How to deal with a MomZilla

How does your OH feel about his mothers involvement, and all the associated issues it is causing? I think you need to talk to him about it, and how it's making you feel. If he is supportive of your feelings, which I hope he would be, maybe he could approach his mother and tactfully try and raise that she is being overbearing (easier said than done I know). Or would his Dad could be asked to calm her down a bit.

Just because they are contributing financially it shouldn't give her the right to take over everything. It is yours and your OHs day, not hers. If really necessary could you pay for the wedding yourselves and stop them using the money as a reason to control things?

With regard the guest issues, me and my OH set a rule, if we haven't BOTH met someone, then they don't get an invite to the day, we relaxed the rule for evening guests a bit, and did allow partners we hadn't both met. Our wedding is a bit smaller, so more of a sticking point. Could you put this rule in place for your wedding. Perhaps make exceptions for close family if necessary. It is totally unreasonable to expect your guests to be bumped for her guests. It doesn't matter how much they are paying.

Hope you get it sorted.

Thanks for the advice!

My OH feels exactly how I feel, if not worse, as he gets the brunt of the demands and irrational fits of rage. It's a good tip to ask him to talk to his dad, maybe he can alleviate the situation without it blowing up any more than it already has. His dad is pretty sensible so hopefully he can talk some sense into her.

I'll keep you posted on how it ends up!

This is a tricky one and I really feel for both you and your OH. It's a lot easier if you are paying for everything yourself but I can understand that you feel "obliged" to take her opinions & wishes into account. Is it feasible to have the conversation along the lines of "we are grateful for helping us financially & we will try our best to please you but some decisions will be ours alone" If it's really getting unbearable can you consider scaling back the wedding & paying for it yourself thereby feeling a bit more empowered to have the day you want.

It's hard to tell from what you've written, but I'm wondering if his mum could have a mild narcissistic personality disorder?

Have you spoken to him re whether this is normal behaviour for her? Has she always been like this? Is nobody able to stand up to her? Do people who stand up to her get evicted from her life and become like they are "dead" to her?

If discussions around this matter reveal that this is what she is like then I think you need to prepare yourself for a rocky ride. If you begin to assert your rights and behave normally in this abnormal situation she will turn on you. You need to consider whether you could cope with cancelling the wedding in it's current format and DIY-ing a much smaller (or possibly overseas) event.

Oh dear... sounds stressful. Can you afford to do this on your own without their help? Some parents think they get a lot of say because they are paying.

I guess your OH will have to take a stand and tell his mum to back off. Try not to tell her anything about the wedding. The less info she has the less she can fret. Just say you're still discussing the options, you want to work on the budget or similar.

Paula - I'm sure you're trying to be helpuful, but i'm concerned that diagnosing NPD via a third party post on the internet is perhaps a tad eager. I know you've got personal experience of living with a sufferer, but i think you could easily be wrong here putting unnecessary strain on OP and her relationship with FMIL and OH. Counselling someone to go overseas because their FMIL might potentially have a Personality Disorder is frankly a tad presumptuous.

@Sarah My partner is going to talk to his dad tomorrow and see if he gets anywhere with him. It's probably best if his dad speaks to her to begin with. Hopefully. Thanks for the advice, though, will definitely have a talk like this with with them both once the dust of this latest incident has settled.

Tell your OH to sort his mother out. It's his mother and he needs to stand up to her.

You guys do not owe her anything regardless of whether she is paying for it. The financial contribution is a gift - not a controlling shareholding.

I would be livid if my friends and family couldn't be at my wedding because FMIL forced them out. I would rethink having a wedding if my nearest and dearest weren't there - might as well pop down to the registry office.

@Halloweeny Thanks for the advice - my OH is going to talk to his dad tomorrow first, he is much more sensible than MomZilla so hopefully he can talk some sense to her. It's our first port of call, then when the dust of this latest fit settles we will have a bit of a chat about what has been going on and how to move forward. But you're right, the less they know the better.

Sounds horrific and I really feel for you. Her pushing your family out in favour of hers is completely unacceptable. My parents are paying a large chunk of our wedding and at this point my OH's family aren't paying anything (which is completely fine) and I would be furious if my mum pushed his family out just because she was paying.

The only thing I have to add to the excellent advice above is that you and your OH have to stand up to her and fast but pick your battles. For some of the things she's done it's probably too late to change them but for anything you can change and any decisions she's making on your behalf now you guys need to put your foot down. I would also give the venue a call and say that from now on all the decisions must be approved by you or your OH - even if she's not the type to call up and try and change things behind your back you're better safe than sorry.

Good luck dealing with her. For what it's worth I've been lurking round Hitched for a while and seen some similar situations and it's a great community here - always here for advice or just to rant to - so don't feel alone in it!