OH's changed his mind

I didn't rush him! I told him my feelings and HE was the one who said we will get married in 5 years NOT me

He bought me a ring and looked at 1 venue last year just to get an idea of prices as the wedding wasn't due to happen until 2018

4 1/2 years

Is this a joke?

You're winding us up, aren't you?

So has he taken the ring back?

Just an FYI I am not a TROLL! I have far better things to do with my time than waste other peoples time because it is half term, I came hear looking for advice not to be slagged off!

YES we were engaged as my OH said we were engaged when he got me the ring and said he wanted a long engagement and that we would be getting married in 5 years

Then my original suggestion still stands - get away, give each other some space and work out what you really want out of this relationship. As it stands, you're both going to end up very unhappy.

???????? ?

Duplicate

Alright people, let's calm this down a bit. Some people here who are now OMs never had a traditional on-one-knee proposal - I did, but for a lot of people it's more a discussion than anything. That doesn't mean you are not engaged.

OP, I think your OH has given you a lot of mixed messages. A ring denotes engagement. But it sounds to me like he thought you either wouldn't still be together in 5yrs, or you'd forget about getting married. I'm pretty sure he didn't expect you to actually start planning a wedding. And this is why all this stuff about feeling obligated/trapped has now come out, he's panicking.

I think some of the advice here still stands. Get some space and figure this out. You are relatively young, but still shouldn't waste your time with someone who ultimately wants different things from you. That can only lead to resentment and heartache.

Sorry but you did give very little information and it's quite confusing. I think you either get away and give each other some space or stop the talk of marrage take the pressure off and see how he feels in a few months when the dust has settled.

Who is slagging you off?

I find your situation unbelievable. Genuinely never came across something like this before.

You're 26. You have been together with your partner for 4.5 years (so, since you were 21/22). You're due to get married in 2018 but your boyfriend wanted a five year engagement (so I assume you became engaged in Sept 2013 when you joined the site).

It seems that you spooked your boyfriend into asking him to marry you. Now, a year and half later, he doesn't want to marry you. He also doesn't want to go to counselling.

Writing is on the wall, doll.

OP I feel for you.

My OH never wanted to get married but after we had our son, it was important to me. I did contemplate ending the relationship at one time - I mean, what's the point if you don't both want the same outcome of the relationship? He asked me two years ago what I wanted for my 30th and I said an engagement ring. We went to pick it together so I never had the down-on-one-knee-harps-playing-angels-singing proposal and I'm glad - it's not 'us'.

We're now getting married in a tiny wedding in October with 14 guests.

If we hadn't gotten engaged, I'm not sure where we'd be. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship thinking 'what if' or waiting 5 years for a guy to decide my future. Sorry x

Thanks for the advice I will take it all on board but I would rather not be on a forum where I am slagged off and spoken to like garbage so openly

I agree with this!

I think some of the posts on here can come across as a bit much sometimes. Especially when you see the topics taken across to other places on the forum to chat about. People are generally just looking for advice, it can be hard to be honest about relationships, especially if yours isn't exactly what you might have thought.

Just try and not take them too much to heart, I think people just want to help

You need to re-read your posts. Everyone was being very sympathetic and very supportive until you posted that he never actually 'proposed' and made it sound like you were not actually engaged.

Err.... hello!?!? that would change matters wouldn't it???

You have confused us all and, no offence, you made me personally feel like i wasted my time telling you my story and trying to encourage you to think about what you deserve rather than just go along with whatever your OH wants you to do.

quite honestly have no idea what the heck is going on so all i can say to you is that i hope whatever you want works out.

Good luck to you... ?

Don't think you've been slagged off or spoken to like garbage a lot of people on here have put effort into trying to help you.

I think certain people have been harsh and need to have a little more sensitivity. No need to be so harsh on someone who has clearly come here to try and open up.

This! Think he said five years in the hope that the wedding wouldn't actually happen, he had plenty of time to think of another excuse (like being trapped) or you wouldn't be together by then.

Nothing about him screams commitment or that he actually is bothered about trying.

I think people are just giving honest opinions which the op asked for. It does get frustrating when you get mixed responses and little information. Hitched is certainly much friendlier place than it used to be.

I'm not referring to honest opinions, i'm referring to open bitchiness (and ... even though I'm quoting you BB, it's not you I'm getting at!)

Just to clarify;

Me and my OH started going out on 5th December 2010, I was 21 and he had just turned 40 (I turned 22 in the following April) due to unforseen circumstances in January 2012 I was on the verge of being homeless and my OH said I could move in with him on a trial basis until I could get myself somewhere to live, things went really well so we continued to live together (and do until this day) From January 2013 onwards I was trying to build up the courage to actually propose to my OH, I eventually discussed it with him in the august and also told him I wanted to get married, around a week later after again discussing getting married he told me that we could get married in 5 years (2018) and have a long engagement, 4 days later I had an engagement ring (we were officially engaged on August 28th 2013) I had started researching venues, honeymoons, meal options, themes from the get go. Last year we viewed what we thought would be our 1st choice wedding venue and after getting the total costs (and attending a friend wedding at the same venue which we weren't all that happy with) we decided to get married abroad instead, I have again spent the last 18 months researching weddings abroad, honeymoons, venues, costs etc. Over the past few weeks whenever I have tried to discuss the wedding with my OH he has had very little to say about it so in a fit of anger I asked him if he even wanted to get married and he said no, hence why I started this thread. After reading the comments on this thread I wrote him a letter saying it was either we get married or we stay as BF/GF because I don't want to be strung along if the wedding will never actually happen and he said the engagement is off then and then asked me if I was going to leave him because he doesn't want to get married.

I have tried to broach the subject with him as to why he doesn't want to get married and last night he came out with the 'trapped' comment which did shake me as it made me doubt our whole relationship (we have been living together and in a long term relationship how is that not being 'trapped' but a marriage is) This is why I suggested couples counselling so we can explore together this trapped feeling and see where it stems from but he doesn't want to go to counselling as he feels it will not help him. After a talk this morning he said that 'trapped' wasn't what he meant, it was more of being obligated to someone or anyone expect in special cases (i.e. me) and to the marriage (he mentioned that he didn't want all the fuss and mither of planning a wedding and getting married) He has said that he enjoys living with me and being with me/in a relationship with me but doesn't want to get married to not just me but anyone so I shouldn't take it personally.

I don't feel like I have pushed him into getting married, I told him my feelings when I first discussed getting married in 2013 and he could of told me there and then that he didn't want to get married rather than agreeing, buying me a ring and setting a date for 5 years (Someone mentioned before about him hoping I would forget about getting married if it was a long engagement and I do think you are right)

(Edit; I was 21 about to turn 22 in the April not 20 turning 21)

This! Just because he didn't propose to her on one knee doesn't mean they were not engaged. It sounds like a lot of people jumped to that conclusion. You suggested that you wanted to get married, he said alright let's do it in 5 years and bought you a ring - that is an engagement.

But it does make it more likely that he felt rushed into it and wasn't ready.

Please do tell us who you believe is being bitchy.

If it's me, I was being honest. Blunt, but honest. Also, would you rather closed bitchiness where we all huddle together on another board on the forum and talk about this?

Thank you for clearing that up Mrspanda. I do feel for you it's not a nice situation to be in at all. It seems like at his age he should know his own mind and know what he wants so it does seem unlikely that he's just going to have a change of heart. Only you can decide if just being with him is enough or if you need to be married to be happy. It's very unfair of him to let you start the wedding planning and then change his mind, I hope he realises how hurtful that is.

Are the only two options to be openly bitchy or "closedly" bitchy? Not being bitchy is not an option?

It's always so easy for bystanders to give advice, but much harder when you are emotionally invested.

Nothing against a age difference but could that be a problem he is having? Nature tells us he is later in life and is likely to pass away before you is he worried that you'll be left lonely or that you'll marry him and your body clock will go into overdrive and you'll actually want kids which he feels he is to old to provide for and you'll end up leaving him. Has he been hurt before? I think in some ways the age difference brings a few questions up also he should behave better at his age

We have discussed children at great length over the last 3 years and it was a mutual decision not to have children, we were that adament that we don't want children that he has had a vasectomy to ensure we don;t get pregnant (I enquired about being sterilised but due to my ages (26) it would be a real fight with the doctors to have it done)

As regards to our age difference I/We don't see that as an issue, surprisngly I am quite mature for my age and we do have a lot in common and many people comment how good we are as a couple.

He was in a 12 year relationship before he met me (she also had a child who was 6 months old when they go together so he raised her child as well until the age of 12 when they split) but they never lived together, had children nor did they ever get engaged or married (as far as I know it was never discussed)

I'm glad you went into a bit of background for us, it make sit much easier to advise. I still think Aunti BJ's suggestion is probably the best one - you both need a bit of space to work out what you want. A couple of weeks with no contact to clear your head and decide what to do.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

This thread has taken a bit of a turn.

Part of me suspects that he felt pressured into asking you (whether or not that was your intention is irrelevant) my h2b and i discussed the topic of a woman proposing and he said he wouldn't like it if I asked him, he wanted to do it traditionally and would have felt pressured if I asked him.

So maybe your OH panicked at the thought of you proposing so he asked you setting a long engagement maybe to give himself time to get used to the idea, then things got rolling you got a ring, started looking for venues (albeit in my opinion way to early), then he really felt out of his comfort zone things were moving too fast so started acting strange then when you gave him an out he took it.

Well ... you obviously clicked that I was talking about you! It was your 'rofl' that I thought was particularly nasty, as opposed to harsh.

Can I please offer you some advice at this stage -

I never wanted children. Ever. Hated them. Wanted only my career and a lifetime of independence. However, the MINUTE I turned 30, I suddenly wanted nothing more than children. My point is, you may possibly change your mind. You might not - but you might.