Incorporating British Traditions into an International Wedding

I am from Boston, MA, lived in London/Bath for almost a decade and got married in Canberra, Australia. It was important to me that we had all three countries represented.

You could have a lolly cart with UK candy (mini Cadbury chocolates, Roses, etc.) or serve British beers at the reception. You can also have mince pies for dessert or British cars (Bentley, Rolls Royce) as bridal cars. We were married in an Anglican church ("small English church") that has strong family ties and a vintage Bentley was a bridal car. I would also ask your husband and his family what they would like to see reflected.

I think it would be best to ask your OH family what they like as it can depend on what part of the country they are from on what they like, for example if they are from up north you could have some sort of Yorkshire puddings or pies and if from Cornwall/ Devon could have scones with clotted cream and jam. You could always have something national like posh fish and chips or a roast dinner and tea.

You could also incorporate British flowers such as the national flower which is the Rose (dating back to the war of the roses - i'm a little bit of a history geek!) or fox gloves but unless they can be grown in america (i'm not sure) it could be very expensive to import them for the day. Also in connection to what Ash 953 said, my advise is be careful having anything that is seasonal unless that is the time you are getting married. Mince pies are every where in winter with mulled wine but if you are not getting married in the winter months mince pies are not the most common thing in the supermarkets in August for example! let alone adding on the delivery to the US.

A sort of afternoon tea party theme/ vintage with bunting and gingham fabrics in pastel colours is always considered quite British and if your OH is from london you could have lots of red for the double decker buses, union jacks, beefeaters and underground tube maps!

I would ask your future MIL as she should be able to give you some inspiration, but hope the above is a few ideas to help get the ball rolling ( even if it is to help you decide what you don't want! haha).

Store bought mince pies?! *faints* ?

Defintely check out what him and his family like, personally I can't stand tea or mince pies or roast dinners or fish and chips!

Haha touche, yes store bought is never as nice as home made but unless you are to make them yourself ( i can think of other things i would be doing in the lead up to my wedding) or know someone who will do it for you then you are a bit stuck, not many independent bakers ( that do things other than cakes) around to make a batch big enough for the number of people attending a wedding!

I am also a foreigner but I wanted to avoid the typical British "stiffness", sorry I have been to British weddings and they were all lovely but for me there is too much "should be this way" stuff, women wearing hats, and the standards for bridesmaids, and MOB/MOG dresses... loads of money God only knows why, that's my opinion, I'm not objective There is a lot I do love about British wedding traditions but I thought if I try to pick a few I will create a kitsch

As a modern independent woman I will never ever accept the Anglo-Saxon tradition where a bride is walked down the aisle by her father and given to the groom like a sheep or a cow. No way. Of course I am aware that I look at it in totally different way than you (or my h2b) do, but I just don't like it (and I do wonder how British/American women see this).

So our wedding will be neither British nor Eastern European. We are trying to incorporate a Jewish/Israeli tradition where there is lots of fun and no rules apart from lets be happy and get married, eat, drink, sing, dance.

I don't know if it will work. At the moment all our friends are saying they love our ideas but they might change their minds or there will be pressure put by families.

I would definitely welcome any comments on this and tips, my h2b is this typical man who prefers not to have to make decision about the wedding (which is great, we don't quarrel, he just says 'ok') so he will not suggest any ideas that might be worth considering.

Kamila - i just wanted to point something out that it is not only an Anglo-Saxon tradition for the bride to be escorted down the isle by her father it is a religious custom. It is actually a Christian tradition of the father presenting the bride to her husband so it is done in many countries around the world not just in Britain. You may see it as being herded like a cow or sheep (which to me is an odd way of looking at it and IMO doing yourself a disservice by comparing yourself to a cow or a sheep!) I see it as a way of leaving the family home (whether you still live there or not) and starting your own family with your husband. In theory, in times of need you would once have turned to your parents for support and now you turn to your husband. you go from having your fathers name to your husbands name (if you are taking your marriage name) and you go from your parents being your next of kin to your husband being your next of kin so if you look at it objectively (not from a feminist point of view) and if you get on with you father i don't see why you wouldn't want him to walk you down the isle if that is part of your culture, heritage and religion. but i am assuming from you post that it is none of those things.

You say you want a Jewish/ Israeli wedding then i am sure there is many traditions as part of the religion and culture.

Well said cece I was trying too think of a way too say that without sounding like a cow, thank you ?

Wow Kamila you're a charmer arent you?

I have dual nationality and grew up abroad so I can see some of the British traditions from a different perspective. They may be a bit more traditional than European weddings or weddings from other countries, but some of the traditions are lovely. I've never been to a British wedding where people were not eating, dancing, drinking or singing.

We had three countries represented at our wedding and your comment about British traditions is very judgmental. I'm not sure coming on a UK wedding forum and saying that the traditions are 'kitsch' is a particularly sensitive thing to do. IT's all personal taste really isn't it!? If you don't like it don't have it. Just leave other people to have the day they want! no need to be personal about it is there?

Your words on being walked down the aisle are also not particularly well chosen.

For a very enlightened modern woman I'm surprised to read you are marrying a 'typical man'. There is no such thing as a 'typical man'. That's a stereotype i would not expect a 'modern independent' woman to make...

I for one loved my mum walking me down the aisle. I wasn't being 'sold' by my family. it was a lovely moment for me to honour my mum and begin the journey as a family with my husband.

My advice to you - wind your neck in....

You can bring it in with the theme as mentioned or with centre pieces - old teacups for instance. Depends how much you want to incorporate - you could give matchbox mini's as a favour or have a Victoria sponge as your cake.

Kamilla - clearly you haven't been to a methodist wedding before in which both the bride and groom can be presented by anyone, I don't think following cultural or religious customs makes anyone not independent, modern or anti feminist. Everyone's wedding is different and what people want are different.

Pimms is a great idea, can I suggest strawberries and cream too, very Wimbledone, very British. I also like the idea of an afternoon tea. What's not to love about little sandwiches and lots of cake. You say other half is British, so not sure if English, Scottish or other, but if Scottish you could always go for kilts and Highland Fling in the evening.

PS Trying to ignore previous comment but can't. I am nobodies property but my Step-Dad will be walking me down the aisle, I think it's a lovely tradition which honours your parents and they role they have played in your life.

Oh dear, someone's not very good at making friends.

Just a suggestion & it may not be possible however wedding venues seems to be a bit more flexible in the US from my limited knowledge - could you model your day around a UK wedding structure or would that be too odd for your american guests?

Thanks everyone for your replies! Some strong opinions in this thread My fiance is from Hampshire and I'm currently living in the US so I won't have too many chances to ask his family for help with planning. He's also in the RAF and and I'm not always able to reach him, so that's why I'm trying to brainstorm. He's currently away for work and told me he wants to see a Pinterest board full of ideas when he gets back.

I can understand some of what Kamila is saying in regards to the UK valuing tradition. One of the reasons we are having our wedding in the US is we feel it is the best option for incorporating both of our cultures. I've done some research and read some transatlantic wedding blogs, and there are many stories of venues refusing to allow things that weren't traditionally British. His brother also got married in the UK last year, and while it was very beautiful there was no personalization at all. Although I don't know if that was a choice on their part, or a restriction imposed by the venue. We feel that if we have it in the US we have a better chance of it being 50% American, 50% British, but if we had it in the UK it will be almost 100% British.

We are also experiencing restrictions in the US though. Because we don't have evening guests and weddings start later in the day, my OH is unhappy that most venues only give you the space for 5-6 hours, including cocktail hour, dinner and dancing.We are concerned that people will travel from the UK and be disappointed that the day is so short. One of the options we are considering is renting a private home for the weekend so that we will be able to decide our own schedule and have a place for his family to stay. We would also like to be able to choose our own caterer, design a menu, and customize our drinks offerings (Pimms!). I think what is happening now is he has always imagined his wedding as being one way, without much say in the matter. Now that he knows we can get married indoors, outdoors, and customize it as much as we want, he is going a little crazy. I've been calling him my groomzilla. He's created a Pinterest board and has so many things he'd like to do that I'm going to have to start narrowing it down. I love the tea party idea and the strawberries and cream. I think it would be great to serve some small cakes and tea and coffee along with the wedding cake. And the bunting would be fun too. I think we want to do a vintage/travel theme as a lot of our relationship has been going on adventures together (He flew across the ocean to chase me down after only meeting me once, but that is another story).

One thing I'm curious about is the signing of the marriage license. The UK ceremony I saw was a civil one and the signing of the registry was a focal point of the wedding. We don't do this in the US. We just have vows. You have to have the paperwork completed before the wedding otherwise you will not be allowed to get married. Is this a big part of all weddings in the UK or just civil ceremonies? Will it be missed? And if you ladies were invited to a wedding in the States would you consider it as a vacation and go? He is worried his friends won't come, but they all take expensive holidays each year aso I'm hoping they will just combine the wedding with a vacation. Especially if we get married in the western part of Massachusetts, closer to NYC.

To comment on the walking down the aisle thing, I am considering walking alone too. The tradition comes from a women transferring from being property of her father to property of her husband. That is why he is able to "give her away". You can't give something away unless it's your property. It's not really something I'm comfortable with, and I like the idea of walking down the aisle alone, choosing to commit to my husband, rather than being given away. But that is a personal choice and I think if you have a close relationship with your parents it could be a sweet moment. And we are also going to do a first look before the ceremony and a sweetheart table at the reception so we can have our own private moments throughout the day. So I'm not exactly one for tradition

ASH953: I'm from Boston too! I met my OH when I was working in London.

Re: signing of the register: the marriage isn't legal until you sign your marriage certificate so it is a big part of the ceremony

Yes, I would treat a wedding a holiday but I have a decent job & no dependents plus I always like an excuse to travel but it really depends on the individual.

As your OH works in the RAF could you do a british wartime type theme?

I think it depends on how much annual leave I had that year to if I would use it to attend a wedding and also how much notice I had been given.

I think it's something that you guys may have to accept with some of your OH friends.

In terms of venues I can't really comment on other places we are having a completely DIY wedding venue chose our own caterers and food, having homemade blackcurrent gin out of teapots and have a bring your own booze. I think it depends what you are after - the stately homes tend to be a restrictive.

Some of the restrictions are a legal basis - so in England and Wales it has to be a registered licenced venue to hold a wedding however Scotland is different again - a wedding can be held anywhere.

Thanks for the clarification, Chucklevision. In my state you go to the town office a few days prior to the wedding, fill out the paperwork, pay a fee and receive your marriage license. You then have 60 days to get married. After the ceremony is performed the officiant will sign the license and return the paperwork to the town hall to be filed. But all of our signing will have been done well in advance.

I've never thought of a British wartime theme. What would something like that be like?

We're hoping since I live a short drive from Boston, NYC, Cape Cod and the beaches, the famous fall foliage and skiing in Vermont and New Hampshire, and many other East Coast cities that people will be excited to travel and make a week of it, with our wedding just taking up a weekend. The UK has far more vacation time than we do in the US (I have two weeks per year which is considered very generous) so it's much easier for the Brits to travel than the Americans.

Do you have some examples?

I found that many venues were restrictive for weddings. For example, we looked at one venue where my husband's family had held other events (e.g. 50th wedding anniversary, birthdays, etc.). They were accommodating for those events, but when we mentioned wedding, they were very strict. We were lucky that his family church was relaxed and we found a reception venue that was amazing. They let us bring in Margaret River wines, Samuel Adams beer, Boston cream pie wedding cake, etc. (However, to be fair, the manager lived in NYC for awhile so knew he couldn't serve Sierra Nevada as a decent beer to a bunch of Americans). Nothing was too much for them. Many times, it's about finding the right venue.

Hey girls

Firs of all I did not mean that any British traditions are kitsch, I wrote that if I TRIED to mix them that would be a kitsch. I don't trust my planning skills and don't want to destroy anything that is beautiful. I think I wrote about it, didn't I? Maybe it was lost in translation.

Second thing: actually, the "being a sheep or a cow" are not my words. I took it from my friend. British. English. Maybe I spend a lot of time with feminists whose opinions are not mainstream. Does it mean I see every bride who is given away as an animal? Come on!

Third: I am a Christian and didn't know this Give Away custom for many years (actually I learnt about them from American movies). Religion and culture always mix this way or another all over the world.

Last but not least: I tried to make sure I express my personal opinion and ask for your opinion on the subject, to expand my horizons. Thank you everybody who posted interesting facts. If I hurt anybody I do apologise.

I read one blog where the American bride wanted to do a buffet table of English desserts to treat the American guests but the venue staff didn't want the desserts sitting out and getting cold (and I guess risking a bad food review?) so they wouldn't permit it. They also rented a Routemaster bus to take the wedding party to the venue. They wanted to take a group photo of the bus in front of the venue but the staff felt it was too "undignified". I guess I can understand protecting your reputation by making sure all the food is up to your usual standard, but I find the bus thing a little ridiculous. It's not like it's asking for someone to go out of their way to accomodate you. The venue just didn't want their building in the background of a photo that they felt wasn't classy enough. They would be horrified that my OH wants to hire a food truck to bring some late night food to our guests!?

Maybe. I am a strident feminist with an MA in Womens Studies. I didn't want to be 'given away' because I also felt it carried the implication of property, so I asked our minister to remove that part from the ceremony, which he was very happy to do. I was also adamant that my H didn't ask my dad for permission, for the same reasons.

But I still had my dad walk me into the ceremony, and I would never go so far as to use the "like a sheep or cow" analogy. These are old traditions, whether religious, cultural or a mixture, and a lot of people still want to uphold them. In many ways I am a big fan of tradition, so I understand that.

I'm sure you'll get equally stupid venues in America. Have you seen the Four Weddings program? the American version was pretty extreme and they talk about all sorts of 'rules' and 'etiquette' British weddings don't have.

It sounds like the blogger chose a very posh venue so they had some uppity staff. The important thing is to chose a venue that suits with the style of wedding you want to have. Whether that's in the UK or outside the Uk... My wedding was in the UK and we had no problems personalising it and making it our own. A lot of the brides on this forum are organising 'unusual' weddings so it is possible.

I don't think your guests will miss the legal bit of the ceremony. They probably won't notice.

I hope they can see the potential for a nice holiday. it might be a question of cost rather than them not wanting to come. Sadly there's not much you can do about it. It may be nice to organise a little get together before/or after the wedding just for those who have come from far. It's difficult to talk to everyone on the day so that will give them an opportunity to really chat with you and your OH.

Kamila - repeating people's unkind words doesn't make you a feminist. Your opinion is not unusual and many people share it. In my circle of friends it is a pretty mainstream opinion to have. However, I have never heard anyone express it in such a rude way. It's not helpful for discussion and just makes you sound judgmental, which i am sure you don't want.

People do things for a variety of reasons. Personally I believe that Feminists have fought for women to have the freedom to chose. so if someone wants to be walked down the aisle and they dont feel that makes them someone's property. As far as i'm concerned - so be it!

We have far to go with women's rights (equal opportunities and pay are a massive issue). Walking down the aisle with or without your parent(s) is really not going to make you more or less of a feminist imo.

I wasn't going to chip in here but I feel like maybe a little translation is needed. I am not sure where exactly Kamila is from, I don't know her, but as a German I know that things can easily get lost in translation. I hope no one gets offended by my generalisation, but while of course everyone is an individual, I do think there is something to it.

Germans are much more direct than British people (who are essentially the opposite). That is why Germans are often really bad at small talk, because with other Germans they wouldn't make any small talk, they'd just get right to the topic. Most Brits would probably find this rude but Germans just find it normal, and they might find small talk a little tedious and a waste of time.

What I am trying to say is that I think a lot of you may have gotten offended by what Kamila said, because of how she worded it and that it may be a cultural misunderstanding, just because she was a little more direct than you're used to and worded it a little poorly.

While I am planning to have my dad walk me down the isle, I do not like the connotation of being "property being handed over" but I was not offended by what Kamila said. I think all she meant was that animals are considered property that can be sold and bought and women used to be treated similarly and that this tradition stems from these times.

Anyway, there are British traditions I don't like, and there are a heck of a lot more German wedding traditions I don't like. I don't think Kamila was trying to criticise all British weddings or wedding traditions as such. She could have said the same about German weddings and I wouldn't have been offended, maybe just because I don't mind people being quite direct and outspoken as Germans tend to be, while British people might gasp in shock at the rudeness of what was said.

Of course this is a British forum and we are writing in English and most members here are British, so we should try to adapt to that but it may be easier for some than others. Please try to be a little forgiving of these cultural / language barriers and misunderstandings. I don't think Kamila meant the things she said in the way they were received.

Halloweeny, traditionally we have a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. The wedding party rehearses the ceremony to make sure everything works with the music and everyone is where they are supposed to be at the right time. Rather than going to a restaurant after we will probably host a casual BBQ so we can invite everyone who has travelled, rather than just the wedding party.

Daisy Bell - I grew up in Austria so i'm direct too... the culture excuse doesn't particularly work in the circumstances ?

Kamilla is direct in giving us her opinion. I'm direct in telling her that her opinion needs to be expressed in a more appropriate manner and that i disagree with her.

As she can dish it out she can take it too.

I already have.

I understand that the main problem was created by me using the pathetic farm animal reference for which I can apologise again and again assure everybody that your reaction shocked me and I feel very upset by creating this mess. It was not my intention. It is true that "Giving away the bride is an antiquated tradition from the days when women were their father's property until they got married and became their husband's property. The bride was literally given away in exchange for a bride price or dowry". (source: google )

I hope we can still discuss things, I appreciate all the comments and follow this thread with interest.