I don't know what to do about my bridesmaid :(

Because she said she is stressed abut a few things and the hen being only one of the things worrying her. I would think she is having her own problems in her life. As a friend I would want to find out what and help. We are all inclined to forget that everything doesn't revolve around our weddings at times and become a bit blinkered. My advise is to get to the root of the problem and offer what help you can rather than assume she has lost interest. You can deal with the loss of interest if it turns out that's all it is but my gut feeling is she needs a friend.

Problem with her is that she shuts down. she's not one for discussing things and just bottles it up. I have asked if there is anything I can do, but nothing

I agree with Jayne - she sounds like she's having a bit of a rough time at the minute, and top that with a trip abroad and BM duties and I can understand why it might seem a bit much for her- although I understand you frustration if she won't tell you about it (although not everyone wants to tell people about their problems- so you need to respect her on that one).

I also second Jayne's point that BM's lives don't revolve around the bride.

BUT this girl should ensure that if she does drop out, all costs should be covered for her section and it shouldn't be incurred by anyone else.

To be honest, are you sure your other BM's aren't being a little dramatic? I doubt that one BM would reign over the choice of location where there is a group of them. I don't think you need to worry about the location and times, because it's still going to be amazing - and to be honest, wouldn't you rather enjoy the hen do with people who want to be there?

I would suggest meeting up with the problem BM and not asking her about her problems, but asking her outright if she will drop out of anything- so you have time to prepare.

Hope this gets sorted for you.

Whilst its disappointing that she can't come it's not the end of the world, out of my 3 bridesmaids only 1 could attend my hen do due to children/living abroad and cost implications. As she is a student she might have re-evaluated the costs and it might not be affordable to her.

If she is currently a student then she is very likely to be revising/undertaking her end of year exams at the moment which definitely takes its toll on stress levels! Each year when I did mine I would lose about a stone in weight through stress and revision.

She is still your friend at the end of a day and a hen do is one weekend out of how many years of friendship and those to come. Offer her support tell her don't worry about the hen do she is probably feeling terrible about it - one of my bridesmaids worked herself up so much about how to tell me for weeks she was ill when in reality friendship is more important.

Could you set up a skype chat between all of you and see if she "turns up" for that? If not, you can discuss the situation with the other BM's and make a decision

I agree!

I'm sorry to hear that you are having issues with your bridesmaid. It seems to be a common occurrence on here and I'm not really sure why. In terms of expectations of bridesmaids; I have asked my bridesmaids to come dress shopping with me and to plan my hen, that's about it. Enough notice is normally given to them so why is it so stressful for some? I appreciate that our weddings aren't the most important things in people's lives but doing the basics when your close friend is getting married isn't too much to ask surely?

I would try to meet with her face to face and have a heart to heart. It may be, like others have said, that she has other things going on. Does she know your other bridesmaids well? Could it be that they are singling her out for some reason? If she can't afford the hen then that is a shame but you will still have a great time. I really think that you need to get to the root cause before you ask her if she wants to step down. This may just be a cry for help x

I have already kind of planned my own hen do in that I know where I want to go, where I want to stay, what I want to do and which dates I want to go. I have sent all of the info to my sister and she is going to book it. I am a complete control freak though!

I'm sure that everything that you are doing is great. Have you asked the bride what she would like? You can't go wrong with that. I think that brides should give their bridesmaids ideas as planning a hen do which is a complete surprise does sound quite stressful to be fair! x

It's hard to know for sure what is going on without talking to her, and if she shuts down and doesn't want to talk to anyone when stressed then that's going to be hard to do! I really just wanted to echo what a few others have said, do you want to fall out with a close friend over a few days away? I really struggled with the pressure of university, I ended up on medication and was forced by my lecturers to take a year out, maybe she's just so worried about making this perfect for you that it's adding to her many other pressures?

Talk to her if you can, if you can't get to the root of the problem then don't take it personally, but it might be best if she's just given some space!

****UPDATE****

So over the weekend I text my BM to meet up and have a catch up over dinner but she replied that she didn't have the time. I left it at that and said not a problem, hope all is ok to which I got no reply.

I was speaking to my MOH over the weekend tto and she advised she booked the hen do and kept the original dates as to which if my BM wanted to come she could so I told my BM this on Monday and she said "I'm not coming. I don't want to. My desicion is final"... Ooook.... So left it at that.

Yesterday I text her to ask how things are, just general chat, and she was giving me one word answers so I cracked and asked whats really wrong, please talk to me etc and she simply said "phone me". I couldn't call there and then as I was at a dental appointment waiting so I explained this and said I would call after if she wanted but would like to see her,. She simply said not good enough to call later as I'm busy and I can meet you next month. It was then I cracked and told her I think she's too stressed just now and I wanted to help but she kept shutting me out. I said I was hurt about then hen, but I understand and reminded her about the open invitation. I said I think being a bridesmaid for me right now is going to be too stressful.

She has ignored me since then.. and yes... I'd probably do the same if I was in that position, but I was kind of expecting an emotional phonecall and a whole load of "sorry for being distant, but this is whats going on" but nothing... my MOH and other BM's have said that shes said alot more than I know as they have been in private planning chats etc. She has been very negative and "it's my way or no way" kinda attitude. They are fuming at her to put it politely, but recently she has ignored us all..

I am worried sick about her, but recently I have felt like our friendship has been a case of just clutching at straws to keep a friendship there. It's always me to make the effort to meet up etc, and half the time she cancells anywya....

I feel sooo guilty, but at the same time, I don't need the added stress.

Well I've given her the benefit of the doubt and I still think there is a problem here and she needs her friends but that said you can't help people who won't let you! You have kept her option open for her on the hen and her decline wasn't exactly polite was it. My friend and I often text and try to arrange a time for a good long catch up chat, and often it's sorry off on school run what about later and reply can't do then but.... Usually ends with tomorrow lunch or Friday evening or something sorted. Never ring me now and if you can't because you're in the dentist chair then it's not good enough!

You could give it one more try. Ring. Text? Do you have other friends in common you can speak to? See if they are hearing from her/worried.

Other than that you could A replace her or B do nothing and see whether things are OK once her exams are over and if not just be one bridesmaid less.

I'm going to give her until the start of August to sort her head out, as after that, Uni starts again and I can see it being the big drama again.

I won't replace her because I think that would be a kick in the teeth for her. I will need to sell the dress as the bridal shop is saying no refunds or exchanges.

I know she has lost a lot of friends recently but is very close to the girls she works with, so I can just picture it all being one sided. I don't really know them so I'd feel a bit iffy messaging one of them. I'm worried I'd get abuse from my friend if she found out...

Sounds like it's all decided on then. Maybe she is so stressed about her exams she doesn't realise how snappy she's being. Hopefully come August you will have your old friend back. X

Still heard nothing She is away on holiday now and won't be back till next week, Hopefully she will have time to think and come and talk to me about it, but im really not holding out.

I'm still really hurt and upset with it all. I spoke to one of my BM yesterday and she had told me a few things which had been said and then showed me all the messages. my sacked BM has been waaaay out of order and picked the hen do which was what SHE wanted and was my idea of hell, while the other 2 BM went with something they knew I wanted. There's also been a few other nasty digs here and there about how things have been arranged.

I'm absolutely gutted to have potentially lost a friend, but looking back, she has made NO time for me and cancelling all our plans at the very last minute with lame (IMO) excuses such as "I can't come for dinner because I need to feed the dogs later".... she lives at home with her parents.....

I'm really starting to think about aproaching her mum, but im worried if I do that, then it would cause her to explode at me....

Right now, I think it would be less drama for her to not be BM, and I'm more settled about things and not having to worry if XXX would like this or not..... but at the same time, it would have been nice to have her standing beside me....

It sounds like all this is out of your hands now. She's the one who's pushed you away and rejected your offers of help and second chances re BM stuff, so there's not really anything more to be said. If I were you, I'd just let it go and carry on with your plans on the assumption that she won't be a BM. If she manages to straighten herself out in time for the big day then she could always just turn up and walk down the aisle with the other two, but just don't rely on her to do any 'jobs' just in case. Put the ball in her corner and let her choose whether to step up or not...but give yourself the safety net of having the other two BMs take on the important duties. That way whatever happens you're not let down, and she doesn't feel 'sacked', and you haven't burned any bridges.

It sounds like the other two BMs have got your back, and you'll have an amazing time with just them. After the wedding you might be able to reconnect with her. Both wedding and uni are temporary (and stressful!) events, so once things are back to 'normal' for you both it will probably be easier to have a conversation about what's been causing her dramatic reactions!

I think that you have done everything that you can. It sounds to me as if she is being pretty unreasonable. If she doesn't want to be your bridesmaid, then she should tell you. If she does want to and is just having a hard time, she should talk to you. As it stands at the moment, I would carry on without her and not stress yourself out anymore than you already have. When is your wedding and how much time do you have? I'd be pretty hurt if one of my bridesmaids did this to me and I would be wondering whether I would want a bridesmaid who won't even talk to me and tell me whether they want to be in the wedding.

I wouldn't talk to her mum. She has made it quite clear that she doesn't want to speak to you about the situation. Just try to enjoy the build up to your day X

Another update....

She is now completely ignoring me. On Thursday I had sat down and wrapped her birthday presents up (from March, but I simply haven't been able to see her since then, and I was on Holiday) but I thought fine, I'll post them out. I wrote a nice card and said "I'm sorry..... Dinner?" then wrapped the box all up ready for posting. I told my H2B and he said to wait till she comes to me. I've still heard nothing and shes back from holiday Friday and posting stuff online etc..

In all honesty... I'm absolutely gutted. I feel like I could have been a better friend for her even when she did shut me out

I understand but I don't think you should carry the guilt round. You can't help someone who won't let you and you have been in contact a few times. If you want to keep the door open maybe ring her. If still no joy just say i m here for you when you're ready and leave it at that. I don't seem there is much else you can do now. Xx