Little bit of a MIL / Money moan

I can imagine how you are feeling, and the money conversation can be so awkward! I know that she hasn't offered anything, but you could maybe ask her for her help? She might be worried about stepping on yours, or your Mum's, toes by offering to help with things. She's done this before with her daughters and she knows what a special time it is. She might be worried about offending your Mum, or not wanting to push her out. I bet if you were to ask her for her help she would be honored.

The money situation is a bit awkward, but you never know, she might change her mind nearer the time. From the start we knew that our parents weren't going to be contributing, but in the end they both did. Mum bought my dress and both sets put money towards the drinks package, and left their cards behind the bar (they love a drink!)

Try not to let it upset or annoy you. If she doesn't want to get involved and isn't interested then keep her at arms length from the planning and just enjoy this time with your Mum x

Some people are very traditional regarding weddings. Think of it as no financial input and you don't have someone telling you what you should do! Regards helping I think traditionally it was different for girls than boys and you really had a lot of say in your daughter's wedding you paid for and very little in your son's. I involved my MIL as much as an elopement allowed. So maybe she is not interfering and waiting to be asked? Could you say she is so clever with her hands and creative would she help you with this or that? She may be thrilled to be asked and if she declines well it's her loss. Good luck. Look forward to hearing your plans.

Spot on Jayne! I'm in the same boat, Firefly. OH and I were planning on paying for everything ourselves, but my parents are very kindly insisting on paying for both the cake and my veil. I didn't expect anything from OH's parents and they haven't offered anything either, which we're both fine with, but I am super peeved that they just don't seem interested in the wedding at all. A bit of enthusiasm would have been nice! But as Jayne says, the positive side to all that is that there's two less people trying to give us their opinion

As your MIL has got two married daughters, the novelty of planning a wedding might have worn off for her. She might be glad to take a back-seat this time round rather than having the responsibility that mothers of the bride often feel they have.

Enjoy this time with your mum for now and see what happens

x

I completely understand how you feel!

My parents are very kindly paying for our wedding but my parents in law to be haven't offered to pay for anything or do anything to help and my h2b has said he doubts they will offer anything but then my mil2b starts questioning stuff that we're doing for the wedding to H2b when im not around, we're having pizza, cheese and biscuits and then the cake for dessert plus a sweet cart for the evening food to make to cheaper and allow for more guest to come in the evening and she keeps saying its ridiculous to be only doing that for the evening and then starts telling us that certain people who I have never met should invited which is not going to happen as we're on a budget and we want the people there that are part of our life not some that she says should be invited! My mum gets really annoyed about it as her and my dad are paying for it but Mil2b sticks her nose in and expects my parents to pay for all her family to be there! It really winds me up and I know at some point i'm going to end up saying something about it! Which I don't want to do for H2b's sake. She told h2b that she didn't want to be going to any wedding fairs or anything as she didn't want to be involved but she feels she can comment on the things that we're doing, i've learnt to keep things quiet now so she can't say anything. She even told us at one point that h2b's step dad wanted to wear his own suit so h2b would have to get his and bm suits to match his! That isn't going to happen!!

I think sadly some people are so stuck in their ways that nothing will change their minds and if your like me it will bug you, try not to let it get to you and enjoy planning with your mum and as Jayne says if theres no financial input then she has no say!

I can't comment on the money situation as we are paying for everything ourselves, & actually I have preferred it that way as all the way through it's felt like our day 100% - no one is having any input or imposing any conditions on us & as a result I'm pleased that it will feel very personal to us (not saying others won't - just my personal opinion on our situation alone!). I guess if she feels that way about wedding traditions etc, ultimately it's her decision, although I can understand it may be a bit hurtful - no one is contractually obliged to contribute to their children's weddings I suppose, as nice as it may be. It's helped us to keep our budget in check as we're only committing ourselves to what we can afford between the two of us.

In terms of general interest in the wedding though, I can relate a bit - we're kind of in the same boat with H2B's parents - I think this has a lot to do with the fact that it's his 2nd wedding, & it is a bit hurtful but hopefully as it gets nearer this will change & they'll get more involved. Like others have said, maybe she's waiting for you to ask!

Thank you for all your replies!

I definitely hadn't thought about the fact people putting money in might want input, and considering she already says she 'can't see me in a meringue dress' and asked me if I'm covering my tattoos up (bit rude!) I suppose it could be a good thing that she doesn't get a say!

She doesn't have two daughters, she has one who has been married twice, but thats besides the point anyway, either way she's done two weddings already.

Maybe she's just thinking that because it's so far away it's too early to even be thinking about it, possibly why she hasn't offered any help yet. I guess it's just such a huge contrast compared to my mum who keeps excitedly telling me ideas she's had lol (luckily she has very similar taste to me so they're not awful ideas!).

You can't expect anybody to do anything. That's just a good life lesson to learn and accept. It'll save a lot of heartache.

We paid for our wedding ourselves. We actually fought with my in-laws in this regard because they'd given a chunk of cash to their other kids for their weddings, and we didn't want it. My family couldn't afford it.

If you want your MIL to be involved in doing the arts and crafts then ask her to help. She might say no. My MIL made it very clear early on that she was done making stuff for weddings. She had made my the bridesmaids dresses for both her other son and daughter's weddings as well as a bunch of other stuff. (She then moaned after our wedding that I didn't ask her. I couldn't win even if I was playing the game.)

I don't expect anyone to do anything, all I was saying was that she did a lot twice for her daughters wedding and it seems a bit unfair to not be offering anything for her son. I can't stand inequality and my family will spend as much time/money on my brothers wedding as they are doing mine, so it seems off to me.

Yes, you did expect.

You said, "but I would have expected her to at least offer to help make the table decorations, or the cake (she can make literally anything, and for my OH's sisters wedding she hand made all the waistcoats for the men in the wedding party). But she's offered nothing, financially or time." Emphasis added.

Her position may be unfair in your opinion, but she's perfectly entitled to hold that position.

I'll add further to my advice above. Your annoyance towards her position puts your future husband in an awkward position between his future wife and mother.

Why are you being so negative towards me? I am not putting my partner in an awkward position as he feels the same. I just wanted somewhere to get it off my chest without him thinking I'm bringing it up again and wanting him to confront his mother, which I'm not, I'm just expressing how I feel it's unfair and wondering what other people thought on the subject. I appreciate you are adding your thoughts to but I don't understand what I've done for you to do so in such an agressive manner. I'm allowed to be upset that someone is treating someone else unequally! I only expected her to offer some form of help because she did SO much for his sisters two weddings.

Has your H2B approached the subject with his mum, like "hey we could do with some help paying for this/making these things"? Sometimes people find it awkward talking about money, and I think its probably a conversation he should have with his mum on his own. I'm lucky in that my future in-laws are happy to pay for things, but there's no way I would ever ask them myself.

I imagine as well its a bit different when its your son getting married, as unless you are super close to her, maybe she feels like you might think she is interfering if she offers help where maybe your mum might like to do it.

I would just enjoy the planning with your mum for the moment ?

My in-laws haven't paid anything and I don't expect them to. They haven't said anything (as far as I'm aware) but I know when their older son got married there was a fight. So my OH said from the start not to expect them to offer. My parents, on the other hand, are paying for most of our wedding. It was expected for us - they've been saying for years they wanted to do this - and we are really lucky they're in the position they are.

However some of my OH's family have made comments about me and my family thinking I'm better than them because my parents have money (they don't - they're just really really good with the money they have!). They're not happy with the wedding because we have done what we want. My parents don't care what the wedding's like as long as we are happy. It's not showy but the venue is really different to anything they've been to before and I think it's putting their backs up ?

Long story short - you can't win either way! It sucks she's made an effort with both weddings for her daughter but thinks it's different for her son but that's her loss. Crack on with the planning with your family and I hope the rest of your planning is plain sailing!