How much is too much to ask people to spend for a hen weekend?

I think expecting and telling people to save their money for your hen do was unwise. Mine will be max £50. Telling people to save for the best part of a year for something for you isn't all that sensible - if I had a spare £200 I'd do something with the OH instead!

Sorry - but I imagine that most of the people who got the message about saving had a similar negative reaction but just haven't told you. Lots of people are struggling financially and it's up to them how they chose to save or spend their money. This may be your 'once in a lifetime hen do' but for everyone else, it's just another fun weekend (plus factor in the wedding costs too)

Now I have spent £200 on a hen do for a friend - but it was handled very differently. The organiser asked us all about our budgets before starting. They didn't tell us how we should save the money. I think this isn't as much about how much the hen do will cost as the way you've gone about it... sorry to be harsh. but I'd be unimpressed by your text in your friend's position....

Honestly? If someone asked me to save like that, dictating the amount, for a hen do I'd be really put out.

I've had similar dilemma's recently about making sure everyone can afford it so unfortunately won't be going abroad as it's more important to me people can come. I'm setting the date now for next February/March so people have chance to save if they so wish but at least they know about it. My bm's will organise mine but I need some input as they don't know everyone and I'm going to request it's in components so people can pick and choose what they want to come to or what they can afford.

It really depends on your friends and who you absolutely want to attend.

If you have a friend who can't afford what you're planning then you need to make a decision about whether to change your plans or to go ahead without her.

I think it actually sounds quite a lot when you put it like that (£15/£20 a month), whereas if someone had said to me, my hen do is in 11 months and it'll be about £200 I would probably just say yes!

Does that £200 include all spends though?

I had a weekend away in a fabulous country house for my hen with 21 of us. The whole weekend including travel to Hereford (from Leeds and Newcastle), the house, drinks and food came to about £160 per person.

I personally think it's a slightly strange way of going about it, I would just say it's going to cost £200 (or whatever), are you ok with that? But that's just my opinion.

No matter what else she spends her money on, it's her money and it's her choice what she does with it. ETA If it's a case of her not trying to make the effort to save the money, do you want her there anyway?

If you go away for a weekend for a hen, you will often get people that can't afford it or come along for whatever reason. I don't think it's wrong to ask people to spend a certain amount of money on a hen, but you have to be prepared that some people just may not be able to (or want to) pay that much.

I sat planning my friends hen last night.. it'll be £13 per person if they just come for the saturday, and £20 per person if the stay the whole weeken, plus their camp site fee on top.

My SIL wanted us all to pay £80 per night in a log cabin in cumbria for hers, for a weekend. I declined to go as I couldnt afford it. I could not justify that amount on a weekend away. If I had that money to spare, i would spend it on something for me and my OH.

If you think it is going to be a pricey one then I would ask your bridesmaids to start planning it now so that you can give everyone plenty of notice, I planned a hen weekend in Liverpool and we all had to travel up from Southampton, the hen party was at the end of October and Ifound a hotel in January which I then booked, this gave everyone a set price for the hotel and I gave them a rough estimate for the train ( I obsessivly checked the train prices for months!) which we couldnt book till August but everyone had a price in mind so could budget for it in there own way, some paid money to me monthly others just saved it up themselves others just paid it all out at once. the travel and that ended up costing about £100, we then had food and spends on top of that, saying that the hen party was in Liverpool as that is where the brides came from and she was getting married in Septemeber so didnt want to make her friends up there travel twice. Mine is going to be at home as everyone is having to travel for the wedding so dont want to add on the cost of an expensive hen weekend. Hope this has helped.

This I think will make a difference too? Also, what are you hoping to do for that £200? Personally I think it's too much and I would have to decline if my friend asked me to spend that. As someone else said, if I had a spare £200 I would go away with my H!

I think mine was about £110. I wouldn't like being told how much to save per month - I'd appreciate a heads up saying "this is waht I'm planning for my hen do, it'll be about £200 but it isn't until next March" or whatever. I'm a grown woman, I know if I'll have £200 available next March, or if I need to save for it, I don't need to be told.

Plus, for you, it is of course a "once in a lifetime" hen do. For others, it's one of several hen dos that they'll go on over the years.

The implication of this is that if a bride to be organises an expensive hen do, which her friends can't easily afford, then any friend who chooses not to go out and find extra work to cover it is somehow not a good enough friend!!!

With my job, I couldn't do the extra work, assuming it was available and there's simply no way I would do that because a bride to be wanted to spend lots and go abroad............ I wouldn't be the bad friend - imo that title would go to the person who expected me to do that.

Someone I know has 10 weddings this year, including mine. That includes maybe 6 hen dos. It adds up. Not being able to afford a hen do doesn't make someone less of a friend. It makes them human!!! Friendship shouldn't be measured by money spent..........

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I think maybe I should readjust my question- if you put aside the comment of how I should have phrased it or not about the money (I can see other people's points of view here but obviously only you know your friends and how they would react and I don't feel that anyone (else!) viewed this negatively- in fact everyone else's replies were very positive eg-" yayyyy! I'm there with bell on!" etc!) then focusing just on the issues of saving £15-£20 a month being a lot to save or not? I really didnt think it was, I managed to go on 2 hen dos when I was working part time in a shop not far over minimum wage cos they were priorities to me and so I saved...

Also none of us are married or have children or even pay rent actually I think! (all in mid 20s but only OH and I are living together and engaged) everyone else is living with their parents still- apart from 2 who I know will have no problems whatsoever affording it (they have told me as such as the types who I could suggest doing it next month and theyd have the money...so jealous ha ha!)

I understand how it's not my business to say what people should spend money on, or their priorities but I just feel like if it's not an unaffordable amount of money to save a month per se then it all depends on how much they want to go as to whether they'd spend it on that. I just feel like I'm obviously not that important to her (I've noticed this in other areas of our friendship recently) so when she's saying she can't afford to save £15 a month but can afford to go out 3 times a month then i guess those nights out are her priorities and not this

I can relate to where you are coming from, whilst it's completely up to everyone how they spend their money it can be upsetting when a friend says she can't afford £100 for your hen do but then proudly shows off her £500 Jimmy Choos (as happened with my friend's hen do).

Everyone's friendship groups are different and have a different idea of what's reasonable, in my group £200 has been the budget per person for a hen do (all in) but if I felt the majority of my friends had a budget less I'd do something at that level. That said, some of my friends suggested Vegas which I definitely couldn't afford!

This is exactly my point - I don't want to have a hen night out on the town like I usually do - all of the girls I'm inviting are all close friends who all find the money to go on holidays/weekends aways with their partners/weekends away for friend's birthdays in other cities etc so it would be almost the same sort of thing they would do for a friend's birthday...but better (hopefully!!)

But as I've said, I'm the first person all of them know as a good friend who is getting married (again, bar 1 friend, who is one of the 2 I previously mentioned who has already said money is no issue) so for the majority of them, this is the only hen do 1. They will have EVER been on, and so, 2. The only one they will have from now until then, unless someone else gets engaged and plans their wedding quickly!

I don't think not being able to afford it if you genuinely can't makes someone less of a friend, but I'm feeling like it's a case of "I have that money but spending it on your hen do is not a priority, I'd rather spend it on nights out up until then etc" [as distinct from if they would rather spend it on saving for a mortgage or new car etc, which obviously I'd understand!]

I can't save though, I'm rubbish at it. If you said save £15 a month I'd struggle but if I had to find £200 in a year then I'd manage it!

I think it might be the wording to your friend that's annoyed them, it would me. but then it also sounds like there are other issues.

I agree that it depends on your friends really. I will hopefully be having two hen dos, one abroad with my really close friends (BMs) and on in the UK which everyone will be able to come to. For one of my BMs I would pay £200 for their hen do, but not someone i wasn't so close to as there are other things I would rather spend it on. ALso not sure you should have told them to put money away monthly, I would have probably asked peoples budgets before deciding what i would do.

Hey,, I think it completely depends on who your friends are. I have just got back from a 3 night stay in Ibiza with 16 of my friends and family. We had an absolute ball and my friends said it was worth every penny. My hens basically said it was an excuse for a girls holiday (suppose if that's not ur type of thing then it's a lot of money).

I only had one friend that was a bit short on cash for the holiday but as we booked it wayin advance she said she would start saving early as she really wanted to be there as my friend.

If people literally can't afford it then that a fair point but to say they have better things to spend it on (if she is a close friend) then I think that's a bit mean.

Hope u get it sorted.

By the way my hen cost 200 pound and we took about 250 spending money..... But we did go to Ibiza and it was amazing so def worth it xx

My hen is costing around £200 for a weekend in Liverpool and then transport will be extra. I only asked my closest friends and all but one said yes, most of us have partners and children but they have saved as they really want to go. My friend that said she couldn't afford it told me the other day that she is going to a wedding this week and she is staying in the hotel afterwards at £125 for the night - the hotel is 5 mins away from her house! I guess she just didn't want to come but I would rather she had told me that to start with. Oh well try not to let it get to you.... People on here are right you can't tell people what to spend their money on so just book the hen you want and the people who want to there will be.

My friend organised my hen and wanted to go abroad for a weekend. I point blank said no as I didn't want to eliminate friends and sisters with families, mortgages etc.. Ours cost 50.00 max each and my mother and I paid or the limo. If I had to save 15-20 quid per month I would rather use it taking my son somewhere special or going away with OH, or buying a fab pair of shoes for myself.

Well maybe they'd sooner have 10 nights out than one weekend? The older I get and the more weddings I've gone to, the mroe I realise that faffing about over things like this is just plain silly. This is your marriage and your hen do so you simply can't expect anyone else to put it as the same priority (and in some cases, where friends do get really into other people's weddings, it's very uncomfortable and a bit strange). Even if it's their first hen do, it itsn't their hen do...... Their life shouldn't be all about you!

Be upset if you want to. I think you're being unrealistic and, on top of that, told people about the cost in an antagonistic way. If my only spare money a month was £20, I'd sooner go out once a month rather than stay in for a year for someone else's dream.

This is what would upset me. If someone who I viewed as one of my closest friends would rather spend money buying themselves a posh pair of shoes than coming... I haven't invited all my "friends" but my closest, dearest friends, who I would have expected would be willing to spend the money for basically a weekend away type holiday... it sounds like all bar one are so I guess we will see what happens...

I hadn't actually read all of your replies before but now I have, it sounds like your friends are quite similar to mine, and the really close ones wouldn't be phased by it at all. There's always someone that will be put out by something, you really can't please everyone. She will be the on left out so let her get on with her boring nights out!

I suppose that's one way of looking at it, and maybe I did say it in a bad way, as has already been pointed out, but IMO, knowing my friends, and the way we talk to each other etc, that would not be a problem for them - and indeed wasnt something she was even mentioning in her reply to me.

I understand your point of 'someone else's dream' but these are literally my closest friends (or so I felt!) who are like sisters to me, so if the roles were reversed it would be one my highest priorities to attend their hen weekends. Especially if I was willing to pay maybe £50 less for people's "birthday weekends away" every few months normally...This is also why I am not inviting all my 'friends' that I would usually meet for drinks, or go on nights out with, as they are not my closest friends who I would feel happy asking to pay this, it is only my 'best friends' really, who, ok would not view it as a once in a lifetime thing like me, but as an important enough occasion to want to come!

This. To me it should be a figure that is affordable for all attending. I am a young full-time SAHM of 2 as are most of my friends so we will be looking around the £200 mark (but that will be for a weekend abroad). If perhaps one of us wasn't going to be able to afford that comfortably then we would be having something cheaper. I will also be doing an afternoon tea type thing with the women in my family and some other friends so they would also be able to come to that. We all have different budgets on here so what some would be happy with others wouldn't!

We are heading away to a cottage for mine in Scotland and thats costing £70 each for two nights, train tickets wil be around £25 each return then food and drink on top x

I think £200 is a lot to ask anyone to pay for something that isn't their choice but yours.

OP, you sound annoyed with your friend who feels she can't (or doesn;t want to - her choice)manage this, but have you thought that you might have upset her and she is now worrying over this extra financial demand? I think you could try putting yourself in her shoes. IMO everything you have written had all been about you, with no hint of compromise.

THIS exactly!!! ?

I think perhaps there is an undercurrent in our relationship where I have felt she does not make much effort in our friendship recently and perhaps this is reflecting on the way I am perceiving her response to this whole issue... that this is the last in a long line of times when I have felt we are not as close as we used to be and her not being able to/wanting to spend the money on this is making me realise it more. I have honestly been trying to put myself in her position, but I guess I just don't genuinely believe that she CANNOT afford it, but more perhaps she DOESN'T WANT to afford it. Which is her prerogative, but makes me feel really let down.

Oh well. That's life eh! And maybe she'll win the lottery before the time comes around... ?

I know it hurts but if she doesn't want to be there it's probably better that she isn't as I can imagine a hen do with someone who doesn't want to be there isn't a recipe for fun. I'm sure you'll have a great time with your other friends!

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I have a real problem with exactly this, and that it has somehow turned into activity weekends. I am leaving it to my sister to organise, and will be truly pleased with whatever she plans. While £200 may be "doable" (whether she wants to is of course a different matter), add in the outfit costs for the hen and/or the wedding, plus presents, and you're talking about a lot of money.

Is it more important for you to do whatever it is costing the £200 or have your friend there? Cant you do something cheaper?...its not what u do - its the people u have there that make it a fun night!

Hope u figure it out - its not worth having arguments with ur friends over

I agree with sarah&julian, when did hen & stag do's turn into a weekend event?!

Judging by some of the threads on here, hen dos are just another source of drama! Me & my OH have decided not to do a hen & stag, neither of us were that fused. We don't see it as our last chance of a good night out as 'single' people, if we want a night out with our friends then we'll do it whenever we want.

It seems you learn people's true colours/who is truly a friend in a lead up to a wedding, but at the same time I do think brides to be become a bit of a bridezilla. We need to remember, it is OUR day, not everyone cares about it the same amount as we do! Yes good friends will stick by us, but it's not the centre of everyone's lives.