How to say no to family and friends without offending anyone

If anyone is rude enough to ask for an invite, simply tell them 'we're sorry but our guest list has been finalised and we're not able to increase it'. Don't mention budget as you may end up with people offering to pay so that 'their' guests can be added to the list. (If you can pick a venue that won't accommodate more than the maximum number you want, that is really helpful, since you can truthfully tell people you can't fit any more people into the venue!)

View quoted message Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. We weee discussing this morning if we should do something separately in the UK even if it’s a bbq but to me that’s just throwing money again to accommodate peoples feelings.

Your reasoning is exactly the pragmatic way to work out your guest list. I do think a party back here would be good, as you say could be a simple BBQ but it is also nice for you to celebrate again with others who could not attend. One thing I was thinking, if you are going abroad are you paying travel cost for guests? if not, then you need to consider some people may decline, so I would have a back up list of people you can move up to the day if you have space to do so.

View quoted message Thank you Charlotte. Yeah I think we will do a simple bbq too. We’re paying for our immediate family but the guests will need to pay for themselves. That’s also how I’m thinking about the guest list, whether that person will realistically be able / ok with the cost. I feel like I have it locked down on my side but my fiancé is too worried about disappointing others to the point he wants to send invites to those who he thinks won’t be able to make just to show curtesy.

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That is a good way to marrow it down and you are considering their situation. I would absolutely not send to people you are not planning on inviting, as you are asking them to hold a date and then you have to turn round and say actually you are not invited, it is a real kicker and will no doubt cause further cause upset and potential friendship fall outs than if you just rip the band aid now so to speak and tell them as either way there will be a bit of disappointment but it will be worse if you do it after sending save the dates as he wants to. One thing we did on our save the dates was put an insert in to ask if they knew they could not come already then to let us know, this way we knew early enough to be able to add some extras on, I would suggest you explain it is abroad and they need to fund and appreciate if they can't make it to let you know now, as it will be a cost to them they may not be able to justify. It is so hard and of course you want to please everyone but it is just not possible. as long as you word it right I am sure people will understand and it is your day so please yourself not others

My partner and I have had to cut back massively on our guest list as we chose quite an expensive venue, but we think the family will understand. His family is so big we literally would have to be millionaires to invite them all! We also are saying no kids purely because it's a posh venue and there are way too many kids 🤣 other than my one niece and one nephew as they are flower girl and page boy there will be a no kids rule and I'm not sure how that will go down but if they get funny about it which I don't think they will it's tough. It's our wedding that we and only us are paying for!

State that it is a ‘couples only’ wedding and mention to make it a ‘date night’ on your wedding comms…

View quoted message I like the idea of a date night. One of my cousins got really offended when I said her 3 kids couldn’t make it but I would’ve thought that they would’ve liked a bit of a break

View quoted message Thank you Charlotte. We looked at the list again and made a list of back ups so thats a good idea about inserting wording on whether they know for sure they won’t come. I’m leaving Alex to a family lunch this weekend to gauge on his side which family members won’t be able to make it.

View quoted message Hi Teri! I am with you on your points! The only kids we are having are his two little girls and two nephews as they’re flower girls and page boys. The thought of kids running around didn’t appeal to me at all lol. Have a fabulous wedding!!

View quoted message You just saved yourself £300 😉

View quoted message Maybe £400 if your cousin does not come either 😝

View quoted message Lol I think you’re right as one of them will have to stay back

View quoted message Yes I agree, we have 3 lists, A for Ceremony and Wedding Breakfast, B for backups (day and evening do) to take up to the final head count, C nice to haves..When we receive an RSVP, we move the guests up accordingly to ensure we stick to our numbers, enjoy your wedding..

View quoted message I have realised through our planning process that you both have to be very firm in what you and your fiancé want, and had not quite appreciated to what ends. It’s your day..

View quoted message Haha yeah same! I mean imagine 40 cousins all with kids 🤯 there's about 80 children 🤣 you have a great wedding too lovely!

We are in a similar position with a destination wedding with a large family. We have decided to allocate a number of guests to each side up to our budget. And then any other guests family want to invite ( that we also would be happy to have there if we could) they would have to pay for them coming ( i.e. the meal)