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Beginner May 2024 Pembrokeshire

i don't know if getting married is the right thing to do anymore

Melody, 24 of August of 2023 at 13:56 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 1 3

I'm not sure if this is the best place to be asking for advice, but I'm really starting to worry that my fiancee and I shouldn't be getting married (we've been together 5 years and are getting married in May 2024).

He has 4 children from his first marriage (3 boys, 1 girl aged between 15 and 23) and they dont like me. His eldest son (23) I have never met - he's flat out refused to have anything to do with me. His daughter (22) calls me a whore and will only come to our house if I am not there. His 2 youngest sons (17 and 15) used to visit every other week, but about 2 years ago decided they didn't want to come any more. I haven't seen them since (if I'm honest, I've thoroughly enjoyed not having that level of stress in my life). I've tried many times to suggest having an almost family meeting where we sit down and get all of our feelings out in the open and try to move forward, but my FH refuses saying there is no issue and his children love me.

Out of politeness/duty they were all invited to our wedding, assuming none of them would actually want to come - but they've all RSVP'd saying they will be there! My stress and anxiety levels have now gone through the roof thinking of all the ways they can ruin the day.

I can't talk to my FH about this. Every time I have tried to talk in the past about how his children make me feel, it's ended up in an argument and with him telling me to 'grow up' because I'm the adult (yes I am, but his children make me feel like I want to slit my wrists rather than be in the same room as their hatred).

And this is the reason I am now doubting our future wedding - surely we should be able to discuss this without it resulting in an argument? Should he not be more supportive? Can we really be married if his children cause me this much stress?

I just don't know anymore.

3 replies

Latest activity by William, 2 of September of 2023 at 05:47
  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    I am so sorry you are facing this - it sounds horrendous. You are thinking on the right lines - this is not so much a problem with your fiance's children as it is a problem with your fiance.

    It is a HUGE red flag not to be able to discuss important issues without arguing - this is not going to be the only major difficulty you face because life tends to be full of them, so unless something changes, you are facing a future full of arguments.

    It's another huge red flag when someone throws insults at their partner to try to dismiss/override their views. Telling you to 'grow up' is incredibly rude and patronising - you are being grown up by attempting to have a serious conversation about the totally inappropriate behaviour of your future step-children. Your fiance is the one who is being childish.

    And it's another huge red flag to have your concerns ignored or to be told that it's all in your mind.

    Of course it is possible to have a successful relationship with someone whose children dislike you - but only if you and your OH are on the same page, and he is firm about insisting you are treated with respect. Sadly, it seems that his kids' abusive behaviours have probably been learned from him.

    At the very least, I would advise postponing all wedding planning. And definitely seek some support, either from your GP or a support line. To be honest, in your place, I would end the relationship - your fiancé is unsympathetic, patronising, verbally abusive and totally unconcerned by his kids hating you so much that you are having thoughts of suicide and self harm. And this is at a time when he should be at his most loving and enthusiastic toward you - if he's like this in the months leading up to your wedding, can you imagine how badly he's going to treat you after you've been married 5 or 6 years?

    Sending you huge hugs - can I suggest you reach out to a trusted friend or family member and tell them how you are feeling? I know you will get lots of support here, but you need some real-life people to lean on, not just strangers from the internet.

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  • S
    Dedicated July 2024 West Midlands
    SL WaltonJones ·
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    I second this, please postpone the wedding until all issues are resolved,if they can be. Hope you're OK Melody and can seek help from a real life friend or family member.
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  • William
    Beginner July 2025 Dumfries Galloway & Ayrshire
    William ·
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    It's essential to address these concerns before getting married. Communication and support should be a foundation of any relationship. Consider seeking couples counseling to navigate this issue together. It's crucial to ensure you both feel comfortable and supported in your decision to marry.

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