OH's stag do

OK, I may not be popular here but I'd say if it's on a stag do, let it be.

I've been to lap dancing bars several times and quite frankly they're boring. A complete waste of money. Last time I went in it was for my good friends stag do and he was so drunk he was practically passed out and wasn't really able to keep his eyes open let alone anything more strenuous than that.

Yes ok there are scantily clad women that will take their clothes off if you pay them but then usually there's a bouncer stood nearby ready to beat you senseless if you touch the girls so it's about as sexy as being slapped across the face with a wet fish. Oh and some of the ladies have erm...how can I put it...seen better days.

In fact, just realised you live in Manchester and that's where our stag do was too. Honestly the doner kebab afterwards was more appreciated than the lap dancing bar where i felt I was getting mugged and that was just for the drinks.

Well .. If you think it's cheating then I guess it is unreasonable of him to ask you to put up with it .. But I don't think it's cheating at all ... That's just my opinion though, you'll probably find there are plenty more out there.

Hiya us girls either don't mind this kind of thing or detest it. I absolutely hate it too. I told my OH no way is he going to anything like that. I think it's degrading to women plus your man can get all that at home anyway x

Hmmm, I've always said I'd be ok with strip clubs (because there's a no touching rule) - isn't there the same in a lap dancing club? They aren't actually allowed to touch the girls at all?

I'd probably be a little put out that a strip club isn't enough. If I were you I'd be honest and say it makes you feel uncomfortable. Remember, he's probably under quite a lot of peer pressure to be "one of the lads" on his "final night of freedom" etc so probably a lot of this is the best man talking.

If your OH is generally a nice, trustworthy sort of bloke then honestly I don't think you have anything to worry about, but I totally understand your POV on this. Do you know the best man? Can you have a chat to him about it, see if he can tame the night down a little?

I don't understand why they can't just make do with some strippers.... and that is the only time in my life I'll probably say that!

Hi, I didn't want to read and run.

Personally speaking I don't have a problem with strip clubs/ lap dancing bars etc, but if it honestly makes you that uncomfortable then I don't think you're being unreasonable, everyone has their own ideals. I think you need to have a reasonable discussion with your other half. I completely understand him wanting to have a fun time, but just ask him if it's worth upsetting you over.

Hope that helps a little bit

I personally don't like it myself but think your over reacting....

Strip club/ lap dancing same thing to me I don't see the difference at all.

its his stag do, it's what happens on most!

bare in mind I'm also freaking out about OH stag do but I'm just trying to ignore it rather than make it an issue!

I have no quail myself because he can't do jack. Bouncer wont allow anything, he cant DO anything in fact, excuse the rudeness, all he's getting is 'blue balled'. A little torturous if you ask me. only you know what he's like and if he's 'going along with the boys' so I can't advise much of what to do :/

I wouldn't be too happy either, from what you have shared it seems that your feelings haven't been acknowledged. Maybe you could talk to him when you have calmed down and explain how it will make you feel if he goes? From what you've shared about seeing it as cheating, you would feel pretty betrayed by him. I'm sure he wouldn't want to hurt you, maybe he doesn't get how potentially upsetting for you this would actually be? x

I personally have no problem with my OH going to a lap dancing club. I am glad to say he is not a regular attender to these sorts of places, and has only been once since I met him.

This once was on a friends stag do - and mainly because the drinks were on offer (buy one get two free) - he said they spend most of the time talking (the music is quieter than at nightclubs and most of the stag do we at least in their 30s and don't go clubbing) and only occasionally even noticed the girls. However, I know my OH did not get a dance (although some of the others on the stag do did), and he has been open with me about the night. From what I can gather, those who had a lap dance were not allowed to touch or even talk with the girls doing the dances, and there was security there to protect the girls. My view, from that information, is that it is little worse than lads mags - apart from they are there in front of you. If my OH was going to cheat on me, I suspect it would be more likely in a nightclub where he could dance/flirt/talk with women to his hearts content, rather than in a lap dance club where he can't talk to or touch the women employed their (and where the women are unlikely to want to socialise with clientele) and there are rarely any other women there.

However, I am also aware that no one else on the stag do admitted to going to the lap dancing club as they knew the women in their lives would be upset. I guess, for me, the fact he is open and honest about it helps me trust him not to have misbehaved while he was there.

Just because he is going to the lap dancing club, does not mean he will be paying for a lap dance. It sound like he doesn't realise how you feel about the situation.

He's probably under pressure from his friends, all guys think it's the thing to do, my bf went on a few and he came back and said it was just awkward and kind of gross, and that all the guys felt the same way. I don't think it's how it is in the movies when everyone's like WOW AWESOME, in reality he said it felt kind of sad and they know they're there selling their body or stripping for money etc.
So my vote is trust him (which you should do anyway) and roll with it.

THIS. My bf told me everything whilst other guys felt forced to hide it. When part of the group plans to go in they're all pressured to go in, what could some of the guys do, wait outside for a couple of hours?

I have been to 3 stag do's - non where at strip or lap dancing clubs just regular nightclubs but at all 3 the groom and best men cheated (kissing other girls - one went as far as fingering and going home with another girl and he was getting married that morning ffs)

your probably safer at a strip club as they are heavily policed

p.s - not saying ALL guys cheat its just what ive seen from the 3 ive attended,

also the 'degrading' comment is offensive, you dont know these girls and have no right to say that - ive known several strippers most a very smart girls in long term relationships and they arn't 'degraded' at all

I actually totally agree with you. While my partner has been to lap dancing clubs on his friends stag do's (this I have no issue with as its their choices and I wouldn't expect him not to go along with the rest), I wouldn't want him going on his own. We have had this discussion though and the fact that he wasn't interested in going along with knowing how I felt about it he's chosen to do something totally different. I personally just find the whole thing disgusting and actually wouldn't go through with the wedding if he did go so no I don't think you are over reacting, you are entitled to your opinion so you should def speak to him about your feelings

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.. Just think of it as if you was both out somewhere together and a girl or 2 or 3 came up to your bf stripped and started dancing for him that's bad then think if its in a privet booth that's even worse. I do think you should of had these sort of talks at the start. I know girls are either for there fella enjoying these places or dead against, So if you are dead against it you need to tell him theres no way u want him at 1. The guy gets to pick who he wants a dance from and in my eyes he shouldn't want any1 to do that but his gf/wife otherwise why is he with her. So I agree with you it cheating in a way. If a h2b went out to a club with mates and singled a girl out and she stripped for him somewhere I don't think many gf/wifes would be happy so I don't see the difference apart from his having to pay for her.. some clubs in the uk have been fined for girls giving extras, As in booths its privet and in London etc touching is allowed and stags normally get a free 2 4 1 dance and get polaroid pics, One stag was blind folded at the start and had 3 girls on him and then he got the pics to keep/hide.

I'm totally with you. I have a lot of self confidence issues and would absolutely hate for OH to have a naked girl dancing for him. I appreciate some people don't have a problem but it would destroy my confidence even more so I understand how you feel, and my OH knows how I feel about it. Maybe you need to tell him just how upset you would be x

I hate strip clubs/lap dancing clubs. They are the 'acceptable' face of mysoginism in modern society. The girls are exploiting the boys...Paying their way through uni...blah blah blah. What's the harm?

Massively increased risks of assault and rape, being part of the human trafficking industry, promoting the idea that the female body has monetary value, and so on. Spearmint Rhino (with its sanitised stag do environment) only serves to lull us into thinking that this is OK. Even, in some cases, that we females should celebrate their existence.

Grumble grumble.

So I have a philosophical opposition to such places. I don't necessarily expect my husband to share this philosophical position, although I suspect he does. Nothing to do with cheating or having better at home, although I can see the irony with women who feel like this yet maintain that strip clubs are to be promoted as some kind of truly feminist choice issue.

Is it cheating? Not for me, no. But my idea of cheating tends to the emotional rather than the physical, so perhaps I'm not best placed to opine. As others have said, he won't even get any physicality in a stag do strip club. I agree that it isn't 'what goes on on stag dos' - that's a massive excuse. It's basically the only 'legitimate' reason men get to visit such places.

Personally I don't have a problem with my OH going can't see anything happening and it's about trust if you trust them then you won't have a problem. Any way if anything did happen it would save me a job ( I am joining there).

I think the more you dig your heels in and say not to go the more he will go. Sit down with him calmly and tell him your uncomfortable with it and why. Tell him in the end it's up to him if he goes but it would really upset .

I completly agree with what FTLOMB said here. 'it is what happens on stag dos' is a load of rubbish and just an excuse IMO.

I agree with you as well, mooshy. My OH has joked about it but I know he wouldn't do it. He has more respect for me than that, he knows I lack self confidence and he knows I wouldn't like it. Just as I would not want to do the same to him. There are some women who don't mind and I completely respect that but everyone is different and for us it is a no no. I just find the whole thing a bit sleazy.

At the same time though, your OH may feel under pressure from his friends. My OH did and his friends were on about getting a stripper etc so he decided to organise his own stag do and they are going to some zombie killing thing instead!

Mooshy, I agree with you on this one. OH has only ever been 2 two strip clubs, one he was thrown out of because he kept harrassing the girls and asking them questions like "I bet your dads really proud of you" etc. He went to another one about 2 years ago on his mates stag do (his mate is a total sleeze and I should really have expected it) but he waited until he'd been home 2 days to tell me and sort of muttered it under his breath so he could tell me. I obviously exploded because he knows how I fell. I also feel like its very degrading to women and I do see it as cheating. Men are very simple beings, you show them something pretty and they're going to get excited. If a 'betrothed' man gets a happy stick from any woman other than his own I consider that cheating. The fact of the matter is that the sex industry is very much aimed at men. I have got better at accepting it but I still feel very uncomfortable at the idea and I'm aware that there are people who will be invited on OHs stag do that will want to go on one and promises of "We won't tell your missus mate, no one will find out" are bollocks because I'm best mates with most of their missuss'es so it will get out. I think you need to have a proper sit down with your OH and actually get his full attention, no tv or football on, and tell him that if he respects you as his girlfriend now and future wife, then he should understand how you feel about him going to a lap dancing club. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would he feel if you were to go and see the Chippendales and have their muscular, toned, oily, big c**k shoved in your face. Bet he wouldnt feel so hot then....

? ? ?

I couldn't have put it better myself!

My OH is going on his stag do this weekend, he is going Amsterdam and he has already said they will be going to strip clubs / lap dancing and whatever else. If i am totally honest it doesnt bother me at all, if he wants to watch a woman take her clothes off / dance and pay for it then more fool him to waste his money. I would rather a nice new top ha.

I trust him completly and I know its all part of a stag do and being "one of the blokes".

However I would rather he was honest with me as I know some of the group will not be telling their partners because of how they will react.

If it really botheres you try talking to him tell him how it really makes you feel.

Could not agree more and was about to post pretty much the same, but needn't bother now. ?

I passed Spearmint Rhino on the bus at 3am recently and the suited & booted, back slapping, cigar smoking men outside were so grim. Strip clubs/lapdancing bars are just vile and they do us ALL, men and women alike, a disservice.

Personally, I wouldn't be bothered if OH went to a strip or lapdancing club. As others have said, they can't touch the girls so I'm not really sure where the cheating element comes from.

Chances are, if you put your foot down, he's going to go anyway and then lie about it. At least he's being honest with you.

This ^^

If my OH behaved like that at a strip club I probably would mind too, mostly because I'd be furious at how rude he'd been to another human being! Sorry but jeering and mocking another human being in any context just isn't very nice! Also what if a sex scene comes on during a film or tv show and he err enjoys it, is that also cheating? The sex industry is aimed at men because historically women's sexuality has always been repressed, and it still is (just think of the whole player vs. slag double standard). It's kind of insulting to men to say they're simple, as if they're cavemen governed by their downstairs, they're just human, as are women! There's an equally simple reason why shows like True Blood were so popular, let's just say it wasn't the acting!!

Sorry to go off topic a bit!

'If your man gets a happy stick for another woman that's cheating' this is definately the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on here!

to those of you saying you'd put your foot down I think you are creeping into dangerous territory if she treat your grown men who are old enough to chose to marry and in some case have a family like children they will simply instead chose to hide thing and lie to you rather than feel like they should ask your 'permission'!

They are grown men for heavens sake and are marrying for a wife and not a mother!

if you feel that strongly about it then talk to him be reasonable, by threatening to call of wedding that's just irrational and silly!

Unless he is planing his own stag do then it's likely he doesn't have much control over what is going to happen... He can refuse and insist his best man change the plans because 'the wife' isn't happy! He'll get stick for the rest of his life bur in order to keep you happy that's nothing!

for the record my mr went to a stag do last year where they went to a strip club and apparently he didn't even get a 'happy stick' (I asked) he wasn't that impressed at all... Not that I really believe him or understand the excitement amongst his peers about going for his stag!

im more concerned about him coming home with no eyebrow, piercings or a tattoo... Strippers or no strippers he will be coming home to me at the end of the night!

I think for me the issue I have with it is to do with how I feel about myself more than anything OH has done/would do. I have horribly low self esteem and image issues and for me the thought of him seeing another woman naked would really upset me, as I would feel he was comparing her to me (whether he did or not) and that she was prettier/thinner than me (even if she wasn't) so the problem is all with me and I know that. I wouldn't class it as cheating, as there is no emotional connection, but I do feel it disrespectful. OH knows how much it would upset me, and no matter how trivial it is in the great scheme of things I would like to think that he respects me enough as his future wife to not want to upset me. I wouldn't put my foot down and say he can't go, I would just hope he would respect my feelings, which he does.

Ditto! men react primarily on visual stimuli whereas women mainly go off their imagination. Just like a dog wagging his tail, its a life of its own. its just biology. Now if willing pursued action THATS cheating, but as for the 'happy stick' you can't ban a man from being biologically male.

My OH went to a stag do in Amsterdam. They went to a sex show but he waited outside, said the idea of a bunch of guys all getting hard on's together and looking uncomfortable was not his idea of fun. I told him I didn't mind him going in but he really didn't want to. Has your OH been to a lap dancing club before? It may be something he just wants to try once for the novelty aspect, I'm sure he'll find it's not all it's cracked up to be but he'll have got it out of his system and not feel the need to go again.

For a start I didn’t comment on this thread to have everything I wrote picked apart and commented on, I did it to give advice on her situation. When my OH spoke to the stripper he said it in a jokey tone and not a derogatory manner. He's not a d!ck and he's not nasty to women and very respectful towards them. When I said happy stick, I was using a family friendly term for b*ner but apparently that’s ludicrous. He wouldn’t react to a sex scene on TV because he's not a Neanderthal and it’s a completely different situation to having a real life person with her tatas two inches from your face. Get real. Yeah men are just human, like women but its commonly phrased that men are simple. Just pointing it out. If I thought I was going to get into a feminism debate in this then I wouldn’t have bothered commenting. As far as player Vs slag goes though that’s a whole different ball game which I totally do not agree with. but this isn’t about sleeping around this is one persons view on the fact that she doesn’t trust her OH to go into a strip club and behave himself and maybe just sit at the bar rather than getting involved in the dances. As for coming home with tattoos or eyebrow piercings, that’s a lot worse than a strip club.

Looks like we agree on something!

If the OP is really saying she doesn't trust the man she is marrying to go to a strip club and behave they I think they've got bigger issues than this to discuss before they commit to marriage!

I personally have absolutely no problem with strip clubs, i have visited them myself with my partner (one of our friends manages one!) not for the sexy side but for a drink and to meet friends. I have bought him 2 dances in the past , both times he has asked for the money back and said he wasnt interested. Even if he had gone for his dance i really wouldn't mind as at the end of the day, i trust him implicitly. if he rang me from a strip club and said he was getting a dance, i would find it quite amusing. I just think 'boys will be boys.'

And not even because he isnt ALLOWED to touch anyone but because i dont think he would. He would think it was funny, a bit embarrassing and then move on.

I also dont want to be dictated to about what i can and cant do, obviously within reason as we are in a committed relationship, so would never tell him he couldnt go somewhere unless i believed it was detrimental to his health and wellbeing. or something...

However, I will say that if you find it really distressing then talk to him, explain how it makes you feel so he understands. Don't let him go without him knowing it makes you upset. Hopefully he will understand and find something else to do!