How can father of bride give a speech welcoming guests etc. if he hasn't contributed to the wedding?

I won't be having a Father of the Bride at my wedding, so my brother is doing all the dad duties such as giving me away and welcoming people. He has contributed nothing to my wedding, and I would never expect him to, but I still want him to give a speech. It's not about what he contributes, but for me, it's about him showing his love and pride for me and welcoming my H2B into the family.

I guess, it's really up to how you view the speech. If it's a big problem for you, then you'll just have to explain that to your Dad.

x

Get your husband (or you!) to do the welcoming/thanking bit then, and have him just do a short speech about how pleased he is for the two of you, and propose a toast to you - you can't very well propose a toast to yourselves!

You started off with this line and then contradicted it in a lot of ways.


He's still father of the bride regardless of what he's contributed and that's why he wants to welcome the groom into the family and welcome some guests, not because of the amount of cash he's given.

As for what you should do about it, that's completely up to you and your OH but I think it would be quite sad to take away these duties due to the fact he hasn't splashed the cash and think it's also unfair to say he's just a guest "rather than the other way round"...he's your dad, I assume he's financially supported you in other ways in your life?

Also..how do you know he isn't planning on giving you a big cash amount as a wedding gift? Maybe thinking you could both use it towards a honeymoon or something? If he did and you'd taken away his duties on the day how would you feel about it?

An interesting first post but welcome to Hitched. You might want to read what you've written. To me it comes across as being rather spoilt and very bridezilla. Perhaps your dad feels the same. Because he has a good job then he should be paying towards your wedding if he wants to play the part the father of the bride traditionally plays? Sorry but I don't hold with any of that. If you are able to pay for the wedding you've chosen then why shouldn;t you? Also the bride doesn't normally ask her dad to give a speech - it's the norm that he will especially if he has given you away.

If you're so uncomfortable with him giving a speech perhaps you need to reconsider him giving you away.

Sorry this all sounds really harsh and I'm not like that at all - but it does sound like your chucking your toys out of the pram hun.

My Mum hasn't paid anything towards the wedding.

Better sack her.

I agree with MM3. He is not just a guest, he is your father, regardless of whether he has contributed money towards the wedding or not.

Do you equate him not contributing financially to the wedding to him not caring about you? Is he not entitled to make a speech purely for being the person who raised you and supported you (financially and otherwise) throughout your life?

If he was an absent father then that's an entirely different matter, but otherwise you seem to be being a bit harsh on him.

Are there other issues surrounding your dad and why you don't want him to give a speech etc, perhaps. I wonder if maybe you are deflecting it on to a money issue rather than possibly what the actual issue is.

I say the above because my Dad walked me down the aisle and gave a speech and I wouldn't have had it any other way. These "duties/honours" were borne out of love and totally independent/irrespective of any financial contribution. My dad's role in our wedding was absolutely priceless to me and the thought of allowing him to give a speech etc dependent on monetary contributions would be abhorrent to me.

I agree with many of the others, your fathers role shouldnt be determined by the amount of cash he has (or hasn't, as in this case) splashed as both your parents will have supported you in various ways since birth. I get the sense that the lack of financial contribution has erked you enough to reconsider his role.

I kind of (ish) get the point you are trying to make if you are concerned about him assuming hosting duties , but I would speak to him & just say it's important to you & your other half to be the ones to do the welcoming & thanking in the speeches and that if its contained in his speech as well it might be overkill for the other guests. My only other thought ( assuming you're not a invitation stage) is to ensure (if it bothers you that much) that the wording of your invites state that the bride & groom are hosting, and avoid the more traditional wording of brides parent's hosting.

Personally, I think there are better things to be worrying about - sorry if that sounds mean.

Ok maybe I do around a bit harsh here I will try and explain a bit more...

1. he is a bit of an absent father, and has not been particularly welcoming to my fiancée. When his father was alive he was very welcoming to me, inviting me to family holidays, always sending me a birthday card, treating me the same at family occasions etc. I'm sure if he was still alive he would have wanted to contribute in some way to the wedding. I feel bad that I don't have a nice family to give to my fiancée now that his parents have both passed away.

2. I can't afford to pay my half of the wedding, my fiancé is footing more of the bill from his inheritance and I am just paying what I can, not insubstantial but not half. So help from my family would have started our marriage on a more even footing.

3. I'm not unhappy with him giving a speech and maybe i will be surprised by what he has to say, i just don't really see how he can welcome people he hasn't invited and I'm wondering if/how I should bring that up. My fiancée wants me to tell him he can't welcome people and is planning to welcome people himself and start off by talking about his Dad who can't be there.

4. I'm not a particularly material person so this probably is about deeper issues.

5. I didn't say he was "just another guest", I said he was "our guest", there's a bit of a difference!

6. Sorry if I've offended anyone!

I wish i had a father of the bride speech, my father won't be at my wedding as i ain't seen him in 20 yrs and never part of my life. You should be grateful he wants to do it be part of your special day. I suggest you have a think about it. X

Hi Chris - thanks for coming back and telling us a bit more. It sounds to me like you have expectations of your dad that he doesn't share and that this is more about comparing your family to that of your fiances. This is understandable but not fair. You also seem to be having difficulty with your fiance paying for more than you can. You shouldn't. A wedding is about two people in partnership with each giving what they can to all the elements be that money/time/creativity etc but that doesn't mean a 50:50 financial split. You should both fund what you can. What you can't do though is expect others to stump up money. It's a massive assumption that your fiances dad would have given some money. He may well have but it's not fair to compare your dad to your OH's dad.

How have you worded the invitations? They should make it clear who the invitation is from although tbh people won;t think about that. Your guests will expect your dad to make a speech and for it to be the usual father of the bride speech.

My dad is in no way able to contribute towards our wedding financially and I wouldn't expect him to I have always felt if you are old enough to get married your old enough to pay for it yourself. Be greatful you have a dad to give you away just because he has a good job don't assume what he can and can not afford.

What an amazing statement. You have chosen a wedding you can't afford? Or your fiance is financially abusing you? Or you are expecting Daddy to bail you out?

Genuine question: how old are you?

Hi, I think you should let your dad give a speech as its not worth upsetting yourself over it. Guests at a wedding don't wonder who has paid for what and your dad may surprise you in the end by giving you a gift for example money towards your honeymoon. You said you can't afford your half of the wedding, if your a couple it doesn't come down to he is paying more than me. In my opinion if your getting married everything is joint! In the end you could do without some things for the wedding or go for cheaper options. Even though your dad has a good job, you don't know his financial situation as he could be in debt for all you know.

I, by no means, paid half of what our wedding cost. The majority was paid from H's savings. If this had been an issue to either of us we would either have a smaller wedding that I could afford 50% of or we'd have postponed long enough for me to be able to save it. I would not expect daddy to stump up my share for me.

My father could have paid for my wedding 10 x over and still have money in the bank but he didn't. I neither expected it nor questioned his reasons for not putting his hand in his pocket. He has been more than generous over the years. The very fact he is my father is why he walked me down the aisle and made a speech thanking my guests for attending, welcoming my groom to the family and toasting us, not because he bought the right to do so.

Thanks for your comments, its interesting to hear from others who have paid for the wedding without assistance from parents, as everyone I know that has got married was given help towards it by theirs. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only one whose parents haven't offered to help and that others didn't think this unusual. Maybe I should have asked what others experiences were in this area and that might have been less controversial!

i find the idea that i am some kind of spoilt daddy's girl fairly hilarious, as i moved out at the age of 18 and have not had assistance from him since then so this certainly isn't the case! I'm not sure age is relevant but most of the people I know who've had help were older than me.

Pammy - Thanks for your helpful reply. i sent the invitations out without saying who it was that was inviting anyone. I just wrote at the top "James & Christine are getting married!" Then the details below so as to avoid the issue of who was hosting it.

But this is exactly the message you are giving us. If you can't afford the wedding without hoping for someone else to help pay for it then that should tell you to cut back on something.

If his giving a speech has nothing to do with him paying towards it, why mention it? If its to do with how much he has given you over your lifetime emotionally then thats a different matter, but if you fefl thats not enough, why is he giving you away?

And if you are happy for him to give a speech, what was the point of this post? Call me stupid, but I'm confused. Seems you want him to be your dad but not do traditional dad jobs. Ok, so tell him not to- simple.

First, as a fellow public sector worker, I think it's unfair to assume that just because your dad has what appears to be a good job he can afford to pay for your wedding. Wages in the public sector have fallen in real terms in the last few years and if he has a mortgage, pension etc he may not be as well off as you suppose.

The OH and I are getting married without any financial assistance, really we won't be expecting any. The tradition of the bride's family offering to do most of the paying is from when girls were chattels like livestock, and was a sign of status. It's outdated.

Like you, it just means we have to have the wedding we can afford. I'm paying more than he is, but I don't care. He's contributing as much as he can. If the uneven split is a big deal for you and your fiance, maybe you should have a chat about where you can cut back on daily spending so you can save more or where you can save costs on the wedding?

You'll find most on here are paying for their own weddings. Some are getting help, some have their parents paying for the lot. Each scenario brings it's own problems. The relationship issues you quote are not at all unusual, but the way you've talked about your father not paying for anything and your and your fiances reactions to that are unusual. You talk about other people's weddings, is there perhaps something here about comparing you and yours with them and theirs. If so then you need to stop as that's not a good thing to do. Every wedding should be driven by that couple, what they can afford, what their style is, to suit their personalities and circumstances and also that of the families. Just because you might have friends who have had perhaps bigger, more expensive weddings with more input from their family, doesn't mean you have to match or beat it. Likewise that you can't put in as much as your fiancé. Your wedding should be yours, tailored and designed around you and your family etc.

I know you think it's hilarious but honestly Hun, you do come across as being spoilt and quite petulant and also quite juvenile in the way you're equating all of this to money. Sorry if this causes offence, it's not meant to. That's the problem with online forums and the written word at times. If you haven't lived with your dad for some time and you have a fractured relationship why have you asked him to give you away and why would you expect him to contribute if your relationship is so bad?

You've clearly got issues over all of this. You have no right to expect money from anyone for your wedding. Have you actually spoken with your dad about any of this, not the money though.

You say you're "not material" but your whole post has been about money.

We have saved really hard for our wedding. It's a small budget as it is and we've found it really difficult. My parents weren't in a position to help us - they contributed towards my sister's wedding 15 years ago but things are a lot different now. I wouldn't for a second deny my dad the opportunity to do a speech - I even made sure the RSVPs were sent to my mums house and put "together with our parents" on the invites so that they could feel involved, yes, even though they didn't "contribute" anything.

I think YOU are starting your marriage on the wrong foot by making your dad's supposed lack of contribution an issue.

I've seen it a few times before but I really don't get the whole 'paying half each' thing with weddings.

I don't work many hours but am the Childcare (I'm practically a SAHM) so I guess I'm not paying a penny towards the wedding.

But then hey, I could always bill him for half the Childcare costs... There's an idea

The tradition of the brides family paying for or towards the wedding is not as usual as it once was. I am one of those receiving no financial help from my parents towards the wedding. I wouldnt dream of taking away the 'father or the bride' special duties because of this. I cant wait for my Dad to walk me down the ailse and to say something lovely at the reception.

I smell a troll.

Oh but isn't it entertaining?

You need to stop comparing your wedding with people who you know. So what if your not paying half of it. I'm not paying half of ours he earns more than I do, it's about being in a team not yours and mine. I pay for the bills and mortgage he pays for luxuries. I'm not sure this is even about you. You said your partners doesn't want him to do this that and the other. Sad as it is you can't help that your dad is there and your partners isn't, and you certainly shouldn't expect anyone else to chip into your wedding fund.

I know a few weddings where exactly this has happened. Nothing was said beforehand and then just before the FOB walked the Bride down the aisle, a cheque was presented which could have either paid for the wedding or a honeymoon. As others have said, he is still your Dad so, in theory, should give a speech welcoming the Groom to the family and also to congratulate the two of you before the Best Man takes over.

I also smell troll but shall add my 2p anyway.

Weddings are not about who pays for them. You are getting married and joining two families together. If you want to follow tradition and have a father of the bride speech, then do that. My dad gave me away and did a speech, he didn't pay a penny towards the actual wedding but I didn't care. It was our decision to get married and we paid for the lot. I could add in that I paid more but that doesn't mean much as we are a team and I am not keeping score.

So in short. Suck it up.

Have we just gone back in time, to a period in history where dowrys were commonplace in Britain? I didn't think so....

I never asked my parents for money, because as my Dad's recently retired I know they don't have much, so when they offered an amount for our wedding I was so incredibly grateful. I'd be just as grateful if they offered nothing, because they're my parents and they've sacrificed so much for me and my siblings throughout our lives.

If your father doesn't offer to pay anything, well so what? He's under no obligation. This isn't 200 years ago, this is modern Britain. Regardless of how much money you think he has, it's not your place to expect him to pay for your wedding, regardless of "tradition". It's your choice to get married and you take that on regardless of how much money you might get from your dad.

But tradition goes both ways. If you want to forego him traditionally making the speech, then you are within your rights to do that. You say he's been absent for most of your life, maybe someone else who is more of a father figure to you could take on this role, but don't justify your actions with the fact he's not giving you any money. It just makes you sound spoiled and naive.

No one has a perfect family situation, you don't have to accept him in this role if you don't want to, but by blackmailing him into it, well how is that fair?

Can't your fiance just speak first and welcome everyone and thank them for coming. I was very lucky in that my parents paid for most of our wedding but we organised it and so we stood up and thanked everyone for coming as our guests, regardless of who paid. My dad did as well when he spoke after, which I guess you might not like. Personally if you discuss it (him not welcoming everyone) I feel it will make too much of an issue of it.

I'm not sure whether I'm missing something, but does it matter if he does welcome the guests? Isn't it just polite to do this in some way? I can't remember who said what exactly but I'm pretty sure all three speeches at ours said something along the lines of thanks for coming to the guests (and we paid for the wedding ourselves). I don't think anyone would assume this was in direct line with paying towards the wedding. If you're happy with him doing a speech then so what if he happens to welcome your guests too? Doesn't stop your fiancé doing it in his speech as well and I doubt it will seem like he's welcoming them because he's paid for it?

Irrespective of whether my dad contributes financially to the day, he will thank people, whether in his speech or simply face to face, for being there to share in his little girls big day! Because he will be grateful that all those people are there to show their love and support - therefore he will thank them! Simple.