Newbie - elopement a good idea? Advice needed!!!

There is another option, why not have a quiet civil ceremony in this country for just the immediate family, then a church blessing for everyone you want there then abig party for all the rest.

Follow this with a honeymoon.

What about eloping say to Gretna Green, just the two of you and your daughter, say on a Friday, then host a reception on the Saturday, then a separate honeymoon for a few days just the two of you? You could have a minister do the ceremony but not in a Church?

If that's what you're happy with of course. You're compromising a lot and i don't think it would hurt him to compromise too.

We are getting married this dec abroad and we knew when booking if the reality of oh's parents attending was by slim due to health etc and that my parents would be there in a heart beat as they had no restrictions. It was a tough choice but neither of us were 100% happy looking round UK venues etc so we have found our balance. We are getting married abroad and having a 'reception' back home with food cake etc. I cannot stress how tough it is hearing your loved ones cannot attend but you need to do what you want. Ohs family are over the moon for us as we will be skyping the ceremony and we will be wearing wedding dress etc in the UK so it will feel like a regular reception. Anyway I'm waffling but I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel for u! With regards to it being a honeymoon too but wanting your child there for the wedding have you thought about for example a wedding in a french chateau followed by you leaving the day after to travel elsewhere in France/Europe and your lil one going back home with your parents? That way you get the wedding abroad and the honeymoon too? Or flying to a different country from there etc? it sounds to me like you have a lot to consider and my only advice is do not rush and create mood boards of things you like. We found ours ended up blue and silver and very winter themed so we naturally thought snow and we had been to lapland before. It took us 6 months to realise what we wanted so don't make any rash decisions :-)

If it's an elopement then it would just be you two and your daughter.

I kinda agree with your OH if he's saying he doesn't want a church wedding. It's something you should probably expect to sacrifice if you marry an atheist! From what you've said, I think you should consider a secular ceremony in a nice hotel. That way, you can invite who you like.

There is no compromise on the ceremony - it's religious or it isn't. If you have a religious ceremony (even not in a church - we had one in the blacksmith's shop at Gretna) it will be full of god references which your OH apparently doesn't want. If you have a civil one you won't be allowed anything even potentially religious in there. So one of you is gonna have to give in. I think you need to decide that before you even start considering venue and guest list.

This is a good point. For the official bit, it really is all or nothing so that's the bit you need to pin down first. I would suggest a blessing but your OH is clearly like me and has absolutely no interest in that, so its something you need to really think about how important it is to you and make it clear to him.

I'd try an suggest a compromise of a civil ceremony followed by a religious blessing, and it doesn't have to be abroad. I got married in a church the first time, because that's what you did when you got married, but not being religious it was wrong. So I see your OH's point of view with not wanting to make promises in front of a god he doesn't believe in. But as it's important to you, I think he should compromise too, and have a church blessing afterwards, that maybe his anti-religious family wouldn't want to come to.

As for honeymoon, we have 4 kids between us, and I've asked my mum to look after my 2 for a few days so we can get away just as. Very rarely happens since their dad disappeared off the scene 2 years ago! But then we're going away for a week as a family. They are a very big part of our lives and we want to include them, but we also want time for just us as it's our honeymoon. Maybe that would suit both of you? Just because you have a child doesn't mean you can't ever do anything on your own again, and I think it's important to have some 'you' time as well to remind yourself you're now a wife as well, and not just a mother.

In regards to the ceremony, we had a similar problem but coming from a different angle. Neither of us are particularly religious, but FFIL is. We didn't want to/couldn't get married in a church, but wanted to incorporate some religion into the ceremony.

In the end we've decided to get legallay married at the registry office a few days before the ceremony. The plan is to make this as non-romantic as possible - we just want to do the minimum we need to to be legal. Then, a few days later we are having our ceremony. My Dad is officiating the ceremony, as he is trained as a wedding celebrant in NZ. This means we can do what we want in the ceremony - and as part of it FFIL will do a religious reading and/or say a prayer.

Could you consider something like that, whereby you have a mixture of religion and non-religious parts to your ceremony, while doing the legal part separately?

Thank you lovely ladies! I feel a bit silly asking you for help on this but if I bring it up with family and friends I get advice and their opinion – and probably a lot more of that latter haha!

OH is being a bit stubborn about gong abroad. He thinks an elopement should be abroad and isn’t really willing to consider doing it in the UK. He thinks the definition of elopement is getting married in another country and once he gets these ideas in his head and he’s a stubborn wee sod!! I kind of see where he’s coming from and I’m happy to go abroad but I’m worried he’s not thinking about how other people will see this. We know his mum won’t travel – she’s said that to us a couple of times when we’ve talked about family holidays – so I feel picking to get married abroad feels like we are purposefully excluding his family. Am I over thinking this?

He’s also not backing down on having the wee one there. I’m trying to see his point of view but she’s my baby girl (and his) and I can’t imagine leaving her out of such an important day in our lives! I’ve suggested all the helpful scenarios you all pointed out (thank you btw – I hadn’t even thought of any of them!!) but so far no compromise yet. Am I being a bit Bridezilla by wanting her there and not letting this go?

Party and a blessing is the way forward for after I think. My last minister was amazing so we are going to ask him to do it. He’s good at making everyone feel comfortable and isn’t too preachy – OH has met him socially and likes him so that’s a bonus!

For people who did/are eloping did you tell anyone? Or just go and do it? What were people’s reactions like?

Uh, he knows about Gretna right? Elopements pretty much originated there!

Inked Doll - I've just looked at your wedding and it looks amazing! I suggested Gretna to him ages ago but he wasn't up for it. I don't know where he's got this idea that it has to be in a different country from! Supid questions - how did you arrange it? Was anyone else getting married at the same time as you?

Okay so, to arrange it we just went online. There are several companies that act as agents for Gretna weddings but we used gretnagreen.com.

They check your preferred date and book it in for you and then you choose a package - which room in the blacksmiths shop you want (we had the Original Marriage Room which is the smallest), whether you want hotel accommodation etc (we organised our hotel separately), and whether you want a religious or civil ceremony (if religious they will arrange a minister for you, if civil I think you need to sort the registrar). We found them to be super friendly and helpful. Once it's booked you give notice by post. You can pretty much ignore anything you read here about giving notice in England, as the process is pretty different.

We didn't see any other weddings taking place on the day - maybe there weren't any as it was a Friday in Jan, but I dunno if we'd have seen them even if they were. You may have seen in my report that there were a bunch of Japanese tourists looking around the blacksmiths, even though we wouldn't have seen them at any point during the ceremony as the public can't go in that bit, they were outside just as our tog finished up and they were very excited to see a wedding taking place. So that was pretty cool.

Sorry, but I feel he needs to get over this bit. It's one thing going abroad without her after the wedding, but quite another to deliberately go abroad TO get married without her.

There is no way I would let my fiance get away with expecting me to go along with that. When he took me on, he took my kids on, and no way would my kids miss my wedding. And no way would I expect his to not be invited as we're all one family now. If he thought it was ok to leave them out of such an important day I would question his commitment to us as a family. It's difficult to imagine, but turn it round. If he had full custody of a child from a previous relationship since birth, would he be happy to leave them behind while he want off to get married?

Just my humble opinion

Oh wow Inked Doll Gretna looks amazing - your wedding looks gorgeous!! I have to admit now I'm very swayed by Gretna! Might solve the FMIL problem as well as she can definitely travel to Grena!

Kizzie10000 he's being so weird about it and it's so not like him. I don't want to leave her behind - we wouldn't do that if we got married here?! I can't get my head around it she calls him dad and he loves her - they are best pals. It drives me nuts sometimes as she's turning into such a Daddy's girl!! I keep telling him we are a package deal so hopefully it's going to sink in. Thank you for not making me seem unreasonable!!