motb causing problems

I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable - I understand why your mum will be uncomfortable having her ex’s new girlfriend there, but you are not responsible for this.

If I try to play devil’s advocate and look at it from her perspective, she’s probably been dreading seeing the new girlfriend at the wedding, but has perhaps made peace with it by feeling like she can keep her distance etc., but she won’t be able to do that at a close family meal. Therefore it’s possible that her response to you was a knee jerk reaction brought on by months of panic and worrying that her personal plan to keep herself away from the girlfriend will now not work.

However, that does not mean that you should change your plans.

I would suggest talking to her calmly, explaining your rationale for inviting the girlfriend, and being very reassuring that she won’t have to sit with her, she’s still your mum, etc, but ultimately it is her choice as to whether or not she comes.

You are not being unreasonable as you are entitled to invite anyone you like to wedding events. I can understand that it could be difficult for her to see the new girlfriend but that is her issue and she shouldn't be pushing it onto you. Problems between parents should never become a problem for the children.
It's not nice of her to try and make you choose. I suggest saying you love her and want her to be there but you can't force her. She may be trying to manipulate you to uninvite the girlfriend but will still ultimately come no matter what.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - you can't really leave your father's new partner out of the rehearsal dinner without hurting your father's feelings, but I also understand how your mother is feeling. It's probably hard enough to think of seeing her ex and his new partner at your wedding, but she's psyched herself up for that because it's your special day, and there will be more people around etc, etc. Now she's confronted with also having to see them at a small family lunch the day before, and it probably just feels too much.

With hindsight, it might have been better not to have the family lunch, but it would be difficult to cancel if you have already invited everyone. As @Sarah says, I think the best solution is to explain to your mother that you can't uninvite your father's girlfriend and offer what reassurance you can. Make sure she knows that you will understand and accept her decision if she doesn't feel able to come.

I know you will be sad if she is not at the lunch, but I think it might help if you reframe it as her not coming because she is too upset rather than because she is selfish. Obviously, none of us know your mother, and maybe she is just using this as an opportunity to manipulate and push your dad's girlfriend out. But it's very likely that she is just reacting out of pain and anxiety over how she will cope - try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Not coming to the rehearsal lunch doesn't mean she doesn't love you xxx

Thanks ladies, you all make a really good point in that it must be awkward for my Mum. Good to know I’m not being unreasonable though.


I think I need to have words with my Dad too as it transpires he has said he doesn’t want Mum to say more than Hello to his partner 🤦🏼‍♀️ this definitely isn’t going to help matters! I still haven’t spoken to Mum again but I think I’ll tackle Dad first. Families hey 🙄🙄

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Oh my goodness, if he's said that to your mum, no wonder she doesn't want to come to the lunch - how incredibly awkward and anxiety-inducing to have to sit through a meal at what will presumably be a smallish table with someone you aren't allowed to speak to...

Sounds like some people need reminding that if they are old enough to have a daughter who is old enough to marry, then they are way too old to be behaving like primary school kids!

Could you maybe creat a seating plan for the meal the night before that keeps them all on opposite ends of the table and mixed in with FH’s family? That way they don’t have to speak to each other and they will have other people to talk to who will hopefully act as natural buffers for any potential awkward encounters.


I’m doing this for our meal the night before as we have a slightly awkward situation too.
My FH’s parents are divorced (amicably) and both have new partners, but so far his dad’s gf has refused to meet my FH’s mum, even though they’ve been divorced for over 10 years! I think it ultimately comes down to her just being nervous and not wanting to get off on the wrong foot with anyone, but it’s turned into a big thing over several years.
I’ve created a seating plan for the meal so that FH’s dad’s gf isn’t sat next to/near my FMIL and can then participate in the meal without feeling too anxious hopefully.

That’s really helpful, thanks. I’m definitely going to suggest a seating plan and see what sort of response I get. Although I think just the fact that my Dads partner is there at all will be the problem.


After speaking to my Dad, he apparently didn’t say that all Mum can say is hello…as expected things have got a bit twisted! Mum had asked to meet his new partner 1 to 1 before the wedding and he said no he wants to be there too and then said surely there’s not much more to say than “Hi, nice to meet you.”
I totally agree that this is primary school games and am not looking forward to having to speak to Mum about it later!!

I think everyone seeing each other before the wedding for dinner is a good idea. It does mean any awkwardness can be got out the way before the wedding. If the first time your parents and the new gf meet is at the service, what could the reaction be? Tears, refusal to sit in a certain place, rudeness? It is likely to be difficult for everyone. Some parents splitting up gets horrible, but that's not your fault, esp after a number of years, they all need to put the differences behind them, for the sake of their children and future grandchildren. X