My MIL is a snoop!

Anjumanji, when you first posted, i was also of the opinion that you should tell your husband to sort his mother out, and in no uncertain terms. It's blatantly unacceptable to go through someone's private papers like that. I'd be pretty miffed if my inlaws even started going into my house and making themselves at home when i wasn't there.

I agree, a solution is hard to find, as it sounds like the cultural issues within your family prevent action that most would be contemplating at this point.

It makes me think of Sex and the City - where Charlotte marries Trey, and his mother is very dominant and interfering. However, after she accidentally walks in on them having sex, she's mortified and starts to realise where the boundaries should be! Could you arrange for her to find something so personal or private that it would embarass her into keeping her nose out of your business? Or would that just be unthinkable given the culture and values of your family? Desperate times call for desperate measures...!

You have my sympathy though - it sounds like a horrible situation.

I really feel for you A, I can see you're stuck culturally with this old bag. I wonder how often Asian MILs die in semi-suspicious circumstances!

I think the filing cabinet/hidden safe option might be worth a go for really important stuff but I don't think it's practical to hide your daily life from this woman.

You must really love your H because I'd have run a million miles from this woman and her son by now.

From what you have said you cannot combat this in a rational way, because you do not have rational people in your H and his mother to deal with over this.

So, I would go for :

1. a last ditch attempt to make your h understand how muich you feel his mother is violating your privacy, and try to get SOME boundaries agreed

2. the locked box/filing cabinet solution.

3. get a security alarm installed that she doesn't know the code too.

I wouldn't worry about being passive agressive in this instance as she is being very manipulative and controlling and is not going to respond to common sense

L
xx

I would buy/borrow a big fuck off massive safe in which to keep some "VERY important and private stuff" and leave it in a very prominent place in the house. For security reasons only you know the code to it and you can't tell anyone else it, not even your husband.

The thought of her turning herself inside out wondering what was in there and how to get into it would make me smile inside.

Oh, and the only thing I would leave out would be a notebook, with a sheet headed 'how to deal with snooping' and all of the ideas on this thread on it, with a note at the bottom to name and shame the snooper at www.catchasnooper.com

L
xx

I really feel for you, that is totally unacceptable behaviour.

if i was you i'd be talking to my husband again and trying to make him see how serious this situation is. i just wouldn't be able to live like that and really don't think anyone should have to put up with it.

You know, in all honesty I'd move. I'df be applying for jobs far far away like anyones business.

However, as that may not be practical and house selling is not fun ATM, I would actually go through your house and lock away ANY personal items. So when she comes in, the bloody place looks like a show home. She'll feel about as comfortable as one would in one too. Seriously, Books, DVDs, computer, everything out if sight. I'd invest in loads of either those shrink wrap bags or under bed storage bags and put everything in there, along with a note (to your son, i seem to recall you have one) saying "Mummys stuff. Big boys don't look at other adults things! Go and play with your own toys" or words to that effect, to make her feel like an utter pleb.

Any letters/ documentation would go under lock and key, which for the time being, I wouldn't even give my husband a copy of.

Its nota great way to live but neither is what you are going trhough now.

I would go for the burglar alarm too, if it wasn't for the fact she'd get the code from you. However, you could change it regularly and if she sets it off enough times she might become afraid to try?

I know she's a nightmare. How you've put up with it I've no idea.

I think the burglar alarm idea is genius - explain to her that it invalidates your insurance if you give the code to anyone not resident in the house. Then put every bit of paperwork in a filing cabinet, with the key on your keyring. Get a job lot of padlocks and bike chains and chain everything else closed. Horrible way to live, but it might get the message across to your husband if not to her.

Poor you - she sounds a complete and utter nightmare.

How about internal locks - on your bedroom, living room, kitchen. So if she did let herself, she could only literally go to the loo?! Then she does have spare keys and access to your house, just nothing inside!

Got to be worth a try...

N xx

I find the idea that somehow this is acceptable/more bearable/understandable (not quite sure of the right word, TBH) in a different cultural context upsetting. Do you really think your parents will think that you are a bad daughter, or that it will reflect badly on them because your MiL is a nasty piece of work? Surely they know that you are a fab wife and mother, no matter what that old bag thinks?

Respect for elders is one thing but this is taking it to extremes.

Second the idea about a safe/alarm though.

Edit: correcting supernanny type spelling.

I'm glad it's not just me who thinks this.

Hats off to you A as I think I'd be up on a murder charge by now if I were in your shoes.

I wouldn't be giving my husband the alarm code until he agreed to stand up to his mother, either ?

L
xx

This is my favourite suggestion! ?

Is your H an only child? If not how do your BIL/SILs cope with her, could they give you any tips or perhps help your H to see that she is being unreasonable and something needs to be done?

That is a ruddy genius idea. I would pay money if you could film it somehow.

?

Well I'd have already installed CCTV!

I don't envy you at all - one of my work colleagues is in a similar situation, except the in-laws live with them. Older son seems to have wriggled out of his responsibilities so younger son and d-i-l have his parents . . . except that, even though T and her husband pay the mortgage, everything is in m-i-l's name so they can't even move away

It's only been 10 years since T had her wages paid into her own account rather than directly into m-i-l's!

I think the problem is the OP cannot stand up to her for cultural reasons. plus, the husband sounds totally nut-less, and unless he deals with it, it ll carry on - and lets face it, he s not going to deal with it. so the OP either sucks it up, or leaves.

I've just got back from swimming and have had a read through of some of the brilliant suggestions here. I was just thinking that while i have the builder doing work on the other house I might get him to replace my wooden front door with a new double glazed one. I have a feeling that new door would come with a lock with keys that cannot be copied. It makes sense in the current climate to replace a door that lets in draughts in winter with one that keeps the heat in, no?

?Double glazed doors sound like a brilliant idea to save money.? Could the builders not install the alarm while they are there too ?

? I like the idea of the burglar alarm that she doesn't know the code to. just tell her it automatically changes every week so there's no point telling her... or tell her the wrong code and sit back and revel as she sets it all off ?

failing that, a pile of paperwork with a mousetrap hidden inside!!!!

I really feel for you ... ?

Normal double glazed door keys are as easy to copy as any other key AFAIAK. Sorry. I seem to remember something about security Yale locks where you need the lock to get keys cut (and not just a copy of the key). Not sure if they are still available though.

I think I would be putting some of these ideas into practice - the filing cabinet, locking everything away to show home levels and internal door locks all sound good. The child in me would want an alarm which she could set off on a regular basis. The petty child in me would also be trying to make my H's life as difficult in this too in the hope it would give him incentive to sort out some boundaries - as you roll over and suck it all up, he really has no reason to make his life difficult.

Whilst this may not actually be true, there's no reason why you shouldn't tell your MIL it's the case... ?

That line should actually read ' I would bloody make sure it came with keys that can't be copied'. Telling her would be one thing but she'd take the keys to the locksmith to make sure herself. If I go ahead with it, I'll make sure we get the keys that can't be copied but I won't mention it to her. That way when she does take them to get a set ,the locksmith will have to tell her it can't be done and I'll just have to plead ignorance and say I had no idea. ?

Could you add a bolt to the front door, then leave via the back door, or does she have a key for that as well?

Is there anyone who can put the fear of God into her?Not sure of her religeon but being catholic I would do as the priest told me.Other than that if she has keys just in case you get locked out she wouldn't need the alarm code.

Just a thought - I don't know if you are religious but I think you said your MIL is?

Would it be worth approaching her Imaan, explain how uncomfortable it makes you feel to have your MIL sneaking around your house, rifling through private papers etc, and asking for him to intervene and speak with your MIL?

Love some of these suggestions...I'd like to add..

- a pile of exciting looking papers with a sprinkle of itching powder lightly dusted across each sheet left on the kitchen worktop

- a strong looking safety deposit box...nothing in it, just left somewhere she can see it and not get into it...personally I think she'd explode with the stress of not knowing what was in there and how to get in it!

- A printed off (but made up) letter on where to hire a hitman, making sure it mentions MILs a speciality

- and possibly giving a friend your keys (a big scary bloke would do well...Chicken??) to sit in your house and wait for her to come in, then scare the living daylights out of her by running past her to make it look like she disturbed an intruder...might give her a heart attack there and then? If she tries to get the police involved, you can explain that she scared the life out of your friend who was in your house...he thought it was a burglar as he knew you weren't due back so ran out screaming to scare the burglar!

I really don't know how you cope...really. Seriously, you might HAVE to get a lockable safe to keep things in, so that she at least gets the message and hopefully loses interest in coming round to snoop. If she stops, you can start living normally again.

Or get one of those cheap alarms that emit the sound of a large barking dog when the door opens

L
Xx

Or a large, barking, slobbery dog...........

I still think you should murder her. We can hatch a plan on here, it will be foolproof and you will never get caught. ? & ?

I love this suggestion, it made me laugh out loud!

As for locking things away, I really have nothing of interest at home. It's not even documents she snoops for, it's stupid things like the hideous T shirt she bought H as a gift which got put in a bag and lobbed in the cupboard under the stairs along with all our other rubbish. This is when she was looking for the hoover by the way. She asked why it was that he'd never worn the T shirt as she found it in the cupboard. I asked what she was doing looking in the cupboard and she said she was getting the hoover out.

As for asking an Imaan to speak to her, it would get twisted so that I would look as though I was making accusations and she was merely trying to help. An example would be along the lines of this: MIL 'I was only trying to help out my slovenly DIL by hoovering her living room for her and she accuses me of snooping'. Or, 'I was simply making sure that the kids didn't destroy her notebook and she turns around and says I was rifling through it'.

I tell you what, if I didn't love my H as much as I do, that woman would have made me leave him years ago.

Just a quick update. I cornered H a little while ago and told him that his mum's behaviour is just not on. He agreed that while he doesn't believe what she does is right, she doesn't seem to think the same. I laboured the point that normal people don't do what she does. Her own daughter refused to give her house keys and never answers the phone to her. H said that he understood but didn't know what to do. He knows that if he says anything it'll be turned around and things will be worse.

I told him that I'd spoken to the builder and asked him to pop over to quote me for a new front door. H said it wouldn't solve the problem of the keys as his mum would still want them. I told him about the ones you can't get copied. He then asked what would happen if we did get locked out, and I told him that it comes with spares, we just wouldn't tell his mum about them!

Anyway he knows that something has to be done and it looks as though I may well be getting a new front door.

How come his sister has got away with not handing spare keys over?

Print a copy of this thread out and leave it around for her to find.