I'm not my bridesmaid's bridesmaid... feeling a bit glum, anyone else had this?

What a sad situation, and I absolutely think you are right to feel hurt. It sadly seems you value your friendship with her more than she does, and she is being persuaded by others opinions. Please do not take this personally, you have done nothing wrong other than being an amazing friend and human for being so graceful, which for me are the exact qualities I look for in a friend and BM. Have you tried to talk to her about how you feel? Maybe approach it in a way that you are not trying to get her to change her mind, but more to get it off your chest and let her see how it has affected you, as she probably doesn't even realise the upset it has caused. She may see the light and change her mind, but make it clear that is not your intention, but you feel as her friend she needs to know how you feel. It is always hard with pressure from family to include people, but for me my girls are more important than that or the look of the day and I really struggle to understand people who are supposed to be your close friend just brushing you aside like that. I really hope you can see this is not on you and try to move on from this but I do think you need to speak to her to try and get some closure on the way you are feeling . X

My best friend had always said that she would have me and her other 3 close friends as bridesmaids. When she got married, her parents (who were paying for half the wedding) said she could only have three bridesmaids and one of them had to be one of her fiance's relatives. If she didn't comply, they would pull the funding so there wouldn't be a wedding.

She was devastated to have to drop two of us. And she picked the two who would 'mind least'. Not because we were being punished for being nice, but because she was trying to limit the amount of pain caused. I was sad not to be one of her bridesmaids on the day, but I actually felt touched that I was one of the two she trusted most to be able to deal with being left out.

I know it's really hard when you're dealing with disappointment, but if I were you, I would try to look at it from your friend's point of view. She is getting pressure from her family and from her fiance to have people in her wedding party she doesn't want. If the parents are paying, they may have threatened to withdraw their financial support if she doesn't invite family members as bridesmaids.

I'd also be concerned that her fiance has insisted on her having his sister as bridesmaid even though she really doesn't want her. He sounds quite controlling and manipulative and seems way more concerned with keeping his sister happy than with his bride's feelings. Try not to be too hard on your friend - it sounds as if she already has more than she can cope with dealing with the groom, and the last thing she needs is a good friend getting upset with her.

Aww Charlotte - what a kind reply, thank you

It honestly hadn't crossed my mind to discuss it with her, as I hadn't wanted to do anything to add to the bride-stress, but maybe you're right...

Her family has always put a lot of pressure on her, which is very different to my own who have always been very supportive of me and tried to lessen any obligations, so I've tried to be sympathetic to her situation. At the same time though, I know if my family or FH had told me she couldn't be in my wedding party for whatever reason I would have fought for her place so that's where it stings. She did seem genuinely disappointed that I wouldn't be one of her bridesmaids, but she did say she felt it wasn't worth an argument for what is just wearing a specific dress and walking down an aisle - so I guess that's more meaningful to me than it is to her as well

View quoted message Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me - it’s really interesting to hear this perspective.

As far as I know, my friend not having her FH sister as a bridesmaid would have caused insult to his family so that’s why he refused to back down on it! It’s something that I feared myself, but was fortunate that my FH wanted me to have the people I wanted and stood by me.

I’ve definitely not said anything to her to even hint that I’m upset - as I said in my post, I want her to enjoy her day. I’m just really sad about it as I don’t think she gets how meaningful it would have been to me and how hurt I am - completely get the need for family members of she’s getting pressure, just don’t get aesthetics being more important than friendship or why it would have been so impossible for her FH to add another groomsman

I'm sorry you're in this situation and can totally understand where you are coming from. I haven't been in this situation myself butI agree with what Charlotte said.


I think its important that you get this off your chest but in the nicest way possible, not to cause extra stress to her or anything but you will probably feel better after airing things out. You don't want any resentment or sadness towards her whilst having her as your bridesmaid and with her joining in with planning etc. I know it will be hard but try not to let it get you down and try to look forward to your own day 😊

I'm sorry you feel hurt. Honestly though, if she is genuine about saying you were there person least likely to kick off, I would take that as a true compliment and a testament to your friendship, particularly as she is having people she doesn't really want. If you twist this around, the message could actually be that she values you as a friend more because you both know there is more to your relationship than being a bridesmaid.

Your poor friend! She's marrying a guy who is more worried about appeasing his family than pleasing her and who is happy to argue her into submission as long as he gets what he wants. I feel really sorry for her. I just hope she's not going to end up regretting her choice of partner

View quoted message He is a lovely guy, but it does make me feel particularly lucky that in contrast my FH has (frustratedly but willingly 😂) put his foot down with his family to make sure I’m happy.

View quoted message Thank you ☺️
I hadn’t previously thought to bring it up with her, as I feel like it’ll just make her feel bad and in all likelihood not change the situation - I’m not sure what I’d hope she’d say if I did bring it up 😕

This is such a sad and tricky situation.
I was bridesmaid for a couple of my friends but they weren't mine. Neither me or hub have sisters so family wasn't in the equation.
My reasoning was I wanted a small wedding party and having some from one group but not others would have caused more issues. I had three bridesmaids and explained to the others that I love them and want them at my wedding but I can't have 15 bridesmaids or I'd have no guests! In the worst scenario that you still aren't a bridesmaid just think of your friendship with your friend. Is it worth ill feeling over? You will be at her wedding and will get to celebrate her most special day but with the freedom of being able to get ready and your own pace, be a guest and get to take in the full day maybe ask if you could be the guest of honour or something and still have input to her hen party and key ideas etc. Tell her how you understand her situation but that the reasoning stung. She needs to know your feelings. In 10 years time when you both look back at your weddings you will be happy with who you had as your bridesmaids and she will look back and remember the stress the bridal party caused and how glad she was to have her best friends there as guests for her to escape to? Best of luck with everything xx

I do sympathise though, I wasn't bridesmaid at one friend's wedding when I thought I may have been however I was just as happy to be a guest and it meant I could spend the day with my partner.


It's hard but try see the positives of being both a bridesmaid and the positives of being a guest and what they mean to you and what it means to the bride you're there.
If the situation is one where the reasoning and joys of being a guest aren't on par with being a bridesmaid and you feel so let down and that it's unjustified then is she the right friend? Would you fight for her against family if it meant added stress? If yes and she isn't then maybe reflect on what you value her for etc.

Sorry for the third response, but also see how much time she spends as a bride with you as a guest. My friends who weren't bridesmaids I had a dance with specifically, photos with them individually and selfies throughout the night. The dress the wore didn't determine how much time I spent with them.
If she doesn't make time for you, then you know what sort of friend she truly is in my opinion.

But the gals who were my bridesmaids were the right choice for me as they had my back through everything in life whereas the others were more social friends.