Mums partner

I agree with your preferred option.

The FOB and FOG have special roles because they are the fathers of the bride and groom. The bridesmaids and groomsmen have special roles because they are close friends or relatives of the bride & groom.

Giving the same suit to your mother's current partner would just be odd because he fulfils neither of those roles. It's not about rejecting him as your mother's partner, it's about making it clear that he does not have a 'father figure' role in your life.

Giving him a buttonhole, including him in family photos and giving him a couple of jobs to do is more than enough. In my view, you are bending over backwards to make him feel included and welcome in this wedding, but you are stopping short of putting him on the same level as your father. And he should not be on that level, since you obviously do not view him as a father figure.

Your preferred option for sure! It's actually incredibly kind you're giving him a buttonhole and everything you're doing so far!

If it helps to have someone in a similar boat... my FH's dad has a long term serious partner, but his mum is on her own. Despite FFIL being with his partner longer than he was ever with FMIL, it didn't feel appropriate for her to have an equal place in the wedding as FMIL. FMIL is on the top table and will have a corsage like my mum. FFIL's partner, as much as we love her, is attending as a guest and has no form of role in the wedding.

I think of it a bit like Best Man or Maid of Honour... e.g. MOH's partner wouldn't be dressed to match the groomsmen or ushers.

I think your preferred option is the most balanced and respectful to everyone involved. The fathers really do have a unique, irreplaceable role on a wedding day, and giving them tuxes reflects that without taking anything away from your mum’s partner. You’ve already included him in so many thoughtful ways, which shows you’re being fair and considerate.

This kind of situation, where blended families and long-standing emotions overlap with wedding plans is more common than people realize. When my cousin dealt with something similar, what helped her most was setting a kind but firm boundary early. She explained that roles aren’t about favoritism, they’re about honoring the relationships that shaped her life. After the initial tension, everyone settled into it just fine.

If you want some guidance on communicating it in a calm, grounded way, the Center for Thriving Relationships has some helpful resources on navigating sensitive family dynamics. You can visit here to explore them, it really helped me when I needed to have a tough conversation before my own wedding.

At the end of the day, it’s your wedding, and you deserve to feel at peace with the decisions. Setting this boundary doesn’t diminish your mum’s partner; it just keeps the meaning of the roles intact.