Mother in law advice

Is H2B asking you to make more of an effort? She is his mum so my first thought was why can't he keep her updated. Is she just wanting to know things or wanting to help make the decisions? If it's the former then you could say you want things to be a surprise for your guests so you are not sharing many details. If it's the latter then you need to decide as a couple how much you want external opinions. I don't think there is anything wrong with how you have been going so far but you may just need the boundaries clarifying.

I was the opposite because I'm really close to my MIL so she knew everything about our planning but I only spoke to my Mum a few times during our engagement and she never really asked about it or react to what I told her. She text on our wedding day asking to see me before the ceremony because she hadn't felt involved and I got annoyed because she hadn't tried to be involved.

It's such a tricky one because typically MOB is more involved in the "fun" or "girly" side of planning and there isn't much of a role for the groom's family traditionally whereas the bride's parents do get to be very involved.

I honestly think it depends how close you are to her, and how close FH is. If you're not close, then don't invite her to things like your dress fitting or getting ready because that's so personal and should be something you're closest people only are with you for to support you. If FH is close and wants to include her, why doesn't he see if she would like to go suit shopping with him?

I have a tricky FMIL, FH also isn't massively close with her, and she has a very different opinion to us as to what a wedding should be... so we've been navigating this a bit as we don't want her super involved but also don't want to risk a feud by looking like we are overtly cutting her out.

In terms of general wedding decisions, we made the big decisions like venue etc ourselves, but try to offer little bits of opinion to MOG e.g. last time we saw her I told her we needed to decide ice cream flavours and what's her favourite so I can make sure it's included? We also try to tell her about decisions we've made so she feels more up-to-date and in the loop than just a guest, but we're past the point of deciding so she doesn't feel like she can influence choices we want to make ourselves.

My FMIL only has sons, so she really wanted to be involved with the wedding but I only wanted my family at my dress day. But I didn’t want her to feel too left out so once I’d chosen my dress I made a big deal of showing her and her sister a photo over a glass of wine at a “girls’ lunch”. She then offered to sort out our cake for us, and as that’s not something I’m that bothered about, I was happy for her to arrange it (with support from FH, meaning they get to spend time doing something wedding-related together).

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Well mine is the same. She has 2 boys.
I only want my mum, nan and sister at my dress fitting. It's such a special moment that I get to share with them that I feel like I don't want anyone else there. That might be selfish but when my parents got married my nan made my mum's dress and I was the only 1 born then. It was such a nice bonding moment for them. When my sister go married we all cried when she found the dress. It was just me, her mum and nan. I want our tradition.
I have another issue whereby my FMIL is 15/16 years older than my mum. They have nothing in common and my mum and my nan (who is closer to my FMIL age) finds her to be very hard to get on with. Always trying to impress.
I'm not gonna lie she has asked if she can help with anything but my family is so big I've got most things covered.
She actually said this side of the family can help to.
I have no doubt they can, I just need to ensure things are how I want them.
She gave H2B 10k which I told him not to take cos it came with strings which consisted of guests neither of us wanted. Please don't get me wrong. The money has come in handy but her behaviour put a spur taste in my mouth. So since then I have found it hard to really talk to her.

Do a couple of private dress fittings with mum and Nan, others don’t need to know that you are doing it and then take your fiancés mum to a couple just for a day out and a coffee. Ask your fiancé if he can also include her and ask her ideas on suits, shoes, stag do ideas etc. if she hasn’t got daughters of her own this is her chance to feel like a mother of the bride and she is probably excited about gaining a daughter. Take it as a compliment and compromise where you can on the parts of your wedding you feel she’ll have a positive outlook and opinion. If she makes you feel bad dress shopping then that’s not ok, take her cake tasting instead all very difficult but marriage is the merging of two families so try and keep it light and fun for everyone on the surface and do the important bits on the quiet with your close ones x

It is a tough situation but I agree with Chloe. At the end of the day it is your decision who comes to the dress appointments with you. Also bridal shops don't like too many people coming as it can get too much.

Perhaps find other ways you can include her, like could she come to an open day with you? or if you are having a 'family hen' could she help with that, or are you doing anything the day before, could she help there.

I'm quite lucky that my FMIL is very chill and I get on with her very well. She didn't come to my dress shopping or fittings, but she never mentioned it being a problem, she gave us some money for the wedding too. We have asked her to be a witness and to do a reading at the church, so I think she's happy with that involvement. I also let her pick out the poem she is reading.

I think you will need your H2B to help manage this as its his mum. He needs to understand that his mum cannot always be involved and he needs to manage her expectations. The dress shopping is your choice and he needs to help you set boundaries with his mum.

So an update on this situation.
FMIL has since told me our wedding colours are all wrong because I should have had green as it is her and H2B favourite colour.
Never mind that I don't like green and H2B and I love blue and that's what we are having.
She has now told me I'm selfish because FFIL is unable to come to the wedding cos I chose a venue too far away. ( FFIL lives in a nursing home and we chose the venue together)
She then said she was like a separate opportunity to have photos in our attire. All family and FFILI said no problem I will let my family know we will be doing it.She lost it......its not about you. Its about H2B and his father.All she's done is make me feel like rubbish.She wasn't like this before we got engaged.
My stress levels are so high.

Hugs. I'm so sorry that what should be a happy time for you is becoming so stressful.

Just a thought - it doesn't excuse her behaviour, but do you think this might be the result of stress over FFIL being in a nursing home? Maybe feeling she's 'lost' her husband and is now struggling to cope with 'losing' her son? As I say, no excuse, but it might explain why she has had this sudden switch in behaviour.

Is your fiancé standing up for you? As long as he's handling this right, that's all that matters - family issues are always likely to crop up, but as long as the two of you can deal with issues together, as a team, and have each other's backs, you'll weather the storms.

View quoted message Yknow what, I don't know. I know she told us we were selfish for having a wedding so far away from where my FFIL is in his nursing home. However that was a compromise we made as we wanted to get married abroad also we tried to look for venues that would fit our vision and there just wasn't one where they live. We also didn't realise he would deteriorate as quickly as he has, as we planned on having him there.
The idea of her feeling like she is losing her son it ridiculous to me. I have never stopped her from spending time with her son. She did make some ridiculous comment on how since he met me he hardly comes home. I did say to her well that's on him because I'm at home with my parents alone often, so that has nothing to do with me.
Shes also pissed off because our venue has 16 rooms in it and we decided that it needed to have wedding party and direct family. His mum doesn't want to share a room with her sister because she wants her own room. She has spoken about how this is unfair. Now I have 1 extra room because all my bridesmaids are all married so we said their partners have to stay too especially as its a 3 day long event. 2 of his family members are coming and staying with 4 kids between them. We have had to make sure the kids have a space. My H2B has 2 of his friends in the house along with their wives which means his mum can have her own room. Shes kicked off about if his father was to be here she'd have her own room and he said yes. She keeps talking about my nan. However my room allocations fit. I am 1 over because my bridesmaids are married. His 2 best men are single so they said they would share. She keeps saying I need to make someone in my family share so she can have her own room. Everyone in my family but my nan is married.
My parents have said they would like to be up in the area a couple days before the wedding to ensure everything is okay. Maybe we can all get an airbnb. Us,them, FMIL and my h2b auntie. Everyone was fine with that. Now it's to find a place to stay which doesn't mean them having to sharing yet again. His mum was like, my father can sleep on the pull put sofa bed and I share with my mum and her, her son and her sister get the bedrooms as my family have taken over the house for the wedding. My parents said its fine we will get our own apartment. I honestly feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. She told H2B that she's worried that when grandchildren come I didn't reassure her that my parents would see the children more than her. She told him she just looked and me and ignored me. Her parents seem to be more important to her than me. Honestly I'm losing the will to live. I can't win. Someone tell me this will stop once the wedding is over because it was never like this until we got engaged 💍
I'm laughing about it because I can't believe this is all over a wedding 🤣

MILs can be a difficult topic (or just difficult).

The fact you've already invited her to things and she says no then complains later is quite rude. And the fact she tries to exclude your nan is also not on, shes your nan, not hers.

You can keep her updated to a certain point but you don't have to show her your dress until everyone else sees it, thats your choice to make. Its your day.

Wedding planning is stressful enough without your MIL pulling faces at your potential dress. And it is definitely not selfish to just want certain people there.

Thats my plan as I only want certain people at my dress fitting (I also worry about the faces being pulled from my FMIL).

Can she not go suit shopping with H2B?

Reading a bit further down, wow is all I can say! She is aware that it is not her wedding?

What does H2B make of all this drama that shes causing?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this

Yknow what this whole situation is a strange one. In my new family they don't tend to tell each others the truth in a bid to save feeling which is fine. However its not when she just does what she wants.
I did suggest she go suit shopping with them however I know that when she looks at him she sees a cute little boy.
We had to go and change his suit for a friend's wedding because the 1 she said looked good just didn't fit him aswel as it should and he didn't want to hurt her. That annoyed me cos it cost more money to change it. I'm sooo big on respect that I have been brought up not to say anything to people of a certain age. This I'm calling nanny age. 70s plus which FMIL is.
She is 100 aware its not her wedding however she doesn't care.

So this has finally come to a head over the weekend. We took FMIL and auntie to the church and venue.
FMIL and auntie loved the church however she made a huge deal out of the fact that it wasn't a catholic church ( we tried and tried to get a catholic church however I was told that I was to concerned about how pretty the church looked) I left that.
Then we took them to our wedding venueWOW!!!! By the end of the trip I was left feeling like I needed to stand up for myself and my family. I am quite direct when I speak so I felt very under attack during the visit. I could feel the tears building but I refused to let them fall. Alot of this is petty I know but I've kinda had enough. FMIL took a look around the venue and said oh yes it's lovely - however it's a same "daddy" (H2B father) won't be here. At first everyone was gracious about it, by the 4th time she said it, she directed it to me "your planning didn't really include him did it?" 😤 This was far from the truth.I got set upon because I was very clear that me and H2B are working through ideas of mixed tables.He wants I don't. I'm trying to explain that on my side we don't really agree with that. I am of the idea that people stay with their family groupings and friends because everyone wants to have fun. I feel when people are with their groups they take better pictures and have better memories. Mixed tables make for awkward interactions. Well that went down like a led balloon. FMIL and the auntie told me it needs to be mixed as it will look very black and white.I said its going to look like that anyways. We are a mixed couple. I was told me and my family were ridiculous. FMIL stated well we want it mixed and I think we should get something we want at this wedding as everything has been based around you and your family needs. 😤I let that 1 go. We had initially planned to get an airbnb as my H2B family want everyone to be together before the wedding. However there was issues sounding this as FMIL doesn't want to share room with her sister (the auntie) so finding a cheap place where they both had their own rooms was difficult. FMIL made is very clear it wasn't what she wanted to do as if FFIL was coming we would have to get more space. However if that was the case the auntie wouldn't be there. We then found out we have a space within the grounds for 2 days before the wedding.This space has 2 bedrooms and a pull out space in the living room.FMIL said well maybe your parents should stay on the pull out bed in the communal area. Or maybe they may not want to come I could feel my temper raising My reply was I can't really see my mum leaving me on my own days before I get married and on my birthday FMIL said well you won't be you will be with us your family I saw Amber by this point......I said my parents are my family she said for now She then said I expect your parents to be social and talk to us as I won't let them go off and do their own thing. She then asked me what do you plan on doing with your mum the Friday (my birthday) I said my mum has organised a something for me and her and she lost it and so did the auntieWe all should be included you guys don't seem to understand that you can't just spend time with your parents and I quote "You have to start involving us your new family. Your family need to realise they are not the most important ones because if FFIL was coming none of your family would be able to get a look in"I saw red now and I lost it.
I just said yknow our families are different I haven't excluded anyone. My mum is the mother of the bride her one and only chance. It is not my fault that you have 2 boys and you have felt that i owed you a whole experience. Please stop yelling at me. The saddest part was all this happened on the anniversary of me and H2B. Our 7th being together anniversary I was in stress mode cos I had to fight fires with a bucket with holes in it. I get it, she's hurt about her own life partner, however none of this is my fault. H2B tries to help but then she yells at him and says he takes my said so to save their relationship I tell him to leave it.
Stress levels are stupidly high. I saw my parents yesterday and my uncle and I just broke down which didn't go well with my mum.
FMIL is really struggling but I've also had enough

I'm so sorry - what a horrible time you are going through.

It sounds as if there is a lot going on in her head that is nothing whatever to do with you. I honestly don't think you can do any more than you have done to keep the peace - in your place, I'd just try to keep my head down and hope this all blows over after the wedding.

I hope you and your OH are able to take some time out together to recharge after this stressful time. Maybe take a break from wedding planning for a day or two and just chill out and recuperate, ready for the next 'round' with the family!

Hi Estina,

WOW, I'm so sorry you are going through this, reading through all your posts it sounds like a living nightmare. Unfortunately I have no advice for you as I think I would have blown by now and been a guest down at my wedding (So you have the patience of a saint my lovely) I just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you to vent if needed (Its so much easier doing this with strangers I feel) Maybe seek more support from your H2B I understand this ends up putting him in a hard place but his family should not be making you feel this way at all. This time is supposed to be a fun and exciting experience with a little stress thrown in but when people are making it impossible for you to enjoy what should be planning one of the best days of your life something has to give.

I hope you are okay xxx