If your parents treat you and your siblings differently, WDYD?

Em, you need to give more detail. My mother treated us very differently - she abused me and not my older brother. That's very extreme and called for extreme measures, I have nothing to do with her now. If it was 'you babysit for their kids more / buy them nicer presents /celebrate their success more enthusiastically variety of favouritism I'd like to think that I would try and get past it. But I suppose that years of that stuff must hurt too.

WSS, it depends on the circs.

Mine isn;t my parents it's my aunt...alot of family history but she has always treated me differently from my cousins from stupid things like presents to more hurtful comments about how I don't deserve certain things in my life and I would never amount to anything. It hurt alot but I got over it and don't let it get to me know. I know it is probably different with a parent though ?

You resign to the fact that that’s life and only do minimal essential contact only.

That’s my experience anyway.

My parents treat my younger sister and me very differently. I know this sounds cliched, but ever since I was quite young I was very aware that she was "favourite". Even now we're both in our mid/late 30's, she still has a bedroom at their house "just in case" and she literally can do no wrong. I find her very rude, if you try to keep in contact you're just ignored until she wants to talk. My mother on the other hand sees this as her being so busy due to incredibly important job!

We are very different though: I married and had my two eldest very young, went through a traumatic divorce 13 years later, and now have a 3 yr old and have recently married my partner. She is two years younger than me, never had a serious boyfriend, I've never seen her with anyone, follows her hobby passionately, has a very good job, but has spent most of her adult life having counselling.

I just get over it and get on with it to be honest!

It's nothing as extreme as abuse but there has been very blatant favouritism throughout our lives. It is now causing me problems as she is constantly asking me for money while she continues to bail out my brother. WHile she seems to make it her aim to make my brother's life as easy as possible she also seems unintentionally or otherwise, to want to keep adding stress to mine, even at times when I've been through severe periods of depression.

Similar to claireac actually, my younger sister and I get treated very differently. We are very different people though I'm very independent ,she isn't, whether that's nature or nurture who knows, since I got married and moved out of home it bothers me less because it's not in my face all the time, distance and having my own life away from the family home has been really good for me.

There is the odd occasion when it gets to me luckily H is really good and makes up for a lot

I guess I am lucky that it is relatively minor, but I get annoyed, jealous and hurt. Possibly not the most helpful reaction, but hey ho.

Emmali, I'm in your position too, it's miserable.

I've also known since I was young this is the case, but in my teens I thought it was all in my head and questioned my mental health because my mother said it was all in my head too but in recent years my OH and my friends and independent people have noticed and commented on it.

I want to sit down, and tell them exactly the effect they have on me because I'm carrying all this anger round with me, but what would be the point? They'll only deny it once again.

For all those that replied and said they eventually got over it...how did you do that? Everytime I see my parents it makes me miserable.

Yes you do get over it, but you don't forget it, its always there. For example when I was pregnant I stressed about having a boy, what if I were like my Mum and had such a different bond with my boy rather than my two girls - I don't want to be like her, I want to have the same bond with all my children.

In all honestly I think my brother needs the extra help anway, he is the sort of "I can't paint my wall in less mother agress on the colour" type person - not good in the long term.

Also wanted to say, when I was reading this post my OH said "Did you post that?" so even more proof you're not alone! ?

My mother did treat us differently but emotionally abused us both in different ways.... I think whatever the issue, if your parents are hurting you then you need some separation. Thats what I did - I had loads of counselling and realised that contact with her was hurting me so I just stopped making any effort.... she gradually learnt that I wasnt going to take it anymore and I now have quite a good relationship with her.... but it took time and my walking away to get there.

Good luck with it xxx

ETA - i didnt cull her completely - just retreated...

Hmm i guess get over it is abit strong. I would seek out her approval, try to make my aunt like me, try to be a good girl, even to the point that I would agree that she was always right and that I was just a failure.

I don't let myself get sucked in anymore, and I keep her at a distance. If I do see her then I am just polite and am guarded with anything that she is told. I realised I don't need her to validate who I am, that wasn't an easy thing though! I

It's only in the past 5 or 6 years where things have been strained with my father and other siblings. My dad hasn't been to see me in 6 years whereas he always goes to see my two sisters and brother. In the past two years i started backing off just to see if he would start to phone me, visit me, make first contact - he never did. The thing the hurts the most though is that I'm still waiting for him to acknowldge my graduation, in fact all my siblings have given the whole graduation thing the cold shoulder, not one of them have made any comments on my photos on facebook etc which really hurts as I just can't understand why.

Oh well, such is life

I don't think my parents treat me & my sister differently, although they do acknowledge we are very different people

My H's parents adore both my H and his sister, however, they do treat them both differently. My SIL is very much the molly coddled one, who needs help in everything (FIL is guarantor for her mortgage, we had no financial help when we bought our place). SIL is the delicate one and not expected to do much, whereas my H (and me to an extent) are expected to do many chores/activites for my PIL. We are also expected to pay out for things whereas SIL never dips her hands in her pockets. Okay, there are 2 of us, and SIL is sinlge, but even when she has had boyfriends, it's always been down to me & H to pick up restaurant bills etc. Last year we took PIL away for FIL's special birthday. The plan was for H, his mum & SIL to pay for a really good hotel and meal. MIL paid for the meal, and my H paid for us, his sister & his parents to stay in a very nice hotel. It cost us about £300 and SIL didn't give a penny towards it. Still, that's my H's fault for not asking his sister to help pay...

Hmmm, off tangent a bit I guess.

My older sister and I laugh together about how favoured she is. As is my brother, in a different way. I don't much care, tbh. But I stepped away from family games many years ago. Some things still hurt... but I am so distant from my parents now I don't see how they could do anything but favour the others. So I don't get any new hurt, iyswim? I just roll my eyes. Stuff like travelling for miles to provide childcare for one grandchild, but only meeting mine once in 6 months. It's not an approach that would suit most people, but I've basically shut up shop to it, and I genuinely don't get too bothered.

Looking at this thread from the point of view of being a parent is interesting. I read somewhere, might have been Siblings Without Rivalry (which is both a good and bad book) that if you always go for the 'I always treat you equally at all times' tac you'll always fail. So I try and go from the point of view that sometimes one of them will get more attention but that they get attention because they need it. Not just because it is being given to the other. Does that make sense? I am not saying that it is right either, its just the way I approach things.

My little sister has always appeared to be the 'favourite'. I think I learned that my mum is a person with faults the same as any other adult. She tried to correct the mistakes she made with my brother and I when dealing with my sis. It was hard growing up and feeling so invisible, never having them at parents evenings but always going to hers, never getting a big well done for getting As but watching the fuss over her when she got Cs. H and I spoke about this stuff on Monday oddly enough, he thinks that I give the impression of being so strong and independent and people make the mistake of thinking that I don't need their help. I never had anyone to talk to, my mum didn't believe me when I was being bullied and literally never took the time to have a conversation with me but has been all of those things to my sister. I think now I'm just glad that my sister had things better (I love her to bits) no point all three of us having a hard time.

A big turning point for me came when I suddenly realised that as an adult and parent myself, that puts us on equal terms and I deal with her as such. I don't enter into any arguments with her, I go into any discussion forearmed with the knowledge that I know these things were all a problem and forgiving her for not being able to do the same. I leave my mum and sister's relationship to them and deal with ours in it's own right. We have an infinitely better relationship now as two communicating adults than we did as mother and daughter. And that's enough for me. I try to keep my childhood in mind when dealing with my son, which is far more worth the time and effort. Don't get me wrong, I still have the odd RAAAAR! moment but they hurt much less and are dealt with much quicker.

I think in your case, you need to decide if this will continue or not because your mum isn't able to. It doesn't matter why she isn't able to but it's been this way all your life and you can't expect that she will change. Don't give her money if you don't want to. Let her bail your brother out if she chooses to. Take a biiiig step back. Accept that this is how it is and find a way to cope with it. Easier said than done I know but you'll be so much happier.

x

We are treated differently but I don't care. It annoys me somewhat that he is so stupid and has to be treated in that way (always bailed out with money etc), but that's where it ends.

My mum has always treated us the same, even down to spending the same amount on us at Christmas and birthdays so we don't feel like we're missing out.

SIL on the other hand is mummy and Daddys little princess (at 33) and can't do no wrong. They got in debt over her wedding, she didn't contribute at all and didn't offer to, where as they asked to borrow money around the time of our wedding as they were struggling to pay off the credit cards after hers.

H is currently having a bit of an argument with PIL and SIL at the moment and they have asked him to apologise because he's really upset his 'baby' sister. They seem to forget that it's her that started it all and have just brushed off what she said to us. I think it's become more obvious since we've both had children and our daughter is treated alot differently to her son. I really believe that H is ready to cull his sister

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant.

Thanks for all your replies. Although I don't wish this on anyone else, it's also nice to know I am not alone.

Like others here, i have always known that my brother is the favourite. Mum has always completely denied it, claiming I'm irrationally jealous but I've had other relatives say to me "Well, he always was the favourite."

The money situation is annoying me as they have bailed him out time and again. Mum knows that we're struggling financially too but we have a responsibility to keep a roof over our girls' heads while my brother is single. Mum actually said to me the other day, "Why should he work fulltime and have no money left at the end of the month?" Erm, cos that's life, and he could rent out the room you gave him the money to do up for that purpose or get a second job, like I had to when I moved out of home.

Hey ho. I'm tryng to come to terms with it, but our parents have a special hold over us, don't they?

I have always thought that my elder sister was favoured. Any accomplishments of hers have always been hugely celebrated where as i struggled to get a well done. I've always felt like we are compared unfairly as we are completely different people. She is very close to my parents, but i am not really.

I used to get really upset and annoyed with my parents and sister about this. When i moved out and met my fiance I realised that things will never chnage and i needed to accept that this is how it is. I had some counselling at university which helped but i have now come to terms with the fact that my parents are who they are. I didn't want to walk around with all this anger and resentment especially because i knew talking to them wouldn't make any difference.

The only way i got over it was to realise that there was nothing i could do to change it and i needed to accept the situation and move on. I now don't enter into discussions about these isues with my family nor do i read into everything that is said and done, i simply brush it off and i still maintain an ok relationship with my parents and a much better one with my sister (it's not her fault after all!)

I think that to keeping resentment and anger inside is unhealthy. It either needs to be expelled by telling your parents exactly how you feel (whether it amkes a difference or not) and/or just focusing on your self and letting go. That is only my humble opinion but it has worked for me and i am soo much happier.

My older sister and I have always been treated differently, but as I've grown up I've started to see that differently.

I always felt my sister was the favourite. She would ALWAYS get her own way in an argument. She used to bully me mercilessly, to the point where it actually did damage to me (I figured this out a little later) but my parents never did anything, in fact sometimes my mum would join in some of the gentler teasing. She alwys got first choice of everything, because she was older. We lived in 3 different houses over the years and she always got the bigger room, even when she moved out, her double oom was hers nad I had to stay in my smaller single room.

Any my parents were always bailing my sister out financially. She'd happily go with her hands out, whereas I would never asked. I had summer jobs through school and uni to earn extra money, my sister would never dream of that.

But as I've got older, I've seen why this is the case. My sister is very highly strung and is prone to throwing tantrums. She suffered with some mental health problems as an older teenager. I did too, but I generally kept them to myself. I came to realise that my parents were always trying not to rock the boat. They didn't realise how much it bothered me. My sister was always flying off the deepend, and would always take it out on my mum when things went wrong, whereas I was quietly getting on with things, getting good school grades etc.

We are still very different. We both had a good start in life, went to private school etc. My sister never liked studying and only got average grades despite being capable of more. She had no intention of going to uni, in fact she never wanted to work, she always intended to be a kept woman. She worked for a few years, but when she met her husband she stopped, and is now quite happy to bring up her kids and spend her husbands money. I got top grades, went to uni, worked in my spare time, have never been out of work, tried a few things till I found my perfect job, and now work really hard to be good at it.

My sister moved to Spain with her husband and lived the life of luxury, until recently when they came back due to financial difficulty. Both my neices attend private school, which I suspect my dad pays for. I would love kids, but we have put it off for a while until we're in a better position to afford them. My sister and BIL live with my mum rent free, my OH and I work hard t pay our mortgage.

But I'm not hurt by any of this anymore. I learnt through various conversations with my mum and dad (seperately) that they are well aware of how they have been manipulated by my sister. I always felt ignored my mum and dad, bur I see now that they were tearing their hair out over her. Both have told me how much respect they have for me, and how they both saw me as the more mature and capable one, even though I am six years younger.

I know my parents will do anything for me. I would never ask for them to pay my way, but at one point just after uni when I was in dire straights, my dad helped me out money-wise, I tried to refuse it as I was too proud but he insisted, and made the point that he was aware he'd helped sister out way more.

My parents adore both of us, but we are ver different people. They made mistakes in the past, but bringing up my sister was never easy on them. My sister and I are not close, but we get on ok (helps that we live at opposite ends of the country!). Even now we can have massive arguments because she'll throw a tantrum over something minor, and she will still call my dad to try and get him onside. I just walk away at that point, I don't want them to have to get in the middle. I have a good relatonship with both parents, I know that they love and respect me. All the hurt fom when I was a kifd, I've just done my best to move past.

Sorry, just realised this is a really long rambling mess!