Mother of the bride issues.

Who is paying?

Oh no a pickle indeed !

I'm afraid I really can't be of any help here as (thankfully) Mum has only had one suggestion/interfere moment and that's actually about doing something en masse the day after the wedding so I don't really mind as it's not at all affecting the wedding.

When you say you have changed your dress idea- is it that you have dug your heels in and gone against your mum or have you backed down? What was the issue? I do hope you've not changed your mind and 'settled' for something just to appease others.... :0/

If your mum (or both parents) is paying for or contributing towards the wedding, then i think you need to discuss your options with her/them. Unfortunately, some parents do think that paying for or towards the wedding means that they get a say in the way it's spent. My parents offered to pay for our sit down meal (wedding breakfast), but they did want some say over how much they were willing to spend on it, which then resulted in limiting our choice of menu. Had we hated the menu choices in the price range they offered to cover, then we have either added to it or paid for it ourselves.

It sounds like you appreciate her perspective & that she's excited, keen & interested, but also realise that you need to put your foot down & have her see that it's your big day not hers. I guess for her she doesn't get the vegas thing, which is going to be hard. Plus, she's spent your entire life dreaming about your day, the dress shopping, etc, and it's not what she expected it to be. I think she just feels out of her comfort zone. (although things need sorting out!)

I think that if you are paying for your own wedding, then you get to do it your way & you really do need to sit down & have a good old chat with your mum about it. Your mum doesn't need to be involved in the booking of things/decision making, if you are the one footing the bill. You just need to be firm, explain your happy for her to walk you down the aisle, be mother of the bride, etc, but that you really want to may the day about you & your OH, not you, your OH and her. Can you ask her to do a reading at the ceremony or a speech with the meal - gives her something to do/focus on? Does she have any artistic talents that she could help with?

However, if you're arranging it all with her paying for it, then you need to either involve her in the decisions (and decide what compromises you're willing to make) or pay for it all yourself.

What exactly is it that your mum would prefer you do for your wedding and what is it about the wedding that you want, that she doesn't like?

I stand by the mantra that it's your wedding so you should have what you want, but I know its hard and you don't want to fall out with / upset your mum x

She's putting in half.

I picked the new dress because my original idea seemed tainted by the argument (as daft as that sounds). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the new dress. I just feel like it's a shame that we're fighting about every little thing. She almost mocks all of the ideas for personal touches we (me and OH) have. It's rubbish and it's taking a lot of the excitement out of it all.

Because we're on a budget I'd done a lot of research before we started planning and saw a lot of things that I liked for resonable prices online; a concept that my mum totally disapproves of despite it saving heaps of money.

I'm not sure what it's traditional for the mother of the bride to be a part of in terms of planning. She says that in terms of importance on a wedding day it goes: bride, mother of the bride, groom .... I'm not sold on that though. When would she be expecting me to put her before Pete?

[edit] The way the budget is working is, she's putting in what we're putting in. Me and OH worked out that for wedding, trip and spending money we'd need about £11000. My fella and I were willing to pay for it all but mum wanted to put in for it. When she says things like 'I want to buy the reception dinner' it's more of a symbolic moment but the money is coming out of the overall budget. Does that make sense?

Conflicting answer here (sorry) if someone is helping pay for the wedding yes it is nice to include them and ask for their opinion etc however, I do not think this gives them a right to make final decision on anything. For example with our parents I have said 'who would you like to invite?' I then said to them I would try my best to invite the people they wanted but ultimately it was down to me and OH - I think thats fair.

If they want to make all the decisions based on the fact that they're given us money...then keep the money.

I don't think I am harsh - everyone I know has had the same thoughts

It's hard as monther do think their role is important, try to keep the peace but make sure you are happy too

My parents have been very generous and I don't think our opinions differ too much but when they have I find my Mum very difficult. You have my sympathy but I can't offer any advice. I wish I knew how best this could be tackled.

Oh no, what a nightmare. Thankfully my OH has a lot of older sisters who have already had weddings so they're just along for the ride rather than contributing financially or otherwise.

I did quite fancy going and looking for dresses with my mum but we went inti Coast and I tried a dress on, that was in the general style of the one I wanted, and I go no reaction out of my mum. A girl trying on a prom dress in the cubicle next to us got more of an emotional response from her. That sucked. A lot. So I'm not sure I want to do the whole trying stuff on thing anymore

Thanks for all the words of wisdom so far, guys. I really appreciate it and greatly envy those of you with a good support system. You lucky devils!

Do you have any brothers or sisters or your Dad who you could speak to and help you by speaking to your Mum?

No. My family is literally me and my mum; I'm an only child and my Dad died years ago. I've spoken to it with OH and he tells me to do what I want cos it's my day but it doesn't feel as simple as that, I don't want to upset anyone.

Sorry, hope I didn't come across as insensitive. I think that all explains perhaps why you're Mum is acting in this way. Are there parts of your wedding you are happy to give her more responsibility for? That way maybe she'd be able to focus on that and it could be areas of your wedding you're not that bothered about.

I empathise; I recently gave my mum a save the date card I'd spent ages on, to be rewarded with a 'well... thats... nice' in the worst tone of voice ever. What's keeping me sane is a) not telling her too much so I can avoid negative comments and b) trying to keep things in perspective. At one point I was raging about her wanting to make the cake, until I realised it was the loss of control I was angry about, not the sodding cake! Keep the things that really matter for yourself, and let your mum fuss around the incidental details.

Also: drink muchos wine with your MoH and rant it all out - this is my strategy!

I didn't find you insensitive at all

To those in this difficult boat; I'm sorry things aren't going more smoothly. I am very gateful to hear that this situation is fairly common though

I asked a friend to be my maid of honour today so hopefully she can help difuse the tension a bit... I hope. It's daft really, I'm actually worried about telling her that I asked my friend to be MoH. I know wedding planning is stressful but jeeze.

I feel for you hun, my step-mum has reacted with complete indifference at every stage of planning so far which is very unexpected and quite upsetting. So has my sister, but I expected that. My dad has shown a bit of interest, but tbh its the OHs family who are really excited, which baffles me a bit as I am the only one out of me and my sister that ever wants to get married, whereas OH is one of 6! You'd think his mam wouldn't give a monkeys by the 6th kid, lol. Also, I totally feel you with the whole parents against internet shopping thing. My parents think any websites other that AOL or Marks and Spencers online are all crooked con men out to steal your identity and all your money ?

Anyway, Im sorry you're having a hard time with her atm. Maybe try what the magazines always suggest- pick an aspect of the day that you're not too fussed about, like the cake or the centrepieces or something, and make a big fuss of asking her to sort it as 'you're the best person for the job, I wouldnt trust anybody else with it, mum' blah blah blah. Focusing her attention on something else? You never know ? HTH x

My mum instantly jumped on me with a 'No! You can't do that!' Whn I said I was looking to get the dress online to stick to a budget, as she was looking forward to the whole wedding dress experience as well.

One way you could get away with the online dress shopping would be to have a weekend or few days where you can have the experience with your mum so that you can find the shape and style that suits you, rather than THE DRESS. It's like first hand research which you can take to your online shopping x

Not sure where she has got that from as it really isn't the case! Why would the mother of the bride be more important that the groom?! Surely the bride and groom come joint first?

I know it is difficult and you don't want lots of stress and upset but it your day and your husbands to be day. If she can't be trusted to take over or be negative about things maybe you need to start telling her what has been decided rather than asking her opinion?

If it's just you and your mum. There will be some fear here. She's losing you/ the relationship you have. Now she is maybe feeling that. If so she is handling it all wrong!

It's sad you feel she is mocking your choices, that must hurt. Part of me would say mock her back, lightly poke fun at the controlling mum who didn't give her daughter a chance to ask her to walk her up the aisle. But. I know that doesn't work (my mum mocks me, trying it back HUGE mistake until after an event).

Don't be afraid to show how excited about your ideas you are, how nice it is that you and your H2B are working on this together. If she is covering the meal, perhaps give her that area? Shunt a job to her (a detail that's not the key thing for the two of you). Maybe you do have a special meal in mind. But it you don't I realised when organising my second wedding I have NO recollection what I ate at my first. It might not help.

I hope you feel excited to be doing all this soon x