I don’t want a wedding and partner really does

Gosh, this is so tricky isn't it. I think he perhaps needs to really take into account your feelings and social anxiety. I do have a friend who married recently and is very similar, she was extremely anxious about the day and did not particularly enjoy it as much as she felt she should, which left her with a lot of sadness afterwards. A lot of money spent on the day too!!

Difficult when he has a large, sociable family. Not helping much am I!! Feel for you.

You could elope and have a big party after maybe?

honestly with this its compromise though... I would start with guest numbers, he wants big and you want small so negatiate down to a number you both can deal with, this can be done by iliminating the non important people (no to random cousins/aunts/bosses/neihbors etc...) and seeing whats left

if he want 150 and you want 10 you might compromise on 50... it sound like a big number but it fills really quick and when filled with close family it doesnt feel big at all

Thanks for the replies

its not so much the size of the wedding/guestlist that is bothering me - it’s the thought of “having a wedding” full stop. I hate throwing parties and things like that - even inviting a friend to stay with me fills me with panic as I feel completely respibsible for that persons enjoyment and terrified that if I do anything wrong they will have a negative opinion of me (so irrational I know).

i suggested the idea of a quick registers office wedding then a party afterwards but that still means I’d have to address the blanat lack of guests in my side. Apart from my parents, brother and grandfather I probably have 2 or 3 friends that I’d invite - and my partner I’m sure would have in excess of 30 who he is just as close to.

i feel either way I’m going to let everyone down - it’ll either be a stressful and horrible experience for me or I’ll have it my way and people will be wondering why I’m depriving my partner of a wedding.

The tradition of having a bride's side and a grooms side in the ceremony is not necessary. You can direct the ushers to share seating equally between both sides. So that solves the "side" issue re it looking empty!

Marriage is about compromise, so if he wants something that is appropriate for his family then that's understandable. Maybe a small register office do with 40-50 guests and an evening reception? If you book the ceremony 4pm you only need to feed people once!

Hi there, welcome to the forum.

i can totally understand where you're coming from and I really hope you find something that everyone (mainly you and your boyfriend!) are happy with. If I could pick my ideal day it'd be register office (small number 30-40) and then a pub and that's it. We have loads of fun partying at weddings but we have no need for top tables, first dance, cutting of the cake, a receiving line etc. - basically a lot of what i'd classify as elements of a 'full on wedding'. My parents are on the same vibe and this was all great and then I remembered that I'm marrying someone who also has a family with ideas and it's also their son's wedding day so as much we like/would want XYZ, I can't and don't want to just steam roll that idea across as I don't think that's fair and if it were the other way around, i know i'd be upset etc.

I recently asked my boyfriend what did he ever 'dream of' when he thought of getting married and he said he always thought of the proper full on wedding etc. and it was interesting because I never imagined that but also we hadn't ever spoken about it (probably because we thought it was so far off but time suddenly comes around fast!). Anyway!! That was just some background to let you know, you're not alone with this 'dilemma' and there will be answer for you.

Could you have a register office wedding with just your parents and siblings and perhaps one or two close friends each (some register offices can hold up to 12 or 4 or 20 or up to 60 in London and i'm sure across the country, we're based in London so I know that for sure) followed by lunch at a restaurant then on another day or on the same night (i.e. much later on) a party for a bigger crowd? I'll admit this option was presented to me and my boyfriend and we thought having a party on another night was nuts (but that's not to say it might work for someone else). i also didn't think register office then afternoon tea made sense because it wouldn't fill people up for the party (read - copious amounts of alcohol) but again, could be an option for you?

I'd also say that I have a fairly smaller amount of guests than my boyfriend because i want (and only have) close friends there and not have this 'every man and his dog' approach as I'm a very private person and want to be able to spend quality time with them on the day and evening. Don't feel that by having "less people" there it won't be "as good", the more people at a party/wedding doesn't mean a better time. I told my boyfriend at the start, "Getting married takes 15 minutes (if you don't have any poems, readings etc.). Legal bit is done and you're married. Having a wedding is all the other stuff that happens like top tables, first dances, wedding favours, speeches etc. and is all extra." i'm not sure how much this has helped you but I really wanted to reply to let you know you're not alone, it may feel now that there is no answer but to keep positive and there will be - and your boyfriend should put your happiness and your needs above everything else including his family. Good luck!