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Estina
Savvy October 2024 Gloucestershire

Mob, fob & mog are not friendly

Estina, 25 July, 2023 at 20:57 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 6
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Does anyone have an advice for what I can say to make my H2B feel better.
I have a great relationship with My parents but I know they are awkward. Unless they really want to do something they won't do it.
My H2B has this beautiful Idea that the In Laws should be friendly almost best mates. Much like his grandparents. Which I understand but unfortunately for us we don't have that and never will. My grandparents didn't get on at all.H2B is gutted that he's not got this amazing relationship with my father (they are just very different and dont have much in common) and he told me my mum needs to make efforts to be more friendly with his mum. I don't know what to tell him. I have dealt with this about my parents for years. They really don't talk to people outside of their friendship/family group. My father doesn't care what most people think of him or them for that matter. My H2B is beside himself because his mum told him she expected that my mum would be calling and trying to establish a close relationship. When I spoke to my mum about this she told me she's not interested in doing so (my mum is very shy and only talks to people she's comfortable with) Which I knew she would say so. Forcing her only makes her not want to so something even more. My FMIL has invited my family down to her house twice and both my parents have been. However they are very much save face types. So they went to ensure it looked good. My FMIL brought up a Christmas gift that she "apparently" received from my mum. Foolishly I forgot to tell my mum what I brought as my mum received a gift from FMIL and told me to get something and give to her from my mum. My FMIL was so hurt that the gift didn't come from my mum. Which upset H2B 😞Not going to lie, my parents have no interest in being overly involved with my future In laws but I don't know how to make H2B understand we can't force my parents to do something they don't want to do.
Any advice welcomed. Especially as we have such a good relationship which is being tested beyond belief with the planning of this wedding.

6 replies

Latest activity by Sarah, 27 July, 2023 at 22:13
  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    The way I see it, you and your H2B chose to be in each other's lives, your parents did not. You can't force a relationship with someone you hasn't chosen to be in your life. You won't be friends with everyone you meet, some people just aren't your kind of people. It sounds like your families are civil with each other and would talk if they attended a joint event you host. That's more than some couples get. I'm not sure if any of that will help your H2B, but if he has ever been introduced to someone that he didn't want to be friends with, then he should understand the position your parents are in.
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  • Estina
    Savvy October 2024 Gloucestershire
    Estina ·
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    This is exactly what I have been trying to say to him. He just keeps saying but it's wrong. They should want to be in each others lives. They are gonna be family.
    I just feel like, the image He has in his head about how close the families will be has really thrown him through a loop. He just can't get over it. Constantly keeps telling me, make them talk to my mum.
    I dunno what else he wants me to do 🙈
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  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    But they won't be family, you and him will become a family. If he has had this image in his head of how it will look, then it must be hard to come to terms with. As long as you don't force your parents into uncomfortable situations and it doesn't come between you as a couple, then he may get used to it over time.
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Your fiance needs to realise that life isn't a Hollywood movie!

    Yes, some in-laws do become best friends. By the time one of my friends got married, her parents were so friendly with his parents that the four of them headed off for a holiday together while my friend and her new husband were on honeymoon! But that is the exception, not the rule!

    I can understand your OH wanting some big happy family fantasy, but he does need to accept that real life is not always like that. If your respective parents are civil to each other, that is the most you can expect (and a lot of couples would give anything to have their parents reach that stage!) Even small children have their own opinions on who they will be friends with - ask any parent who has tried to make a small child 'like' their best friends children! Your parents are not small children, they are adults who are more than capable of making their own decisions about friendships.

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  • Estina
    Savvy October 2024 Gloucestershire
    Estina ·
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    I agree.
    He has finally spoken to his mother about this and she was upset, she told him that selfishly she's envious of all her friends who have great relationships with the new parents in law ( like you said going on holidays) she wants to join in and say that it's all fun and games everyone loves each other.
    She did put it down to my parents being "younger"Than her and not thinking this is an important thing to do.She said she will take a step back and just see how things pan out. I will wait to see how long this will last
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  • Sarah
    Rockstar August 2024 West Midlands
    Sarah ·
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    Good evening!


    Seems like you’re going through it a little bit. I can see where the difficulty is. Unfortunately my parents and my in laws used to get on (until they just randomly decided they didn’t want to anymore and cut all ties!) my parents ended up being jealous of my in laws but for no reason either as they’re completely on par. Now the relationship is fragmented and ultimately I was made to decide between my H2B and his in-laws or a relationship with my own parengs. I know you wish they’d all get on and have this relationship but if I can reassure you on anything, not everybody has that! There’s always way more than meets the eye! I wouldn’t stress it x
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