Nightmare Family

Oh hun, I really feel for you - virtual hugs to you!

I haven't been in a situation like this but I have been in situations with my family and my OH's family where they have wanted to invite people or family members we dont get on with or dont even know!

All I would say is stand up for what you believe in, this is your day and you should have people there who YOU want.

You dont want to look back and regret having certain people there if you didnt want them. But also you dont want to regret in a few years not having your sister there if you do at some point make up.

If you chose not to have your sister, I would be very surprised if your parents stick to what they are saying, why would they want to not be there?! I think they may be using emotional blackmail at its best but they could end up the ones who miss out.

Take care, stay positive and most of all enjoy the planning of YOUR wedding! x

Considering you and your sister haven't spoken for about ten years and your parents also agree things were not your fault I think they are being a bit unreasonable expecting you to invite her. I personally think it's even more unreasonable to say they won't come to your wedding if she's not there.

I think you should have the wedding you want. Whether that's here in a venue to fit the size of the party or abroad if that's what you prefer. Either take some of his family or friends or go alone. We are marrying in the ice chapel in Lapland with just two witnesses and no family. How would his family feel about not being invited. I wouldn't worry about no family of yours there.

what you could do is sit down and have a calm chat to your parents and explain that this was your sisters doing and your parents have had no issue with it for the last ten years. That your wedding is not the time or place to mend rifts and you are not prepared to have family issues on the day. That you want them to be there of course however if they refuse you will still get married without your sister. You want your mum at the wedding, your dad to give you away and make the dad's speech and see what they say. If it's a no go then you know where you stand and can decide accordingly.

do you have a close friend who can step into dad's shoes or a godparent or close friend of he family. It's sad but I would let them make their decisions and get on with it. They will be the ones who miss out.

Im also giving myself away by the way. I intend to wLk down the aisle alone to my partner. Just because it's not the traditional thing to do doesn't mean you can't do it.

no wAy would I have sister spoil my wedding day whether that was by inviting her or by my parents trying the emotional blackmail or by feeling forced into a type of wedding I didn't wAnt.

if they are not there you can work round it. Your parents can never get that day back again. They may come round once they see you are plotting on regardless and they start to realise what they will miss. Xx

Exactly this.

I've found wedding planning weirdly liberating because it's made me stand up to my parents for the first time in my life and say I want things done my way.

Much respect to you and wishes for good things coming your way x x

Sorry for your trouble! That sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

I understand it feels unfair if she has always been the one at fault, but would it be possible at all to use this occasion to try to forgive her and get a little bit closer again? If you haven't spoken to her for two years, is there any chance she does feel bad but is too proud/afraid/whatever to take the initiative to apologise? I'm just thinking it might be worth a try to see if she is willing to apologise this time if you reach out to her. Maybe your parents could act as some kind of intermediary, and set up a meeting between the two of you. If it doesn't work out, at least you have tried and also showed your parents that you are the better person! If your sister doesn't take the opportunity, your parents couldn't possibly then pretend that you are 'making them choose'.

If you feel like you've tried everything already I can totally relate to your decision not to invite her though... In that case, I'd say just don't worry about what other people think! So many people have difficult family relationships, or their parents have passed away, or live abroad, it's really not that strange if you have little or no family there. Everyone will just assume there is some good reason for it, and nobody will want to pry on your wedding day! You could walk down the aisle alone, together with your fiance (this is actually the norm in my country, I think here it's also getting quite popular to have a 'first look' with photos before the ceremony), or maybe you have a good friend who would do it?

I wouldn't worry about this. My H's dad left when he was five and he hasn't seen him since. Early in our relationship, my mum discreetly observed that he had never mentioned a dad and I told her what the situation was, that was the end of it. Nobody in my family judged him for not having a father at our wedding. If your OH's family are good people, they will understand that families can be problematic and not think any less of you.

I think your parents will come to their senses and attend the wedding regardless of whether your sister is there or not.

My husband fell out with his brother over a year ago and he wasn't invited to our wedding but his mum and dad still came.

Repeating what has been said,but weddings don't have to be traditional anymore, thankfully, so having other special people to do speeches or walk you down the aisle is not frowned upon so do as you wish!! My son walked me down the aisle and only my husband and best man made very short speeches so tailor your wedding to how you want it to be not what you think people are expecting it be.

Good luck ?

Ah OP, I could have written this post myself. It's comforting to know someone else is in the same crappy position.

I guess you can only talk to your parents and explain. It's fallen on deaf ears my end. My sister has always been the golden child for reasons I'll never know (she has drug and alcohol issues, unemployed, leeches off my parents and is a total ***...). They've made it clear as far as I'm concerned.

Good luck. If you need to chat feel free to PM x

Ask everyone to sit where ever they like which is also normal now, take a seat not a side as were all family, sort of thing. Then you won't have an empty half. You can decide whether to have a close friend or member of OH family give you away, walk in alone and give yourself away as I'm doing or even walk in together after taking a first look picture earlier.

dont let them spoil things and make you miserable. Once they know you are getting on with it regardless and your mum is shut out of the planning and viewing and dress shopping etc and your dad isn't the one walking you down the aisle it might hit home what they are missing.

i don't think they have considered that at all. They just think you will back down to them and to your sister.

my OH parents refused to come to my first wedding but we enjoyed our day and they were the ones who regretted it later. It's a non reversible decision and of course it lasts forever as they are not on any photos etc either.

my mums parents didn't attend her wedding either! Her dad relented enough to give her away then went home again. That's it.

so you see it's not an unusual thing although it's upsetting to you I wouldn't worry about what others think about it.

maybe show her some things you have organised or bought will stop her pushing it to the back of her mind and reinforce she won't be there etc. if it gets too ongoing and difficult I would just say I love you and I want you there but you can't spoil this for me so if you don't want to come it's your decision and I can't do anything about it but if you persist every time we see each other I need to do this on my own. Don't let them bring you down and spoil your planning.

I totally agree with you not inviting your sister as I wouldn't if it was me in your shoes. Your parents are probably calling your bluff so I would have a serious chat with them saying the wedding will be going ahead your sister will not be invited and you will not change your mind about it. I would also add that it would upset you that dad couldn't walk you down the isle and that mum will miss dress shopping etc but that it is their decision whether they come or not and that you don't want this to effect the relationship after. Fingers crossed they realise you mean what you say and back down but if not then it will be them that regret not coming. When we decided to get married abroad OHs mum decided she wasn't coming from the start and tried to get the party after in the UK to be a wedding. It's only now my oh has been firm and said no the UK is just a party that she's realised she is missing out but it was her stubbornness that got her there. Yes we were gutted she couldn't come but you know what if parents think its acceptable to try and change what you want for your wedding then they don't deserve to come. Getting married abroad is a lot easier than you expect but don't do it because you are worried about what people would think of having no family there do it because it's what you want. If the UK venue is the perfect venue for you then book it

In your position I would consider two options - neither of which involve inviting your sister (it's your day - don't be pushed around):

1. Get married abroad, where things like being walked down the aisle, father's speech etc will seem a lot less important

2. Go ahead with a UK venue and make it very clear to your parents that you will be very sad if they don't come to your wedding, but make it clear that you are leaving the door open for them to change their minds. BUT resign yourself at the beginning that they won't come and if they do, then it's a bonus. In the meantime, find someone (family or friend - even if it's from the other side) who you can ask to do the 'father' things if they are important to you, making sure that they know that your Dad might come round. There are also lots of options to wedding traditions - for example walking down the aisle with your bridesmaid and you doing a speech instead of your Dad etc.

If you go for the second option then I would keep your parents out of the planning process and surround yourself with people who are excited/positive about your plans. And most importantly, don't worry what other people think - the fact that your parents might not be there makes them look bad and not you!

Good luck hun.

I would say , as a starting point this post is the best idea. Say to your parents that you do desperately want them at your wedding and to be involved, but if it means trying to sort things out then you will agree to one final meeting with, you, your sister and your parents before numbers are finalised. State before the meeting that, if nothing gets resolved, then she will not be invited, and the choice is theirs.

That way you do look like you are at least trying to smooth things over, but also before anything happens, that this is her final chance, and you are also standing up for yourself, so you have the wedding you want.

Hi.

My OH and I are going through a similar issue. He has not spoken to his sister for a few years and we are not planning on inviting her to the wedding. We know that his parents will have a MASSIVE issue with this so we are keeping all of our wedding plans close to our chest until the invites are due to be sent.

We would love for his parents to attend our big day but if they decide that they will only come if his sister is invited then it will be a shame but we will stick to the decision we have made. I don't want to feel emotionally blackmailed about it.

After all I feel like this is the one day where our needs as a couple come first. It's nice to have the beautiful venue, be surrounded by friends and family and have a fairy tale of a day but as long my OH half turns up that's all I really need.

The focus of the day should be the two of you and the love you have for one another, not all of the bad blood that might exist.

Try and communicate your feelings with your parents again (i understand how some people just don't want to listen though.) ?

But remember this is your wedding and you should have whoever you want there to celebrate with you. I hope that everything goes well and wish you the best of luck.

That's not cool of your parents, you need to sit them down and talk to them about this properly. As for not having family there, my husband only had his dad there at our wedding, it was perfect for us.

Oh that's just awful. You do need to sit down and have a proper talk to them about it. You shouldn't have to invite your sister and I can't believe that your parents would miss their daughter's big day over this. You need to plan the wedding that you want and be prepared not to include them. If his family and your friends are all on board then you will still have a lovely wedding!

Eloping is always an option! If there are problems this early on it's safe to presume that things are going to crop up later on too unfortunately you have to do what you and H2B are happy with. It's your special day.

It's really awkward isn't it? I was in a similar situation when I got married last month.

My dad and brother haven't spoken to each other for about 15 years (they fell out over something really stupid ) and my dad said he wouldn't come to the wedding if my brother went. My parents are divorced and both re-married, I'm not that close to my dad but I am to my brother. Obviously I wanted my brother there, and I would've liked my dad too. But in the end, I had to stop stressing over it because it wasn't going to happen and my wedding wasn't going to bring them together. I had my son give me away and it was just perfect!

I do hope you manage to sort it out with your parents.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I think I am doing the right thing by standing my ground!