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Beginner November 2025 Greater Manchester

i was secretly hoping to get married on my 20th anniversary with my boyfriend and now my friend has sent out “save the dates” for the same weekend! He

Lady1234, 9 December, 2024 at 07:28 Posted on Planning 0 2

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Please help me - I’m looking for advice and have no one to speak to about this.

My boyfriend and I have privately discussed getting married for our 20 year anniversary next year. It’s a secret we haven’t told anyone. He wants to do a surprise proposal before we discuss anything more. So I’m patiently waiting kinda hoping that we’re aiming to get married next November.

However, my friend Joanne has just sent a ‘save to date’ for her wedding to me and my best friend Cait for the same weekend. I haven’t told my best friend Cait I might be getting married even and I’m not ready to because there’s nothing concrete yet. (For context - I’m not super close to Joanne so I’m hoping by the time she sends proper RSVP Invites I’ll actually know what’s happening for me)

I know Cait is going to want to discuss this other friend’s wedding with me… potentially checking I’m definitely going etc. I feel like it’s disrespectful to my partner to discuss our potential plans as we’ve agreed to keep it private for now. However, I don’t want to make false promises that I’ll be attending. I’ve mainly been invited to keep my friend Cait company as her and Joanne are good friends but there’s not many other people Cait will know at the wedding. Also, if I do get married that weekend I would like my best friend Cait at my wedding and I think she’d want to be at mine too…

I feel like my best friend will be mad at me if she’s promising Joanne she’ll be at her wedding and then I end up announcing mine the same weekend. I can see it’s going to put Cait in a really awkward situation. And part of me feels like the right thing to do is just to be honest with Cait now that there’s potentially plans for me to get married that date too…. But like I said if I do that I’m disrespecting my partners wishes to keep this private between us. And he’s not wrong, right now technically there’s nothing to tell. It’s not a guarantee we will get married next year. (I’m just REALLY hoping we are but I can’t talk/push it anymore)

It’s not an option to try and skirt this one - especially with my best friend. She’s either gonna want a “YES I’ll be there!!” And if I’m not enthusiastic she’s gonna want a damn good reason as to why I might not be able to. Like I don’t feel like there’s any other scenario I can play on to say why I might not be able to without spilling any beans..

So my quandary is… What do I do if my best friend Cait and/or Joanne corner me and ask if I’m attending? Do I say yes… and then go back on that if my boyfriend proposes and our plans go ahead? Or do I quietly tell my best friend that I might be getting married too and break my word with my partner? I feel so stuck..

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Latest activity by Sarah Blake, 17 December, 2024 at 11:56

VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
RomanticGreenStationery27135 · 10 December, 2024 at 09:47
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Since you're not even engaged yet, I would just change the date of your own wedding. I know you were hoping to get married on a specific date that has sentimental significance, but if you pick another date, you will have TWO special dates to celebrate in future. And over time, getting married on a specific date is going to seem much less important - ask any couple who had to postpone their wedding due to Covid lockdowns. Lots of couples missed out on getting married on their 'significant date' due to this, but I bet very few of them are bothered about that four years on.
However, I do take issue with your statement that "I’m just REALLY hoping we are but I can’t talk/push it anymore". We are not in the Victorian Era any longer. Marriage should be a decision that is made jointly, by equal partners. It's fine if you want to have the traditional 'surprise proposal', but that should be a formality which follows on from an agreement to marry. And if you want to marry in 11 months time, then you need to be getting engaged soon. In your place, I would say something along the lines of "We were talking about getting married next November. If that is going to happen, we really need to be getting engaged by mid January. I know you want to plan a surprise proposal, and I don't need to know the details of that, but I would like to know if this timeline is in line with what you were planning." (Your friend sending a Save the Date for the date you'd originally hoped to have is the perfect opportunity to raise the topic. )
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Beginner May 2024 Pakistan
Read · 10 December, 2024 at 10:50
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It sounds like you're in a tricky spot! You could try to be vague for now, telling Cait you're still figuring out your plans for that weekend without giving too much away. This way, you’re not making any false promises, and you can keep your potential wedding plans private for now as your partner wishes. When the time comes, you can address the situation more clearly.
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