Mixed asian wedding conundrums + rant

Sending hugs to you. Planning a wedding can be stressful enough at the best of times, but when you are joining two families from different cultures it can be a lot harder, as every culture has its own way of doing weddings and often, families can be reluctant to accept that another culture's way of doing it can be just as 'right' as theirs!

The most important thing is that you and your FH are on the same page. You need to work out together what you want your wedding to look like. I think you are very wise to try and incorporate aspects of both your cultural backgrounds into your wedding - after all, the wedding is supposed to be a reflection of who you are, so leaving one culture out of the day completely would be odd!

You also need to work out how much compromise you are prepared to give to both sets of parents. Parents can often be very rigid as to how cultural 'norms' at weddings are done, and it's hard to get a balance between being respectful and ending up with a wedding that is dominated by one family's views! Do you have any unbiased friends or family members from both cultures who can advise you on how much it is possible to 'tweak' cultural traditions to fit in with a blended ceremony without stepping over the line into disrespect? E.g. the tea ceremony - does it truly HAVE to happen in the home to have proper meaning, or is that just FHs parents being rigid over tradition?

Regarding the food, would it be possible to do some kind of buffet with British, Chinese and Indian food? A lot of people who don't eat Indian food normally tend to think Indian = extremely hot curry, which may be why there is a bit of panic over the food being all Indian! So perhaps a combination of reassurance that not all Indian food is mouth-burningly spicy and that there will also be non-Indian food available might work.

As for the comments about wedding guests talking about you behind your backs - to be honest, if they're doing that, then you've invited the wrong guests!

Of course, the other option if the stress really gets too much for you is that you just elope!

I hope you are able to navigate a way through all this - for what it's worth, I think a wedding that contains a fusion of your different cultures would be totally beautiful and very memorable. Please update us with how it's going.

To be honest, if his parents are being this difficult about the wedding, I'm not surprised he doesn't speak to them a lot!!!

Hang in there - it's not easy managing cultural expectations between the generations. I have a number of friends in cross-cultural marriages and in every single one, it's been the parents' expectations and anxieties that have caused the biggest headaches with wedding planning! The younger generation is usually a lot less traditional in outlook, and it can be hard working out how to balance your own, more relaxed way of looking at things with a desire not to upset the older generation too much! Especially in a culture where there is so much emphasis on respecting ones' elders.

If you can find someone who is closer to your FH's parents' age but also has a bit more of a modern approach, that might be the best way forward. Maybe a younger aunt or uncle or an older cousin? Someone who can tell you and your FH "Yes, I know this is traditional, but as long as you do y and z, you can skip x without being disrespectful" and who can also tell his parents "oh, I know in our day, weddings had to include x, y and z, but times are changing and a lot of young couples aren't bothering with x now." And who can also point out "Of course puddingpeaches wants her culture reflected in the ceremony - it's just as important to her as our culture is to us."

I also think it would help if your FH took on the communication about wedding planning with his own parents. I know it can be tough standing up to strong-minded parents, but by making you the one who is communicating, there is a risk that you will be seen as the terrible daughter-in-law who is making their son abandon his heritage! Also, if there is a bit of a language barrier, then having your FH communicate with his parents will remove that.

Reassure them that you both love and respect his Chinese culture and heritage, but that as your relationship will be a mix of three cultures, Chinese, Indian and British, it is important that all aspects of your cultural heritage are reflected in your marriage. Acknowledging one doesn't have to mean disrespecting or ignoring the others.

The younger relative sounds perfect!

Do his parents mix a lot with cultures outside their own? If they're not used to doing that, then a lot of their difficult behaviour may just be rooted in anxiety, so hopefully a bit of patience and communication will sort that out.

As for your parents, it might not be possible to do this, but you could try keeping as much of the wedding as possible a secret 'so that it's a nice surprise on the day'. I guess it depends how much expectation there is that they will be involved with the planning, but I found with my mother, keeping her in the dark as much as possible saved my sanity, and presenting it as me wanting to 'surprise' her meant she didn't get offended! If people don't know what you are planning, they can't muscle in with (more expensive) alterations!

It sounds as if they are a bit scared of the whole mixing cultures thing now that they realise it's going to be permanent. NB: This does not excuse their behaviour, but it does explain why they are being so difficult - and does give hope that once they've got over the wedding hurdle, they might calm down again and realise it's all ok. Weddings can bring out weird behaviour in an awful lot of people!

Do you have a friend you can talk weddings with? Someone you can trust to be an encourager, not to add to your stress? If so, it might be worth sharing wedding stuff with them instead of with parents and in-laws. And of course, you can always vent here if you need to!

Sending big love to you, this sounds really tricky.

Without attempting to diagnose someone I've never met, your future MIL does sound somewhat manipulative! It's downright mean to suggest people will be talking about you behind your backs and to deliberately try to shame you into changing things when you are trying your best to make everyone happy. She must understand that there is more than one culture to be honoured here.

I'd strongly suggest getting your FH to talk to her, he should be sticking up for you in this scenario. And I also think you need to shut out the noise and have the courage of your conviction - this is your wedding and you are doing your utmost to give a nod to each of your heritages. So if you are happy with what's going to happen on your day, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Your MIL sounds difficult to please and would likely have something to say no matter what you did! For your own sanity remember that hers is only an opinion, and let it go. Make a decision with your FH and stick by it. You are entitled to make decisions about your own wedding.

Awww, I'm sorry you are still having issues - I remember one of your earlier posts about wedding stresses.

I'm staggered at the number of Brits who can't cope with non-traditional British food. Maybe I'm weird (or plain greedy!) but I'd quite happily gatecrash a wedding that was serving Caribbean or Indian food, even if I didn't know the couple getting married. (So if either you or OP get fed up with your in-laws and decide to uninvite them you know who to invite to fill the gap )