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MOTHER OF THE GROOM HAS BROUGHT A CREAM DRESS BY THE SAME DESIGNER

Groom UK, 15 April, 2014 at 12:28 Posted on Planning 0 73

Hi, I'm the groom and this is my first ever forum post of any kind BUT I need some advice!

My Fiancée saved up for a long time to buy a wedding dress from a rather special designer in ivory.

Upon booking our venue etc my mother has brought a dress from the same designer in Ivory.

The wedding dress (I understand, I've not seen) is rather classical and understated with no sparkle etc. My mothers outfit is a similar colour cream dress (knee length) and jacket with a fair bit of sparkle.

We had indicated that the bridesmaids were wearing green and the mother of the bride wearing blue.

My Fiancée feels this is really rude. While she didn't specifically say not to buy a cream dress, she thought this was common sense! And to chose the same designer takes something special away from her hard saved for dress.

My mother truly loves my fiancée and I know she wouldn't have done this maliciously but I don't know what she was thinking! I'm guessing she thought it would be nice to match her/the venue and be in the same designer?

Having raised this with both my sister (maid of honour) and Dad, they think it is ridiculous and asked that I don't say anything as she is so excited about her dress (which is being altered and can't be returned). This isn't the point but on hearing this, my fiancée has said to 'just let her wear what she wants'.

I feel I am in that impossible situation now where if I say for her to change the dress, I upset both my mother and my fiancee as she thinks it will make her out to be bridezilla BUT if I do nothing, I can't help but feel this will come back to me in future arguments, that my mother and her will not get along so well as a result and the wedding day pictures will be a constant reminder of the issue that I did not resolve.

My inclination is to just get it out in the open and tell them to get another outfit BUT I just want that confirmation that we aren't being unreasonable or irrational about the situation. Are we?

Thanks in advance!!!

73 replies

Latest activity by Arabella16, 3 May, 2015 at 23:07
  • I-go-by-many-names
    Super April 2015
    I-go-by-many-names ·
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    I can confirm that you are not being unreasonable. Your mum needs to take the dress back. If it has already been altered, could she have it dyed blue?

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  • AuntieBJ
    Beginner September 2014
    AuntieBJ ·
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    How about a wrap or jacket to go with the dress but in a different colour so that she won't look too bride-like?

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  • K
    Beginner August 2014
    KyleighB ·
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    Honestly if I was the bride, I'd be speaking to your mum and telling her how I felt! I wouldnt be happy at all! Same designer then fine, but Ivory as well?! Who as a guest wears an ivory dress. If it had a pattern or something to make it less bridal maybe it would be less of an issue.

    Can you flash or link to a picture of your mums dress?

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  • Childhood-Sweet<3
    Beginner July 2014
    Childhood-Sweet<3 ·
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    Hi Groom UK.

    What a pickle! To be honest, I would be upset like your fiancée is, but I would suggest it is best to not say anything. If you sister and Dad have both said the same I would go with that.

    Good luck!

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  • J
    Beginner May 2015
    Jayla ·
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    Not unreasonable at all. Very odd decision on your mothers part. I would explain to her and maybe she could have it dyed. My mum suggested a nice cream suit for herself and I told her absolutely not! My sister thought she'd lost the plot too.

    Hope it all works out.

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  • bliss_balloons
    bliss_balloons ·
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    Maybe a bright coloured jacket would be a good compromise? I don't think it matters that they're by the same designer because no one is going to know that on the day. Your fiancee is obviously going to stand out on the day as the bride and be the one with the long dress, hair done, all the accessories etc, so if your fiancee can accept it then maybe best to leave it but if it's really upsetting her then I'd say something.

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  • M
    Beginner May 2015
    missgeebee ·
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    Can i suggest you show your fiancee this? If i saw that my OH was tying himself up over the situation there's no way i would hold it against him!!

    I think your fiancee has the right to feel upset in this situation but if it's not malicous then hopefully she'll come around. As the others have said maybe something could be done to make your mum's look less bridal...

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  • F&GBride
    Beginner May 2014
    F&GBride ·
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    I don't think you're being unreasonable but whilst your mother shouldn't have opted for cream her dress does sound like it's cut in a typical mother of the bride/groom style so it shouldn't really look like a wedding dress. If it's being altered already there's no way she'll be able to take it back so I would say keep the peace and don't say anything. It really isn't worth fighting about.

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  • cymruangel
    Beginner December 2014
    cymruangel ·
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    This is clearly an issue as it has upset both you and your fiancée, and I don't think you're being unreasonable or irrational - most people will avoid cream or ivory at a wedding unless specifically told it's ok, so she shouldn't be surprised that you've picked up on this.

    I agree with the comments above - if the dress can't go back, could she get a different colour jacket to make her look a little less bridal?

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  • B
    Beginner
    Bells12 ·
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    Hi, it is my one nightmare for my own wedding that someone will turn up in ivory/cream. I've tried to make it clear to family/friends who have all agreed how rude it is! having said that my future MIL did say that when she went shopping for her outfit there were alot of cream outfits in. The thing is for me, this will be my one wedding day, the one day when I want things to be as right as they can be. I don't want the conversation of the day to be about a guest thats turned up in cream/white (which is what I've seen happen at others). I suspect your bride to be is saying to let her wear what she wants to keep the peace as I might do the same but deep down I'd be absolutely gutted. I think asking her to wear it with a coloured jacket or something maybe an acceptable compromise? I'd be asking her to do this at the very least. So sorry your in such a situation, really feel for you on this one.

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  • G
    Beginner
    Groom UK ·
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    Hi all, thanks for the responses! Here is the outfit!

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  • ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown
    Beginner January 2012
    ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown ·
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    Forget the fact it is the same designer - unless you are all in the fashion industry, nobody will know this.

    It is not up to your Dad or you sister to decide if they think any complaint is ridiculous, it is entirely yours and your fiancee's call.

    I personally wouldn't have really noticed if someone wore white to my wedding - I can't see how it would have impinged even slightly on my happiness. However, her position as mother of the groom does not equate to a "friend from uni who was always a bit attention-seeking". Her position is possibly the most politically-charged in the bride-groom-parents dynamic, and people will read a lot into this move (even if it's not a deliberate move, if you see what I mean).

    This is fairly manipulative but could you make your requests out of concern for your mother. People WILL talk, people WILL notice, and unfortunately, people WILL judge. She will be the woman trying to compete with the bride for the man in question, she will be viewed as trying to steal the limelight.

    If I were being so obliviously rude (which is not necessarily my opinion, I think it's more weird than rude), then I'd want someone to tell me.

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  • ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown
    Beginner January 2012
    ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown ·
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    It's a lovely mother of the bride outfit. Beautiful. But....

    ...that dress comes in several other colours. What was she thinking?

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  • I-go-by-many-names
    Super April 2015
    I-go-by-many-names ·
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    Not sure if this makes you feel better, but I went to a wedding recently where a friend of the family decided to bring an escort as his plus one. Everyone was talking about him saying how

    Inappropriate it was and she also wasn't dressed very appropriately. The dress she changed into for the evening was very revealing and even the one she wore in the church was very short. At least this won't happen at yours!

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  • ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown
    Beginner January 2012
    ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown ·
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    Debretts agrees - wedding party do not wear white/ivory (if bride is doing so).

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  • Elixia
    Beginner March 2014
    Elixia ·
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    *nods in agreement*

    It might be best to spare your mother this backlash and misunderstanding

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  • pammy67
    Beginner April 2015
    pammy67 ·
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    I really feel for you - you are the potential jam in a very sticky sandwich - but I'm sorry - your mum is in the wrong here. Not intentional maybe, but the situation remains. It's a bad choice. Other may not know it's the same designer, but you and your wife to be doo and that's what matters, as does your mum. You do need to handle carefully though as this could get blown out of all proportion.

    Don't know when your nuptials are planned for - but if your mum has time to do something else then she should, be that getting her outfit dyed or replaced.

    Edited to add - your mum might be blissfully unaware of the predicament she's caused and while loving her outfit - will hate this sitation all the more and would want to do something qwhile she still can. Just an additional thought for you.

    Smiley winking

    Good luck.

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  • *Funky*
    Beginner January 2001
    *Funky* ·
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    Yea tell her for her own good!

    You also run the risk of them looking like a lesbian couple in pictures together too.

    (Like this pic of Jamie-Lyn Spears and her mother)

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  • cinnamon009
    Beginner December 2014
    cinnamon009 ·
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    This for me too. Although you say your mum loves your fiancée than this says something different. Everyone knows not to wear ivory to a wedding. And whilst your finacee might be saying 'wear what she wants' as she was upset initially I would imagine this is like saying 'I'm fine' when actually she isn't.

    Can you flash your fiancée's dress so we can compare? Is it long or knee length too? If she was in a full-on wedding dress with train etc it might not look too bad. But there is a sense here that the MOTB will have a flashier outfit in ivory than the bride and she has a right to be upset at that.

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  • D
    Beginner April 2014
    DaisyDot ·
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    THIS!!!!! Totally not a good idea of your mothers i'm sorry to say, fair enough if it can't go back if it's getting altered - she'll just have to wear it on another occasion...perhaps to renew her own wedding vows? Jokes aside, sorry that you're in this situation - hope it sorts itself out!

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  • Elixia
    Beginner March 2014
    Elixia ·
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    A little off topic but thinking about it, if you're a big name in the wedding industry, you must know wedding etiquette ... why do they sell MOB and MOG dresses in ivory?

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  • J
    Beginner May 2015
    Jayla ·
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    I thought the exact same thing Elixia.

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  • ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown
    Beginner January 2012
    ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown ·
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    The dress in question comes in a selection of colours (rose gold, dusky lilac, blah blah). I had assumed as a designer, you may as well hedge your bets and offer your stuff in ivory too, to pick up the, ahem, older, more elegant, second wedding, register office market (stereotype alert).

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  • T
    Beginner November 2014
    tiptopbride ·
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    I guess not all brides get married in white/ivory either so if you were getting married in say a red dress, you might not be so bothered about the MOB or MOG turning up in Ivory.

    Not much help to the OP though...sorry! For what it's worth I agree with spinning it to say you are worried about what other people will think so then it doesn't cause any upset between your mum and your fiancee. Your fiancee is probably not wanting to put you in the position of having to take sides but if it was me I wouldn't be too happy. Good luck!!!

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  • lottie.f
    Beginner July 2014
    lottie.f ·
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    I agree - why sell these dresses in ivory?! Prospective brides would rarely look in a MOB collection.

    In answer to your dilemma- I feel a bit sorry for your mum, it sounds like an innocent mistake which will cost her a lot of money. Although your fiancee is unsure about tackling the issue now, as the day approaches her nerves/excitement/bridezilla-ness will increase and I think this issue could develop later on.. Best to sort it now.

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  • ClaireD*
    Beginner May 2014
    ClaireD* ·
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    I have seen this photo before of Jamie Lynn's wedding, and I couldn't put my finger on what was odd about it. Bar the obvious of course, lol !

    That's what it is. Without a groom in the photo, these two do look like a couple getting married to each other.

    Maybe you should point this out to your mother, Mr Groom? Same sex marriage just became legal (yeaaa!), so maybe point out to your mother that she might look like a second bride, and a cougar at that, getting herself a young hot bit of totty !

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  • ClaireD*
    Beginner May 2014
    ClaireD* ·
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    HOLD THE PHONE !!! What the actual ..... ?!?!?!

    Surely this deserved its very own thread!

    So the escort was paid for by the guest, and then paid for again by the bride and groom who had to supply her with a meal ?

    I can't believe anyone would do this, unless it was actually a secret and no one knew (ie. pretended it was their girlfriend / old friend etc)

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  • I-go-by-many-names
    Super April 2015
    I-go-by-many-names ·
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    Yes he paid for her to attend with him. The bride and groom gave him a plus one and that's who he decided to bring. I guess he was pretending she was his girlfriend but everyone saw right through the situation, she was a lot younger than him, not dressed appropriately and was foreign. He also had a car that only a d*** head would drive. We don't know him, but we definitely got the impression that this is the type of thing he would do on a regular basis. Sorry, I feel like I've hijacked the thread now!

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  • SunnyOrangeFlowers21
    Beginner August 2014
    SunnyOrangeFlowers21 ·
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    Thirded. I'd have a fit if his mother pulled this stunt!

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  • M
    Beginner July 2015
    MrsB2015 ·
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    I'm probably going to get shot down in flames for this but it's my opinion.... Maybe she's just a mum that got giddy her son is getting married and went out and bought a beautiful dress! I would imagin that when my daughter gets married all my senses will go out the window and I would want a lovely outfit for her big day! I think the dress is classy and beautiful and if she was my mum I would be proud having her next to me. My OH grandma asked the other day what colours to avoid and I told her wear what u want, if someone said to me my grandma could be at my wedding but she would be in a wedding dress I wouldn't care less because I would give anything to have her there! I personally think when it comes to outfits I don't care it's the people I want there to witness our marriage and share our day.

    Like I said just my opinion and I'm ready and braced for the shooting.... Lol

    xx

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  • Elixia
    Beginner March 2014
    Elixia ·
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    from the sounds of the OP's about the bride and MOG relationship this is more than likely true but the problem really is from the outside it sets the wrong tone. Like that they DONT get on (which isn't true according to the OP). Wedding make people crazy, people WILL talk. If had a dodgy haircut or hairdo i would prefer someone tell than everyone pay lip service only to hear the rumours come back later.

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  • Ohwhatatuesday
    Beginner May 2014
    Ohwhatatuesday ·
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    I agree with this. If, as another poster has said, she got caught up in the moment and didn't consider the issue of wearing ivory (even though the dress comes in loads of different colours), she's still likely to get a lot of attention on the day for wearing an ivory dress at her son's wedding (I don't think the designer matters).

    I honestly think it's going to be her that would be made to feel uncomfortable on the day as people will notice it, question it etc and if she hasn't' realised this (which is the only conclusion I can come up with as to why she's picked an ivory dress), then she'll probably want it pointed out.

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