Humanist ceremony politics

Nope, the ceremony is the main part... the other bit is signing a contract (no vows, no rings, no promise... just the paperwork) why would anyone need to see that?

I wouldn't be bothered at all - I'd want to be there to see the bit where you've put all of your time & effort into arranging, as that's the bit that's going to mean a lot to you as a couple. At a legal ceremony the actual signing of the documents isn't something that's particularly seen by many anyway apart from a few witnesses.

Will they even know?

Were doing the legal but the day before and havent broadcasted it around.

Ive been to a 'non legal ceremony' before and honestly didn't know!

We had only told a few people, the bridal party really, but my dad has taken it upon himself to tell all of my family that it's a "fake wedding", just in case they don't want to spend the money on travel and accommodation on a non-legal ceremony. We're furious with him of course, but I just wanted to know if anyone else thought that it would be the major issue my parents are making it out to be. They are adamant that we let everyone know beforehand that we're having a humanist ceremony, and then guests can make their own minds up as to whether they want to make the effort for a non-legal ceremony.

Another major factor in this is that my dad is refusing to walk me down the aisle because it's a "farce". I am heartbroken and we are considering changing our entire wedding, to have a licensed venue with a legal ceremony so that he will walk me down the aisle.

You poor thing! I'd be furious & upset too.

It's not like you're not getting married at all & just playing pretend, you are still doing the legal bit, so how is it a fake wedding?! I hope you can sort things out with your dad without having to compromise on what you want & having to change your plans (although he doesn't deserve the chance to walk you down the aisle whilst he's behaving like this, does he!). Blooming parents.

Humanist weddings are the done things nowadays! I'm in Scotland so they are legal here but I know loads of English brides who are doing exactly what you are doing.

Don't let your dad dictate to you. It *is* a real wedding - and if he decides not to walk you down the aisle just say "I'm sorry you feel like that" and move on. Bet he changes his tune when he sees you're not letting him get to you!

What a baby! This has made me so mad haha!

You're dad's being a d***.

Yes, I'd go because I was invited to watch two people exchange vows. That's the part to be witnessed.

I honestly didn't think I'd care, but recently found out that my uncle is doing a similar thing when he gets married in July - legal bit the day before and then we'll see a humanist ceremony - and it bothered* me more than I thought it would.

*'bothered' isn't the right word. I think I was more disappointed that they'd already be married when they say their vows in front of us. If the legal bit was the day afterwards, I'd probably be happier!**

** Having recently got married myself, emotions are all over the place and come the day, I won't care at all and will just be brimming with happiness for them

All that being said, I would never not go to a ceremony if I found out it wasn't legal. I would want to be there for my family/friend and if I were in your shoes, I'd be absolutely livid with my dad! I sincerely hope he comes to his senses and realise this is about you and your OH.

Your guests don't need to know that the paperwork is being done on a different day. Most people don't go to enough weddings to spot the difference between a humanist ceremony and one led by a registrar.

This was our original attitude, but my dad has now told too many people that it's "not a real wedding", so lots of them do know.

It wouldn't bother me. We went to a wedding in Ibiza last year where the couple got married at a registry office the week before. To be fair, they did keep it quiet but I knew that you couldn't get married legally in Ibiza. I don't think anyone else noticed. To me, the wedding in Ibiza was their real wedding and they class that as their anniversary x

I'm also in Scotland where humanist ceremonies are legal and I've been to many but I've also been to humanist ceremonies in England and its still a wedding to me.

Same if I went to a hindu/sikh/buddhist or muslim wedding - it's still a wedding despite the legal paperwork part having to be done separately!

I went to a civil partnership ceremony of a friend years ago - they wanted a religious aspect to their wedding but was not allowed so had a registrar 30 minutes before the wedding. The ceremony we witnessed was their "true" wedding as it was where they declared their love in a ceremony which was important to them.

Maybe explain it in that term?

My personal feeling is that the legal bit and the ceremony should be the same. It's probably easier for me to hold this opinion since I live in Scotland. However, that doesn't mean I think your wedding is a fake - I certainly don't! If I was a guest invited to your wedding, I wouldn't treat it any differently to any other wedding I've ever been to; I'd still be happy to come, regardless of whether I witness the legal bit or not. I agree with others that most of the guests probably wouldn't have known any different if your dad hadn't said anything. I would be upset and shocked by his behaviour too. Someone needs to sit him down and have a chat about what's really important here.

No offence Arpee but your dad sounds like a miserable git!

I had a humanist wedding (legally recognised in scotland) and everyone said it was one of the best, most personal weddings they had been to. Stick with what you want... your dad will see sense in the end, even if he ruins the day for himself. It's not a farce!

Who cares if it's not the legal bit, it's the bit that matters, the bit that shows how much you love each other and about your relationship. xx

We are having exactly the same thing. I have also had doubts about it and have worried about what the guests will think if they find out that it's not the legal one.

So we're just not telling our guests. If they ask then we won't lie about it but we're just not going to draw attention to it.

Also, they're a guest at your wedding! You're paying for them to be there. They should be honoured to be invited and to share in your special day. It's becoming a more and more popular option as you get so much more freedom to do things how you want. Nobody should feel negatively about it in any way xxx

My OH and I are doing the exact same thing and I'd be extremely offended if my father did that. I would probably not involve him in my wedding any more, but that's just me. My real wedding will be the one I want people to see where we say more meaningful vows, not some room where we sign some paper. If people didn't want to come because of that that is their problem and it would save me money for the food they might have eaten.

We're doing exactly the same - getting legally wed on the Wednesday with two witnesses and then having our wedding on the Saturday. We will count the later date as our anniversary going forward regardless of what a piece of paper says!!

We're not getting dressed up for the registry office bit - jeans and a t-shirt probably then we'll probably do brunch afterwards with some of the family (as we're getting married at 10am).

Your Dad just sounds like he's being deliberately awkward!! Tell him he can come to the registry office with you but not your 'real wedding' if that's the way he feels!!

Goodness, what a crappy thing to do of your dad. I'm doing the same thing and actually have told a lot of my guests, not because I thought they might be disappointed but just in conversation. We're having the legal bit in my country so that my elderly grandmother can be there, so it's just part of the planning process that we've been talking about to our friends. Not a single person has reacted negatively to this in any way - they either just take it as given or they are excited by how much control it gives us over the ceremony (after I explain all the restrictions of a registrar!). Nobody is bothered about not witnessing the legal part.

I've been to one humanist wedding as a guest, I knew that it wasn't legal (because we were already planning ours so just learned the rules) and I was just as moved and happy as at any other wedding, and so were the other guests. In fact probably more, because it was really personal and there was no religious advertising.

So as a guest I would absolutely just ignore your dad's comment and be honoured that you invited me to your wedding!

I'm with everyone else. The legal bit is just that - a piece of paper that makes you married in the eyes of the law. I second what Sorbet said - who needs to see that?? What you're inviting everybody to is a CELEBRATION of the fact that you just got married, whether that was five minutes earlier in a church/licensed venue, or five days earlier in a registry office. The 'wedding' is everybody coming together to watch you commit yourselves to each other in a way that's meaningful to YOU, so if I was a guest as long as I got to witness that bit I wouldn't give a monkeys about not getting to see you write your names on a piece of paper.

Don't let your dad make you change your plans just for him - no way Pedro!! ?