My bridesmaid just dropped out and I'm disappointed

At least 3 of my best friends from home (who would have been my bridesmaids) won't be able to attend my wedding in June 2022 at all, thanks to Covid restrictions in Malaysia / Singapore / Australia. My family also may not be able to travel to UK from Malaysia for my wedding because of Covid and health issues.

It is very upsetting not to have my family and friends be with me on my special day. I was quite upset for a period of time when I know my dad can't travel to me to walk me down the aisle (still upset actually, as I've always wanted him to give me away). Spent quite a few weeks weeping over it. But in light of recent times, I have had to accept the cold hard truth that some people just may not be able to make my wedding, and it's not because they intentionally can't make it, but because of circumstances.

I have 3 bridesmaids, and one of them is going through some serious health issues, and I've told her if she needs to drop out, I'd be OK with it.

Try and be supportive to your friend. The main thing is she's told you now that she's struggling with this and she sees it as a potential problem, and not tell you at the last minute when you've arranged and paid for her dresses, bouquet, shoes, make up and hair, and you might have to suffer loss of monies because of her last minute cancellation (unless you don't mind losing the money).

I pray that you'll be able to soon accept that your closest, oldest friend may not be able to attend your wedding. The acceptance stage will come in time. (Fake it until you make it for now). There's still plenty of time, between now and then. If she does feel better closer to your wedding, and she can make it, there are other ways for her to get involved, like doing the reading. Hugs to you, from another bride.

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Thanks for the understanding

I think I'm just disappointed and really sad, since it feels like she's committed to being unhappy rather than getting help, and from her phrasing she also fully expected me to never speak to her again. It feels like she's chosen to be unhappy and lose a friendship (though she hasn't) rather than fight for her own happiness. It's hard to get my head around.

As far as I'm aware, she doesn't have a diagnosis of anxiety or take medication at all, and I feel like if I try and push her to get help, it'll seem like I'm doing it selfishly - which wouldn't be the case, but I can see how it might be perceived that way.

It’s so hard - just try and let her know you are there for her - regardless of the wedding. It’s totally understandable that you are really disappointed, as you should be, but try and focus on her when you talk to her. Take your disappointment out elsewhere (lovely people to listen to you here!). Maybe try suggesting some helpful options for her that stop short of a scary intervention - eg there are really good apps and useful websites out there. Or, just be there for her - send her a care package or just nice messages to remind her that you care.
One of my best friends and BMs will be 7 months pregnant when we get married and she’s already started to plant the seed that she might not make it (she lives abroad so travel might not be possible). Whilst I really want her there, our friendship means more to me than her attendance at our wedding (no matter how disappointed I’d be). Luckily she’s in charge of her own dress but I do agree that knowing earlier is a good thing in terms of not losing money for a last minute cancellation - perhaps something your friend had in mind.

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That's pretty much what I've been trying to do. I've told her that of course I'm sad and disappointed, but I understand and that her health is always more important and should always be the priority.
She had totally dropped off the radar and gone totally radio silent on me for weeks before she messaged this morning, and all I'd been able to get out of her was a short message that said she was having a rough patch, so I've already sent her care packages and messages of support and reiterated that sentiment today.
I just feel like though at first the idea of giving me plenty of notice is kinder from her perspective, she's also committing to being unhappy by doing so. Of course, she's welcome to come to the wedding and change her mind later, but I don't believe she'll do that since she seems determined to be unhappy.
I've sent her several messages this morning in support and trying to help her and point her in a more positive direction to get the help she needs, but once again I'm getting complete silence and no response from her.
I'm struggling to get on with my day and concentrate on other things, and I know this is because I'm upset, but I wish she could at least acknowledge my responses and get some help, be it online, from a psychologist, or just talk to her friends instead of isolating herself.

Totally get that - wish I could do more than empathise. I have (another) friend who is like this - she has anxiety issues and she is getting help but she disappears for weeks at an end and I just wish I could help. There is a limit to what you can do but hopefully she’ll realise it’s ok to not be ok and seek some professional help. She’s lucky to have a friend like you.

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Thanks for the empathy though, it definitely makes me feel slightly better about the whole thing.
Just wish I could help too. She's in a very rural place without a great deal of support around her (and about an 8-hour drive from where I am), so I feel like that's not helping. Her mum is local, but an odd woman who may honestly be encouraging her to wallow... :/
I'm tempted to suck it up and drive over and see her, but I don't really know how I'd be received at this point.

Glad to be of any help - it’s tough on you too.
That’s a really hard one - it’s a long way if she doesn’t want contact but your willingness to do it speaks volumes. Is there anyone mutual who lives any nearer to her?

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Your friend sounds like she may have depression also. I don't think she's committed to being unhappy, but being in that dark place is a tough place to be. When one is anxious and depressed, one tends to think that no one wants to be their friend. (I know, cause I suffered from bad depression previously, and now I'm mostly just anxious, but I still sometimes get paranoid that no one wants to be my friend). Depression is a very lonely dark place, and she just needs reassurance and support.

Right now, you just need to be there for her, and tell her if she needs you, you'll be there to listen. Try and gently encourage her to seek out some counselling or CBT and go from there. Think of her as a very skittish deer in headlights!

I'm not sure if you're experiencing any stress or anxiety yourself with the wedding, but in case you are, I will also advise you this: try not to get too immersed in supporting your friend at this time. Cause you'll end up burning out yourself too. Be there for her, but also watch out for your own energy reserve levels.

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One of my bridesmaid who's having health issues is also like this at the moment. Not particularly communicative or responsive. I want to be supportive to her as a friend, and not pressure her as a bride. I want to be there to listen, but her lack of a response made me slightly anxious that maybe she's mad with me. I reached out and she messaged back to say she's not mad, she's just dealing with a lot of emotions and health issues and have very limited capacity of managing things that are not as important on her radar at the moment (like answering questions about bridesmaid dresses) but promised to be there for me if I need her to.

We just need to hang in there and be OK with our friend going through a rough patch. There is light at the end of the tunnel for our friends and for us. We just need to get through this now and emerge on the other side where there is light and close friendships again.

Really sorry to hear this - it must be so disappointing.

As another comment mentioned, at least she's said this before you've spent any money on her bridesmaid gear... she might have been trying to spare you this by saying this so far in advance.

It does surprise me that she's saying no to the wedding at all so far in advance. Maybe reach out to her and say that you completely understand if being a bridesmaid is too much, but she's still one of your best friends and you'd still love to have her there as a guest if she feels able to be there? If she's said in the message that she thought it would be the end of your friendship pulling out as a bridesmaid, maybe she fears she's not welcome at all now? Anxiety can mess with your head like that so it might be that she just needs a bit of reassurance that she's still welcome even if she doesn't take on this role.

Ultimately, remember that this day is for you and your future spouse - and no one else really matters. You'd still want to marry them even if no one else was there, right? So while it sucks that one of your best friends isn't going to be there to share it with you, the most important person is going to be there for the rest of your life

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The irony is, I thought I was so well prepared - apart from her dress, I'd already got everything for her as a bridesmaid. Fortunately, I can send some of it back.
I was surprised, too - it seems like a long time ahead to predict not feeling well enough to come, but she's not really left things open for discussion in her message.

I definitely intend to let her know she's welcome as a guest, but I don't think she'll want to do that either, based on what she's said. She's in Wales, and the wedding in Scotland, so it's a long journey for her, and that seems to be part of where her anxiety is stemming from, as much as anything else. I'll make sure she knows she's welcome though.

I'm trying to focus on the positives, and remember the important part is that I get to marry my FH. It's just such a shame she can't be there for it.

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Unfortunately not. She moved really far away for university back in 2008, so most of the people she's still friends with are a distance away. Her university friends also moved away after uni finished, but she stayed when her mum and sister moved down there, but I feel like her isolation is definitely contributing to her struggle to manage her anxiety.
If I can get a response from her any time soon, I think I'll go visit.

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This was initially what I thought was the problem with my friend. She only vaguely mentioned she was struggling and then stopped replying to messages and so on. I did wonder if it was something she was mad at me about, as up until my FH and I got engaged, I think the reality of my being in a long-term relationship while she remained single hadn't sunk in. I do think there's an edge of her feeling lonely and maybe a little bit envious that's contributing, as well as the anxiety.
I just need her to know that no matter what, I'll be there to help. Unfortunately, she seems determined to struggle alone, and I can't force her to get help or help herself, or even open up

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I hope your friend feels better soon, and you have a wonderful wedding too.

I'm so sorry you've been disappointed in this way.

I don't think it necessarily means that your friend is committed to not getting any better though. It may simply be that right now, she feels unable to contemplate the idea of the wedding, and that it is causing her a lot of stress in the present moment. So to work on her mental health, she is having to remove that source of stress.

If you are suffering from extreme anxiety, it's not always possible to say 'this isn't happening for six months, therefore I don't need to worry about it now'. And she may also be worried that the closer it gets to the wedding, the more upset you will be if she drops out, which in itself will add to the pressure she is feeling.

As someone who struggles with anxiety I would have done it the same way as your friend, because I wouldn't have wanted to drop it on you close to the time. The issue with anxiety is we can have good patches and a bad patch could come on in the blink of an eye, and me personally, it wouldn't be a case of committing to unhappiness or preferring to give up a friendship rather than get help, it would be more that I wouldn't want to risk YOU being disappointed if I couldn't make it at the drop of a hat because I had a sudden episode, and that I would be prepared for YOU to end the friendship, because I was being difficult (because I wasn't going to come)... It's from a place of love, I promise you, even if it doesn't seem that way. 💜