Meeting the vicar!

Welcome to Hitched!

I've gone through this recently and he (well it was the curate) asked us what marriage meant to us, why we wanted to get married in the church and what connection we had with the church (eg I said that Mum lives in the parish, I grew up there and was confirmed there)

Also if you've been married before you have to go through all the gory details ☹️

L x

Neither of us have been married before so thats ok, we don't really have a connection with the church though, we live in the village but thats all! Would that be a problem? I hope not!!

Hi! Welcome!!

We are getting married in Church, and we are part of the Church - don't worry!! Vicar's aren't all scary like they are painted out to be!!! He will just ask you questions like "are either of your married / been married, are you blood related," etc etc - boring questions like that!!

Plus they will also ask what marriage means to you - why have you decided to get married now after all this time etc.. Don't worry!!! It's not an interview!! It's just an informal chat!!! Plus, they won't force you to go to church either!!

They should tell you about the costs (£320 I think - you can find this on the CofE website - https://www.yourchurchwedding.org/your-wedding/the-cost-of-church-weddings.aspx) is the basic fees etc - any extras are voluntary and not necessary - Our Church charges the £320 plus they will do the pew ends with flowers if you want, and if you want bell-ringers it's an extra £25 etc etc - but you don't have to take all that - just the £320 is the fee that's necessary!! Some churches ask for approx £150 fee towards the upkeep of the church - but again, that's voluntary!! I have told our vicar that we won't be paying the upkeep fee - we will offer a collection at the ceremony instead - that will probably get them more than £150 anyway!!

Good luck!! xx

If you live in the village then that's your connection! ?

It's not a scary chat I promise! We were really nervous though as it was the first proper "wedding" thing that we'd done!

xx

Hi thanks for that I don't know why I feel so nervous! I would like the bell-ringers, I thought they would be more expensive than that so thats good news! He sounded really friendly on the phone so hopefully it will all go ok!

I think it will all feel a bit more real once we have set a date, he said we can do that on Monday!

Sarah x

Ah thats alright then! I will worry about everything until he has said YES YOU CAN MARRY THERE!

It's our first 'wedding' thing too, it's so exciting!

Lol! If you've never been to church and met many vicars they can seem a bit scary!! But I promise you, they're not!!

I was shocked too at how little the bell-ringers cost us - it will vary from church to church but it shouldn't be too different! A lady from our church is doing our pew end flowers and a floral display at the front too - that has only cost us about £60 cause they will be all silk flowers that match our colour scheme!!

Most churches also offer a "wedding planning day" - it's a day where they put on lunch for you and offer advice and help etc in all your planning - it may be a good idea to go to it cause you'll meet other couples getting married and may find some useful suppliers etc!

Let us know what date you book!!

Sarah x

That sounds good, any advice will help as it's all new to us.

We are aiming for June/July next year, we want a nice sunny day!

Sarah x

Woo!!! That'll fly by!!!! Mine's not til October - we wanted sunny, but then the thought of us all trussed up in dresses and suits on a hot day might be too much!! This way, we may get a sunny, bright October day with the beautiful colour of the autumn leaves!!! (that's what I'm telling myself anyway!! We may end up with torrential rain and gale force winds!!)

Sarah xx

Our vicar didnt ask us about why we were getting married ? but my OH's mum is heavily involved with the church so she might have already given her the background on us!

She just went through the form with us - so got us to spell our names and our father's names (including middle names!) and our address bla bla bla. She also gave us the date that our banns would be read. It was very relaxed - you have nothing to worry about!

We do have to attend a meeting with her in January where she'll explain to us what marriage means according to the bible. At that meeting we'll go through hymns, readings etc.

Good luck! xxx

My parents are divorced and I don't see my dad and he won't be attending the wedding, will the vicar be ok with that?!

When I spoke on the phone the vicar said we would have some follow up talks which I'm fine with, will probably just make me more excited for the day!

Sarah x

They won't be bothered about that! They really don't go that in-depth - They just ask the name of your father and occupation - it's for the register! I had to give my Dad's details even though he passed away 3 years ago.

Don't worry!! Unless you and your OH are brother and sister or you're already married, there's no reason at all for the vicar to not let you get married in that church!!

xxx

Certainly not related? and never married before hence why I'm so nervous about it all! Hmm I don't know his occupation...I have a step dad now, would I give his details aswell? It's all very confusing!

*breath*!!?

I guess if you dont know his occupation they'll just have to put 'unknown' but your mum might know or it might say on their marriage certificate if your mum still has it? Otherwise (if they definitely need it) you can pay £9.25 and get a copy of their marriage certificate online.

I doubt they'd need to know your step-dad's details unless he adopted you? As then he'd be your legal dad.

I'm sure the vicar is used to people not knowing something or having to check something so dont worry about it too much!

xxx

Thanks for all ya advice, I'll have to ask my mum!

Sarah x

Welcome to Hitched!

It'll be fine - the vicar is there to help you, not scare you so you run away to a civil ceremony!

A word of warning though, whilst the statutory charge is low, the church can charge what it likes for the remainder. Our service to include the organist and bell ringers is £1011. That said, the service is what our day is about so I'm happy to spend that much money. Some people are shocked at that, but I simply cannot see how you can justify thousands on the rest of the day if you're not prepared to pay appropriately for the part of your day that really matters.

*gets off soapbox*

Either way, beyond the statutory charge, it's up to you what you go fo and can therefore have more control over the cost. Good luck!

It certainly does vary, mine is £680 and it includes organist and the ladys of the church doing some flowers

Ours doesn't even include flowers. Eeek.

Do you have a rough idea of how much a choir might cost? One of the main reasons I would love to have the Church at Mum's parish is I used to sing there, and I'd like the choir to sing either the hymn or anthem that I sung for one of my chorist exams **geek alert** To be fair I'd be willing to pay loads for that cause it's so important to me.

xx

Our church choir is £200 (they're not great), the local choral societies have quoted £300 - £500 dependant on numbers and the quotes I've had for gospel choirs have been between £1000 and £1750 (although that's only for 6 people! A 20 strong gospel choir - our quote was £3250! Definitely worth shopping around.

...and to think we only got paid £1 each if we sung at a wedding! Still, I was only little (between 10 and 16) so it seemed a lot at the time!

HOW MUCH??!!! ?

Our church is charging us £320 for the statutory fees, £60 for the flowers,, £25 for the bell ringers and £60 for the organist!!!

They have indicated that there is a voluntary fee of £150 for upkeep of the church, but that is, as they state, voluntary!! We are goona include a collection at the ceremony which should net them more than £150!

Why would you not pay towards the upkeep though? For me, choosing to marry in a church means I ought give something back to the community who frequent it regularly. Part of our fee goes towards the roof fund. I'm happy to donate so that our church can be kept in a decent state with the hope that one day my grandchildren's children can come and see the place where their long dead Great Granny married the man of her dreams. Churches are expensive to keep and very few receive the money they need.

I know it's personal decision but it just seems a bit odd to me.

Ours just asked for the fee set by the Church of England, then the bell ringers are £65, the organist is £60 and the verger is £60. The choir charges £10 per person so its up to us how many we want. We are going to have 6 I think.

Ours didnt ask for a donation, but I think a collection at the end is a nice idea as it means everyone attending can donate to the church and help a little.

xxx

I will have a better idea of costs once I have spoken to the vicar, sounds like it differs a lot depending where the church is!

The vicar will be fine with this. I have the same situation and found it very strange having to give my fathers details for the form when i haven't seen him for 20 years! i said my mum was giving me away and he said lovely blah blah blah

Because I'm part of the Church and go every Sunday and donate approx £2,000 a year already! The fee of £150 towards upkeep is minimal - a collection would bring them so much more. I agree, that churches don't get money that they need - in order to do that, they need frequent visitors - not just people happy to use it cause it looks good on the photos - I'm not digging at anyone here!! Just people that I've spoken to and asked why they want to get married in a church when they don't go regularly or believe in God..... and that's the answer i've had - "it looks good on the photos".

The reason I suggested that Sarah didn't have to pay it, was because she is very tight on budget and couldn't afford something huge - and a church would rather not take the money from someone who can't afford it.

Our church choir charges £60, but we're small at the moment. (we get £5 each and any remaining goes into the choir fund)

I think the average is between £60 and £100.

You would have to check with them if thy will travel, and you will need to check with your vicar to make sure it's okay to have a visiting choir (especially if the church has its own choir, as they be put out if another choir "steals a gig" from them - if it's a village, though, they're unlikely to have a choir)

Your organist will cost about £60, too.

The part of the fee that goes to the PCC (it's about half) is a donation to the church - the church keeps it. You don't need to give any more than that, and it would certainly put off a lot of people if they thought they had to do that as well as pay the stautory fees.

Some churches charge a little extra for heating if it's an autumn/winter wedding.

We didn't donate any money to our church, and we go there every week!

We are prepared to give a relatively large proportion of money from our budget to the church, but this is where church costs confuse me..... If someone is getting married in church because of their beliefs, I don't think they should have to pay a higher financial cost then going to registry office and why the costs differ so greatly. The catholic church will marry you for free if you can not afford to pay the fees for getting married as it is a rite. I think that they are due the money for the service they provide, I think people should not think of the using the church for a "cheap wedding" instead it should be up there in importance of dress or flowers and decorations. For example if you were spending £1000 on your dress then i think £1000 for the church is acceptable. My dress was £300 but i think all said and done our donations to our churches (we are having our marriage counselling in our parish church, and wedding where i grew up) will be approx £650 and our total budget of £5000