Some background: my husband has always been sort of a negative, introverted person- but he could turn it on and off. I chalked it up to him growing up with a family that is very negative and always complaining about something. He has some OCD tendencies and is also super critical of himself. He never thinks he's good enough, not smart enough, his (custom) clothes don't fit right, he doesn't make enough money. He also can't stand to be uncomfortable and has a tendency to run or quit anything that's out of his comfort zone. He said he hated his job, he hated the state we lived in and swore everything would be better if he could just get a transfer.
Fast forward, he gets the temporary 18 months out-of-state transfer he so desperately wanted. I was on maternity leave with our infant, so I let my job know I wasn't coming back and we moved. This new position pays for our housing costs while we're here so it was great timing and a great opportunity for me to be able to stay home with our baby. His old position didn't demand much of him but this new one has him drowning. It doesn't seem like much to me but he's overwhelmed by multiple projects and deadlines.
He says he's in over his head and not smart enough for the position- that he doesn't know what he's doing and this was all a big mistake. He comes home, sighs, says he has a headache or stomach ache, lays on the couch, talks about how he's failing me and our baby. When we argue, he's reduced to tears at how miserable he is right now. He doesn't take any suggestion I give him and doesn't actively try to think of ways to fix the problem. For a small example, when he complains of daily headaches I offer to get him Advil and he says no. It's like he'd rather have the headache just to whine about it.
I try to make his favorite dinners or plan fun weekend family outings, but the depression always comes back. He's stopped working out and lost 20 pounds in the last two months. I know he loves our baby but he doesn't participate much and doesn't seem as enamored by the milestones as I am. I've finally woken up to realize he has severe anxiety and/or depression. He can't get on medication because of the nature of his job. He vents that he's stuck and needs to quit and get a meaningless job "digging ditches" but I don't know if quitting the job would even solve his problems at this point. We spend nights watching tv in silence on our phones, we don't kiss, we haven't had sex since I was pregnant.. and our baby is 8 months. I've gone cold and emotionless. I feel nothing when he cries. I can't help thinking of him as pathetic, and I feel terrible for that. I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just needing to vent.