MIL taking over - HELP!

Oh bless you, she sounds like a nightmare and trying to relive her wedding through yours-ie do what she wants rather than what you want! It's a really hard situation to be in, as you have to involve her, as its your fiances mother, but she sounds like she is taking over, if you try and talk to her about it, she sounds like the kind of woman who will say shes not coming-that you dont like her.

I can kind of relate, my other halfs mum keeps trying to get involved. Before we were even engaged it had started, she did an apprenticeship in jewellery making and wanted to make my engagement ring! I wanted something perfect that i liked, not something that she made and told my other half, my ring would always be a ring that she made me, not chosen by my fiance. He had to 'unask' her and this resulted in me apparently not liking her, and that being the real reason! I have just been a bit more in control of her, specifically told her what i do or dont want, and basically that i do not need any help. We are going abraod for our wedding, so i can basically tell her things are already sorted etc. I would have a word with your wedding planner and just make sure that they only authorise things coming from you!

Good luck! x

Ack. We haven't told OH's mum yet (She works far too often and barely has a day off) and really am not looking forward to it if your experience is in any way typical. Eeek.

This does sound really difficult and I'm not surprised you're getting frustrated! But I think it's important to get some perspective and definitely don't be cancelling anything on her behalf!

I think try and move on from the irritating things she has done so far, and concentrate on the things that are left to do. Would it be helpful to choose something you're not too bothered about and give her the role of doing that e.g. Favours, sorting the evening buffet, picking a reading or something? If she doesn't want to wear a corsage, fine! I'd still get her one though so she's got the option rather than later saying you didn't get her one. If you don't want a paige boy tell your bridesmaid that fmil was mistaken. Or better yet draft in your fiancé to do that! She is his mother after all! Aside from giving her a specific job to do, I wouldn't even talk to her about the wedding, just keep repeating that it's all sorted and you don't want to bore her about the details! If you tell the family she is in charge of x then they can hardly say you aren't involving her in the planning!

You have two months to go, plenty of time to get whatever you need to do sorted! You can do it x

I feel really sorry for you, this is a horrible situation, especially as this is your H2B's Mum and you presumably need to continue a relationship with her!! Stressful for you and your OH as I guess he must feel like he's stuck in the middle a bit too.

Sounds like you're going to have to be the 'grown-up' here as she appears to be behaving rather like a child throwing it's toys out of the pram! Stick to your guns and have the wedding you want, but as others have said try and find something neutral for her to do - perhaps a bathroom box or something else that will be tucked out of the way if you're worried about her taste!

It's really not worth letting someone like this ruin your last few weeks of wedding planning - as long as you know you've tried then it's her problem - not yours - it's easy to say but just try and focus on the good stuff you've got to look forward too and serenely smile and glide on if she goes off on one again!!

Wow, what a cow. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I feel angry just reading it!

Perhaps sit down and talk to her in a really calm way and explain that you're really looking forward to being a part of her family and you're so grateful for her interest, but this is the only time you intend on getting married, and you'd like to organise it all. Get her on side, be super nice, but then explain how you're feeling.

Or else, get your partner to have a word with her.

Thanks ladies for your replies. I needed too vent as I'm going crazy! I have tried too talk too her but had too stop as I could feel my anger rising and last thing I want too do is let rip as I know I'll blurt out stuff I don't really mean. My OH seems scared too death of upsetting her especially because of what happened at his oldest brothers wedding (his mum being ignored) I'm always nice and polite when I see her and bite my tongue I'm too soft! My OH family is very clicky they do everything together. Since the invite thing I haven't been invited too anything including a family funeral the other week. I'm starting too think she will push us apart as my bloke will not stand up too her as his mum is so delicate and pussyfoots around her. He said he feels stuck in the middle of us two which I understand but he's very quick too tell me I have upset his mum and that she is stressed out but won't tell his mum how upset she is making me and ruining my plans.

I'm not sure what I can give her too do, I don't like her taste at all! I will take the advice of not mentioning anything about the wedding when I see her again. It's shame all this has happened we got on so well before the wedding was booked and slowly she changed telling me how too be a good wife, and giving future children family names etc I'm very stubborn so don't that helps!

Thanks though for taking the time too reply Xx

That is so awful to exclude you from something like that; how petty. I can't really offer any very practical, conciliatory advice because I would just tell her to get lost. You seem to me to have been very impatient and understanding up until now. Clearly she is very used to getting her own way by using emotional blackmail. Maybe I'm childish but I would play her at her own game! (Like I said - not very practical!)

if you could get OH on side that might help. If you disagree with FMIL's choices, try and emphasise to him hey they don't work/look odd etc so that your opinion appears to be a bit more objective - I'm not saying that will be easy. Going forward you need across to OH that he needs to back you up because you are his future. Good luck.

I tried really really hard to concentrate on that post and follow it, but I just couldn't do it. Totally distracted by your spelling of 'to'. You need to spell it 'to'. As in "my Mother in Law TO be" and "she offered TO make them for me".

'Too' is reserved for only a few circumstances, such as "I'm not too pleased with her" (meaning 'very'), "She's interfering and taking over too" (meaning 'as well') and "She pushes me too much" (meaning 'to an excess')

Sorry for going all teacher-ish there, but you seem like a lovely eloquent lady who just needs to correct that one thing in her language to make everything fine and dandy.

Anyway, I digress. Back to your post.... your FMIL sucks.

Only advice I'd give is to talk to your OH, and get him to intervene if necessary. It's his mother, and he's probably already learnt how to 'manage' her ways over the years. Get some tips from him as the expert.

x

Sorry ClaireDawnB for my shocking misuse of 'too'! Angry typing for you I always did it at school. Believe it or not I have two A Levels in English I shall make sure I use it correctly in future posts! And thanks for the advice.

Xx

LOL ?

Two A Levels in English - see, I KNEW you were a bright and eloquent young lady!

I just saw your latter comment about your OH not being particularly helpful in this situation. Can you sit down and have a heart to heart with him about it???? He needs to be helping you out with his mother, and setting a proper precedent for your married future as you can't have on-going problems with her for the next 50 years - it will drive you nuts.

Apoligies in advance for any typing errors, I fine it hard to do on my tablet. I c

an't really offer much advice here but just a small thought. Could you perhaps mention to your wedding planner that if she rings again he/she shouln't disclose any information. Obviously in a more polite way than I've put it. I also agree with others, it's notnworth sacrificing your big day for someone so petty.

Have you spoken to the other daughter in law? If not, I think you need to make contact with her immediately without telling anyone.

Also, you need to google "narcissistic personality disorder". I am concerned that you need more advice that what we can offer here. If you would like to speak to me my number is on my website. NPD can be a huge problem if you are marrying into a family where the mother has it. I know about it because my own mother had/has it, so the signs are more obvious to me!

Weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes. I'm shocked she feels she has the right to refuse to wear a corsage!!! That is so utterly out of order. I had a couple of issues with BM dresses but as they are paying for them themselves we have come to a compromise so we are both happy.
Your h2b needs to intervene. I can't believe she has the audacity to act so inconsiderate. What a child. I mean jeez!
I have done EVERYTHING on my own including dress trying on! This is mainly because I'm on maternity leave and everyone else works full time. Actually it's been quite nice. My mum has tried to offer her opinion and in times stepped on the mark but I have quickly shot her down. She keeps talking about wedding etiquette and what's right and wrong I then have to remind her she was married at 7 months pregnant in a tartan suit without her parents present and therefore her opinions about the bridesmaid dresses and who to invite is not wanted. She hated my invites and said they weren't weddingy enough. I told her to shove it in a drawer and write the date on the calendar then. H2B mother is saying she's not even going to come if her sisters are there. We have said fine but don't expect to see your grandchild again if that happens. The only person who's been a legend in this whole thing is my dad who is paying for everything, he's happy as long as he gets to wear the same suit as the groom and the groomsmen!
Pointless post but just to say weddings do bring out the worst everyone as they all want to play a part in the big day and feel important. The main thing is that you're happy and it's not going to cause a huge row many years down the line if you didn't get the wedding you wanted. Unfortunately there do have to be compromises and it's not going to be 100% exactly what you want. A page boy might be nice (I understand you're annoyed she didn't ask). What I don't get is why you're paying for her hotel and the hen? That is when your h2b really needs to say something to his mother regardless of her fragile state!
Hope everything works out okay. Fingers crossed. Xxx

I feel for you and know that talking about these things can be very difficult. You could write it all down as you have done here and ask your H2B to read it and then talk. That way he sees everything and then gets to respond rather than interrupting you when you've just started and not hearing the whole story.

She clearly wants to be an active part of the wedding but needs reining in, and your oh needs to help you with that but he also needs to support his mum. Tell him you understand she's his mum but this is yours and his wedding and so what the two of you want is what matters.

I do agree with the advice above about only worrying about the areas that really matter, inviting guests, giving people roles and getting to your wedding planner. Your OH needs to be involved in telling her she doesn't get to do those things. If she doesn't want to wear a corsage, then let her. It's an odd statement that roses are wrong, they're the most popular wedding flower. She's clearly having a bit of a strop. Not being funny, but so what if you don't like her taste, we're all different, let her do something that really doesn't matter in taste terms, a bathroom box is perfect for that.

I'd bet you a pound that when your Oh's brother got married your MIL2B wasn't ignored, she pulled the same crap as she's trying now but your Oh's brother stood by his fiancee. YY to Paula upthread who recommended looking up toxic parenting and narcissism.

Your OH should be standing by you: the fact that he isn't is a huge red flag. Do you really want to be going through the same feelings of being his second choice over the next 30 years of your lives together: every parenting issue, every home choice? He needs to step up now and stand by you. You need to talk to him calmly about this as the next couple of weeks are going to be telling for the rest fo your lives. Get him to talk to his brother about what happened in the lead up to that wedding.

That said; you are potentially looking at 30 (possibly 50) years with this woman in your life, so you need to make peace/work out your strategies now. Learn to pick your battles, and make sure that when she is unreasonable she does it in front of wiitnesses: if she is doing all this when you are alone together then you know that it is calculated.

So, stop crying about her: it's not a good look for the photos! Be deliberately polite: do not give her ammo. For example, if someone gives you a gift the polite thing to do is say thankyou, not point out that it wasn't what you woudl have chosen yourself. This is actually what you did with the invitations: so rude and although i get that you were wanting everything to reflect a theme, I can understand how you hurt her feelings, even though she was being dismissive of yours. you basically handed her a stick to beat you with and a reason to bad-mouth you to the family.

Take a deep breath. The wedding is one day, your marriage is the real issue.

I would be fuming if my h2b did not stand up to her. If he cannot stand up for his own wedding and bride to be when she is causing so many issues what the hell is he going to do if you decide to have children?? I would sit him down and tell him calmly how you feel. Explain you feel his quick to tell you when she is upset or offended but never stands up for you. No where does it state you have to give people roles in a wedding. If she likes her invites so much she can use them for her birthday party! This is your wedding and you only plan on doing it once so this should be between you and your oh. I would have a serious chat with him ASAP as it's your day not hers!

Well my OH told his Mum that I didn't want a page boy, I asked what her response was and he said nothing. However he hardly spoke too me the rest of the evening didn't cuddle or look at me like usual. When we went too bed he lay away from so knew he was annoyed at me I asked was it because I didn't want a page boy and it wow it set him off! Apparently our wedding is going too be a 'Muriel's Wedding' as he really wants a page boy I couldn't help but laugh! Never has he once mentioned the boy being involved in our day! Today he has spoken too me once...

I would absolutely love nothing more than to speak too the other DIL, however she lives on the other side of world and since her visit last year she deleted all my OHs side of the family off her Facebook including me, she uses Skype once a week to my MIL but hardly ever there and I'm never there. The other DIL now (ex DIL) was found too be talking too that DIL and it was frowned upon among his family. I never talk too the ex DIL as I have never got on with her so can't speak too her either.

The thing with my OH is that when we are on own away from everyone we are perfectly fine, we get on with everything, have so much fun and just generally love being in each others company it's just when family start getting involved in our lives I understand that always going to happen so always smile and take as much as I can.

Finally can I ask what a bathroom box is?

Thank you everyone for replies Xx