I want to cancel wedding and elope, he doesn't.

I do think you are being a little unreasonable sorry.

I think you need to be honest with yourself as from the sounds of things the money isn't really your driving factor - it's the lack of family support.

You both agreed to this wedding hence paying the deposits ... and a wedding is about both of you.

If it wasn't what you wanted then you should have said so earlier, because clearly this IS what your future husband wants.

My fiancée hasn't planned much of our wedding either and I've had to budget and control the money but the end result is that he gets the day he asked for, so he's okay with the sacrifices even if he does sometimes sulk or whinge.

If you are as close to your family as you say you are then you should be able to tell them that this day IS important to YOU and that they are actually offending you and making a mockery of you by keep saying these things and that you'd prefer they don't say them around you anymore because it's hurtful.

Any self respecting person would feel guilty and realise they were in the wrong if you pointed it out to them.

Also, eloping isn't as cheap as you might think it is.

Even if you were to go to gretna green ... you'd have lost your £600 of deposits and then have to pay for travel, accomodation, a new minister, whatever wedding touches you wanted while you were there .... It would easily cost you £1,000 - £1,500 all in to elope .... which when you add on your lost deposits means your actually only saving around £3000 ..... not a huge amount in the grand scheme of things when it means sacrificing one persons happiness to achieve it.

And eloping to florida wouldn't really save you ANY money at all.

I think that if you can't afford the big expensive wedding, then there are things you can do to cut costs.

What about getting married late in the day and cutting out the sit down meal and just opting for an evening party with a buffet? That way you still have everyone there, but you only feed them once.

Hello,

Firstly a virtual hug as I can tell you are really stressed out about this ?

It is tough being stuck between camps - the 'Woohoo, a wedding is a massive celebration, once in a life-time event' camp and the 'It's just one day' camp.

Re your family, as a matter of self-preservation, I would not share the cost of anything wedding -related with them. I don't think there is any point, you know what their reaction will be, and you can do without that sort of negativity.

Sorry about your nightmare neighbours, really unfortunate timing. Re, your car, I know it not in good shape but will it keep working for another year or so?

Re the wedding, the decision to cancel or to go ahead with the big wedding is a big one. If your OH wants a big wedding and he doesn't get it, it could lead to resentment further down the line. If you do decide to go ahead with the wedding, you would have to do so on the proviso that your OH co-operates more and is more involved with the planning. Set a budget at the start and get his buy-in. It's not fair to insist on having this big wedding and leave all the stress of planning and budgeting to you. You can have a nice celebration with family and friends if you make some savvy choices and spend the money on the important things.

Good luck, I hope it all works out!

I was in a similar situation when we had planned to elope and then my H decided he wanted his mum there. I was very upset as it had been my dream to elope, but I decided I couldn't deny him his wishes, and I think you probably have to look at it the same way. You could scale down the wedding maybe - go to Gretna and take a few people, then just have a meal afterwards, like we did. There is a compromise in there!

You hit the nail on the head, it is my family, i just wrote like 2 pages going to reply explaining how bad i feel about me not having anyone to support me and him having so much family that are happy for him and don't use him as an ATM .. i deleted them because it was way too personal. The jist was my family aren't "normal society" members, i love them to death but they are the kind of people that think they are owed soemthing from everyone. As soon as i was making money they were milking me for it... currently my brother owes 300, my mum owes 600 (but claims she doesn't) and every single family member has borrowed so much money which i know i wont get back. I know the reason they want me to elope and not have a wedding was because it would mean they wont be able to get money out of me anymore. They don't want me to buy a house because it means i wont be able to give them money anymore. It's no secret in my family, i'm the only family member with spare money. When my dad died they tried to make me be the only one to pay the funeral but my gran stepped in and said to make a payment plan and all us pay in and i got treated terribly for that, they all basically said i was selfish. (they chose to have kids they couldn't afford, i chose to not have kids, i say chose because they tried for the kids even though they were on benefits) ... i work hard, save, yes i go on one holiday a year and that apparently isn't fair according to them either. Sorry im going off again, don't want to write as much personal stuff as last time but yeah, it is kinda the money, but it's mainly my family and how they use me as an ATM and honestly i feel like they are punishing me for spending so much money by saying loads of negative things because i havent been able to lend them money anymore.

I think if he wants the big expensive wedding then you're going to need to sit down and budget for it properly and he needs to do a direct debit into savings each month. As for your family not being interested, no one I know has been particularly bothered but now it's getting closer everyone seems to be getting more excited. My oh hasn't helped plan our wedding either but to him it's always been ages away. Now he knows we've only got a couple of months left he's started to help a lot more. You're only getting married once so I think you're going to need to come up with something you're both happy with. You could elope and have a big party with family and friends afterwards?

I remember reading about your family before. They need a slap, end of! Your money is not their money, and the sooner you remind them of that the better. No more handouts, no more feeling guilty (you have nothing to feel guilty for!) live for you. I don't know who you bank with but my old car got a bit unreliable so I got a loan from my bank (hsbc) which is less than 4% apr, so it's not a lot extra to pay back and you get a couple of years. Buying a house is a long, expensive process, I actually would tend to agree with a previous poster that says if it's really bad, look at renting elsewhere for a while. You and your OH also need to sit down and really think about the wedding before you pay anymore. Think about whether you can scale it back a little (like only feeding guests once) and explain to him that he needs to put more into the planning process as it's what he wants! Stop putting yourself through hell xx

The thing with a wedding is it has to be for both of you. You need to sit down and find a compromise that both of you are happy with between the elopement and the big wedding. Put all the family stuff to one side and talk about just the wedding and your financial status. Remind your OH gently that if he wants the big wedding then something else has to give and while it would be a lovely thing to have and talk about later and remember, the house is more of a long-term investment.

Remind him also, that houses rarely come without something that requires doing, whether it's large amounts of work or just simple decorating - so that's all more money that will need to be spent.

You need to sit down together when you have time and space to talk properly and work out what you both want x

No your not being selfish and not unreasonable but I do think you need to sit down and talk it over could you compromise and scale it down? So close family only etc.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting a house, we delayed by a year so that we could buy a house and I'm glad we did otherwise all that would go through my mind is that could be used towards a deposit etc.

My OH was pretty bad with organising in the beginning - after a good long chat along the lines of this isn't my wedding so why I am doing all the work it turns out he didn't want to get it wrong or know fully what to do so avoiding it all completely. Maybe your OH is in this position too?

Can you scale down your venue - i.e. do they have a smaller room available that way you don't loose the deposit and it doesn't cost as much?

We have decided to cut it down some, the way we were going we were going to have 100 plus guests in the evening which is too much so OH agreed to make it 75 maximum which brings price down a bit. He has agreed I should stop lending money to my family all together, no matter what it's for because if it wasn't for me giving them money all the time we could potentially have already bought our house. I need to stop listeneing to my family, when my sister asked if i was trying after the wedding i said probably and she said i should wait because i would have no spare money with a kid.. i know she meant spare money for her though. I can't keep putting my life on hold because of them and i have been so close to cutting them out lately because they only talk to me when they need things.

I couldn't deprive my OH of the wedding he wants, he wants his family there and they are excited, will just cut things out that we don't need to try save. I've joined budget wedding group on facebook and will buy some stuff there if i see a deal Feeling a bit better, we also agreed we might just buy a flat if need be, we only want 2 kids, and if we push ourselves for a 3 bedroom when we might not need it if we have 2 boys or 2 girls etc it would be annoying, we would just need to make sure we could add an extension or put in a wall to make one double room into 2 singles if need be which will save money in the long run.

We just need to get more organised; write a list of what is paid and still needs paid, whats booked and still needs booked, and what money we can put away for wedding and how much for house.. If i dont have to worry about family pushing and pushing until they get the money they want its do able but honestly they can go low to get what they want, ive had them say "well i guess -neice- will just have to gow ithout" or "aw but he needs a new uniform, his is full of holes and he might get bullied" and then she goes gets her boyfriend a mccdonalds. I've had them say they need me to pay their car insurance or they wil get fired because their job needs a car etc... ive told them all i'm not giving them anymore money and i expect the money ive lent them back asap... they were pissed saying i dont even lend them anything anymore and 2 said they don't owe me anything, at least my brother admits he still owes me money, the rest are denying it but i dont even care so long as they know the lending stops now.

Feeling a bit better now, like a weights been lifted.

That sounds like a really good plan! I hope your family stop giving you grief.

I'm glad you've said this to your family. Stick to your guns on this one or it will be endless. Good luck.

This sounds rotten, and I'm sorry you're stressing out about all of this.

There are different ways to save money here and there, wedding fairs usually offer a percentage off or special deals. There are discount groups on facebook, sample dresses, preloved etc. Cutting back your numbers is probably going to be your biggest saving though!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do think you need a cards on the table chat. If the big wedding is what he wants, he needs to help you rather than make you plan it and pay for it all. OH and I have recently gone through some pretty bad months financially, and I had to have this talk with him. We got engaged, he wanted a big wedding, his family is much much bigger than mine, then his hours got cut to about 10 a week. He didn't look for extra work until I said if he didn't have prospects of more work in a week he would have to find somewhere else to live because I can't support 2 people and pay for a wedding on my wage. I know it's hard, but it worked and things are looking up!

As for your family, the less they know the better. The cost of your wedding is not their concern unless they are contributing (A lesson the hitchers taught me after issues I had!)

Can you complain to the council/landlord? Alternatively you could look into the help to buy scheme which helps first time buyers. Maybe even try and find something else to rent to get rid of that stress.

I think you're fairly near me, so if you need a hand finding any suppliers or discounts let me know!