Is this rude from my church??

I can't really comment on the wedding on the same day as somebody elses', but i don't think its uncommon to have a couple of weddings a day at the same church.

But my friend got married in my church in Sept and the had a meeting with numerous other couples earlier on in the year, and i have been told that i have to do the same. We are getting married in January and still havent yet had our meeting.

We have had a few questions, including can we have an order of service template, and whether certain hymns are suitable, which we have sent to the administrator, not sure whethet they will be answered yet.

x

This is going to be a little harsh (sorrry) but I am hoping you'll find it useful.

The first comment i'd make is your OoS won't even be a consideration (from their point of view) until they have given you a template from which to do it, assumably at your meeting in January. (We received ours in January for our August wedding).

Secondly, your church hasn't blindly booked in another couple, as she explains in the email there has been careful consideration to ensure minimum impact on both your days - effectively if you'd not asked, you wouldn't even have known it was happening. The day after our wedding, 13 August, there were 4 weddings at our church - 4!!

Re the flowers - if they allow at least 2 hours, with working on the timings your florist should be able to come in and take out the previous weddings, and arrange your own. Usually couples on the same day share for cost reasons - agreeing on the scheme and it's customary for you to ask about this before you book the flowers. I think you can rest assured that the other wedding won't be 2 hours late in finishing - they will have a wedding breakfast to get to, and even if they are, it's likely to be only the bride and groom left having photo's meaning the florist can easily slip in.

It's also very unusual to have one on one meetings in a CofE church (but I understand much more common in a catholic church), certainly myselff and my married friends experiences are of marriage classes usually lasting 2-3hours each containing between 20-40 couples (depending on the church - I live in a quite small villiage, and would estimate there were 25 couples). Imagine if the vicar had to attend the house of each of the 25+ couples homes for 2-3 hours each - it would be a nightmare. and he'd have to answer the same questions day in, day out.

My suggestion would be, if you want to discuss hymns / readings to do it after the end of the meeting in January (which is what we did) or attend Sunday service and ask then. He certainly will appreciate you've taken time to consider it carefully.

While I don't think your being unreasonable, I do think your reacting and pancicing and shock and that your expecatations are perhaps a little high and your only considering yourself and not the many other people getting married in the parish in 2012. You would have been informed of all of the above at the meeting in Janaury (as the email explains you would be introduced to the other couple).

I suspect the meeting with other couples is a wedding prep day when you all get together and discuss what marriage means to you and your other half, and what marriage means in the eyes of the church and the law. We had about 20-30 couples at ours, people who were marrying in our church and two neighbouring ones in the next year. Ours was really useful; we got to meet the vicar, a few of the church helpers, the organist and people from relate, legal reps etc. We also had time to talk to our vicar alone on the day. It was also when we discussed the banns and dates of that. This was 6ish months before our wedding and then we had a meeting with the vicar 6-8 weeks before where it was just us and her and we discussed the timings and things specifically of our wedding.

As for the flowers, we didn't bother as the church decorates it every week anyhow so we were happy to go with theirs. But on our day after the service (50mins ish) we had the confetti shot outside, then as one tog was sorting everyone into place for the big formal shot of everyone in the church gardens we went back into the church for a few photos, then back outside, so I would say from the start of the service to us going to the gardens to have the formal shots it was a little over an hour. If the wedding before you is the same then that leaves at least 40 mins for the florist (or whoever ) to get the flowers sorted. If they have already planned it all and know where it is all to go then this should be enough time perticularly if you have a few people helping - it would just take organising before hand.

As for discussing flowers with the other couple, they may be like us and not bothered, so it would leave the church empty for you to get your flowers straight in after their service. Or they may want flowers and be happy to share costs with you for the same thing. You won't know 'til you talk to them.

I wouldn't worry until you have talked to the other couple.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. They booked the other wedding to fit around yours, you can't expect to change it now. Some churches cram 4 wedding into a Saturday with 90 minutes each, some insist that photos are done round the back to allow for the arrival of the next party, some have set times to fit them all in, so I think you're lucky to be able to pick your time in the first place. The church is under no obligation to let you know there are other events on anyway - would you want to know there was a funeral taking place the morning of your wedding? I wouldn't.

As far as flowers go many churches encourage couples to accept a 'neutral' decor - maybe white flowers and foliage - and either share costs or contribute to the church flower fund and they do it centrally. Why are you being selfish about your flowers? if you're willing to pay out for church decoration why do you not want to share them - and potentially the cost - with another couple? You need to meet them first before you start ranting - you may have a lot in common and can agree on joint flowers for the church.

In terms of the meeting this will probably be the 'wedding classes' that most churches insist on. It's usually a dozen or more couples meeting with the vicar to discuss the meaning of marriage etc. You will meet the vicar individually another time to discuss your individual needs and expectations.

Take a deep breath and chill - OoS don't need doing until a few weeks before, you'll get to meet the other couple and meet with the vicar. Remember that the church do hundreds of weddings a year - they know how it usually works and you need to follow their lead.

Actually, I do feel for you. I get the impression that you were unfamiliar with all of these points and while the others who have commented have made clear that this is standard practice, I see where you're coming from. As it is standard practice, then no, its not rude of your church, but I feel if you'd been warned of this in advance you'd have accepted it or perhaps decided against a church wedding, I don't know.

Going by what I've read it will be absolutely fine, I'm sure your florist is used to getting in and decorating and out again in the standard timescales, the services are bound to be a standard length so shouldn't be an issue, and at this stage I'm sure the flowers can be changed if need be or you can share your costs with the other couple, or even keep your own and they will just have to get their own too!

I can understand why you're upset because you obviously weren't told about these things when you had your first meeting with the vicar.

We're getting married in a CoE church and we went to see the vicar a little while ago. She briefly took us through a few things and told us that, in January, all the 2012 couples go to the church and, in a group, they are told all about what happens. The florist will be there, organist, choir etc. It's sort of like a wedding show in a church. So I don't think this is unreasonable at all.

It's a bit unfair that the vicar didn't speak to you about another couple getting married on the same day though. When we booked ours, because we were the first people to chose that date we were told that, should someone else want that date too, we would get first choice of the time and the others would have to be fitted around it.

What a horrible way to find out!

When me and the OH were looking at getting married at the church in our village they couldn't confirm that we would be the only wedding on that day which put me off because the church doesnt have a lot of parking and I was worried people would struggle.

I'm sure that two hours is enough time between the two weddings for your florist to be able to go in and change the flowers. Could you not contact the other couple and ask if they want to spilt the cost of the flowers with you?

remember - keep your chin up!

Thanks for all the advice guys. As you say vixj83, I have never been married before so I'm afraid all of this is new to me. As I said in my OP, I have no problem with the church being used by other couples on the same day, I know that this happens. What bothers me is the lack of communication to let me know this is happening. I don't think I'm being particularly over-organised to have booked my florist already, others on here last week said they had done theirs even earlier than mine. I'm not sure how I could have asked in advance of booking when I wasn't told there was another couple on the same date.

I suppose I'm being selfish about the flowers because I have spent a lot of time thinking about it and choosing certain flowers that are very special to us and our families so I don't want to replace them with bland, white flowers to fit in with someone else's wedding. They will also be taken to our reception venue with us where they will need to tie in with the rest of the decor, and I'm not consulting the other couple about that!

Also, any idea how you approach splitting costings when we will be the ones keeping the flowers and they will just have them for the ceremony?

Thanks for the info about the meetings with other couples etc being standard practice. As I have only been told "there will be a meeting" I had no idea what that actually entailed but it sounds as though we will get a chance to speak to our vicar alone aboyut readings and hymns on another occasion.

I don't want to be difficult, I just want to know the information and given that the church, as others have said, do this all year every year I hoped they would be forthcoming on that front. Lesson learned! ?

I actually really feel for you. We're not having a church wedding so I was totally unfamiliar with the protocols you are being asked to fit in with. It sounds like all this stems from the fact they didn't sit you down and explain any of this before you booked, it may not have changed your plans but it would have given you the information. One of the big things with civil weddings at venues is they talk to you about the level of exclusivity you get. If they do host multiple weddings on you are told about it.

It is such a special day to you and I understand that you don't want to get stuck with other people's taste for flowers or worse still have your guests arriving and seeing another bride round the back still having her pictures taken. You have to rely on the fact that your church is a professional wedding supplier like any other and they will know what limitiations there are and how to work around them. They do tens if not hundreds of them a year so should have plenty of experience.

Do they perhaps feel that as you're sharing your day with God you should be happy to share it with everyone? (Sorry, Athiest humour coming out. I am JOKING!)

My church was a busy one, with up to 3 wedding services on a Saturday plus being open as a tourist attraction! We knew this up front and went for the first available service at 12.30pm. They did say that the service is about 45 minutes with about 2 hours between ceremonies so very rare that they actually cross over and they don't allow confetti outside the doors of the church, only in the gardens so you wouldn't see that either.

I didn't actually get to speak to the vicar until they held a wedding services open evening which was 6 weeks before our wedding, then we had a wedding rehearsal two days before the wedding which was for all weddings taking place that weekend (including Friday).

They gave us the option of sharing the cost of the flowers with other weddings on that day (as it happens we didn't have any extra, the pedestals they already had in place were enough).

Order of Service was drafted in advance by me but not finalised until about 2 weeks before the wedding.

I think it is hard to accept when you don't know what to expect but from my experience it certainly doesn't feel out of the ordinary.

Churches have many weddings on the same day. Many don't give you two hours!

Venues are no different. High Rock in Tonbride Wells has 3 floors and one Saturday a couple of months ago had 5 weddings on.

Bonkers.