I have gone fully nuts.. (BT too!)

Firstly congratulations!!!!!!!!!

Secondly I haven't got anything to add because I am rubbish at the advice giving so wanted to give you a ?

Firts off, congratulations ?

I would be vey angry if H questioned me, and no, I wouldn't hand over my phone. It would be his issue to deal with and I wouldn't be interested in placating him by letting him go through my personal messages, would it start a trend of him needing to do so every so often? That said, maybe just explain to your H that this is a difficult time for you, your body is changing and your hormones are all over the place...so he may need to put up with the occasional unreasonable outburst.

I should add that 2-3 months ago H went through my phone whilst I was sleeping so it riled me even more that there seemed to be double standards. He obviously found nothing apart from a text to my sister about our financial situation that H wasn't comfortable with people knowing.

I do feel like in normaI circumstances I wouldn't act like this but feel like everything is being blown out of proportion with hormones etc

P.s thanks for the congratulations ?

Ah congratulations Sam! Lovely news, hope you're feeling ok.

Rubbish with advice but I'd definitely agree with MY advice ?

Congrats.. I agree with MY though

Congratulations Sam!

If I am being totally honest I would have asked to see H's phone too, I know this isn't the right thing but as I say I am just being honest.... then I would have to deal with the guilt that I'd invaded his privacy and the barage of abuse I would get off H for it - mind you if he'd asked to see my phone then I wouldn't feel guilty.

I am sure you are worrying over nothing, try to forget all about it and I am sure these thoughts will defuse in time.

Have you got good reason to think he is up to something? Was it him who got into the payday loans thing? Is is borrowing more behind your back? Does he have a gambling problem?

Hope you are ok x

Congratulations!

I think you need to discover why you're suspicious? Has he given you reason to be suspicious? i.e. has he had problems in the past etc.

Then you need to speak to him about it and explain that, it could be the hormones but you're feeling insecure etc.

I hope things improve for you!

Thanks for the replies, on my phone so can't quote. Pregnancy wise I havent felt bad, just tired and hormonal. I jad a scan at 7 weeks because they thought it may have been ectopic but all was well.

So, spoke to H over and over. He did let me see his phone but his call log was deleted from yesterday afternoon and also he had deleted whole text message conversations as I know he had received messages from people and they are no longer in hos phone but other messages are. His explanation is that he regularly deletes messages that he no longer needs and his call log.. I wouldn't know this as dont see his phone!

I dontthink he has been applying for loans or think he has a gambling problem. Porn is a possibility (he is a bloke!). He has lied to me in the past about speaking to his daughters mum. When we had been going out a few months I found a phone statement and it turned out he was calling/ texting her 5-6 times a day while he was at work. He also didn't tell me about speaking to another ex (who he bought a house with) about getting the deeds for the house as they were being held at a solicitors she worked. I found out because her name came up in google history and at first he completely denied knowing the name!

My head is all over the place and I dont know what to think.. anything that he may have been hiding he would obviously have deleted anywayI

Big congratulations!! It sounds like unfortunately he has given you reasons to question his trust in the past, but I still think you need to try and trust him. Maybe have a conversation with him and explain why you feel like you do at present and see if you can get him to understand where you are coming from...

Congratulations Sam!!

Any change today with H?

My gut reaction is 'what has he got to hide', but like JoJo me and boyo often use each others phones (I am always playing Hayday on his ?) and we answer texts and calls for each other.

We talked last night and I went to bed at 10.30. H said he was 'nipping to the shop' but then proceeded to put leather cuff etc on which he wouldn't normally do if he were nipping out. I went to sleep and woke at 2.30 when he was coming to bed. I asked what he'd been doing and he said watching 5 on demand on the tv. Instantly knew this was a lie as I had tried to get on it earlier in the day and it said we didn't have something installed so didnt work. He was also cold so just got in.

I waited for him to go to sleep and checked his phone and he had deleted all his Internet history. I have been awake since 2.30. H woke up at 6 and came downstairs, I asked him again what he had been watching the night before and he tried to lie again and then eventually said that he'd gone to the pub and back to a friends house. Its these constant lies that are making me paranoid and I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. He wouldn't let me take the car so my mum picked me up and ive spent the morning at my parents.

Im confused and feel like I could do with a holiday on my own! ?

Sam I think that is so unacceptable for him to lie to you I would have flown off the handle at that.

You sound so calm about it all, wish I was better at giving advice, hopefully Jo will be back soon

Are you sure you can't pop out on Thursday for a bit to meet us- I'd love to buy you a drink (non alcoholic of course!)

Going to the pub, then back to a mate's, is not a problem. Lying about doing it is. I assume you 'allow' him to go out with mates, so why the deceit? Although perhaps he thinks it less acceptable now you're pregnant, so hides it?

I'm afraid he has more explaining to do. I wouldn't let this rest.

Definitely come on Thursday. I'll buy the second (non-alcoholic) drink.

Believe me I haven't been calm! I hit H this morning because he wouldn't give me the car keys and had me walking the roads at 6am waiting to be picked up ☹️ He has well and truly had all of my anger thrown at him this morning! He said he lied because he didn't want to get in to any possible arguments at 2.30 and waa going to tell me in the morning. .? I dont believe this and the only thing I have a problem with is the lying, I couldn't give 2 hoots about him going to the pub!

He always seema to lie to try and smooth over a situation without realising it is going to make the situation worse in the long run. We have had MANY a tall about this and the only thing I ever ask of him is the truth but even this seems to be too much. Also, he is so persistent that I find myself going back before I am ready and truly know what's best because otherwise I get phone calls and texts, my mum geta calls and he turns up at my parents so I never have any time and space to figure out what I need. Feel like I cant make sense of my thoughts or emotions at the minute.

I feel stupid because after all the crap we've been through if a friend were telling me all this I would be packing her bags for her yet I seem to keep going back only for more problems to keep happening. Ive also changed massively and have such a bad temper that I cant control now (this was before pregnancy too!) which is making me feel out of control.

Don't feel stupid- believe me you are not.

If you need time out / away from him then he should respect that. Has he started to slip back in to his constant texting/calling ways again?

I would feel suffocated and turn off my phone and go somewhere no on can find me for a bit- just watch the world go by in a café or something.

I hadn't really thought about it but yes I think the phone calls/ texts have picked up a bit. There and rarely any phone calls in the morning now as he has been taking me ans picking me up from work but still most lunchtimes although they're much shorter calls now.

I was lose to leaving last week. I had 3 days off work because I felt like I couldn't cope with the constant pressure I feel/ felt under. It started when I went to bed at 11.30 and he starts saying we need to talk and I need to be better with his daughter. She is 4 and a bit of a handful. It was easier a few years back because she was too young to understand that her daddy is with someone else but know she constantly tries to push thw boundaries with me because she realises im not her mum or dad. H told me not to discipline her and to basically let her run rings around me. This started a huge debate and in the end I felt so crushed as it felt I was constantly being told I wasn't doing anything right. We had major talks after this and he seemed to see the pressure and stress he puts on me but now im just feeling like it is problem after problem and don't know when it will stop.

Sorry to ramble!!

I feel so ashamed of completely losing control, having such a nad temper and hitting him. I have apologised since and this just isn't the person I used to be.

My dilemma is how many problems keep cropping up and how many do we try to fix before eventually deciding enough is enough. I think after we talk he does truly realise what he has been like and what he has done wrong but surely they are all things which should come naturally? I dont doubt that he loves me but he is such hard work I do wonder how much I can take before completely breaking.

Oh Sam that is so sad.

I don't think all things come naturally to people. I think Jojos suggestion about having a neutral 3rd party involved is a good one, do you think that is something you could both consider?

I don't know if this is controversial but I don't agree with your H one bit on this. You are neither her Mum nor her Dad but you ARE an authority figure in her life and I think you have every right to discipline her as appropriate, and expect complete support from your H in front of his daughter. Even if you only send her to her room, to await more formal sanctions from Dad, you should feel able to do this. And I wonder if once formal punishment is decided (losing pocket money/privileges/etc), you should, on occasion, be the person to deliver the verdict, with your H right beside you. She has to learn!

I agree. If you are to be a permanent fixture in her life she needs ot learn now at a young age that she must respect you or there will be consequences. It will only get harder as she gets older.

I will buy you the 3rd drink if you can come out for a bit on Thurs. Also we have a spare room if you want a total break from everything and I imagine we're not so far away.

You Otters really are a lovely bunch! He eventually agreed with the step daughter situation after talking to his parents but was initially arguing that I, for example, shouldn't tell her to stop bashing all the keys of H's work computer or tell her that she it isn't nice to speak to me rudely. This is why I find it so difficult because things that I see as common sense fundamental things end up becoming huge problems and talking points between us.

I have spoken to him lots today and have told him I don't think I can carry on in this relationship. I know he loves me but I feel suffocated, pressurised and feel like its problem after problem. My mind is all over the place and I'll be staying at my parents tonight to try and get my thoughts together. Thanks for listening to my rumblings, I do appreciate you all!

Oh, and I didn't realise it was this Thursday.i get paid (if I'm right in thinking its the 25th!?) so will see how I feel x

Aw Sam, that is a more positive update than I expected in all honesty!

I think it is so good that you are staying at your parents, hopefully you will both have a chance to breath so to speak.

Yus tis this Thursday, would be lovely if you can make it but no pressure!

Hope you have a peaceful evening tonight x

Heya,

I just wanted to pop in to lend a bit of support.

I can completely see why you've looked through his phone and also why you lashed out (not saying it's the right thing to do but tbh I think I prob would too in your situation).

I think the thing is that he's done stuff in the past which wasn't fair. Not saying he's doing anything terrible now but the fact that he is acting out of the ordinary probably does mean something must be up even if he's just acting up because of recent money worries etc.

I hope that a bit of space will make him sort himself out and realise that he can't continue to be as secretitive as he has been.

Also wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS! In amongst all this you really are at an exciting time, I think and hope that all this is something simple like a porn overload or he's become addicted to angry-birds and then it all blows over for you.

Spoke to him on Sunday. He is adamant there was nothing on his phone and he was simply pissed off at being accused of something from completely no where. I can see this 100% as I'd probably be the same and I know with my hormones being all over the place I have been acting quite strange!

However, I told him that lying to me about where he had been is under no circumstances acceptable. Especially after the arguement the night before about me losing trust in him. He knows he was a complete pillock for doing this. I got everything out in the open, not just what had happened over the weekend, but things like money, the car, needing space etc. He agreed that he is completely useless with money and is going to let me sort our finances out come the end of the month. He has asked not to have any money in his account and for me to transfer money as and when he needs it. I'm actually delighted by this because I don't think he realises how much he spends! Also, for everything he is spending I'm going to make sure I transfer the same amount to another account for me as this has been something that hasn't been fair in the past.

Thank you for all your help again. xx

Hope it works for you chuck and you can focus on the exciting times ahead!

think you're bang on with saying that it's not accespable not to tell you where he's going when you've already said that you're feeling a little uneasy/untrusting at the moment. Hormones or something else he needs to support you at the moment.

Glad you've made progress with the money thing, that's a step in the right direction ?