On the receving end of an invite with a money poem...

I couldn't tell if I was peed off because....

1. They hadn't invited me to the day but still expected a 'gift'

2. They had written a revolting, and essentially pushy, little poem

3. They had deigned to guide my own choice of 'gift'

4. They had asked for a gift AT ALL

It is food for thought for my own invitations. I am not sure I will include anything in ours, now.

... yet look at any wedding etiquette book, and straight after "you should not include a gift list with invites" it will invariably say "yet guests will expect to buy you a gift and will appreciate guidance as to what you would like".

I personally wouldn't be offended by a gift list or money poem, regardless of what part of the day I had or hadn't been invited to, and put in some money or vouchers as guided. I'd much rather know that my gift was wanted and consequently appreciated by the couple rather than some random gift that stays in its box in the shed or loft, or ends up on Ebay a few weeks after the honeymoon.

We made it quite clear in our invites that we don't expect gifts but if people want to get us something, argos vouchers or cash towards setting up our home would be appreciated - after all, it's much more likely than 10 people will give us £20 each than one person giving us £200 for a washing machine, for example.

Maybe we're in the minority in not having lived together for years and having everything we need before getting married - but that's how we are doing it, so our guests have been advised appropriately. If people choose not to give us anything then that's up to them.

I'm not sure why anyone should be offended for "only" being invited to an evening reception - surely they're still your friends anyway and you'd want to get them a gift to celebrate?

When do people start sending gifts (particularly if they aren't able to come) or do guests just give you stuff on the day? Wondering if it's normal we haven't received anything yet.

I would never send a gift if I was attending the day, I would always take it with me.

If I couldn't attend a wedding, then unless it was a close friend or family member I would probably just send flowers and a card the week after/before depending on honeymoon arrangements. If it was someone closer then I would take a gift/cash/vouchers and a card round a few days before I think.

I never thought about people who put gift lists/money requests in evening invitations before i found this website.

But now I think back to the two last times I was invited by work colleagues to their evening do's and both had asked for money.

Now i am thinking to myself - cheeky sods!

In addition:

I may be completly on my own with this, but I prefer it when people don't have a gift list, and dont make any mention of it.

Then you can get something really personal for them, (or not if you don't want) and it's completly up to you and a suprise. Which is exactly what gifts should be.

I don't have a problem with gift lists per se, it's the money poem I'd object to. After all, don't you make a list for birthdays and Xmas? Or ask for vouchers?

In terms of evening guests I would happily put a £20 note in a card as an evening guest, but I might be a bit more generous if invited to the whole day.

Hitched is not necessarily representative of the average bride and groom though - so just because a few people round here are quite vocal about how wrong it is doesn't actually mean it wrong in the grand scheme of things.

TBH I don't think its ok to ask for a gift from those invited to the evening do but I also don't think its acceptable to attend a wedding as a guest and not take a gift. Its just how I was brought up, maybe old fashioned but I wouldn't go to dinner at someones house and not take wine/choccys/flowers/something.

Last year OH and I went to a wedding in Cornwall with some friends, it cost a lot to go and to stay but still we gave cash (what they wanted) in our card. I was horrified that the friends we went with didn't give anything! They weren't even going to give a card till they saw I had and we were all all-day guests!

Last week I got a wedding invitation with the 'its your presence not your presents' line, followed by the number of the couples giftlist. I never really got what the fuss was about when people on here complained about them, but I realised when I got this invite that it can sound a bit odd. I happened to be there when my mum opened her invitation from the same couple (family wedding) her reaction was 'oh isn't that sweet they don't want gifts just our presence is enough...oh but they've got a gift list.'

I'm not being nasty about people who have giftlists (we even have one) or those who are apologetic about it, but until I saw it through the eyes of a guests I never realised how contradictory it can sound.

We would prefer your presence and not your presents

but if you have some folding money

wouldn't it be funny

if you wrote us a cheque for a few grand

and we can book our holiday in the sand

Bish bosh, give us some dosh.

</jamieoliver>

Trickers, I'm in that club. Do you just want extra badges on your signature though?

Etiquette is a wonderful thing!

Wait to be asked what you want folks, it much nicer for all concerned! As a bride to be, I wasn't offended or bored in the slightest to be asked if there was anything in particular we wanted. If nothing else it's an additional excuse to talk to your guests before the day. Embrace the manners and the joy of any gifts you receive.

That's my opinion about it all!

I really like that idea Starstruck, I hope people are as thoughtful when it comes to gifts for us!

I always thought I would put the same ift list info in day and evening invties, but after seeing people's opinions here maybe not. I want people to come and celebrate with us without feeling pressured to get anything. However if they ask us or my mum, or check our wedding website, then they can get an idea of what we would like without us actually telling them.

By the nature of getting married, whether you are inviting someone or not, there is every chance that people will either feel they have to get you something, or want to get you something. So the pressure is there, whether it feels like it or not...

I'm not disagreeing with you for the sake of it, aj, but I only feel under pressure to measure up to the expectations if I'm presented with a list or a request for cash. I like to ask my friends if there's something they'd particularly like or whether I know if there's something I can contribute to. Simply buying them a £20 Argos voucher simply wouldn't cut it for me - I'd much rather buy them something they'll treasure and is a physical token of my affection for them. By speaking with my friends, I can get a far better handle on it and even that discussion creates a nice memory.

I was just discussing this with a family member who asked what we wanted as we hadn't sent a list. I said a gift voucher for JL if they really wanted to but it really wasn't neccessary we just wanted them there. It is difficult as if I were a guest it would be easier to have a guest list but I just can't stomach sending one myself ! As for an evening invite no way ! I wouldn't appreciate that either ! And putting a flowery poem around it doesn't make me feel any less offended !

That's a fair comment, and if anyone says "is there anything specific you'd like" then we do have a small list of things that, based on their circumstances, we can give them some suitable options. We've had one or two little enquiries from people already. One person, who is an artist, has said he will take one of our wedding photos and turn it into a painting/drawing for us - that's a very special and unique gift that we will of course treasure.

For people to just ask for money gifts then spend it on the next gas bill or something, that's a bit of a cheek really I guess, but if there is a specific need (like in our case, to furnish or go towards a house deposit) or even if it's for the honeymoon fund, I don't see it as being a problem.

I think I'm going to start a one-woman protest against gift lists. In future, if I get a gift list I shall spend £30 on the items you have asked me to buy. If you make no mention of gifts I shall spent my usual amount which will be more.

It's more of a silent protest but it'll make me happy!

You're in!

I agree AJ that there is always a level of expectation from guests, I feel it with any event invite, not just weddings, but also as CB says I feel it exerts much more pressure by essentially sending a list of demands with invites, rather than just leaving it alone and waiting for people to choose themselves, or just not bother if money is tight. I would rather people use their cash to get to our venue and get themselves some drinks and have a dance with us! When I receieved a money poem for a recent wedding it didn't bother me, and a lot of the guests commented on it, saying how lovely and unusual it was (?!)

I have to agree that I'd rather know where the money is going - my cousin asked for cash towards a wedding album, my 'gift list' is a new kitchen, my friends asked for B&Q vouchers so they could redecorate their house. I'd rather buy vouchers than give cash.

If we left it up to our guests we'd end up with bundles of towels and vases - coz thats what they've always bought other people who don't have lists.

I don't mind having the money poem requests as such but recently I got invited to the whole day wedding without my H2B, which was fine as he has never met the bride and groom, but my daughter (still no H2B) and two nephews aged 11, 5 and 3 got evening invites with the money poem in too! They are children and I was a little bit suprised to say the least, their names went on my card and cash gift and that was that lol.

Never! Any time anyone asks me what I want the answer is always the same...a surprise! If I really want something I'll buy it, it's the anticipation of not knowing what's under the wrapping paper that I love!

It's always such a minefield.

Personally, i despise money poems - i find them really cringey and cheesy. I have no objection to giving cash, although thinking about it, i'm not sure i ever have done?! My brother asked for vouchers to do his kitchen up, and for our close friends last year, i asked the groom where they were going on honeymoon and we got them euros instead, so they could have a nice meal out or something without having to worry about money.

RE invites and evening invitations, its an interesting thought - i would always give a gift, but maybe not to the same value? It's definitely something i'm thinking about, as we are getting married in Vegas, then having a party back here so technically everyone is an evening guest-only. Ideally, we would like to be able to ask for vouchers so we can get new carpets but i feel guilty when we're not inviting them to the wedding...hmmm....oh well, i have plenty of time to think about it

Slightly diffrent. but we live in ireland and had wedding in wales.. so i had a gift list in debnhams in ireland so that if people did want to buy a gift they could and we wouldnt have a problem transporting it to ireland (due to size and weight)

that said irish generally give lots of money, ( i mean alot-we would also give alot at weddings)

i was suprised that some people didnt give a present at all.. when these couples got married (all after us) i told hubby we wouldnt give them money but a present.. (but we still spend around 70euros on one) i personally wouldnt go to someones birthday part let alone wedding without giving a present.even if they hadnt done the same

We put a money poem in our day invites but didn't put anything in our evening invites. The only reason we asked for money at all is that we were saving for a new sofa but spent our savings on new appliances for the kitchen when I very suddenly moved from my 1 bed flat to a house and we are now stuck with the very cheap and very old (almost broken) sofas that I have been trying to replace for 2 years! Some people have asked if they can buy us something instead and we have given them some suggestions of some small bits and pieces we need for the house and I have no problem with this. We just didn't want to end up with our guests spending money on bits and pieces we don't need when we could have spent the money on something we had already tried so hard to save for.....

Hurrah for May2be. We're not the only ones doing it

I've just finished sealing all of my invites. We may be an unusual case because we are inviting all of family and friends to our ceremony, then inviting friends back for celebratory drinks later on the night after the wedding breakfast. Therefore all invites have themoney poem in.

Friends, family and colleagues have been asking what we would like as a gift, so they've been informed to wait for the invites. I can't see anyone getting offended by them, and last week my Uncle actually gave us some money without asking what we would like.

I love everyones views on here! I never consider it cheeky to receive a gift list or money poem (cringey yes) in a wedding invitation for day or evening. I would always buy a gift for the couple no matter what part of the celebration we are invited to and I think it's handy when they tell me what they would like. We suggested contributions towards our honeymoon as we wouldn't have really been able to accept gifts easily- 2 weeks after our wedding we relocated abroad and everything had already been shipped out so it would be sitting at my parents house gathering dust for years and that's wasteful. Evening guests always asked us what we wanted as we didn't include anything in their invitations and both H and I found that a really awkward conversation to have. We'd usually say, 'nothing just your presence', which was very true but not the answer any of them wanted, so it was then up to my parents to tell family and friends attending the evening about the honeymoon contributions.

You see in my family we always do lists for Christmas/ Birthdays. I didn't realise that was wierd until I started porting on here.

I got an invite to my friends enagement party and got a money poem with it!!!! I was really annoyed about it (I still gave them money) but for this reason I won't be putting anything about gifts in with our invites. Also, when we got engaged they didn't give us anything!!! I know it's not about giving to get something back but I just found this very rude!

That's what we've done. We simply can't afford the extra £3000 it would cost to have everyone to the wedding breakfast, so everyone was invited to the ceremony and evening reception, and closest friends and family to the wedding breakfast. We've cut down the wedding breakfast and extended the evening celebrations, which start at 5.30pm for 6.00pm, by having the speeches, cake cutting etc in the evening bit instead. Everyone seems happy with this, particularly as many are travelling some distance to be with us so will appreciate the leg stretch, plus being in the New Forest many are bringing a picnic to enjoy the natural beauty of the area.

It's nothing to do with "more important" or "less important", it's purely a practical issue as we're getting no financial help from our families, and the barbecue for 120 people would take far too long to get through meaning the more important parts of the day would have had to be cut back.

We didn't have a "money poem" though, just a simple suggestion of we would prefer cash or vouchers if people want to give us a gift. Simply, that's what we need. It'll be kept in a separate account so it won't end up paying the gas bill or car repairs, and of course as we buy things we want, having kept a record of what people have given us, we'll let them know over time what we bought with it.

Most of the things we need we won't get until after we find a better place to live than my poxy little flat, which of course may take some time - so we may use the money for a deposit instead which again is, I feel, a perfectly acceptable alternative as it's a tangiable essential rather than paying a bill.