My awful bridesmaid!

That really sucks that she is not been more enthusiastic about your wedding. I think sometimes we have a bit to high expectations but i do think it would be nice if she could stay the night before and go and get glammed up with you on the day of the wedding. For me that was the most important bit and the one thing that i wanted all me bridesmaids to be involved in.

I would not throw away a friendship of 18 years though,try to pin her down a bit more before saying anything you might regret.

hi there, I think maybe expected to much from here. but dont worry you guys have 18 years friendship, it'll be fine.

I think sometimes we expect too much from our BMs. You have to remember that it is your wedding not hers. I was fortunate that I had my closest friend and knew she would do whatever I asked of her- which wasn't much until the actual day TBH.

Sounds as though your BM might be having some issues and you really need to address them with her. Someone has already mentioned cost implications. Is she expected to pay for her own hair and makeup as well as her shoes? If she then has to pay accommodation, it can be costly. My BM only had to pay for her hotel room for a couple of nights as we covered everything else. My husband was best man for his best friend in August and it cost us in excess of £500 for the privilege. We would never hold it against them but would have appreciated it if the couple had not expected so much of my H.

Just give her a call and ask whether something is bothering her and make the points above to her. I hope you get it sorted, don't let it stress you out as it really isn't worth it. Look forward to your special day!

I do understand that - however surely people must understand that from our point of view it is important, and there are at least certain expectations and responsibilities - and often expenses - that come with being a bridesmaid or in fact just attending a wedding full stop.

If she has money worries, fair enough, but if she's really a good friend then she should feel comfortable explaining to you that it's an issue, and working with you in some way to get what is required out of her done.

Do you know why she is being like this? If she's not married herself she may be a little jealous that you're getting married and she isn't. If she is married maybe she's jealous because she feels your wedding is 'better' than hers was. Does she have partner issues, family problems, work stress? She's obviously not as excited about your wedding as you are and thats understandable, but there may be other issues that you don't know about. At the end of the day a bridesmaid is supposed to support the bride, if she's not doing that you need to say something.

I'd ask her straight and give her opportunity to step down

I agree that she sounds less than enthusiastic about it all and I can understand why you're upset about that.

I am also wondering whether money could be part of the problem, if she is purchasing her own shoes and paying for overnight accommodation etc. There sounds like there could be something else going on with her at the moment. I can also understand, to a certain extent, her unwillingness to help make things for your wedding. Perhaps she feels like she might do a bad job?

Hmm I think some things you're asking too much, others she should do unless she has a good reason.

Planning the hen do - if she accepted the role of chief bridesmaid, it sort of comes with the job. However, my bridesmaid this time isn't doing that because she's a new mum of twins - fairly good reason that she can't!

Shoes/dress shopping - she should either come with you, or show some interest/opinion in choices you suggest to her.

Meal choice - that's not exactly difficult, and she should be able to make a decision.

Regards everything else, let her sort herself out. As others say, she may not be able to afford accommodation / hair / make up. Maybe you can ask if she still wants to be bridesmaid. I wouldn't ask a BM to do anything crafty or time consuming, because we all have our own lives, and expecting her to be excited may be a bit much. My friends and family are happy for me, and will come to my wedding, but I wouldn't call them excited. That's fine by me

On the same hand, I think BMs (and guests) expect too much from whomever is paying...

I dont think you are asking to much at all! She sounds like a nightmare! Have you sat her down and asked her if everything is ok? Maybe she has some personal issues goign on like the others have said but if that was me and I was being bridemaid for my friend of 18 months I would not act like that wether I had perosnal issues or not! As for the cost I am presuming this weddding has been planned for at least 12 months so she new full well costs etc. I can only go on the information you have given me but she sounds like she really couldnt care less. Does she even want to be your brdiesmaid? I would ask her.

I’ve been a bridesmaid before and now I’m the bride. I really didn’t enjoy being a bridesmaid, I felt I had too much pressure put on me from the Bride and it really tested our friendship. I think if I was asked by any of my other friends, I’d say no. Now I have 2 bridesmaids, I try not to pressure them as I know how I felt. Your bridesmaid reminds me a bit of how I was.

I had a lot of other issues going on when I was BM and it was really hard to be supportive when I had my own issues going on. I know how stressful it is for you as a B2B myself but try not to pressure her too much.

I would ask her if she still wants to be your BM. Maybe email or text her rather than confront her face to face. It might be she can’t handle the pressure and says no – which is rubbish for you but at least you’d know and it’s one less stress for you.

You definately need to get to the bottom of this, whats going to happen if the hotels get all booked up! She's doing herself no favours either if its financial as the prices will only go up the longer she waits too!

It's awful but from my experience, this is quite normal for BMs.

One of mine just had nothing to offer or say and literally did nothing but turn up on the day (with a face like thunder and burst out of her dress as she'd put that much weight on the 6 months' prior). If she didn't want the attention or fuss I'd rather she had just declined.

My SIL was my other BM and she was also a nightmare, however, I think the main reason for this boiled down to jealously. I won't get in to it but she's in a messed up relationship and although wants to get married, knows she never will.

I think I would have it out with her (gently) and try and see if there is a major problem such as money.

Like the others have said i would have a quiet word at the end of this you presumably still want to be friends after 18 yrs i expect you know each other pretty well and deep down maybe she has a problem and doesnt feel she can talk to you about it and in not wanting to tell you or let you down is letting you down anyway if that makes sense maybe she is short of money and cant buy shoes, hair make up etc but doesnt want to admit it as for the hen do my cbm hasnt attempted to do anything but by best friend who isnt a bm her choice has arranged the whole thing without being asked but i'm not annoyed about it she has other stuff going on at home, we all get sucked into the b2b bubble and unfortunately not everyone else is on the same bus, good luck but do have that chat before it gets out of hand x x