My hen do - I feel a bit ungrateful

I'm having a two parter, which I'm actively involved in organising (sorry!) - our holiday is a week in early October, over 2 months before I get married, and night out with the mums on 1st November, six weeks before the big day. It's just the way it's worked out with availability - and since we're all staying over at the hotel the night before I should imagine we'll do something girly then which will feel more like an "old-fashioned" hen.

Can't really help with the costings thing, since as you don't know plans you can't offer to change them/ help out with costs, but maybe mention the fact that you feel awkward about it to your planners?

BTW Conversely I do wonder if I'm missing out a bit by not having the girls planning me a secret.

Have you asked why it's two months before?! It does seem quite far in advance but if there's a big group of you I might just be down to logistics!

My OH is going on his stag do (to Germany) with 7 of his friends next week, which is 2.5 months before our wedding. I'm delighted that it's this far in advance as I'd be far too worried about something happening to him closer to the wedding (didn't a hitcher recently say her OH fell over and knocked his teeth out or something)!

Be grateful that you have a group of friends who are organising a lovely suprise for you. Not everyone does (boohoo!)

Two months before is quite early but it may have been a nightmare to find a date that everyone can do, depending on how many people are going and what their work situation is it can be hard to get everyone together for an entire weekend. Also only one person has said they can't afford it, I'd wait and if lots of people back out then I'd be worried but leave them to it for now.

Personally I don't find it weird. My HD is 2 months before the wedding, OH'S stag do more than 3 months before the wedding. Both other hen do's I'm going on this summer are at least 6weeks before the wedding.

I think I prefer the fact my do is a couple of months before the wedding. It means in the weeks leading up to the wedding I can concentrate on final arrangements and make sure I've caught up on work seeing as I'll be off for a couple of weeks.

I should also point out that 99% of my hens work shifts, so finding a suitable date for everyone was also a factor.

Enjoy your hen do and maybe in the week leading up to the wedding go out for a meal or a few drinks with the girls helping organise as a bit of a thank you.

My hen do was three months before the wedding!!

Few reasons mainly....I needed to go home and sort some stuff out for the wedding and I wanted to spread out my limited annual leave and wanted to have my hen do near home. I know I won't be able to go home again between the holiday I had and the wedding so hence having it three months beforehand. Also I work tons of weekends and getting time off can be tricky. Plus it does kinda spread the cost out for some people. I'm kinda glad I got it out of the way as it ended up being really stressful as my bridesmaids were all falling out and I couldn't have dealt with that so close to the wedding .

I think its sort of each to their own.

Why is 2 months before weird???

isnt it just common sense

long gone are the days of stags and hens just before the wedding mainly due to practicality, in the old days EVERYTHING was done for you (stag/hen and wedding) all you need was to show up...

now a days I think it safe to say we mostly plan the weddings (which tend to be bigger afairs than they use to) by ourselves, I would hate to have 5/6 days to the wedding a million things to sort and a hang over - maybe im just getting old and dont bounce back well but sometimes a night out can take 3 days to recover from and thats not necessarily from drink either but from things like muscle strain from dancing or running etc... not to mention if you hurt yourself (say you go over in your heels and strain your ankle or land on your wrist) or god forbid stubble into 2 drunks having a fight and get a black eye (never happened to me but its a possibility as ive seen happen to others) or even get food poisoning from a dodgy take away... unless its an incredibly safe outing like cream tea with sandwiches and then a facial or something I think the risks are just silly (and even with that you could have an allergic reaction to a facial etc...)

+ if they are going to you wedding in a week I doubt they will want to travel twice or take a whole week off work etc... and thats two expenses really close together, a week just seems ridiculously close to a wedding to hold a hen do to me

To be honest, we're having a pool party at our villa and maybe out to a few bars on the Friday night (the wedding is the Sunday) and said we might be persuaded to wear some tacky veils that night just for giggles so that might be a bit of a joint unofficial hen ..

I'm not ungrateful and I know there'll be a reason it's been organised as it has ... it's just my controlling side wanting to get involved!

Mine is 2 months before, mainly for the weather. We're getting married in November and figured September was the closest we could have it to the wedding but still have a chance of good weather

exactly, this is why I asked for something cheap to be organised as everyone already has the expense of the wedding. I was thinking along the lines of a night out locally, or hiring a mini bus and going to a different city nearby live Liverpool or Leeds or something ... but now it's a whole weekend!

I think people like it to be way in advance, so that the costs fall into a different paycheck to the actual wedding.

That's my main guess as to why that tends to happen nowadays....

Hens used to be at home, with BYOB just before the wedding in the olden days. Now it's a night out, often with an organised 'thing' eg. cocktail making class or a strip show, or a pricey weekend away. Costs are different, and so the timings are adapted to reflect this.

x

I think the timing and it being a full weekend are possibly linked - I'm having a full weekend away with my two closest friends a month before my wedding and then a wider night out just prior to the wedding. If it was just a simple night out it would probably be closer.

I think you have a valid concern given you asked for a low cost hen do and it's ended up being a full weekend away. A weekend away soon adds up cost wise. Even if other people haven't cancelled, it might be putting a strain on their finances which is the last thing you want to do.

Maybe a quiet word with one of the organisers asking what the total cost for the weekend has been as you are concerned that someone has said they can't afford it? You don't want to sound ungrateful so phrasing is probably key.

But in terms of timing - as I said - it sounds like a big weekend has been planned and often you have these months prior to the actual wedding.

Could you have a quiet word with the friend who isn't able to come and just ask what has been planned? Explain to her you'd asked for something that everyone could afford to attend and you'd like to know what's happening before you speak to the organisers?

I don't know if its weird or not, but I would say that if only one of your friends can't make it, thats pretty good going!! I suggest you relax, let them take control, assume they have all discussed it and are happy with the cost, time etc.. and just go and enjoy it xxx

I had my hen do - two months before! A lot of us work in schools so his coincided with the half term and I didn't want to do it on a weekend during term time. Also people book weekend things in advance so the run up to the wedding was quite tight for a lot of friends. Also, I had quite a few people not make it - I had about 11 people there and they were all my nearest and dearest. My BMs also organised the whole things without me which was brilliant as it was one less thing to worry about!

I thought or month or two before the wedding was quite common? My hen will probably be about 2 months before, due to using different paychecks like pp said, it is more practical.

I know your are bummed out that your close friend cannot make it HOWEVER perhaps a week before your big day you could arrange a little tea party or something with your closest friends (missing one included so she can still get some 'hen action'), or maybe you could get your nails done, just something low key and easy to organise (so not to add to the last minute stress of the wedding), unless of course you and your friends have a bit more money and time for a spa day or something.

HTH, and I hope you have a wonderful time on your hen do!

I'd speak to your friends organising it and as if anything can be arranged for people to maybe pick and choose what they come to. So Maybe your close friend can't afford it but they could afford to come for the meal part or pamper bit etc make sure you're aware they know you'd want them telling people youd rather have them there for some of it rather than none of it!!

I'm having a hen do arranging nightmare ATM in that my BM are trying to force me into having strippers and it's the last thing I want ???

Definitely see if your friend could maybe come to some of it? Or do something else that she can do nearer the time.

My hen do is next week...over 5 months before the wedding. We are going to ladies day at ascot so it had to be this far in advance. I don't mind though, my bms know its something I will love so i think its worth having my main hen do this early. we will probably do something more low key just before the wedding in November.

Maybe have a second smaller hen do ? I'm having two as my first one is RollerDisco !!! ( some people couldn't do it or didn't fancy it which is fine )A mere three weeks before the wedding too ! I'm not planning on breaking anything, expect the world record for the fast hen on skates. My fella's do is the week of our wedding. He goes away on the Monday and will be back Wednesday evening. We get married on the Friday. I'd like to say I'm not a bit worried about this but I can't.

I'm having mine the month before, and OHs will be two months before - wanted to spread out the cost and the excitement!

Plus 2 months will hopefully be long enough for OH to get home/mended/grow back eyebrows etc....

A girl i went to school with had her hen do about 3 weeks ago and still has another 2 months to go until her big day, which is abroad!

My hen do is 6 months before the wedding!!!!! However the reasons behind that is I get married in April during the Easter Holidays and one of my BM's is a school teacher so I knew the away hen doo had to be during half term in the February which I was fine with, but since our wee kiddos are starting school we had to factor in our annual leave with school holidays with time off for the actual wedding, we decided we would go during the school holidays in October!! OH is going to have his stag doo in the mid term in Feb as I will be off work anyway to look after kiddos since they wont be at school, that way it saves taking 2 sets of long weekends off 6 weeks before the wedding!!

I did think it was a bit early but then who really cares...there aren't any hard rules regarding when a hen doo must take place. It also helps my other BM as she is MOM at her cousins wedding which is the week before mines, so she will have her hen doo aswell!! It also means no hard saving after the Christmas period for a hen doo and a wedding.

Plus it means I have plenty of time for the home hen nights with the rest of my friends and family!!

And SillyWrong....I'm in the same boat - I know nothing apart from the date and that we are flying to the destination!!!! xx