Mother of the Groom Hair & Makeup

Hi. I'm not organising make up for my MIL and I'm not aware of it being "the done thing". If your getting married at 12 your hairdresser will be pushed to get you all done on time anyway. I would just ignore the issue, your OH has said no and let that be the end of it! She will get over it and if she doesn't just keep repeating "I'm really sorry but there isn't time" x

I offered the make up lady to mr winters mum- not the hairdresser as she had none at the time and her wig was already styled- but i offered make up. she declined as the treatments she was on at the time had left her skin very sensitive and she didn't want to risk anything, but i would happily have either brought her to me or sent someone to her if she'd wanted.

i absolutely LOATHE this 'the MOG isn't part of the bridal party' stance personally. without this woman there would be no bridal party, as there wouldn't be a groom to warrant a wedding!!!!! the same as without your mum there'd be no bride!!!! she is every bit as important as the MOB.

no, hair and make up isn't always extended to the MOG and she certainly shouldn't kick off about it, but she has every right to feel important and to want to look her best. are you paying for your mum?

if it were me, i'd explain again that time is to pushed to have it done with you, but you're happy to help her find someone who will come to her and prettify. if you are paying for your mum, i'd explain you'll throw the same amount at MOG, but if the cost is any higher she needs to make up the difference, if you're not paying for your mum, point that out and say she'll have to pay her own way too. if you extend this offer you've done all you can and if she still wants to kick off about it all, tough. once you've treated them (MOG and MOB) as equally as you can, i don't see how she can complain further and if she does, then she's being childish and can just stew in her own sulk.

I didn't organise anything for my MIl. She'd arranged to get her hair done the morning of the wedding by her own hairdresser and she never wears much make up anyway so not really an issue for her I guess.

As far as I'm aware it's not the "done thing" to arrange for MOG hair and make up. You've already given her details of an alternative so I'd just leave it at that. If she wants it done professionally she should arrange it herself.

I'm glad your OH stuck up for you though, mine is a bit of a mummy's boy so he'd probably have left it to me to deal with!

? honestly.

My mum didn't want her make up doing and went out to her own hairdresser on the morning. My MIL is a *** who wasn't invited. However, if I had a more normal set up, I may have offered hair and make up to her as well, don't forget it's a big day for them too. Having said this, I would only allow it if she went first e.g. at 8am. Miss Winter is right in that you are treating your mother and his mother differently.

She sounds like she may be having a touch of the 'I'm losing my baby' issues from the other things you've said, try not to get too upset with her

We are having a very small wedding at 4PM and as such, I have offered everyone female at the wedding to have their hair done (at their own expense though), also because with it being Monday, I think they might have a hard time finding someone to do their hair.

Now 4-5 women out of 6 have taken me up on the offer, and I am a little worried whether it might take too long for all of them. If the hair dresser comes back saying it is a problem I will have to tell some they need to sort their own hairdo, but I hope we can get everyone in just by starting early enough?

Their attitude at the venue would really bug me, but I don't get the distinction being made between MOB and MOG - they seem equally as important to me. Yeah, my mum will be there to help me get ready, but with my mum living in another country, my FMIL has actually been more involved with the wedding than my mum.

I didn't organize Mr Ash's mother's make-up or hair. I wasn't going to offer it either because I didn't want her getting ready with us.

This is why I didn't offer. My MIL is fine in small doses but she'd have done my head in if she'd got ready with us. She probably wouldn't have accepted anyway though as my H stayed round their house the night before the wedding and got ready with them.

I offered FMIL hair and make up but she had already booked in with her regular hairdresser.

Part of my thoughts are that she has two sons, no daughters - her house will be a testosterone field the morning of the wedding and I thought it might be nice if she wanted to, to spend a girly hour.

We get on ok, not brilliantly - but I want to make sure she is important on the day

Offer her an 8am slot then ask her to leave to give you 'family time' afterwards or offer a contribution/arrange a hairdresser to go to her house for her?

Sometimes it can be jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness etc that make women act weirdly. If she is picking holes in your wedding, I wonder what sort of wedding she had? (e.g. My FMIL says wedding dresses are a total waste of time and money - she didn't have one bless her xxx)

Oh now i feel a bit sad that i didn't ask my MIL to come over in the morning.... It never occurred to me. hope she wasn't offended... :-(

OP i don't think it's a requirement for you to arrange the hairdresser for MIL. I wonder whether maybe she thinks that's the done thing and is taking it personally that you aren't doing it for her? It may all be a misunderstanding.

I agree the gravel is ridiculous and it's a shame when people moan but that seems to be the job of parents ;-) don't take it personally.

This is a big day for her too and she's probably just anxious about silly things? Have you checked whether there really is no way for your hairdresser to do her hair? i don't think this is worth falling out over to be honest. If they can't i think you're doing exactly the right thing by suggesting alternatives. Maybe send them through with a helpful email saying that you thought she'd be keen to spend time with her son so you think these options would be better.

firstly im not sure if its the done thing or not and maybe im in the minority, but she is the grooms mother and if you're including your mother i would defintely be including his, cant leave one out in my opinion. thats saying ones more important then the other.

I am sorry that your OH's parents weren't enthusiastic about the venue. Are they generally happy-go-lucky, positive people? If they are generally pessimistic people, then maybe you have to accept that is part of their personalities, that it's nothing personal and there's nothing you can do about that.

I don't think it is common practice for the MOG to get professional hair and make-up as part of the bridal party but it is a nice touch to ask. I am arranging for the MOG to get professional hair and make-up done with me, my mum and my BMs. I wanted her to look and feel her best as being the MOG, all eyes will be on here. Plus not meaning to sound arrogant, my mum is a glamourous woman, and I didn't want the MOG to feel inadequate or second best next to my mum (I'm a woman, I know how women think!). It will make my MOG feel more involved and it will be a treat for my MOG too. To get everybody ready on time, I have asked my hair & MUA person for an assistant to help. Maybe your hair and MUA person can get an extra pair of hands in too? It will increase the cost but it will ensure it runs on time.

Your MOG has reacted in the wrong manner but maybe you should look at this as a blessing in disguise? It is much better to know about this now when possibly you can still do something about it, rather than for your MOG to be annoyed, not say anything, and hold it against you for a long time.

My personal opinion - I wouldn't want MIL anywhere near me on the morning of the wedding. I don't dislike her at all, I simply would never have included her in the getting ready part of the morning and I highly doubt she would have expected to be involved. OH will be getting ready in his parents' house on the morning with them and as I understand a lot of the family will be there too, having drinks before they leave for the ceremony. The BMs, my mum and I will already be close to the venue, however even if this wasn't the set up, I still wouldn't have included her. She's not my mum? I haven't shown MIL my dress either, and wouldn't want to!

I can see how some women may feel a bit left out, but I think in your case she does sound a bit tantrum-y. I can't see why she wouldn't just book her own hairdresser/MUA?

Also, you'll obviously have to sort that gravel out before the day. Perhaps have a look into redoing the entire driveway for them...? ?

Completely agree with this, I don't get why the MOB is considered more important, my oh will be just as important as me on our wedding day so why won't his mum be just important as mine? Also my MIL2b doesn't have a daughter so this is the only wedding she's going to get and I want it to be special for her as well.

I can understand why you wouldn't want your MIL2B to get ready with you in the morning so maybe you could ask your hairdresser if she knows of anyone who could pop round and do your MIL's hair and makeup. Although not necessary I think it would be a nice gesture even if she was a bit funny about the venue she's going to be in your life for a long time.

No I don't think its the done thing either, I hadn't given it a second thought and just reading this I'm a bit 'oh bugger, should I have offered?!' But it's too late now even if I wanted to (not enough time in the morning, plus I know she wouldn't want her make up doing, and I'm not sure about her hair either tbh...I suggested she go into town to have it put up if she wants but she doesn't really fancy going somewhere a she's not been before) in a selfish way, she can be quite pessimistic and down on things (tho I'm sure she wouldn't be on that morning!) so I think it'll be a much lighter atmosphere in the house with just my ma and bridesmaids, which isn't meant to be horrible, I like both my in-laws, but sometimes just well, meh! She'll be getting ready with OH, his dad, his bro n partner, and possibly my dad n bro at the venue so she'll have lots of company and get to spend some time with OH which'll be nice anyway. Could it be that your FMIL is just feeling a bit left out, or maybe she just doesn't realise quite how pushed for time you'll be.Do you normally get on ok? But yes, if there's no time there's no time, just be apologetic n repeat it! It's good your OH sticks up for you tho

as for the venue, you'll just not have to take it personally, we took MIL n FIL to see the newly renovated farmhouse where they'd be staying cus they said they hadn't seen it, they only looked briefly in the kitchen and a bedroom n had had enough....my parents are so enthusiastic sometimes it's a hard contrast n makes you think theyre not really interested....I think they are tho, it's just not expressed in the same way. Maybe that's the same for yours?

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions.

While I agree it is a big day for MOG too I personally don't want her there when I'm getting ready in the morning. I am a very laid back person generally, as is my BM and Mum is mostly chilled, although I think she might not be on the morning I know I can tell her to chill out and stop stressing without any offence being taken. FMIL On the other hand is a very stressed person, and also quite pessimistic and always picks out problems with everything. It would completely ruin my mood having her around while getting ready. Don't get me wrong she is a lovely person who loves her son and I'm sure wants him to have a nice day, but she's not the kind of person I would spend time with. I just don't have time for attention seeking behaviour and life is too short to permanently be looking on the dark side.

if there was time I would have offered her my hair and makeup guys (that was before she started complaining) but had it done in the room where the guys will be getting ready. But there really isn't. Not allowed in the venue until 9am so no chance of starting it any earlier, and she lives about an hour away from the venue so can't get them to stop of at her house before coming to the venue. I have also discovered the hotel her sister is staying at has a hairdresser on site so I might suggest they ask if they can both get an appointment there. That way she can still have a girly getting ready experience, but not be in my way.

My Mum is giving the father of the bride speech and BM is giving a reading so all eyes will definitely be on them at some point in the day so I don't think I'm being unreasonable for prioritising those two.

My mum is contributing towards the cost of hair and makeup as well. I don't think OH mum was going to offer to cover the cost, but I might be doing her a disservice here. It was a similar story with the suits for the men, my mum offered to pay for my stepdads suit. OH mum actually asked OH how people are going to know they paid for the cake on the day, would we put a sign up or something. OH told her it was supposed to be a gift, and if they wanted everyone to know what their gift was we would have to mention all other gifts we have received, which migt not make them look too generous in comparison.

The gravel issue really did make me laugh to be honest. Apparently she can't possible where the shoes she was going to because of the gravel on the driveway. Its only a relatively short driveway, and it would only be the walk into the venue, after that it's all floor board pathways and lawn, but hey.

I got quite worried last night that she is going to think I'm just being mean, which will make her more worried that I'm "stealing" her son. OH says she'll have forgotten it about before long.

OHs dad also seems to have forgotten that he was asked to give the best man speech as well so he may be on to something. I hope so.

I'm with the OP here. I know what people are saying, in that of course the MIL is important obviously, but most brides obv don't want their MIL with them getting ready! I don't want anyone bar my sister and mother with me on the morning, and I couldn't afford to get both a MUA and hairdresser for me at my house and then for her at the venue. There's nothing stopping her from arranging her own, that's what I would do in the situation if I wanted one that much.

Im actually shocled peopel decide the mother of the groom isnt as important, my OH would be mortified if i treated his mother in this way, as i would vice versa. should be completely equal im afraid, remember its not just your day

See this is where I disagree sightly, this is my day! Of course it is, it's me and my fiancé's day, we're paying for it, we're organising it, it's our wedding. My other half wouldn't even think twice of who's getting make up, and wouldn't think anyone of me not including his mum in the morning as he would know I'm obv getting ready with my immediate family.

EDIT: I was replying to a comment that was supposedly after my first one but it's not coming up.. Dunno if it's disappeared!

i'm sorry but i really think you are. she is the MOG and all eyes WILL be on her at some point. i've never been to a wedding where i haven't gotten at least one pic of both the MOB and of the MOG because both are important people within the wedding party. the MOG is of equal value having raised the groom. it doesn't matter if she isn't reading or signing, she is important purely for the title of MOG.......... our head usher was also a reader, so he technically had two roles in our wedding, but MOG is in waaaaay more pictures than him, and i didn't over hear anyone talking about him, but i did over hear several conversations about the MOG and how super she looked.

i know if we hadn't treated mr winter's mother as equal, he would have been truly devastated, and it was his wedding too. his father wore the full hired suit, and his mother carried the same status as my mother. the formal pics of them were equal, mine wasn't in more than his. attention in the speeches was focused on both, not bias to my mother. people gave attention to both our mothers fairly equally all day, and it would have crushed wints to see anything other than that. in the same way that my mother means everything to me, his mum did/does mean everything to him and he had every right to want and expect her to be included equally (plus obviously we had the issue of the fact his mother only had limited time left and he was the first of the children to get married, and therefore the only wedding of her children she was going to get to attend).

i've been to a few gay weddings, where you end up with either two MOGs or two MOBs, and both are always equally pampered/spoiled/in the limelight, and i don't see why this should be any different for the MOG at a straight wedding.......

it just feels to me like a wedding is all geared towards a bride and that by an extension of that, her mother is better than the groom's mum and it's just not so....

as for the cake issue- what is this woman on????? mr winters parents gave us £3k towards the wedding, but we didn't go around telling people! we didn't put little stickers on each individual thing their money had gone towards! doesn't she realise it's vulgar to discuss money in public and putting up a sign like that is an extension of that? lord alive. how much do you want to bet she spends the evening going up to people eating cake and says 'you enjoying that cake? i paid for that- thank me for it' LOL himmel hilf mir. i jest of course but man alive how ridiculous!

going back to your original issue, i think the hairdresser at the sisters hotel is a good idea, and if you can find details of a local make up person or two, chuck her the details. and def' pitch the girly time with the sister idea- that's genius! point out that your mum is paying her own way when it comes to hair and make up and as such she will be expected to too. equality in every eventuality i'm afraid mrs MOG.

as for the gravel, which ignored originally as it was so ridiculous; offer to buy her earplugs! lol and some for the MOB too- equality y'know! lol

I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you've handled this and its great your OH has not given in to her demands. You are short on time which is perfectly acceptable reason for not being able to fit her in and you have also offered other solutions, just let her get on with it now. With everything that you will have going on right now, it's not your problem!

To be honest, MOG and MOB should probably be treated as equals, but I think your MOG has spoilt any chance of that with her snidey comments (about the venue/gravel etc) and also going moaning to you OH behind your back. My FMIL can be a real handful and I always treat her the same as my mum, but it really pains me sometimes because she doesn't deserve (I feel that I have to do it for my OH's sake). However, when she pulls stunts like 'using the back door to get her own way' she NEVER gets what she wants lol.

? Wow, just wow.

Your parents in law (in particular your mother in law) do sound a nightmare. OMG regarding their comments about the venue and cake.

Despite that, I don't give a stuff what the "done thing" is. You do what you think best based on the personalities of the people involved. I did organise hair and make up for my mother in law. She came across after getting dressed with my sister in law. Together with my mum and my other bridesmaids we took turns in the chair. It was great and a lovely way to include them. However the crucial difference is that I absolutely adore my mother in law and she me. I knew if I didn't organise it, she probably wouldn't have spoilt herself and I wanted her to feel fantastic.

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel a lot better.

i am now starting to worry I am being overly mean about her. She does have a tendency to be a bit negative but she isn't normally as bad as she was at the weekend, and it did really wind me up.The wedding seems to be making her worse than normal. I don't know if she thinks she is being left out, or I'm stealing her son or something. Fact is she hasn't had much input, but never seemed to want any when we asked if she wanted to be involved. My mum has also not been involved in any of the wedding planning either (she's not local) so not being unequal between the two.

I'm sure it will all work out. OH is over at his parents tonight so I have given him all the details about the hairdressers, two different options for her to choose between.

Like most others - I don't think its 'Tradition' that the the bride and goor, pay for MOB and MOG hair and make up, however, your H2B's mother is part of your bridal party whether you like the thought or not! With hair and make up, and a lot of other things, I personally feel that you have to treat both mothers he same - even though it's understandable that you'll have stronger feelings towards your own! I don't think it's fair to pay for one to get hair and make up done without at least offering for the other one to be included somehow, even if this doesn't necessarily mean both will be getting ready with you.

Including one one mum but leaving the other out is a sure fire way to cause agreements, tension and, ultimately, an atmosphere on your wedding day!

to be honest, I can see why your FMIL is struggling to feel positive about the wedding she feels like she's being left out :-(

Quick update. oH gave His Mum the hairdresser details and I got a thank you very much message back. So I think I'm out of the dog house.

He did however get told off that we were dressed too scruffy when we went to the open day at the venue though. lol