My mum

That's a tough one.

You need to face the fact that not inviting her will almost certainly end any chance of a good relationship with her- at least for many years. And I definitely wouldn't lie to her about it - she would be bound to find out anyway at some point.

I don't think people will necessarily judge you or regard you different based on how your mother behaves - most people will understand how hard it is to exclude a parent from a wedding. If she starts spouting conspiracy theories, people are just likely to feel sympathy for you! The bigger issue is how her behaviour might impact on your chief bridesman.

How would she respond to a frank conversation? "Mum, I know how you feel about LGBTQ relationships. {Friend's name] is going to be my chief bridesman. I want your assurance that you are not going to say anything that might upset him." If she promised to be polite, would she be likely to keep that promise? Or would she just say whatever it took to make you happy and then proceed to ignore her promises?

I always find it a tricky one when people have unkind attitudes toward others. Part of me thinks I don't want them around even if they don't say things - because I know they'll be thinking them! But part of me thinks that introducing them to the group of people they dislike might make them realise that these 'horrible people' are actually human beings with good qualities.

Obviously, if she won't agree to behave then I don't think you've got much choice but to leave her out.

View quoted message Thank you for your answer, really appreciated! I was thinking about what she would do if I would tell her to keep her irritating opinion to herself and I am honestly not sure if she would keep her promise. That's the problem. If I could be sure I would just talk to her but I can't. This is driving me crazy honestly

I could have written this! My mum is also the same, she has some big opinions and I’ve been scared about what she will say on the day. I worried myself over it and I eventually said something back in February along the lines of “just to warn you, this person is coming, please be nice”. Well my mum proceeded to kick off at me and then ignored me for 6 weeks, my wedding is in just over a month and I am not even sure if she’s coming anymore. To add, my oldest sister passed nearly 2 years ago and my mum is very anti-social anyway and gets loud and awkward in social situations but she is also heavily grieving and I thought even if she doesn’t say anything, sometimes she looks and acts so mean that people would get a bad impression of her/of me.
So really, depending on what your mum is like and if she can take the criticism or not. If not, I would suggest not worrying too much about it and just leaving things be. She is not you and her opinions aren’t yours!

View quoted message Oh no, this is really very similar! Very sorry for the loss of your sister, that's so sad. I really hope your mum is not going to try to ruin your big day. It's such a difficult situation

View quoted message Thank you so much 😔
I hope your mum doesn’t ruin your day either and I hope you come up with a solution! It’s such a hard position to be in but I hope we both get through it!

View quoted message

I guess at least if you talk to her, she can't come back with 'I didn't think you'd mind' or 'well, I wasn't expecting a gay person to be in the bridal party' or any other 'excuse' for being unkind.

The only thing is, if she says that she doesn't care how you feel, she is going to be rude to him if she wants to, then you're not left with much choice but to ban her from the wedding - because inviting someone that you know is going to be horrible to another guest would be unfair to that other guest. (If she says she will be polite, then I think you just have to take her at her word, but be prepared to take action if she breaks that promise once she's at the wedding)

So I guess it's whether you want to keep a low profile and hope your mother behaves, or whether you want to confront the issue head-on, knowing that you could potentially have to ban your mother.

If there is one thing I've learned from this whole wedding planning process is that if it doesn't bring me or my fiancee joy, it's out. You need to make it an active thought in your brain that the day is about your happiness, and that alone. If the idea of her being there causes you stress, honestly just don't invite her. There might be a bigger conversation to have at some point but for now do what brings you the most happiness, and the least stress! It's a day to be happy and joyous, not stressed and worried.
Have an amazing day and the best of luck!

View quoted message Thank you, I think you might be right❤️