OH's stag do

Lol I wasn't trying to start an argument, some of your comments shocked me a lot, that's all! I was just going off your own wording of the situation that he'd been thrown out for harassing them, but anyway at the end of the day, each to their own, peace be on Hitched!

This is exactly what I was trying to say but much more eloquently put!

It's not just about trusting him though, it's about how it would make her feel if he went to one.

Likely hood is it probably still comes back down to trust.... Why does she feel that way!!!

I'm not saying this is the issue I was just responding to something that was said by someone else not the OP

also when did the out feelings as women become more important that those of men?

^^ This. Why does the OP feel so insecure about HERSELF that her OH cant go to the strip club. Before anyone jumps down my throat no, I'm not back tracking. I still dont agree with them but why does she have to dictate why he cant go because of HER insecurities. We're all informed how we should love our bodies and I get that some of us dont feel great about the way we look but why not do something about it so that you do feel confident and happy about yourself rather than telling OH what he can and cant do.

As a man I actually feel quite insulted by this sentence.

No offence intended. Its just a statement

Perhaps this may not be what you want to hear, but it personally don't see anything wrong with it. As long as he keeps his hands to himself he isn't really doing anything wrong. That's just my opinion of course, me and oh comment on celebs we fancy and so on, I don't see it as any diff to that. He may be marrying you but his eyes still work, as long as he loves you enough to not touch, I'd be happy. Of course everyone is different, and if you really are unhappy about it, all you can do is tell him that, explain why and then let him decide what to do from there.

You shouldn't have edited your post, I agree with what you said before, it's a hugely stereotypical and sexist statement.

Debbibun, before I continue, I want to discuss something you said, not to pick on you specifically.

How the f*ck have we come to this? Honestly girls? Can NOBODY see that the latter is the very type of behaviour that feeds the former?

It is the latter behaviour that signals to society that women's body's can be bought. It is the latter behaviour that sees men place very specific values on the attractiveness of women. It is the latter behaviour that encourages competition among women to be the "most attractive". It is the latter behaviour that places physical attributes as the most important in winning the "most attractive" competition.

It's no wonder some women feel insecure.

So if I'm happy and confident in my body I shouldn't care if my OH wants to go out and leer over other women?

My understanding is that it is impossible for a woman to dislike strip clubs yet be strong and body confident. I have been told that all the blustering about society/feminism/etc is just hiding the fact that we are woefully insecure and pathologically suspicious.

I'm not a feminist... I don't like strip clubs and I'm not jumping for joy that my OH will be going to one for his stag!

the point I was trying to make is that I don't see the point in making a song and dance about it! I really don't care if women chose to dance for men it's their choice not mine and they'd made themselves available for men to pay for it!

i unlike some see the whole thing as part of the whole stag do 'excitement' and chose to not let it dictate or have and affect on my relationship!

if OP was saying her OH was going to strip clubs every weekend I'd be more inclined to understand and agree with where she is coming from but it's his stag.... I'm left thinking well what did you expect!!!!

I personally wouldn't be bothered if my H2B went to a strip club/lap dancing club for his stag do. However, he wouldn't like me going to one. Not that he thinks i would cheat, he just doesn't like the idea of a man dancing for/on me! Different opinions i suppose. Therefore we have agreed neither of us would go to a strip club for our hen & stag dos. I totally understand why you are angry though. Tbh i think your H2B should respect your wishes & not go if it's going to upset you x

Mooshy, ultimately for me all that matters is how you feel about this situation around the lap dancing club. You have every right to feel exactly how you do and nobody can tell you otherwise. As far as I'm aware you voiced to him how you felt which is the foundations of a healthy relationship and now he is equipped with the knowledge of the impact it will have on you, it is now his choice regarding what he decides to do. You then also have a choice of what to do if he goes.

I didn't read anything about you not trusting him or the fact you worry he would physically cheat / touch one of the girls, but that morally, you find it unacceptable and to you, having some girl dancing on his lap would be cheating. Everyone has boundaries and who is to say what is right or wrong, everyone has unique experiences and we are all individuals. x

The part of this that I took the most umbrage at (on your behalf OP) was that you expressed your feelings to your OH and his response was 'It's happening!'. I don't know how you two usually express yourselves but if I revealed an uneasiness about something like this and my OH just baldly stated 'It's happening' as a non-negotiable without any further discussion at least, then I certainly would not be able to leave it there.

The two of you may never agree when it comes to opinions about lap dancing clubs but as you are about to commit to a life together, surely he should be able to take some time to discuss your fears and feelings and perhaps reach a respectful compromise - at the moment it all sounds a bit 'put up or shut up' which I'm afraid I don't take too kindly to!

but in this situation there is no compromise for which either party will happy! OP Doesn't want him to go... So then what? What about how he feels in all of this to him it's not a big deal, he could chose not to go and keep her happy! But still feel like he's missed out on the stag he wanted and also have to put up with his mates relentless jibes at being 'whipped' and 'controlled' by the mrs!

Yes they need to talk about what exactly she feels uneasy about but I don't think the end result should be him deciding not to go because of these feelings!

This is a subject I feel very strongly about so I feel I should give my views.

Regarding the politics behind this- To simplify, what I often think we should ask ourselves is, is this an issue for men too? I.e. are males up and down the country discussing on popular Internet forums, as we are, the acceptability of their female other halves paying for sexual indulgence involving the objectification of males? So long as the answer is no, then clearly society is continuing to tolerate gender inequality. What I find worrying is the persistence of attitudes such as 'boys will be boys,' 'he's not doing anything wrong' etc. This is normalising, and in some cases encouraging, males to objectify females. In my view this is wrong.

Also FYI, it isn't really accurate to talk of strip clubs and lap dancing clubs interchangeably, or indeed to refer to lap dancing as 'dancing.' Private lap dancing in particular is a distinct activity, which involves rubbing and grinding against a man's crotch to arouse him. Essentially dry humping. Although, as others have said, many establishments will ask the male customer not to touch the employee with his hands, there is definite sexual contact whether money is being exchanged or not. I therefore do not see it as unreasonable for the OP to view this as being unfaithful.

Mooshy- you do not need a slap.

Hands up all those ladies who have ever seen a male stripper? Now hands up all of those who have but don't like their OH visiting strippers et al? A point to ponder perhaps?

I have never been to see a stripper, have never had the inclination to and as I see it it's all the same dressed (or undressed) in a different package.

I have told my oh that I don't mind if he goes see strippers / lap dance clubs etc ! I don't even care if he comes back with a stupid tattoo on his arse at the end of the day I'm marrying him because I trust him 100% and I don't see why him going to watch some naked girls dance around him would change that . ( although he has told me he wouldn't want this )

i went to my friends hen a few months ago and she had male strippers ( not my thing ) god they danced all over her and oiled their body's and rubbed her hands on them and although it's not my thing ... Is what she actually did wrong ? I don't think so - I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with it but it's not like they where finger banging her or she had her mouth around their £)(& ! I mean if that was going on in a club then maybe but I dunno ! My point is every relationship has it's own values and boundaries - if it is wrong in yours then that makes it wrong, in my opinion , to go and do it ! The amount of girls at my friends hen that hadn't told their partners where they where was crazy ! I was one out of two of the 15 girls to tell the truth ! Even the bride lied - now that's what is wrong in my view - the lying! He hasn't told you he isn't he's been up front and honest!

this is a bit rambly but I guess my point is if you trust him and your honest wit each other what is the issue x

Strip clubs and lap dancing clubs are pretty much the same thing. And in probably about 99% of the clubs men aren't allowed to touch the girls (I have a couple of friends who have worked in these kinds of clubs and this was their experience).

I personally don't mind my OH going to a place like that for his stag (on his stag he's actually going to be picked up from the airport in a hummer with a stripper inside) but it's what you're happy about I suppose.

I wouldn't say it was cheating but then again that is just personal opinion... What would be the issue for me is his attitude. If you've told him in a reasonable way and not just screaming at him that you don't want him to go and explained that you feel really unhappy about the situation but he's being a bit of a douchebag about it then that's the issue in my eyes. He needs to take on board your feelings especially as you feel so strongly about it.

Oh and I also want to say that what male strippers do and get away with is far worse than what girl strippers do (I also know a male stripper & am horrified by his stories).

I have to say that I love the term"happy stick" and shall be using it going forwards.

As for a strip club- MrMini can fill his boots (quite literally if he wants) hes not going home with her.Im just gutted my boobs are so crap I cant make money from parading them round a pole.

There are some really interesting replies to my OP, thank you everyone.

I find it rather amusing that people assume that because I don't want my OH to have a lap dance I must be very insecure and have trust issues. I am sorry to inform you that your assumptions are completely wrong. I am a confident person and I don't have body image issues, abandonment issues, or a controlling nature. I have no desire to tell my OH what he can and cannot do, I do however believe he should be aware of my beliefs and concerns and consider them when making choices.

I trust my OH and strongly believe he would not cheat on me in the sense he would not get off with someone else. The issue I have is that I personally believe that having a lap dance ie inviting someone to perform what is essentially a sexual act on you is deeply disrespectful to your partner and yes I consider it cheating. My OH wasn't aware I would feel like this. The thing that most bothered me was his comment "It's happening" without me being able to explain my feelings, this isn't how we normally communicate.

We have talked about it now when I got home from work tonight. He apologised for his comment, he was tired and didn't want to get into a debate so brushed me off. He didn't realise I felt so strongly about the lapdancing and initially didn't understand why. I asked him how he would feel if I said I'm going out this weekend and letting some half naked bloke rub his knob all over me, he was a bit shocked and said he'd wonder why I would enjoy it. I said I wouldn't, would you enjoy me doing it? He said no, then looked like he understood a little. I told him that when I picture some girl giving him a lapdance I want to punch her in the face, he said he's glad I feel that protective of him, ha. He doesn't even want to go to the lapdancing club, he thinks it's sleazy and tacky. He said he's having a hard time organising his stag do, he doesn't want one, he wanted to go paintballing or something but felt like he should organise a 'traditional' stag do that he would be in control of to stop his mates getting carried away and arranging something too outrageous. He said he wouldn't go to a lapdancing club if I feel so strongly about it as he doesn't want to upset me. I said I'm not going to tell him what to do or not to do but if he doesn't want to do that anyway why not just tell his mates he wants to go paintballing?? Just because something is 'traditional' it doesn't mean you have to do it!

Glad to hear it's all sorted, and was just a misunderstanding. Paintballing sounds a more sensible option seeing as it is something her actual wants to do, instead of what he thought he should do.

Hi mooshy and co. Now my h2b has been on 5 stag dos 3 of which they went to strip /lap dancing clubs. He's also been on a few lads hols and been to a few. Now when I first found out probably about 5 years a go I was upset and hurt. Now time went by and to be honest I'm not really sure what changed but I just became ok with it. I guess when I first found out I'd always hoped that he'd be one that wasn't bothered and his friends wouldn't either so it was the initial shock and realisation.

Personally I suppose over time I just came to terms with it as I realised as his friends were getting married off and having kids a stag do is the only excuse they have to "justify" such behaviour. Now I would rather he didn't go but it's relatively harmless. Most of them are too drunk to remember anything let alone get excited and some don't even make it there due to "peaking" too soon.

I don't think you're being unreasonable as I felt the same when I first found out. And I'm not saying you should or shouldn't come to terms with it eventually because it depends how it makes you feel. If the thought of it still upsets you considering what everyone here says (in that it is a wider spread problem than most of us females would want to know!) then you need to speak to your OH again. But I'd say ignore the "it's happening" comment really as it's probably being fed by his friends. And at least he's told you rather keeping it a secret and you finding out.

Hope that helps put some perspective on it and you know you're not alone!

Xxx

We'll I spent so long writing my response (whilst watching breaking bad) you'd already responded saying it's sorted! Glad all is well. Hopefully all the comments will help others in the situation too xxx

Have so enjoyed reading this thread - all its highs and lows, accusations, sexism, feminism, assumptions and happy sticks .. Most of all I'm glad that OP-er came back to put everyone who had made judgements about her in their place .. And I'm glad it's on its way to getting sorted, Mooshy!

As an aside - I'm marrying a girl, I asked her what she thought about it and she said "If my boobs were better it's how I would have paid my way through my education" (she's a Dr)

As another aside - I know one or two lesbians who are lap dancers .. Apparently there are quite a few of them!? I don't really know what my point is, I just think it's interesting ...

Did someone on this thread say "I'm not a feminist"?! So, you DON'T believe in equal rights for women?! Christ. I find that much, much more offensive than a strip club.

OP glad your situation is sorted. In my view it's all about what the other half feels comfortable with - works both ways!

Mooshy, Im really glad you got it sorted out. I have to say I don't like these clubs and I love my body face hair etc lol why I don't like them has nothing to do with confidence or trust for that matter lol, me and my bf trust each other a 100% and have done for 15 years, We are open about everything. We both hate the thought of another person dancing like that for each other. I have my own pole for that lol. What I don't get is when all guys with wife/gf go and come back and say oh it was boring or I went outside, Why go lol they must know what there going to be doing. Two crazy things I remember were my bil arranged his own stag as best man would of had the full works lined up for them at a club lol and bil is not like that at all, I remember the best man moaning behind his back he said... So his doing his own stag as the mrs don't want him going to a strip club how pathetic etc... fast forward a few years and he has a gf and his lucky to get out of the house once a month lol. omg if he said he was going to a strip club she would go mad lol its just funny how things change. I know a guy(50+) who went on a stag night the men were 35+ and the stag fell for a stripper and went home and called his wedding off with 2 weeks to go.. again 2 years later and now my mate has been invited to his stag again lol as his marrying the stripper girl (who is not a stripper anymore)lol and my mate said his mates mrs 2 b is like ur not going to a club lol.

Lol mine is having a whole weekend in Amsterdam and I'm more worried about the smoking than the girls! Trust me when I say those women are NOT interested in your guy, there is ONE thing they are concerned about and that's the cash.

however I do feel it's very heartless of him to completely dismiss your concerns like that. Maybe try talking and explaining your concerns to him without sounding accusation all or like you're expecting him to cheat. See if you can come to a compromise. Contrary to what he says, it's not what happens on every stag do at all!

My partner went to Prague last year for my best friends stag do, I knew before they left that their apartment was above a strip club and they had hired a limo which came with a stripper inside. I was totally fine with it....

until they got home and I heard all the stories. I can't say what strippers in Britain are like but in Prague...there are no bouncers stopping the men from touching, in fact it's encouraged. Lap dancers actually place the guys hands on their boobs etc..and grind their naked private parts in mens faces. My partner told me all about it..because I asked. But I wish I hadn't because it left me feeling quite upset and he has said it's the biggest mistake he has made because he did not want to hurt me.

i think if it really upsets you, you need to tell him. And he should respect that. But you also don't want him to say he won't do it then go behind your back and do it anyway.

Well said! x