MOH... Problem again

I don't think you should be upset with her, she's only be honest with you and if she can't afford her bills then that's got to be more important than going on a hen do. That does sound very expensive and I do find it annoying when people book their stag and hen on the same weekend. However if they can only afford one of them to go then surely she should go to your hen as she's your MOH.

Just tell her your OH wanted to invite her OH but completely understands if he can't make it.

Did you arrange the hen do yourself?

Yeah, it does sound expensive, but if only one of them can't go, that doesn't mean that she won't come, it could just as well be her OH.

Totaly get that it's expensive. And have said to her that my oh completely under stands. I Don't want her to be skint through our wedding and it's far more important for her to be there on the day then any hen do.

Kind of a group thing booking it but I personaly booked it.

For me it always the way she says that she can't go that gets me down not the fact that she can't go it's never in a nice way in my opinion. im just about to send her this, but I don't want to offend her or anything.

Hey hun totally understand if it's all too much money for you to go to hen and stag do. And the only thing that's really important and means a lot to me is that you are there to share & be there for me on one of the most important days of my life. I don't want you to struggle with money for our wedding that's not what we want. If you feel it's too much money I understand if you can't come and am more then happy for us to do something together that's cheaper for you.

With the regards to my oh stag do being on the same day he has to work around a group of guys all with children so it's hard to get them all together and it's a shame that it happens to be difficult for one of them and my MOHs partner but unfortunately for him it's more important that his brother who won't be able to attend the wedding to come. And I know what ever day it is my Moh wouldn't be happy about it as she already had told me in person she doesn't want him to go on my oh stag do and I have already said that we will understand.

all I want is to ensure that everyone is happy and I don't want to piss anyone off and I'm just finding it hard to do so which is really getting me down :-(

To be honest it is a lot of money and, personally, i wouldn't want to spend that much on a hen do. It does add up especially if you have more than one wedding to go to...

She shouldn't be moaning at you though! She should have told you from the beginning that it was going to be a problem financially. There's no shame in that. But complaining to you is really a bit silly!

You'll have a lovely hen do anyway.

I know it sounds expensive but is for four nights and includes all food. if you go out for one night to a posh resturants down south and then go out could easily cost you that in a night.

Would you feel offended as MOH if the bride paid for you to go on the hen do?

I keep getting told that she can't afford it so I want to help her out and pay it so she can enjoy it but I don't want to offend her.

how would you feel?

Sorry but i don't think the down south it's expensive argument is helpful.

It might be a 4 day event but you're assuming that she's happy with that. Maybe she doesn't want to take time off work as she needs the holiday? THere are lots of reasons why this is not a convenient hen do for her to attend.

It's not cheap and a 4 day jaunt is in my humble opinion quite a big ask. Personally, i would decline such a hen do although as the MOH i would have raised my concerns much earlier. I think it's unfair on you that she didn't.

Anyway back to your question... I wouldn't be offended that you're offering to pay but i'd feel like you're not giving me a choice with regard to the holiday allowance. Personally, i would not accept the offer of you paying but your MOH may jump at it. I guess you know her best?

Have you paid for things in the past? are you sure she's not manipulating you into paying for her?

It's very sweet of you to think of doing that. I'm not sure it's the best use of your money to be perfectly honest with you. Hen do's are fun, but you'll still have your friends after the wedding. It's not going to be the last piss up you have together.

I agree with Halloweeny. It is a lot of money and the 4 days is a long time especially if you have kids etc. However, like you said you asked her about it before booking it so it is not a surprise to her. In her defense though, at the time of booking she could well have been in a very different situation to what she is in now and, nobody is as excited about your wedding as much as you are, and this is the case for all brides, so remembering to put £10 a side each month for over a year for someone else's hen do was probably not at the forefront of her mind when there is other things going on in her life.

In regards to how she is saying she can't afford it as opposed to actually saying she can't afford it, could it be a bit of embarrassment? If it were me and i was the MOH and knew about it along time and my financial situation had changed and i couldn't afford it i probably won't say so in a very nice way either due to embarrassment of not having the money (although there is nothing to be ashamed of) and also letting my friend the bride down, so it could come across as defensive or not very nice. If you keep reminding her of the money being due and she is having to repeat herself of the fact that she can't afford it my also be the reason for her saying it in a not very nice way. Maybe her financial situation is worse than she has disclosed to you which again could be a reason why she has a go at her OH before he goes on stag dos as its more to do with the expense as opposed to him actually going out.

I personally do not like people paying for me as i hate to feel like a burden on anyone so if you offered to pay for me then i would decline, however, only you can answer the question of whether she would get offended by you offering or not.

Hope it all works out, and you have a lovely time.

Your MOH has told you before that she can't afford to go even though she said at the time of booking that it will be fine. If you can afford the £150+ then offer to pay for it. She might feel offended/belittled or she might think it's a sweet gesture. You know your friend better than we do. I offered to pay for my friends (flights and accommodation) for my wedding, but they declined on the grounds of pride, which is fair enough.

£150 and four nights is a lot of time and money for many people. Your comments regarding how she could have saved £10/month or that it's just a posh meal and drinks afterwards seems to misunderstand your friend's position. It sounds like she doesn't have money to pay her bills - let alone saving up or going to a posh meal.

If you think it's appropriate and you can afford it, offer to pay for your MOH. However, if she declines this and cannot afford it then gracefully accept this. It is difficult for most people to admit they can't afford something.

Thanks for your comments! It's all sorted now! i hope I didn't come across nasty or anything or anything I was just down about it and not being able to please everyone! but every time I asked her if it was ok she would say yes when it wasn't. I have now paid for her and it was emotional we both had a cry. She said she will pay me back. And she is very greatfull. It was a nice emotional experience and we both feel a lot happier about it all.

so thanks for your comments :-)

Come a bit late to this but glad it's all sorted. From her reaction crying when you offered to pay, sounds like your poor friend was in dire straits financially but wanted to come.

You're a great friend to offer to pay for her. Goodness knows weddings are expensive enough. Normally it's the bride that expects to be paid for on a hen do (which I have never been comfortable with). You make a refreshing change!

Hope you have a great 4 day hen do. Very jealous!

Happy you were able to sort it out.

Money is a funny thing, whilst yes people are able to save, there are so many other things that can take our monthly wages away from us, things we are not always too happy to admit especially to those closest to us, so the only way that it can be explained is in what sounds a harsh way.

Have a wonderful time