OK this is going to be a bit of a long one - I don't even know where to start!
Basically, to cut a long story short, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness a few months after my fiance and I met. I had a lot of time off work, I eventually gave up my job because it was too stressful and took a lower paid part time job. His mum made constant bitchy remarks about this, even though I could have given up work altogether but I chose not to. I then worked for a temp agency for a while because I was thinking long term it would be easier to explain to future employers rather than having gaps in my CV. All I ever got from her was "Another job? Did the last one get fed up of you and sack you then?". I would just like to point out here that I've never been sacked from a job in my life! First of all, she acted like my illness wasn't real because she'd never heard of it. My fiance then started randomly leaving leaflets and things in her house so she'd maybe educate herself a little bit. Her reaction to this was to pick up on one comment that being overweight can increase symptoms. So she told me to go on a diet. By the way, I'm a size 12 and she's a size 18!
I could go on all day about the all the things she's said, for example when we were on the way back from the hospital after me having an operation to try and treat my condition we had to stop at her house, she came out and tapped on the window and said "Are you better? Can you go back to work properly now?". People told me to just ignore her but it was really hard, especially when she was making out that I was lazy because that's really not the case. I've always worked hard and never been out of work, I felt like I had to constantly try and justify this to her even though it was none of her business. It got to the point where I would absolutely dread going to her house or to family parties, so I would just avoid going
One event I thought it would be rude to miss was her birthday, so we made an effort to go. Stupidly I actually wanted to try and impress her, so I made a real effort with her presents and got to the restaurant early to drop flowers off so they were on the table when she arrived. When I handed her presents to her, she said she wasn't opening presents at the table. She then preceded to open her presents from everyone else! My fiance pointed this out so she opened ours, a handbag almost identical to one she already had that I'd heard her say she wanted a new one as hers was looking old. In front of a table of 14 people, she said she didn't like it and did we have the receipt so she could take it back. After that, I was done!
My fiance didn't fall out with his mum and I didn't want him to, but he did naturally stop spending so much time at their house because I wouldn't go. I wasn't doing this to cause problems, I just really couldn't deal with it because she was so unpleasant towards me. She then told my fiance that I'd turned him against her and was ruining their relationship. He said that wasn't the case but how could she expect me to want to go to her house for her to be rude to me... Her answer to this was "you could come without her!". The thing is, my fiance has been married before and his ex wife didn't get on with his mum, but neither did most of his family so he never really saw his mum as being the problem. But with me, I get on with the rest of his family really well, it's only his mum that's the problem. And she's so rude to me even in front of other people that it's hard for him to defend her! He told her in no uncertain terms that if she couldn't be nice to me then she would have to deal with seeing a lot less of him
She went into a complete sulk about this and didn't speak to him for 3 months. During this time, he proposed to me! He'd tried to call his parents beforehand to tell them he was going to do it, as they were on a month long holiday, but they didn't answer so he sent them a text. He sent another text to tell them I said yes and got no response. Even when they got home, they didn't get in touch to say congratulations. When my fiance confronted them, they said they didn't have their phones on holiday with them so they didn't know. The thing is, my fiance's grandad had already told us she'd called him from holiday (from the mobile she'd left at home) and she knew we were engaged. So she lied to his face!
A few weeks after we got engaged, it was his 40th and I tried to arrange a nice family meal. His parents refused to come because his mum said he'd been disrespectful to her by accusing her of lying about not knowing about our engagement. Even though it was blatantly obvious she had! So they didn't come to the meal. Next was the engagement party, and we'd heard they'd told other members of his family they weren't going to come. We both went round there to try and resolve things once and for all, but it was a bit of a waste of time to be honest. She wouldn't admit that anything was her fault, and said she's never been rude to me. Whenever my fiance gave an example of something rude that she'd said, she'd just say "oh well this isn't getting us anywhere!". In the end, we just said let's put everything behind us and draw a line under it now. They agreed to come to the engagement party and we left it at that
The day before, she asked me if she could bring a tray of sandwiches for the buffet. My mum had offered to arrange the buffet weeks before and it was all under control, but I didn't want to offend her and push her out if she wanted to be involved so I said yes, of course she could do some sandwiches. Well, I'm not being funny, the way she acted on the night you'd honestly think she'd arranged the whole party, not just brought one tray of cheese butties! My mum and sister were getting to the venue early to decorate and they'd told me to go off and get my hair and nails done and relax getting ready. My future mother in law arrived early too, so when I got there and asked if there was anything I could do to help, her response was a very snappy "Ha! You haven't done anything to help so far so why start now?". It was already arranged that I was getting my hair done, all of these plans were made weeks in advance when she wasn't even speaking to us!
I was perfectly civilised though and didn't let it ruin my night, I thanked them for coming and for their help and everything was fine. Just after this, we moved into a new house not far from his parents. Every Monday night, when she knew my fiance got home late, she would turn up uninvited with some left over take away and say "this is for my son". As if I wasn't feeding him or something! Then one weekend she asked my fiance if she could go with him to see his children (they live 60 miles away with his ex wife, he goes to see them twice a week), he said yes but I was in work and he'd already arranged to drop me off on the way. She said this wasn't a problem, she'd drive and pick us both up and drop me off at work. She turned up on the morning, we got in the car and she handed my fiance a bacon sandwich and said "there you go, I've made you breakfast". Nothing for me! I know it may sound like a petty thing to be annoyed about, but it was more the fact that it was such a petty thing to do! I'd never treat anyone like that, I felt so uncomfortable for the whole journey (and a bit hungry too)
We avoided them for the next month or so and then sadly my fiance's grandfather passed away. They were really close and I thought the world of him too. When we got engaged and his parents didn't even congratulate us, his grandfather and his aunt (his mum's dad and sister) turned up with cards and balloons and took us for a celebratory meal. He was always really lovely and stuck up for me if he ever heard his daughter being rude to me. My fiance was absolutely devastated and took it really badly. His ex came to the funeral to pay his respects, which wasn't a problem at all as I know she knew him well and he was a lovely man. At the wake, his ex was stood talking to us when his mum appeared and said she was going home, gave his ex a massive hug like she was the daughter she never had (even though she hated her when she was with her son!), then literally looked me up and down and said "See ya". In front of his whole family, who'd listened to her slagging this woman off for years!
I didn't rise to it, she'd just buried her father, but a few weeks later my fiance went to see her and told her nothing had changed since the chat we had before the engagement party, she was still as rude to me as ever and it had to stop. He said he wouldn't have her upsetting me on my wedding day so she had to promise to be nice or not come - she said "fine then, I won't come". Since they had this conversation (8 months ago), he's only seen her a handful of times and I haven't seen her at all
The things she's done since have been extremely hurtful to my fiance, so it's gone beyond the issue with me now! First of all, she put their house (his childhood home where he lived all his life) up for sale without telling him, he had to see it in the local paper. Then, most disgustingly of all, she organised a memorial for his grandfather at his local bowls club and didn't invite him - but told the rest of the family she had! Then a letter for my fiance from a bank he was with years ago went to her house, and instead of calling us or bringing it to us, for some bizarre reason she took it to my parents house?! My parents know exactly how she's treated me and are quite angry about the whole thing, the last thing they wanted was her turning up on their doorstep leaving them no choice but to make small talk!
Things are now really awkward. We sent cards and flowers for Christmas, Mother's Day etc, and my fiance calls her every few weeks (normally after me nagging him to!). The conversations are always really difficult, like getting blood out of a stone. He hasn't discussed the wedding directly with her but she's told everyone, and I mean everyone, in his family that she won't be coming unless we both apologise to her
As much as she thinks it's me causing the issue, I actually said do you know what, let's just apologise and then it's all sorted. My fiance said no - he said if we apologise that's basically just accepting her behaviour and giving her permission to carry on treating me the way she does. I understand what he means, and the last thing I want is her making me feel uncomfortable on the big day, but at the same time they are his parents and no matter what he says I know deep down he'll be hurt if they don't come
More than anything I'm worried it will be like the engagement party, they will say they aren't coming and then change their mind at the last minute. By which point we will have given final numbers to the venue, drawn up table plans etc etc. I just don't want them to mess things up! Also, over the last year with losing his grandfather and falling out with his parents, we've both become really close to his aunt (his mum's sister, who took us for the engagement meal with his grandad). She's been fantastic with the wedding, really helpful and involved and we'd both like to honour her in some way on the big day. We wanted to have her on the top table, get her a present, include her in the speeches etc, as in the run up to the wedding she's been the closest thing he has to a mother and the closest I have to a mother in law! I'm worried she will get pushed out if his mum does decide to come, and I really don't want his mum taking all the credit for everything like she did at the engagement party when she's done nothing but cause stress and hassle for us!
So sorry for the long post - not sure anyone can really give any advice but I do feel better for having a rant! If you've managed to read all this then thank you!
