My family are ruining my wedding :(

How rotten. You need to sit your mum down and tell her what you've just told us and how it's making you feel. Maybe write it down and make her read it. It is your wedding, not there's. Tell her you don't want their money if it comes with these conditions. Your mum, or dad, then needs to handle your grandparents. Good luck. Xx

Thanks Pammy67. My sister (who is luckily on my side and against our cousins and aunt being there too!) and I have already emphasised this to both my nan and mum. Unfortunately they're stubborn and childish, and it's worse than talking to a brick wall. (I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which has been found by a psychiatrist to be caused by my family's "neglect and invalidation of my emotional needs during both childhood and adolescence", just to give you an idea of how bad they are in terms of listening and showing a bit of empathy!) Anyways.... Long story short, I could print out my original post and make her read it, but she'd just screw it into a ball and tell me that I'm being ridiculous. Plus I already heard my nan whispering to my mum about inviting people without my knowledge. If people turn up to my wedding uninvited by me, there'll be hell to pay!!! I'm just at the last straw now, I think any more arguments about it and I'm just going to tell my side of the family that the wedding's cancelled, and just have my fiance's family there, they're much nicer to be around and are nowhere near as screwed up as my family!

Sorry to hear that you feel this way about your wedding. It should be such a happy time. I agree with Pammy; try telling (or showing) your mum how you feel.

They sound an utter nightmare. Perhaps you should tell them that you are seriously considering cancelling it. Could you elope and then just have a big party?

Just read your ranty thread, and I feel so bad for you, especially with the wedding being so close! I think I'd have gone on a bridezilla rampage in your situation... maybe it's not too late?

I'd love to take you up on your offer, but your dad seems like my mum, I don't think they'd listen!

Maybe I should take my own advice, Bridezilla rampages all around!

good luck xxx

And Pammy67, have already discussed the eloping option with my other half, he's up for it, but like me, feels guilty about the money his parents have already put down. ah well, maybe we can pay them it back over time, and have them as our witnesses or something to make up for it! and I wouldn't be able to have a big party, my family would flip... they went crazy when I got engaged, as 'nobody asked my mums permission.' honestly.

I think that you and your OH need to go visit HIS parents so that you can have an honest discussion with them about the situation. Tell them what's going on and ask for their advice.

No matter what you do you won't please your family, so stop trying!

Elope. If his parents are supportive and sane then have them as your witnesses. By the sounds of your family you will have a much more enjoyable day eloping.

Either that or reject their money and pay for it youraelves, then they have no say. Sorry you are having a hard time, I wish you all the best :-)

This sounds like an awful situation to be in, and to pick up on what sounds like a more minor point, do you even like the dress your nan paid for? I think I would be eloping if I were in your situation because this sort of controlling behaviour would just be too much!

Ok - your mum and nan are ignoring what you want because they're too close to you. This is where your OH gets to play a big important part - set it up so he's with you, and they're both there, then bring up all the issues and have HIM say 'this is what we want and this us what we'll have, I hope you'll respect our decisions.' Much like the kids who won't listen to patents, but pay attention to someone else, I think a firm message from your OH might do the trick. It may not feel very 'girl power' calling in your man to speak for you, but you're a team now and at different times each of you need to take the lead. Stick to your guns, work with your OH and have the wedding YOU want.

Have the wedding that you and your oh want or you'll regret it for the rest of your lives. You're adults and should be making your own decisions, it's not your familes wedding. If I was you I would either elope or pay for the wedding myself and not tell them any of the plans.

If money wasn't the issue, I would love to tell you to just elope! They really are being rude and unfair. How awful for you

People have really wierd ideas of what's 'right' for a wedding, without realising there is no such thing as 'right' except for what the bride and groom want.

Where my OH comes from, everyone who's coming has a plus-one - even if they're single. Even I needed one of our friends to back me up in explaining to my OH that it doesn't need to be like that in England!

I think JontyWoggle has a good idea. You need others to back you up and tell your Nan and Mum this on your behalf. to lie and tell them this is not the done-thing and they're being out of order. This isn't a party for everyone in the world and the most important people are you two and that's it.

They might just dig their heels in and invite people anyway, but tell them it will be even more embarrassing for them if the people they invite turn up and they are turned away because they don't have a specific invitation from the two of you.

If you can afford to get married without their financial help then do that. Don't give them any chance to blackmail you.

This must be very upsetting for you. you must be very angry (rightly so) that they are not taking your feelings into account.

There are already some great ideas on how to deal with this on here, so I don't really feel like I can add very much, but I didn't want to read and run. I am a firm believer in your wedding, your rules. I think small compromises for family are fine, but this sounds like a hostile takeover! I really hope you can either make them understand, or get away all together so you can have things your way! Please keep us updated, we all want to know that you get what you want in the end x

What an awful time you are having. I agree with everyone else, whilst your family are an important part of your day it is YOUR day and should be based around what you want. The advice you have been given so far is spot on, unfortunately you are going have to be the 'grown up' in this situation and just calmly explain how you are feeling.

Good luck!!

Just tell tel if they don't stop you'll cancel the wedding over here and do it abroad with only friends invited!
Should soon sort out the problem x

Thanks for all the good advice people! Think youre right, my OH is going to have to step up and explain the situation to them... the only problem is that theyre so pig headed they wont listen to him, plus the poor man is petrified of them (he works in mental healtg, and is more afraid of them than some of the aggressive unstable people he works with, and he actively avoids them.

The best course of action for me is probably to sit with OH and his parents, and seriously consider cancelling this wedding in favour of eloping, or having a tiny ceremony without my family being involved.

I really feel for you! I agree with everyone else. I think your Mum needs to be told that she is making you consider cancelling the wedding. It is not her wedding, so she cannot control it nor invite people. If she doesn't listen, then consider alternatives, like eloping, changing the date at your venue and not telling your family, having a tiny wedding with just OH's family.

You have to do what is right for you and is going to make you happy.

Good luck!!

x

Its always hard when your parents are paying for it/towards it. My dad (being italian & traditional) added about 25 people to our guestlist. At first i was a bit shocked & thought he was going to be over powering with the whole planning. But apart from the guestlist he's let us get on with it & do what we want. I think 'well he is paying for most of it, he can invite who he wants!' I dont know how id cope if my dad was acting like your mum! Its a hard situation.

If you can afford the wedding without your families help then I would do it, if you think that will stop them interfearing.

I completely understand how you feel. I have a cousin who said she would pretty much pay for the entire wedding and gave us a lot towards it there and then so that we could start putting deposits down. Of course, it was an amazing surprise and me and my fiancé were really grateful. However, no more than a week later after we had already started putting deposits down on things she starts going ballistic that we are having our reception in a field with a marquee and not in a fancy stately home type of place. My fiancé and I have both always wanted it like this because we too aren’t the traditional type and we want loads of outdoor entertainment very much like a fun fair because that is just us. My cousin always knew this was how we wanted it so we obviously thought she would just be happy for us to have our wedding the way we wanted it but obviously not. Now she says she wishes that she never gave us anything towards the wedding in the first place and to be honest I don’t feel like spending her money now knowing that she now resents giving it. It makes it all the more difficult that we have already put deposits down with her money and my fiancé doesn’t seem to care that she is now being like this and that so long as she has already given us most of the money who cares about how she reacts. The other problem is that if we did just give it all back, I doubt we could get married at all as we are seriously struggling to get by on what we already have and I have even said to my mum and fiancé that at this point I would rather we just got eloped and forget all the expenses and and anyone else interfering. At least we would still be married and that’s the main thing but my fiancé won’t hear of this and so I just don’t how this situation can be resolved.