Hello, Iam not a native English speaker and this text is really long (sorry!):
But I’ll try my best and just hope for a bit help. Because right now I feel a little bit lost and I already talked with my fiance, my family and friends about it ... but I just have the feeling that they really try to understand me, but for most people it seems like I have the perfect life and I should just get over it:
I've been with my partner for 9 years and we've been living together for 8 years, we've been through many ups and downs and have often talked about marriage, children and the future and I'm just happy having him in my life … every day. He makes me happy and whenever he's around I feel safe. I really already knew years ago: I will marry that man. So far so good …
And then he proposed to me, the love of my life. (Yay!) And I was surprised, I said yes immediately. It’s no question: I want to marry him! But I just couldn’t stop thinking: what a bad timing. Nothing felt like I always expected. I don’t need candles or roses. I don’t need a fancy dinner or a big ring. Just us two and what he knew: I always wanted a place where we can go again, maybe with our kids or every year to remember. But that’s life … and this is not the big problem.
But right now life is honestly hard: I lost my beloved job while Corona. I got a new one but I’m not happy. So I’m really trying to find a new one, but this needs time. The worst part of my job is, that my boss really don’t like. On the day of the proposal I finished a long time project. I worked really hard and I was so proud. And what happened? I got the worst feedback ever. And I was a little bit too emotional and started crying, that was two month ago. But since then, I can’t stop thinking about it, because I felt like an total idiot. I worked really hard. And never before but right now every day Im thinking to quit.
On this day my boyfriend was still at work and he's driving every weekend a little bit over 4 hours to come home. So I just thought: I will tell him about all the bad things, when we have more time together (a weeks later we had our beautiful vacation, so I thought this would be a better timing). I just wanted him to come home safetly without beeing stressed or sad.
Because The last two years weren’t easy at all: My sister got sick in 2021, my dad cancer In 2022 and I just tried to be good in everything else. I worked 10 hours a day, not feeling really well but never been sick since 2022. I just thought: new job, new chance. And my boss knows about my struggle. Maybe that’s why I was crying …
And maybe it wouldn’t be that bad if this would be the only problem, but nah that would be too easy: My fiancé had to change the city for his job (2 years ago). It is a really big chance for him and I’m really proud. I know it makes sense, he wasn’t happy in his old job and often sick because of this job.
But because of that we are seeing each other just on the weekends. His new workspace is four hours away. And so he needed a little apartment. We couldn’t afford both. So we had to gave up our big apartment and moved to a smaller one. I really loved my home, but I love him more.
So right now everything feels weird. I’m not seeing him as much as I want (before we have seen each other mostly every day) and home doesn’t feels like home anymore. It’s hard: but after two years it still doesn’t feel like home. I miss him, i miss a little bit my old life … I know it’s the past. Its just not easy going back in life: We both had great jobs, a really cute apartment, a healthy family and we always loved each other so much. And then he started being really sad about his old job. He worked late, drove every day from store to store and also his boss wasnt easy to him. So at this point I just thought: We have to do something, otherwise you are getting a burn out. Thats why I gave up so much and maybe I lost myself (just a little bit). And just to be fair: he asked me, he wouldnt hurt me. I just wanted to support him and until summer I thought it was okay (thats what I thought).
But not having him around, my family got sick (but it starts to get better, yay!), not living in the apartment I want and having not the best job isn’t easy for me. So I just hoped he would wait until next year to propose. In March 2023 he’s coming back and we can start to find a new apartment and we are seeing each other more. I’m a little bit excited about it! … or at least until our three weeks vacation this summer. I don’t need a lot of romantic, just us and a little bit time together. He proposed in June, in July we went on our vacation. I think the timing wasn’t good. But there is a reason, why he proposed and I’m stupid because of thinking like that: but I’m actually feeling mad:
his beloved grandma died in June and just 5 days later, he asked me. You have to know: he lived as a child at her place. So yes, it wasn’t easy for him.
So We haven’t seen each other the whole week, I just had a really hard work week (he knew). Around 6pm he came home and I was just on my way to a dinner (where I didn’t want to be). It’s funny just because of the proposal I realized: she’s not a real friend. I know her for forever, but we always lived in different city’s. Since she moved to my city, we see each other more often and I realized: we are just seeing each other, so she can talk about her life. She’s never asking anything.
And then he started to text me every 30 minutes and wanted to know when I’m coming home. Normally he isn’t that guy, so I was really nervous and thought something bad happened: But the waitress was slow, the traffic really bad. Around 11pm i was home, just stressed and honestly annoyed. now I know he was just nervous, but I can’t stop thinking: why this moment. Nothing felt right.
I have a problem with heights and where am I getting The question? On the roof. He did a Picknick and maybe that’s funny: but I just thought: I just ate at a restaurant? The view was really pretty, but not at all what I thought or what I like. And maybe thats childish: But for me getting the engagement on the roof of a building I really dont like to life ...just felt wrong. So after a really stressful week at work, his beloved grandma just died and I haven’t seen him the whole week: he asked the most important question. Sure I said yes. But I can’t understand why he was so in rush.
On the next day I was happy, but the days after I realizied: we never celebrated. Sure he bought champagne for the roof, but I honestly wanted a nice day together and not just two hours, after a really hard day. The whole weekend was just packed. Saturday my Family, Sunday his family and on Monday the funeral. We couldn’t change the plans. I just didn’t felt right or like us. I got congrats at a funeral… I hope someone can understand: this doesn’t feel right. And I just want to think: hey iam marrying the greatest man, but … I’m just sad.
So I got this really pretty ring, I will marry the love of my life, he really asked me to be his wife, our family is happy about it and what happens? more than 2 month later I can't get over it and honestly I just feel stupid, because I know: Its just one moment of a hopefully really long marriage.
So I started to think: why? we went to our vacation. And I just couldn’t stop thinking: why not here. Iam happy, we’re together, no friends and no family… just love. And I did something I never thought I could do: I told him I’m sad, that I love him but I just couldn’t understand. And he explained: that his grandma always told him not to wait and he had the ring for almost 6 month and then his grandma died and he just thought: I have to do it now, I have to do it before the funeral. And I really hoped, that this would be enough for me. Because I love him. The ring was perfect just bad timing … but now always when i look at the ring I really have bad thoughts. Im not seeing him or us. And I really would like to go back in time. And now I feel bad again, because I should be happy and I know finding love isn’t easy. But I can’t: that was hopefully the only proposal I’ll ever get.
… I feel terrible for my words and I never thought that we would ever be in such a situation. I know it’s just an engagement but I’m really sad and I don’t find a way out. I really try to wear my ring and to be proud. But right now, I just feel sad and looking at the ring makes me not feeling really well. And it’s kind of weird: he choosed perfectly! I love the ring. So after wearing the ring the whole time on the first weeks, I put the ring back in his box. Sometimes he is in my purchase, but thats not how it should work. I kind of feeling like Carry in Sex of the city (maybe someone knows). Just with the difference that I always wanted to wear my ring and honestly feeling really terrible about my reaction. And I know its not about my fiance, I just hoped so much more.
I feel like an annoying princess talking about all this stuff. Right now I have a guy who’s that awesome. He’s listening, he really tries to understand what I’m feeling, who apologized not just once (but i think its not right that he’s doing it, because I know he did nothing bad … i mean: he proposed with a ring after a long time relationship). I just feel bad, until the end of July he thought he did a great job and now I also ruined his idea of our moment/ our proposal. I know I have to get over it, I know thats life. But seeing all the pretty proposals doesnt make it any easier. And right now my fiance is trying so hard. On our Annivery we did a little weekend trip together, just us. It was perfect. But after realizing all of it, I was really emotional. Because thats what I wanted. And I know it made him really sad (I would be really sad too), but not talking to him about my emotions feels weird too. And on the weekends, he honestly can see that im not back to normal as much as I'm trying to get over it.
I know the wedding is a bigger thing, but I just hoped: I would get this "one moment" I can tell everyone and looking back and just smiling about it. Because this would be just him, showing me his love. On the last two month I had really hard emotional reactions. I know my body is telling me to stop and I have to listen. Its just so sad, that something that beautiful can produce this feelings. My fiance already asked me, If we should do a re-proposal next year and start all over again. And I love him for asking this and I know not everyone whould do something like that. But after telling me this I felt ungrateful. He is trying so hard. He would buy a second ring, just to make me happy again. And while doing all this, he must feel so bad. And this is my fault.
...Just because I cant stop thinking: why couldn't he wait until our vacation, maybe until next year. At least until a happy day.
