Ill Parent Can't Attend Wedding - Advice?

Yes.

Here is a previous post of mine:

We were in a similar position. We found out that MIL was extremely ill about two months before the wedding. It's a dreadful situation to go through, with some horrible, gut-wrenching decisions to be made, and you have my sympathy.

When we learned of her diagnosis, we didn't mention the wedding ONCE for about a fortnight. With so little time to go, and having spoken of nothing else for the preceding year (well, me, at least!), this was a radical change and a very obvious one. We didn't talk about not talking about it, we just didn't. MIL was to have an operation, scheduled for a few weeks before, and I knew that would be the time to make decisions.

Operation time came and went, and she made improvements. We finally discussed what we were to do and were completely honest. Neither of us wanted to postpone. That sounds selfish, but there it is. It was our wedding day, our marriage didn't need our family to be there to make it right or proper, it was about us. If she was to make it there with us, we'd be over the moon. But if she wasn't well enough, we would still want to get married, and understand that maybe the celebration of our marriage would be sadder for her absence.

Boy's family were all in full support (obviously, we didn't discuss this with MIL, everything was geared to geeing her up for it). FIL was adamant we continue, as was SIL/BIL. My family declined any opinion, except to say that they would support our decision.

MIL didn't make it to our wedding in the end (although her health has been "stable" since, albeit with severe treatment and restrictions). Distance restrictions meant we didn't even consider visiting on the morning or during the day (and she was in hospital, which would have been all the more complicated). We had a few wobbles, but a phone call from FIL after the ceremony, to remind us to forget about it for at least the rest of the day, made us determined to have a good time. There were some tears and lots of toasts to her. And our final song - Champagne Supernova - saw Boy and SIL just hugging (and crying) on the dance floor. Fortunately, in our small wedding, everyone understood the situation. Otherwise they'd have looked, well, mental (or utterly hammered.... which they were).

I would postpone. If, like, Footlong, there is a chance of the person making it, then yes, to keep the date and have them look forward to it makes sense. However, in your case, there is no chance. What is the prognosis? If good, and doctors are confident that in, say, 6-12 months he will be fit enough to attend a wedding, then postponing isn't the end of the world. You can speak to suppliers and explain, and see if given the circumstances, they will let you move everything to mid Autumn or next summer and keep current prices. Then you are only left with ill fitting BM dresses, which seems a petty reason to have OH's Dad miss the wedding. Especially since your OH seems so upset at the prospect that he is suggesting postponing.

I know it's disappointing. I had to postpone my own wedding by 5 months due to my work. Like you, everything was booked, and we did have to pay more since we moved from a March to an August wedding and flights cost more. We also, naturally, had to move the UK reception but most suppliers honoured their prices. It was a hassle, but not the end of the world.

Is that to me? Or OP? ?

If it was my Dad or my FIL it would be a no brainer, the wedding would be postponed, I would be sad the whole day otherwise so what would be the point, and then I would just feel guilty forever and a day afterwards. I feel for you I really do, but I agree with BFBB, all your suppliers will understand, and if it's just the birdesmaid dresses then does it even matter in the grand scheme of things.

I should have added, we had to postpone our wedding for a whole year due to H being made redundant, it was awful at the time but it was the right decision in the end once we got our heads around it.

I would add to my previous C&P that we had very little notice for a potential postponement (in fact, one of our guests was already on a trip across the world, specifically for it) and, more importantly, we had no encouragement that there would be a future date that MIL would be able to attend our wedding, if we postponed. Perhaps if you FIL's prognosis is more optimistic, you might consider it (as we would have done so).

We do have wedding insurance, but we did take note that it said in the small print that it wouldn't cover cancellation due to a condition a member of the bridal party has which was known before buying the insurance.

I have just spoken to OH on the phone and he said not to postpone, and that his dad doesn't want us to. There is a chance he will be sent from hospital before the wedding if he's making a good recovery, and if we were to postpone it would have to be until next year and it wouldn't automatically mean he would be able to go then. The transplant has a 50% chance of success, and he has two different types of cancer so I am doubtful that postponing would result in him definitely being able to attend.

So I think we will just leave the wedding as it is, I think the suppliers might have struggled to be understanding with 3 months to go, and I am doubtful they would be able to fill the date with such notice, can't imagine people will leave organising a wedding in August until now. And we have already sent out our invites. If we found this out a couple of months ago I would have been more likely to consider postponing.

Don't hate!

Putting my doctor shoes on for a minute and saying that, even if you postpone, there is still a very real chance that it would be unwise at best for your father-in-law to attend after a bone marrow transplant. It's not my speciality, but, the immunosuppressants taken after a bone marrow transplant mean being around big groups of people is highly inadvisable for a significant period of time, even after being released from hospital. I have a patient who underwent one last year (and is doing wonderfully well) and we're still being extremely cautious with them, down to not having them sit in the surgery waiting room to avoid unnecessary infection exposure.

People are disgusting; especially children. The touching and kissing that goes on at weddings, combined with immunosuppressant treatment has me cringing; catching a minor cold could kill someone on those drugs.

So. What I'd do is this: I'd move my actual wedding up. I'd have a tiny registry office do with just the parents there so your father-in-law can see you get married. On the big day, I'd have a service and shindig and all the frills minus the signing of the register. I wouldn't lie about it, as everyone would understand why. I'd send photos as often as I could through the day to include him, and I'd see if he could skype during parts of it. But if it matters to your other half that his dad is there, I'd make sure he was in a way that was safe for everyone involved.

I hadn't really looked into it before as he talks about it all so casually, he said he would come if he was out of hospital, but I'm guessing he doesn't really mean it. I have read today that it can take up to two years for the immune system to recover and the to regain strength and energy. That is partly what I mean by there being no guarantee that he could come if we change the date.

The registry office does sound a good idea, however, we only found out about this, this morning, and he is going to hospital in London in only 3 weeks time to have radiation treatment which the transplant will then follow, and if he does come home in between he wouldn't be able to have much contact with people. We are getting married in a church so I don't know if they would do the service minus the register if we had just married in a registry office?

He has just asked us out for a meal this weekend, I assume to discuss this.

Thanks for the advice

I'm a lapsed Catholic who last set foot in a church willingly at the age of 11, but given the circumstances, I suspect most priests would be fine with conducting a religious wedding following a civil one. It's not an uncommon situation in a lot of countries and there'd be no doctrinal reason for them to refuse.

Chat to your priest/vicar about it too. I hope you can come to a conclusion that suits everyone, and I forgot to say in my last post, I'm sorry that your father-in-law is so ill, and hope the transplant goes well and his recovery is smooth and uncomplicated.

Without being in your situation I can't honestly say what I'd do. My gut reaction is that I'd carry on with the actual getting married bit and postpone the party bit. Like Footlong I'd want to be married whatever happened, but all the fluff around it can wait.

I have had the situation a few times over the years, and although I cannot offer advice for your situation, I can tell you about a skyped wedding. The bride was from Chilli and some family could not make it. The laptop can be seen on the left on the shelf directly facing the bride and groom during the vows and in fact was the best seat in the house as the bride and groom mostly have their backs to the rest of the guests, the laptop was also set up for the reception and the speeches, and in the second picture you can see that back in chilli they have decorated the room and also have the champagne out. Not sure how it would all fit in with you, but just to let you know it has been done and it worked well. Something else I have seen is that the Bride and Groom take time out sometime during the day to go and visit whoever in the hospital or wherever else the person is so that they do see you in your dress etc.

I just wanted to say, if anyone was interested...

That we did go ahead with the wedding in August and had a good day. Although some of the family were sad it was nice to be able to send photos and text him as they did throughout the day. My OH was also able to phone him in the morning as he got ready as his dad wanted to have a 'chat' he had planned.

During the speeches were able to skype him which was lovely and he had given a speech to be read out. There was not a dry eye in the house!

It was sad that he wasn't there but he went downhill suddenly last week and passed away. I am now glad we were able to share our day with him although he couldn't be there, he was there in so many ways through his speech, skype and phonecalls. we were also able to show him all the wedding photos afterwards.

I feel like we were privileged as my OH's brother is getting married in 6 months time which will be so much more emotional, and they won't be able to speak to him and he wont have written a speech for them as he and we all thought he would get better and come home.

Rp - sorry to hear about your father-in-law. It was so lovely of you to manage to share your day with him, and I bet he was soooo pleased to be a part of it. How lovely to still have that father-son "chat" (whatever that might entail....).

How lovely of you to post, I am sorry to hear of your loss but it sounds like you made the perfect decision sticking with your date as he was there (via skype)

Congratulations and I hope you had an amazing day under the sad situation xxxx

I'm sorry for your loss :-(

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your H.

I'm glad though that you were able to share your day with him, it's times like these that we should be thankful for technology.

I'm so sorry for your loss but thank you for coming back to the thread and updating.

I'm going through a similar situation with my mum at the moment and it was so helpful to hear everyone's thoughts on this.

xx

I'm so very sorry rp ☹️ x

Rp I'm so sorry about your loss. It is really good that he was involved with your day, I bet he was made up to be able to participate in his own way.

I'm sorry for your loss but it sounds like you made the right decision.

As others have said; I'm very sorry for your loss

It was good you could involve him in the day in the end x