No parents to invite to my wedding

Hi Sara,

I'm sorry to hear things have been tough for you, but it sounds like you've done well for yourself to be genuinely happy with what you have day to day - a lot of people with 'perfect' families can't say that!

Firstly, choose your bridesmaids in exactly the same way any bride would - choosing the people you are closest to and know want the absolute best for you. And be honest! Open up to them that you are sad to be missing that part of the wedding of having family around, but that you still want it to be ultra special - just because the situation isn't 'paper perfect' doesn't mean you can't have the day you deserve. Ask them to make a fuss of you! Include them (and any other friends, they don't have to be bridesmaids) in as many of your plans as possible, people will often seem uninterested if they aren't actively engaging in your wedding plans but I feel 99% of the time that's because they assume you will include them when you want to! Arrange shopping trips, simple coffee/cake catch ups, whatever you like doing! Dress shopping without a mum - it may be emotional, but there's nothing to say you have to have your mum there for this - any honest, caring friend would be useful to take and would love to be included in this part of your planning. Walking down the aisle - do you have a close friend who could do this? Or even a beloved pet?! Or, you could walk down on your own, or even meet your fiance half way, or simply both meet at the start and walk down together! Things don't have to be done in the 'traditional' way, I think a lot of people are finding this nowadays. Same with the top table - have your bridal party and grooms party, or just your MOH (if you have one) with your husband and his parents if they're there? You really don't have to follow the 'rules' - honest!

Congratulations and enjoy the planning and build up - be sure to make this the right day for you & your partner, nobody else x

View quoted message

I really needed to hear this, thank you Alexandra. You're right - I need to brief my friends a little bit and rally a little bit to get this one going. I don't think anyone is going to make a fuss unless I ask for it - as you say, they won't know unless I ask them. I'm going to save this and read back a few times when I need to. Thank you so much xx

Exactly what Alexander's said, couldn't have put it more perfectly. You have a tremendous amount of love in your life and that is what you should focus in, family is what you make it not necessarily blood. I truly hope you feel better soon and can start to enjoy planing your day with your closest friends x

Hi Sara and congratulations on your engagement. I can understand how you feel your family relationships may impact on how your wedding will feel and appear and I can somewhat relate to this. My relationship with my father is strained due to him not being around when I was younger so he won't have the honor of giving me away, my relationship with my siblings is flaky at best but I'm privileged and greatful my mum is my rock. I don't have a huge circle of friends but three very close friends, one of which will be my maid of honor, I won't be having any bridesmaids to keep cost down as we're having a destination wedding. At first I was concerned how it will appear, not having much family there but in all honestly I'm past caring. We need to do away with the notion that other families are perfect and as they all have their issues and I refuse to spend time and energy on people who can't afford me the same courtesy, regardless of our relationship. Also, I'm not spending money one people who can't even be arsed to text me lol. With all the trauma that's happened in my life my friends and my fiancé's family have been my family so if you want your friends at the top table have them, there's no law against it that goes for bridesmaids too. If you want to be made a fuss of on the day and leading up to your wedding, which you should, tell the bridal party. Best of luck xx

View quoted message

Thank you Charlotte x

View quoted message

OMG thank you so much for your message! You made me laugh with your "text me" comment - you are absolutely right! I've been having guilty feelings about not inviting a friend whom I was bridesmaid for - but she hasn't made an effort to contact me for over six months, so I think I can stop worrying about that one. Seriously thank you for your message, its good not to feel alone x

Hi Sara,


A sweetheart table is something I’ve recently seen. It’s a “top table” just for the bride and groom- popular in America I’m told. Something else I saw at a wedding I went to which was lovely was the bride and groom kept 2 seats free at each guest table and they took it in turns to move round the room together and do a meal course and interval with each table so they could see everyone.
We got married last July and I found it really difficult when people kept telling me “It’s your day, you must have what you want.” It’s simply not that simple because we all have element of the day we can’t do anything about and we don’t want to tell everyone about them all the time. My best advice to you would be: choose some things that you do want and you can have. For example, I really wanted my vows painted on silk ribbons to tie round my flowers. They were expensive and i didn’t need them. But I wanted them and it was my wedding and it was something I could control. I put off buying them till the last minute but I am SO glad I bought them. They made me feel special because I had chosen them and I didn’t need any permission or to explain it to anyone. If you can find some of these little joys when organising your day, it doesn’t take the inevitable hardships of other elements away but it does help
I also walked into my wedding with my husband. We were going to get married, I didn’t need my dad to give me away. I loved the surprise on people’s faces.
You are your own woman- think about how you will reflect on the day. How do you want to remember the elements? Let that guide your choices- you got this! X

View quoted message

Anna, thank you so much for your beautiful reply. Its given me goosebumps if I'm honest! Thank goodness for this forum, I've been feeling so isolated! I love the idea of the empty seats at tables, what a great way to be able to visit everyone and not have to stand over them. And such wonderful advice about choosing a few things I do want and can have. I do tend to try and please everyone else, so I needed to hear that. It is a really lovely thought and I will definitely have a think about something to give myself for the special day. You are right - I have got this! My Dad (his lack of interest) has caused me so much pain over the years but he also gave me a purpose to achieve and survive without him, so for years I've always thought I'd walk down the aisle on my own (like I have everywhere else!) ... But in reality that has felt a bit sad / lonely to think about. So I might actually speak to Matthew about walking in together like you did. What a lovely thing.

I really can't thank you enough for your kind words xx

View quoted message You’re welcome Sara,


I had an extra thought after I’d sent it.
This story will start off terrible and get better I promose!
When wedding dress shopping, I had a panic attack. Right there in the shop, collapsed on the floor, the whole she-bang! I couldn’t help it.
I didn’t have bridesmaids nearby, (in fact for our bridal party on both sides we chose to just have family members as friends can be so difficult) so I just went with my mum but it was the last thing I did and I was struggling with the culture of “say yes to the dress” expectations of girlie giggling etc. After I’d calmed down from my panicked attack, I realised that that culture just isn’t me. I never behave like that with a gaggle of girls, so why would I be like that choosing my dress?
I absolutely agree with what Alexandra said, choose bridesmaids that you want- have 19 if you want 19, have 1 if you want 1. You decide how you want your tribe to be. Real friends just know you and will love you whatever.
After I panicked about the dress, I actually asked Jason what he would like to see me in. I had seen a beautiful navy blue ball gown- I think you can tell by now I like to skew traditions a bit 🙈. It was the most helpful conversation I had. He told me he would like I was beautiful in a bin bag but that actually for our wedding he would like me to look like his bride. We talked about what that meant for him and it was quite clear a navy gown wasn’t it! When I went back to shopping my perspective had changed because I was shopping for a dress to be Jason’s bride, not just a bride, not an Instagram bride but my husbands bride. I still just went with my mum- I didn’t need 100s of opinions. I’ve dressed myself for 32 years- I know what makes me look and feel good! Please have the confidence and be encouraged- I’m sure Matthew would marry you in a bin bag!! ☺️
You together must decide what’s important- that can often mean asking Matthew to actually think about what he wants rather than just defer to you.
We decided a wedding car wasn’t worth the money so we had a family friend drive us and diverted the money to more flowers☺️
The monster that is planning a wedding is very much like learning to drive. Horrendous when you start but once you realise you’re in control- ain’t nothing stopping you being confident in the drive! 💪🏼🙌🏻💖 xx

View quoted message Ps: I bought a champagne dress in the end!! 😂☺️

View quoted message

Hahaha, champagne sounds lovely!! So glad it all worked out. You make such a good point. I live 10 minutes walk from a Wed2Be and walk past it almost every day. I said to Matthew, "shall I just go in and sort it?" but he said no, I should have a lovely girlie day. I think he's right and I would have a lovely time with my girls, but also like you say, dressing myself for all these years and I haven't needed my friends to tell me what to wear! I don't have to worry about Matthew having an opinion thank goodness - quite the opposite! He loves planning things and is getting right into venue hunting and organising things. The one thing I'm trying to do at the moment is slow him down. He thinks we can organise a wedding in 5 months!! 😂

Thanks for this. I'm actually getting excited now! xxx

View quoted message Great!! When you’re feeling excited- time to hit Etsy or and buy some small wedding things to keep you ticking over with excitement as the postman comes with things just for you ☺️


You totally can plan a wedding in 5 months! We did ours in 8 in lockdown
Go for it girl! 🎉

View quoted message

Haha amazing advice! I'm loving your positivity! Wow 8 months in lockdown, that is impressive!! Would love to hear more about it, I bet it was fabulous! Its been really lovely chatting to you, Thanks again! x

My dad died before our wedding, and while I'm in touch with my mum, she's the very last person I'd turn to for support, so I can understand a little of what its like to plan a wedding without parents to fill the 'traditional' roles.

I went dress shopping with a friend, but she's actually got very different tastes from me. It helped to go with someone, and it gave me a good idea of the silhouettes and styles that worked, but I ended up ordering the dress I wore online. I don't like shopping, and I knew I didn't want a big girly day out. But if that's your thing, then ask one or two friends who you know will be supportive to come with you.

You can walk down the aisle with anyone you like (or on your own if you feel confident enough), although I would suggest making sure it's someone who is going to be calming, not someone who is going to wind you up. I walked down with my fiance and I am so glad we did that - there was something very meaningful about walking toward our marriage hand in hand!

Speeches - either ditch them or get friends to make them. Seating - have a sweetheart table (just the two of you), have one with you and the bridal party (if you have one) or just sit with the people you feel closest to. Same with bridesmaids - if you don't want any, dont have any, but otherwise, pick the people you know will be supportive on the day.

I love the saying that friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Don't think about the family you don't have on your wedding day - think about the family you do have - the handpicked family that's made up of all the people you hold most dear.

P.S. If you were close to your grandparents, you can always 'include' them in your service through choice of music, flowers, food, or by incorporating mementoes of them into the day.

Oh, and you can totally plan a wedding in 5 months - we planned ours in 4 but delayed the date from February to June 2020 so that my best friend could fly in from overseas. Hahaha! Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But we had no way of knowing delaying 5 months would land us slap in the middle of a pandemic!

Definitely agree with the last comment about 'including' grandparents etc in your day in some way - I lost a lady who I was very close to who I always nicknamed 'my Delphinium' when she was alive, so despite originally planning a yellow theme I added in lots of blue delphiniums to everything from my bouquet to the venue decor - it meant a lot on the day knowing I'd chosen them for her! Definitely worth having a think over if there's anything that'll give you that little warm glow on the day x