is it rude to expect guests to pay for their meals?

Hiya laura

wish i could do this as would save a FORTUNE!!!!!!

i think in this sort of situation you just need to make sure you are making it 1000% clear that you are asking people to pay for their meals from the outset, and like you say anyone that prefers not to can meet you afterwards for the party

to be honest if someone invited me to their wedding and asked me to pay for my meal i'd be more than happy to, as would get to choose what i ate for a start :-)

i wish more weddings were this way to be honest...we would all save a fortune!!!! my wedding isn't until may 2011 but i am already having heart palpitations about buying 90 people a 3 course meal...!

:-)

em xxxx

Hi Laura, Welcome to Hitched.

My daughter got married a few years ago and anyone that attended who wanted to eat had to pay for themselves, I didnt hear any grumbles about it and about 30 people ate. I think as long as you are clear on whats what your guest will be o.k

I think you have to be 100% clear before hand to stop any misunderstandings and upset.

If you can't afford a sit down meal what about a buffet?

Hi Laura

Have you thought about asking if the hall could put on a barbeque or if you're hiring a village hall could you place a hot & cold buffet/barbeque on rather than going to a restaurant - /Iceland/Farm Foods much cheaper than supermarkets and save a packet whilst feeding your wedding guests without the hotel prices! It is an alternative way at looking at it rather than going to a restaurant. It would also mean that you, hubby and guests get to relax after the wedding. See if some friends would chip in with preparation and cooking you'll be amazed who will lend a hand! Family and friends are full of surprises when its your big day. ?

Guests may feel a little put out that they have to pay for their own meal which is their choice then whether to attend to ensure that this is pointed out to them so there is no upset. It is usual for the wedding party/hosts to pay for food although I'm sure that your idea is not unheard of. We ended up paying £100 per couple!

Check out deals at Iceland, Costco etc and see if you can make a budget just purely for the food costs as it may just surprise you that this is the cheaper alternative to a restaurant - you never know family may chip in towards buying it!

T xx

Or have a pot luck supper where everyone brings a dish... that way people are paying for it but it somehow isn't so obvious!

I wouldnt think it was rude, as long you made it clear from the beginning.

But... there will undoubtedly be some people who will make a comment, just like some people will make a comment on my meal or my dress... you can't please everyone. Do what is best for you, and if others dont like it thats tough for them. The people who really matter certainly shouldn't mind paying for their own meals.

I wouldnt worry about this at all i was maid of honour at my friends wedding last year and she said in the invites that rather than gifts she wanted people to pay for the meal and to send her a check to pay for it, i dont think anyone was really offended by this and most people brought gifts as well

I'm afraid I feel a bit differently to the other posters.

Personally I'd be a bit miffed if I had to pay for my meal, after I'd already forked out for travel expenses, outfits, hotel, gift etc. You have specifically invited your guests to celebrate your day with you...what are you going to do if they turn around and say we'll come to the ceremony, but we can't afford the meal.

If your budget was really that small, I'd be looking at alternatives like a cold fork buffet, or bbq. And I would only have one set of guests that stayed all day so I wouldn't have to be feeding the evening guests too.

If i was invited to a wedding where i had already forked out a presant, outfit, travel and all the other costs assosiated with attending a wedding i would be horrified if i was asked to pay for my meal.

I dont think its the done thing and i think if you cant afford a sit down meal then dont have one.

Have a buffet instead or alternativly just have a party and no food - thats got to be better than asking someone to pay for their meal!

As long as you were very, very, clear from the beginning I would not think you were rude.

I do think that a "family buffet" might be the safer option here though, it is what my parents did when they got wed in 1990, they had a small registry office wedding and then all the 30 guests came back to the local village hall and all the ladies of the family brought a dish with them - it worked really well and I was only a weenie at the time but I have some very fond memories of the wedding reception

Good luck whatever you decide to do

X

Opinions vary wildly about what people expect - I've already had people whine about the fact we're not having a free bar all night....

That being said, I would be a bit put out if people asked me to pay for the dinner - as others have said there are a lot of costs involved in getting to a wedding - I suppose it's how close you feel to your guests, and whether you feel you can ask them.

I think a cold buffet might be the best option here - or a late wedding (about 4pm) and then just a buffet supper, or a fish and chip van? If you're only having a small wedding that might be best - and you could then ask for money rather than gifts, and hopefully you'll recoup some of the cost?

What a cheek! Id uninvite to moaners!

Haha! Thanks sg - when I saw you'd replied I thought you might have said "well of course you should have a free bar!" I just don't know how people do it...

I wouldn't be happy if i had to pay for new outfits, travel, hotel, gifts and then had to pay for own meal. I would much rather have a cheap iceland style buffet in a village hall than pay for my own meal at someone elses wedding. IMO it's rude, if you can't afford it, don't have it.

I have never expected a free bar at a wedding. If people want to drink they should pay for themselves, otherwise they'll just get paralytic. You go to a wedding to wish the bride and groom well in their future life, not to get them in debt with a massive bar bill!

I really cant afford a £3000-£6000 wedding breakfast either, instead were getting married at 3.30pm and im doing a MASSIVE cold buffet, whole joints of gammon, beef & chicken, baguettes, rolls, cheese boards, fillings etc for the first lot of guests at about 5pm (70-75) then picky stuff like, sausage rolls, iceland type finger foods etc later at about 8pm for everyone (110poeple) and a drink each from the bar, were doing enough for everyone to have at leasts 3 plate fulls during the night and with drinks we are looking at £800

i think this wil prob be your best bet, we looked in to a pay at your expence meal as we were originally getting married at 1.15pm but although it sounds like a good idea i really dont think it can really work out, especially if like me you have people traveling for 3-4 or more hrs, its really unfair to ask them to pay for dinner too

just my op though, hope this helps!

Nothing new to add to what others have said but

I'm afraid I agree with others saying I would find it a bit rude to have to pay for my own meal. Weddings are expensive both for guests who have to pay for gifts, travel, outift etc and bride and grooms but I think people have given some good ideas about catering just once in the night with a buffet and finger food.

x

Well done Naomi, sounds like you've done really well to make it work - a friend had cheese boards and pates and stuff and it was LURVELY.

Oh, and thanks JJ for your take on the free bar - I'd started to feel like we were being stingy - now I might just print out your and shoegal's answers and post 'em on the OOS!

Im with the majority on this one im afraid, im think its a little rude to ask your guests to pay, you want a three course meal therefore i think you should pay. And if you cant afford that then have something else. I think the buffet option is a really good idea.

Free bar - pah thats a cheek!

thank you!?

although i forgot to say the reason its so cheap is because myself, my mum and 2 aunts are doing it ourselves, cheap labour!?

I too agree with those who say it is rude. If you want a traditional wedding breakfast so much then you should find the money to pay for it. If you can't afford it then have a look at barbecue, buffet, hog roast options instead.

Thank you for your opinions ladies, The only people going to our ceremony are close family and close friends who all live locally, and we have told them not to worry about presents. There are only around 40 people invited in total

I was originally doing a sit down finger buffet like those suggested, and to be honest probably will still do, I dont think anyone would have a problem with paying but I wouldnt want people to feel they had to.

Although the idea of a BBQ sound good, we are hopefully booking our local cricket club for the reception so would be lovely if they would allow for us to have a BBQ too...I must ask

I'm not sure about this TBH. My initial reaction was to say 'you can't expect them to pay for their food' but then i think back to birthday meals/gatherings i have attended and remember that i have always paid for myself and is this any different just because it's a wedding? When i look at it like that then i don't see an issue at all in asking your guests to pay. It just might come as a bit of a shock to them if they didn't expect it.

I expected to come on and say 'nnooooo you can't ask your guests to pay' however you have explained how you would tell your guests and I think it is fine. If you say to them that you are really sorry but there isn't going to be an official dinner so they are welcome to come to the ceremony and then afterwards to the reception or if they are happy to pay for themselves you would be delighted if they could join you at x venue and then onto the reception then I think that is making it clear the guests can choose which they prefer. The only problem would be is if any guests are travelling to your ceremony and then need to hang around until the evening reception that might put people in a bit of a sticky position.

You can only give people the chance to decide what they would prefer to do and I wouldn't be annoyed if a couple said the same to us.

It might be worth considering just sending out evening reception invitations but saying to people they are welcome to come to the ceremony and not mention the meal? I had about 8 guests that really wanted to see us get hitched but we couldn't afford to have them all day and since they lived locally they were glad they could pop in for the ceremony and come back later on. Then if anyone expresses an interest in what you are doing for a meal you can tell them why you aren't having a proper wedding meal and see what their reaction is.

Lx

I think you should!

The thing is if you say 'oh I'll put £2000 behind the bar and after that is gone people pay for their own' you will still have people upset, because "Mr X has had 5 drinks before the money ran out and I only got 2" I always think if you have £2000 spare it is better spent on the food, or fireworks, or anything that people will remember and appreciate more than having a couple of free drinks.

I think pay bars are in the majority these days, I wouldn't even pay for 1 free drink, just the wine with meal and a glass of champagne for the toast!

I wouldn't say it was rude, it's just not expected.

Your inviting people to celebrate with you and i think the majority of people would assume that included the food.

We are having a wedding breakfast but not the traditional 3 course meal, we're having a beef roast. The original quote i got from the venue using their wedding breakfast menu was over a £1000 dearer then the cost of having the roast dinner.

Also the idea of having a cold fork buffett or a bbq would be nice, especially if it's a summer wedding?

xx

When i saw the title of this thread, yes i thought it would be rude, but if you were to word it in such a way that 'you are not having a wedding breakfast but if people would like to join you for a meal afterwards then they would be welcome to book a place at...................' and menus price's are available upon request and include contact details for where ever you would be? x

I don't think it's rude. granted, most people have never been to a wedding where they've had to pay but that's becuase things become the norm as so people just do it. I wouldn't at all be offended to pay for my meal. If it's a close family member of close friend, the most important thing to me would be to share their day with them.

Having said that, these days, it's not all about the full sit down meal. As other have said, there are so many options you can do to save money. So many people get married later to feed people once. I'd say have a look at some options then make a deicsion.

My friend's brother had a picnic/bbq for their wedding and gave everyone a specially labelled (with bride & grooms name) hesian bag which they asked everone to bring something. Apparently it went really well & my friends partner even enjoyed it ( & he's an especially grumpy bloke!!). I know we have a pot luck lunch at work there's always plenty to go round. Tie it in with a bbq.

I'd pay for a meal at a wedding (as long as I could choose & it wasn't ridiculously overpriced) its just not something I've had to do before.

Although i do understand your reasoning, i'm sorry to say but 'd feel embarrassed ?to ask my guests to pay for a meal, i'm sorry but i would hate for my friends and family to think i was that tight, i'd rather have a much smaller wedding with only my parents and witnesses and go without than do that.

I went to a wedding last year where we had to pay for our own food. I'm sorry to say but i was extremly offended!!!

Main reason being we had absolutly no indication that we were paying for meal. At the time we were in middle of buyin our first house so money was tight and we werent eepecting such an outlay. We had also travelled a round trip of about 200miles to get there. I'm sorry but it was the worst wedding i have ever been to!

Hello,

I have a friend having a wedding on a budget too, but instead of asking them to pay for their meal for example, she ask them to to make cash contributions for wedding gifts with a flexible gift list service. In fact instead of bying those gifts she had the options to get the contributions and use to plan the wedding. I think she used ameliste.co.uk

But I'll ask her more details about this.