My 1st bit of wedding stress... UPDATED

Hiya! First of all .. HUGS ... You sound like you need them.

Secondly, this sounds like the exact thing my mother would do, it's the 'you don't have to listen to what I think but I'd like you to it's ok if you don't but I had to have my two pennies worth so that I can say I did later' letter that my mum likes to do by email, to work!

To be fair most of the time my mum has a point and yours may too, but, and I say this knowing only of this situation nothing else that's gone/going on family wise, I'd say on this occasion it's your wedding. Do what you want. My future in laws are the family from hell (well his mothers side) and I've done everything to make them happy and it's sill not worked. This is your day, your memories and your life together. Make it how you want it. If you're happy just the two of you go for it.

Are you having any family thing before/after?

Sorry turned into a bit of a ramble there!

Thanks. The hugs are gratefully received!

My Mum doesn't normally do the crazy letter thing. But then again there must be a reason why she doesn't have my work e-mail address....

Haha my inlaws sound like yours (MIL especially). I know whatever we do then MIL will not be happy! When Mr Erin's oldest sister got married then the MIL used to ring her up to shout at her about random things e.g. she picked the "wrong" type of mass apparently!

We are having a party for family and friends when we get back.

Thanks for your reponse and input.

Aww, your mum sounds like a lovely lady, she is obviously very happy for you getting married and i think it was a nice way to communicate by sending you the letter because it doesnt put you on the spot and you can have a think about it, she mentioned you dont have to discuss it further so she obviously is not expecting you to say yes and if you dont say yes it seems like she would be ok with it?

I think its understandable she would want to be there for her only daughters wedding. I understand you want to elope and escape the financial expense and the pressure of a big wedding however i think if your mum and brother would pay for themselves to go and Mr Erins parents then it alleviates the feeling of guilt for yourself and you arent having to contribute anything and maybe it would be nice for your immediate family to be there on such a momentous occasion? obviously i donr know what kind of relationship you have with your family but to me your mum seems to have asked in a polite way and it wouldnt really affect anything you have already planned.

As for other people that may not be happy if you extend an invite to a select few, well im sure if you explain its very low key day with only immediate family im sure they would understand and if they dont im not sure id care as they clearly arent very understanding of your situation.

Anyway thats my opinion im sure whatever you choose will be right for you... have a lovely day, the Bellagio is just gorgeous stayed there myself last year.

Ooohhh, families, its a tricky one, isn't it, and no one really understands what goes on behind closed doors, except those behind the closed doors!

Although its a bit of a ****** when Mums do this kind of thing, if it is any consolation I do think that yours is trying to be as sensitive as she can and she is trying to not put pressure on you, but of course the opposite is happening!

I am a bad person to give advice on this as I always cave in - location of wedding, lapel microphones, mens suits - you name it and I have conceded it. Also my Mum is the 'not going to get better' kind of very poorly and I was not at all sure that she would still be alive to help me choose my dress or see me walk down the aisle, and I would have given anything, anything to have her there and thank the universe at large on a daily that she will.

But all families are different, aren't they, and now the very thing you were trying to avoid has happened! It really is tricky and I don't think there is a perfect answer so I think you are right, there probably will be someone who isn't happy!

Do you really think your other siblings would be cross? Do you think they might understand that just your bro needs to come? I think if you can work around that, there is a chance just to invite just his parents and your Mum & Bro if that is what you want.

Two friends of mine recently had a similar thing - they didnt tell a soul about their plans, had everything booked, then he decided to tell his parents at the very last second. His parents begged them to postpone so they could attend, so they did, but her parents were a long haul flight away and just couldnt do it. she felt sad about it, but it was what she wanted, and you know, everyone will have to get over it, whatever you decide.

Its not an easy one so yes, I am sending you a big cuddle too. The worst thing you could do now is to fight with your OH over it (which by the way is exactly what I would do) so try not to do that! Stick together TEAM ERIN!

xxx

I now wish we had just got married and then told people afterwards -nothing they can do if we have already done it haha!

I have only the 1 brother but Mr Erin has 3 sisters and 1 brother -plus husbands, a wife, nieces and nephews that come with them as a package. I get where people are coming from but Mr Erin is not willing to invite my brother and not his siblings. Which is fair enough as we should probably invite all of them or none of them. The only other thing l can think to say is just parents. But that would be tricky as Mr Erin's parents wouldn't like going to Vegas on there own etc etc.

We have done quite well so far and not had a row about it. He is quite sure about what we should do and l am dithering -it is normally the other way around about things!

If you invited everyone, how many do you think would actually come?

I personally think that you can invite your Mum and brother as a pair, matched by his parents. I'd be more than happy to defend that choice to his siblings. Your Dad isn't around and your brother is standing in.

Finally, and this might not be what you want to hear, but I really feel for your Mum. She's gone along with you wanted and now realised that she wants to be there. And she's dealt with the approach well. I could never have imagined being married without wanting my Mum there. I could never imagine how hurt my Mum would have been if I'd decided to do it without her. My Boy's sister got married on holiday and I've seen how much that bothers his parents. And more importantly now, how much it bothers them.

My opinion is I think you should invite your mother and brother, I think your mum is being wonderful for not trying to stress you out, and by doing it the way she has if you say no then it wont be mentioned again. Good luck on what ever you decide

I would say it was fairly unlikely that everyone would come -Vegas isn't the cheapest place in the world, the nieces and nephews are still quite young (most of them will be 5 and 3 by thr time we get married and l know 2 of his sisters are quite broody.Plus the package we have gone for allows a maximum of 8 guests...

I am still confused about why we are having this conversation today. We have been engaged since July 2012 and she has never even given a hint she feels like this despite the Vegss thing being on the cards for ages. In fact she has been encouraging me and saying what a good idea she thinks it is?!

Mr Erin has put his foot down about the siblings thing which l can kind of understand. I wouldn't be happy if Mr Erin said we were inviting his brother and no other siblings. It hid rare he is so definite about something so he must feel strongly about it. I am now thinking we invite just parents. But part of me would then want our close friends there, in my opinion we are closer to our friends and they are a bigger part of our lives than our siblings. Something to discuss after Thursday l think -Mr Erin has an important professional exam Thursday afternoon.

My Mum says it won't be mentioned again but l can pretty much guarantee it will be... My Mum is rarely shy about coming forward with her opinions and often has a blind spot when it comes to other peoples opinions. Part of me also wonders where this will end e.g. She isn't happy with our thoughts about honeymoon, she is sick of us living down south (she thinks we should move to Manchester) etc.

The more l think about l think about it l think we should have just done it in secret and then just told everyone what we had done. The problem with weddings is everyone has an opinion and l know she is my mother but ultimately it is our wedding. I know my MIL hasn't finished putting her 5 pence worth in and even if she comes to our wedding she won't be happy unless we have a big wedding in a Catholic church in Ireland with all of the nieces and nephews as flower girls and bridesmaids etc.

Bless your mum, she sounds like she didn't know how to approach the suituation.

If I got a letter like that I would be glad, (instead of a full blown row)

yes I would say to my mum n brother to come and OH parents too.

If anyone else (family) wants to come then they can arrange it/pay for it.

What harm would it do for a few family members there?

I really feel for your Mum, if my boy decided to get married and didn't want me there I'd be heartbroken but ultimately I'd go along with whatever he wanted because he's my son and I love him.

This is *exactly* what I think too. I think most people would understand that your brother is there in place of your Dad. As for your OH's parents not wanting to travel then that would be their choice and I think you could extend the invite and leave it up to them to decide.

Having said all that if the reason for going away is that you don't really want anyone else there then I think you've every right to do that, just be sure you won't regret it afterwards. And despite your Mum saying she doesn't need you to acknowledge the letter I think a conversation with her whatever you decide would be a good idea. She has clearly not been able to tell you how she really feels and the best way to stop it becoming a big issue is to talk about it.

It's a real tricky one sweety so I do feel for you!

I think your mum has done a really sweet thing by sending a letter, she obviously doesn't want to pressure you but also wants you to know how much she would love to be there.

I think if you i nvite your mum and brother it's fair to then invite Mr Erin's parents and siblings - you can say (when inviting the siblings) that children aren't invited (like a lot of weddings) as it's Vegas and you want it low key and about you guys. That may make them say no as they can't leave the kids or say what a great idea, a nice holiday and wedding without the kids which means you are left with your immediate family and you haven't had to spend a thing (you can make it VERY clear that you are not paying)

At the end of the day you only get one mum and yes you have to keep Mr Erin happy too but it's your day and as much as I think you should invite you mum, if you don't want her there then thats down to you.

Make yourself happy with and be true to yourself, remember you are marrying mr Erin and thats all that matters - hugs x

Thanks for your kind words and advice everyone. I have just rang my Mum as l was sick of it hanging over my head (l was awake from 4am yesterday stressing about it), l wanted to talk it through and resolve it before Easter. I was calm and explained that l had got her letter, she was quite angry and defensive said she didn't want to discuss it though?! I tried to discuss it but she started shouting at me. I was trying to explain the whole thing but she started getting the hump with Mr Erin's family, me etc . I am leaving it for now ☹️

Ah, what "whole thing" were you trying to explain?

It's safe to say she isn't in the best of moods today... I explained l got the letter Tuesday afternoon -post near me is rubbish at the moment so for all l know she might have posted it weeks ago and think l was ignoring it or not acknowledging it. She goes "oh right" in a terse way. I made clear Mr Erin and l had discussed the whole thing at length (we didn't come to any conclusion but anyway). What made her angry l think was me explaining the options we had and the reason for our original choice all of which she knows. I really couldn't progress any further than that or have a proper conversation as she point blank refused.

Sorry that you tried to talk to her and it went badly, would it be worth trying face to face or would that just be worse? Only you know your Mum but mine's much better when we speak in person. At least you've tried to explain your thinking and your choice, there's not a lot else you can do. I vote you enjoy the long weekend and try not to stress about the wedding, well at least not until Tuesday ?

Face to face would be ideal you are right but we live 200 miles apart and l work 6-7 days a week so l don't have much opprtunity to do it. This weekend is the 1st bit of time off l have had since Christmas. Probably the next time l am seeing her is my best friends wedding weekend in mid-June... My Mum literally would not listen, she had put her point of view across in the letter but she wouldn't let me put mine across on the phone. The more l think back on the conversation the more annoyed and upset l am! At no point did she think about anyone elses feelings or opinions apart from hers. I am still confused about why us setting a date prompted her to send the letter, surely she could have mentioned it before then?!

Aaah the joy of weddings!! Mr Erin and l are going to give more thought to what exactly we are going to do about our wedding over the weekend as we don't know waht to do. l always knew when we got engaged that someone wouldn't be happy about what we chose to do for our wedding -our families are so different plus we live in London, my Mum lives in Manchester and the outlaws live in Ireland. I think my Mum assumed it would be in Manchester and the outlaws assumed in Ireland...

Seeing that a letter was you Mum's prefered form of communication. Maybe you could write your side down too. She may get angry reading it, but it will be there for her to go back to when she cools down

Maybe your Mum went along with what you were planning before but secretly hoped that you would change your mind and decide to invite her. Maybe when you booked it, it hit home that she wasn't going to see her only daughter get married. I can understand that this must feel devastating for her.

I also agree with Footlong, you brother would be in place of your Dad so it would be perfectly acceptable to invite them as a pair, and then Mr Erin's parents. If Mr Erin's parents don't like traveling, that's their problem, they don't have to come!

Perhaps your Mum didn't want to talk about it on the phone because she didn't want to hear you tell her again that she's not invited? Perhaps she got angry with you as a defence mechanism? I don't know your Mum, but perhaps this is her way of coping with a difficult situation.

Of course, it is your wedding and you shouldn't feel pressured to have people there that you don't want. But if you are now thinking about whether or not you want close friends as well, I think you and your OH need to sit down and have a proper discussion about it. If you can have up to 8 guests, you could choose two relatives and two friends each? I agree with the poster above who said perhaps you could write your Mum a letter back when you have talked about it.

I think you need to consider what you will regret more, allowing your Mum to come to your wedding, or looking back and knowing that she wasn't there.

Hi!

This is an awful situation and I really feel for you and your OH.

There is one thing, as an OM, that I cannot stress enough - YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY. It is very easy to say and not so easy to actually follow through with but looking back on our day we really wish we had experienced a couple of "f**k it" moments and stuck to our guns. We changed our plans a considerable amount to accommodate OH's families 'needs' at a great financial and emotional cost to ourselves (we booked and paid to get married in Italy with immediate family - actually got married in York with extended family).

I really hope you can work things out with your mum - I have no doubt she will be hurting - but make sure you and Mr Erin do what you want. Take some time to think things through on your own before you talk with your OH because if you feel strongly enough to want your mum & bro there then maybe eloping was never really want you wanted deep down...

Either way you will look back and will be happy with your final choice but the psychological struggle of it may create an unbalance for you emotionally.

Good luck Sx

I completely agree with Aurora.

I will also add that there was only one good outcome for your Mum, and that was for you to contact her and tell her you'd be utterly delighted to have her there. Your 'discussion/'look at it from my POV'/'Boy and I have talked it over'/'here are the problems' were (correctly) construed as reluctance to invite her. Hence she got defensive and angry. She specifically said if the answer was no, she didn't want to hear a word about it.

If you and your Boy decide to invite her (and I personally think you should), you need to do it with a smile, not a grudge.

I'd agree with others that sending her a letter may be a good way to communicate but maybe rather than going over your reasons for not inviting her emphasise that you thought she was happy with your plan, that you weren't wanting to exclude her, you're sorry she's been hurt by your decision, that you and Mr Erin are now having a rethink etc. If you just keep putting forward your reasons for just you and Mr Erin going I can understand that it would be upsetting for her as it's like a reiteration of the rejection and she'd get defensive.

Whilst I can understand that she'd want to write you a letter and then not talk to you about it, I think it's too big an issue for that, especially as you say she's normally able to let you know her opinions and that it's unlikely she would not mention it again. It's the sort of thing that could easily drive a wedge between you as you both struggle not to talk about how you really feel about it.

If you're having a party for everyone when you get back maybe you could have a blessing or a humanist ceremony where you make your vows/promises to each other again. I think you're never going to find a solution that everyone is happy with but maybe this would be a good middle ground?