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I dont want to be her maid of honour..

HappyPinkCakes1802, 11 February, 2020 at 03:56 Posted on Off Topic Posts 1 1

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I have a friend I have known for a number of years. We used to work together and then kept in random touch over the years since we left. Shes a lovely girl, in a lovely relationship.

She asked me to be her maid of honour. Something I am struggling to come to terms with. The crux of the issue is probably 2 things.

1. I do not feel close enough to her to fulfil this role.

2. I dont like this wedding stuff. I hate the fairs and the boutiques and the cost and the pressure and the stress and the endless discussion about inane objects that have no bearing on a happy marriage or a happy celebration of it. So it feels disingenuous to have this role. Honestly. It feels a waste of my time and money and energy and I resent it all.

The wedding is in over a years time. Can I back out?

I feel an enormous amount of guilt for us being on different pages regarding each other, and an enormous amount of empathy because her family arent present and her inner circle is small. I think the person she would have truly wanted wasnt selected because they live quite far away- this is just my suspicion. I cant really be the person she deserves to have in the role.

I'm greatly conflicted by my own feelings of why do I have to be self sacrificing? I also deserve better then doing something I consider a chore. Ill never be the freind she wants or deserves. And I dont want to be guilted out of social politeness to stay in this, what is more a nice, superficial friendship than inner circle friendship for me. Can I suck it up and give her the day she wants. But doing all this out of politeness seems excessive. Queue going round in circles.

I'm sorry for the essay. Its 4am and I am yet again fretting. Am I so completely awful? Has anyone else dealt with this?

It feels like politeness in replying to messages and an easy going nature to catch up occasionally has led me to become someones maid of honour.

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Latest activity by Kolyas, 30 September, 2023 at 21:45

VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
RomanticGreenStationery27135 · 22 February, 2020 at 09:49
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Oooh, that's a tough one!

1) Regarding not feeling close enough - I wouldn't let that bother you. She obviously feels you are a good friend or she wouldn't have asked you.

2) Hating all the wedding stuff - that's a harder one. Could you explain to her that you are struggling to cope and ask her if there is anyone else she could get to help with the planning? That way, it wouldn't necessarily all come down to you. Maybe work out the bits you find hardest and see if she has any other friends who can help with this?

If the wedding is in over a year's time, then she has loads of time to plan everything. Is she the kind of person who will spend all her time between now and then discussing weddings, regardless of how much needs to be done, or is this just something you fear she MIGHT do? Because if she's already had 6 months to plan, then presumably, stuff like wedding dress shopping is already done.

You are the only one who can decide what's right to do in this situation. If you can put aside your personal dislike of wedding planning and give her the support she wants, then stick with it - maybe focus on what an honour it is to be asked, how she must miss having a supportive family and how good it is that you can help? But if this bugs you so much that you're going to really resent it, then I think you should tell her as soon as possible - it will be hard for her to lose her maid of honour at any stage, but better now than any nearer to the wedding. And the closer you get to the date, the harder it will be to hide any impatience or resentment you are feeling.

Hope you find a happy solution!
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