MOH Issues *bit long*

It's really your choice wether you have 1 MOH or 3, if you don't have the other 2 would you regret it??? I think your 1st MOH sounds like a nightmare, we all have busy lives but she did accept your invitation to be this at your wedding. I had 1 MOH initially as it was down to cost, I then decided to ask another friend to be bridesmaid as we had money within our budget. My MOH did ask me why I was also asking my other friend, she wanted to know why I wanted her too. Do what you want for your wedding x

Honestly, I think that's one way to skin the cat. However, if it was me, I'd just tell her I completely understand that she is busy with work and her wonderful boys, and that she can be a bridesmaid.

You aren't being unreasonable to ask for her to be polite.

You've been very understanding! You must be a saint!

I think you've made a good suggestion - either downgrade her to BM or upgrade the others.

As a trainee teacher i'm shocked she accepted the position :/ teaching is ridiculously time consuming (i shouldn't even be here now, i just needed something to avoid brain meltdown) as is being a mum- and i have a husband and parents to help me, so it must be even harder as a single mum!!! i know it's an honour to be asked and the bride may be a little hurt if you decline, but surely it's better to decline and mildly upset than to accept and cause problems and hugely upset??? i could never accept an MOH position whilst training or in my NQT year and i'd have to think long and hard about if i could afterwards; i really cannot fathom why she'd accept when she must have known she wouldn't be able to fulfil the role in the way most brides expect?

i think bumping the others up sounds like a really lovely compromise! are you naming peoples and titles in the order of day? this could be an extra bit of recognition to the newly appointed ladies to show your appreciation of their help

hope it all works out lovely!

back to the grindstone...................................................

Talk to her as if your sympathetic, explain you understand how busy her life is and ask if she wants she can make her bridesmaid instead of MOH so it gives her less stress? She sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

Ask her if she would prefer to just be BM and see what she says? Maybe that's more convenient for her.
Or upgrade them all. What do you consider the MOH duties to be? Some people just look at them as the same BM so maybe she thought that was the case? Could be worth asking her.

It sounds like she is very busy and didn't want to let you down rather than she has been malicious or not cared. I think it is really nice how she delegated the organisation of the hen do to another BM so she didn't have to trouble you explaining she was too busy to manage it. I can see how you would be annoyed about not transferring the money through...I think that when it is your wedding/hen do etc it seems like it should be at the top of everyone's to do list and unfortunately other people have more pressing things to do. I felt the same when my hen was being organised, there were days when my BMs didn't reply to my messaged straight away and I found it annoying, but then realised they both have very busy lives.

If it was me I would just say to her that maybe it would be best if she was a BM and not maid of honour, and not replace her as you have already said. I would find it strange having 3 MoH's but that is my personal preference, I am just having my two old best friends as BMs as I didn't want any sort of hierarchy thing going on, but it depends how traditional you are I guess? Depends whether you are having an order of the day with roles etc - if you are not it will only really be you and them and close others who know exactly who is doing what really! A friend of mine recently had best women instead of BMs, it is just what you are calling them I suppose! Good luck x

Thanks Mrs W,

This is what I've been thinking more and more! She knows me and I would not have been offended in the slightest if she told me she couldn't do it. She doesn't have to prove anything to me.

I did have to take a step back and think "Are you being a 'zilla Chelsea?!" and in all honesty I don't think I was asking for very much as it was all being organised by someone else and everyone was told the deadline at the beginning of the month. I knew I had morning meetings so I transferred the money the day before. The project manager in me and my other BM dictates hella forward planning!

I also get that the world doesn't stand still for our wedding. I'm not one to make a big fuss over what I want. I would just rather know about any problems before they become massive elephants in the room!

x

I feel a bit iffy about doing this, simply because I know the reaction will be very defensive and it will be like I'm taking something away from her. I will have to talk to her about it though as just see what she says.

All the actual booking stuff is done really, the hen is now being planned so it will be night before and on the day stuff I'm worried about :/

x

Hi there,

i have a slightly different take on this, having been a single mum and a full time teacher, until meeting my fiancé and having lots more help. it doesn't sound like your friend has been nasty or malicious, just under pressure and overwhelmed. I think passing it over to another friend is sensible, it's not like she pretended to organise it and then left everyone in the lurch.

My best friend got married when my boys were little and I had recently started teaching. I was her maid of honour but to be honest, there wasn't a lot I could do to help practically, I had very little time or emotional capacity. The other bridesmaid did more. At no point did my friend mention this, she was just glad I could be part of it. On her wedding day, one of my children became quite ill and I had to leave early. That's what being a single parent is like. My friend is not a kids person, she chose not to have any and I am sure she found it hard to relate, but I hope she understood I was doing my best.

Yes, you have been patient. But I also think you are being a bit insensitive. I suspect if you go on to balance a young family and job, even with the support of your future husband, you are going to look back and feel a bit bad. And she is doing it alone. On that Friday morning, she will have had to get up and get three people ready and then at school you can't even use you phone, so it's more complicated than just refusing to answer texts. Yes she could have been more organised, but who knows what else was going on?

By all means promote other people if you think it's necessary (I don't see what anyone gains, it's just a title change?) but please take it from me, things are probably tougher for your friend than you imagine. Of course your childless friends have more capacity to care about your wedding, but that doesn't mean your friend isn't a good one. I hardly have time to plan my own wedding, let alone think about someone else's.

I don't think you are being deliberately insensitive, but I do think you are underestimating your friends circumstances and should show a little more compassion.

Hope the planning continues to go well ?

Having done a PGCE myself. I do appreciate how little time your MOH must have for wedding stuff. The point is, if she thought she couldn't cope she could have declined the role, or just made clear when she accepted that she wouldn't be able to be as involved as she would ideally like. This is what my MOH did, she has been involved in very little to do with our wedding and I completely understand. She's still my MOH and my bestie no matter what.

Another thing to add- I resent this notion of 'the OP is childless so has no idea' argument that one or two replies have hinted at. If you choose to have kids, don't then think you're a martyr because you have to spend time looking after them and think that others have no idea. It's unfair. Plus, just because someone doesn't have kids doesn't mean they don't have busy lives too. I don't have kids of my own but I'm a carer for a severely disabled relative who lives 100 miles away as well as being a full time teacher. I too treat Hitched as a bit of escapism.

I resent that comment, I go by many names, nobody was saying they are a martyr. I simply offered a bit of my personal experience, and did not suggest anyone does not have a busy life. Of course some people with no children have hugely busy lives. I did not complain for one second about looking after my children (what a horrible thing to say) but on a practical level it's hard to be in two places at once.

i could completely relate to the MOH in question, so added a different point of view.

This is what I was referring to, especially that last comment. You may have intended to show a different perspective, but it does come across as if nothing the OP, or anyone who is childless, can say would measure up as their lives can't possibly be as busy, which just isn't true. Its belittling to people that don't have kids which is just unfair.

The OP said that her other friends have more time and that's what I was referring to. I certainly wasn't talking about all people with children v all people without children, at no point was this a general conversation about having children, just in this specific example.

i am sorry to the OP if you feel belittled, I was just responding as I had been in a similar situation. It's crazy to suggest I was implying some sort of superiority.

My best friend to whom I referred has a high flying international career and no kids- I would never suggest she or ANYONE had less of a life in any way!

However, there is clearly some sort of issue currently for the MOH and that's what we were talking about.

Sorry to weigh in but I think your response to Sums2b was unnecessarily harsh IGBMN & actually quite bitter. Of course you're entitled to your opinion but I don't think Sums2b was trying to imply that those with children have busier lives or superior she was merely relating her OWN experience in comparasion to the OP's MOH- which to me seems quite similar.I Imagine being a single mother with a full time job is difficult & chaotic at times. But that doesn't mean other people aren't run off their feet too it's just different lifestyles & circumstances.

On reflection I suppose my comment did sound quite bitter so my apologies to Sums2b. I get it quite a lot at work, lots of females with kids and I am childless and many of them look down on me and other childless people as if they're somehow superior just because they chose to have kids and have a hard time looking after them. So Sums2b's arguments reminded me of them and this unfair argument that just because someone doesn't have kids means they have lots of time to do 'trivial' things like wedding planning and childless people can't possibly understand how mega busy being a parent must be, which as I said is unfair.

The point is the OP's MOH is not just too busy to take the role full on but is actually inconveniencing the OP with regards to the hen do and from the sounds of it isn't very apologetic about it either. If it was me I wouldn't 'downgrade' her as such but I would delegate more responsibilities to the other BMs and then show my appreciation for their hard work by getting them a really thoughtful thank you present. I'd still get a thank you present for the MOH but I'd make sure the BMS who put all the work in felt appreciated. As some others have said, it's just a title and what you decide to call them really.

Hi all,

Firstly thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. It has really helped, even the differences of opinion!

I'm going to meet up with my MOH for a coffee and a chit chat and I'm just going to ask her how she feels about it all and if she would rather be a BM to take the pressure off. The last thing I want is for her to feel under pressure to do things or add stress to her already packed schedule. I think by me mentioning it first she will be more likely to say what she really feels and then we can come to a suitable compromise. ?

x