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Beginner September 2025 Bristol

Mumzilla. Am i being an Ahole

Sophie, 25 January, 2025 at 23:54 Posted on Planning 0 2

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Sorry could be a long one…my mum is a complete mumzilla (in my eyes). Am I being an ahole.

So back in November myself and partner decided after 11 years, 3 kids and a house to finally get married. We’ve had our ups and downs. We already knew the venue we wanted to get married in and wanted to book. Sent message to my mum and sister to say I’ve found a venue and want to get married. Mum then says that she thinks nov 26 would be good year as gives time to save (we have savings). Due to family health I didn’t want to leave that long. So asked the venue what was available from sept 25 to march 26. They gave an amazing offer on a sept 25 date that would be hard to refuse. Again spoke with mum and she flipped out saying that we had agreed that she would pay some of the wedding if she chose the venue and invite lists and most of the wedding (we hadn’t agreed this and no money offered). She then went onto say well I don’t need to hear any wedding talk until at least end of Jan 25 and she wasn’t happy with us.
Come round to start of Jan and I said look times getting on we don’t have long for wedding dress shopping etc if we need to order within certain times. I really want you and sister to come with me can we set a date. Mum agrees but again puts digs in that we’ve had to set rough numbers down for our venue quote and that due to her “helping” pay again not agreed or properly discussed that she should be the one to decide on what family members on both sides should be there etc.
I have tried to keep the peace but I’m finding it really difficult. I’ve had lots of counciling due to trauma from her controlling ways growing up etc and feel like I’m slipping and around her can’t be honest or even talk properly as she’s judging and putting me down on everything I say or do.
Please don’t be mean replying just need to know what to do going forward. I’m very close to cutting her out of my life due to the past trauma but being people pleaser also finding this a hard decision to make. Appreciate any tips to just help me get through past the wedding

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Latest activity by Sophie, 30 January, 2025 at 14:32

Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
RomanticGreenStationery27135 · 30 January, 2025 at 13:54
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I'm so sorry - that's a really tough situation to deal with. As someone with a difficult mother myself, can I suggest the following?
1) Do NOT accept any money from your mother toward the wedding. If you can't afford to pay for something yourself, don't have it. Accepting money from anyone comes with a risk that they may try to end up controlling things, but with your mother, the 'risk' becomes a certainty, and you don't need that kind of hassle! If she objects, thank her for the offer as graciously as you can but say that you can manage.
2) Put her on an information diet starting right now - don't tell her anything about the wedding that she doesn't have to know. If she pushes for answers, have a set phrase to trot out, which you use without variation. For my mother, I used "We're keeping the details a secret to surprise everyone on the day".
3) If she stalls on going to look at dresses again, I'd just go without her. I know that can be hard to contemplate as there is so much emphasis on 'mother and daughter moments' in wedding planning, but sometimes, you just have to accept that your mother is not like that, and it's more trouble than it is worth!
4) This is a tough one, but remind yourself that you don't have to listen to her running you down. Change the subject, or just leave. You do have to be prepared for pushback when you do this, especially at first - there is nothing a bully hates more than seeing someone start to stand up to them - but if you persist, it gets easier. My mother used to talk to me like dirt all the time, but now she knows I will leave/hang up if she reaches a certain level of abuse, and she hardly ever does it any more!
And stick at that counselling. Abusive parents are so hard to deal with, it takes a lot of work to heal but you will get there x
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