One about rsvp and rude invite

This is super rude.

What's your RSPV deadline? I'd be tempted to leave it and then say to her "We've had to assume you're unable to make it as the deadline has passed and we've had to lockdown numbers with our venue, shame we won't be seeing you but hope you're well!"

Thank you for replying
Our deadline was the 8th of October
So I messaged her on WhatsApp this weekend and was so nice and asked her to rsvp as we need the final numbers And …..nothing, zero acknowledgment. I even said we have to finalise numbers asap. But politely
So I’m going to use uk or wording. Thank you!!

Hi!
First thing it's your wedding, so you shouldn't have to worry about making sure other people are happy.
If this person makes you feel uncomfortable then why do you even want them there? Again, this is your wedding day. I would probably send one last message saying that your doing the final numbers and they must RSVP you by a set date otherwise you will assume that they aren't coming and you will not change anything later on. Although personally they won't have been invited for the simple reason that they make you feel uncomfortable. If others don't like it that's their problem not yours. Always, always remember that it's your wedding day.

I agree, I would definitely play the naive card and just say "As I didn't hear from you by the deadline regarding your attendance at our wedding, and when I reached out to you on the weekend you also didn't say anything, I assume you're unable to make it. Hope all is well with you". I can definitely sympathise with effort always being one sided in supposed friendship groups. Hope you're not feeling too bad about it all and enjoying the wedding planning!

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Firstly thank you ladies for taking the time to reply

So i sent a message saying we need final numbers on Monday and was ignored...after a few messages she ignored me once again. I decide to reach out last night and say 'hi as we haven't heard anything we have put you and XXx down as declining our wedding invite. I hope you are well'

I thought that would be the end of it but no.....I am shocked and now feel like i'm being guilt tripped.

She replied ....Sorry I haven't responded my phone was at work. XXXX her husband won't be joining me but I am planning on coming. I just haven't had my phone on me and I need to get it agreed with work. I have already booked my flights so coming to the wedding

So she didn't have her phone for 6 months????? And she booked the flights (which I wasn't aware of ) and booked them even though work haven't signed it off???

I am gobsmacked . I feel like this is so manipulative as if I should mind read an know all of this. But its excuse after excuse.

What or how do I now approach it?

This is really the only thing that is worrying me and stressing me out. x

She also used a 5 hour time difference as an excuse ...I sent the invite to her in July.

That's totally unfair of her, the least she could do is apologise and ask to be reconsidered not assume that all is okay and swiftly move on! I think it totally depends if you want to give her one more chance, if you do then I would reply something along the lines of; that you can reconsider but you're going above/beyond to confirm numbers with the venue and confirm your menu etc and it's a really stressful time for you without the hassle of chasing guests. You understand people may forget which is why you've sent several follow ups to her, but at the very least moving forward you would appreciate better communication / honesty.

If on the other hand there is too much water under the bridge (which is totally fair!), I would tell a white lie. Say you had sent follow ups and still didn't receive confirmation of their attendance, you have now confirmed final numbers for seating plan and menu and unfortunately can't add anyone on. Maybe say it's a shame it came down to this but that you can't keep track of people who haven't responded and over pay for people who didn't confirm? Even if their phone was at work, you sent out invites in July so believe there was ample opportunity before this week to respond to you. Maybe end it with you hope she understands the situation she put you in, and that it's been playing on your mind and not a decision you took lightly?

Hope you're okay!!

Thank you Leah! Your response is so reasonable and I completely agree with your approach - thank you for the advice.

I am in two-minds still and normally I am very decisive which goes to show how much she has got under my skin.

It's the blatant not giving a crap which is really pissing me off. I will need a day or so to decide on what to do.

The other issues (now) is that her husband isn't coming so she knows no one apart from my bridesmaid who i know will bend over backwards to do everything for her on the day and feel guilty if she is not there to keep her company - which will annoy me.

I also feel she is only coming to the wedding to she my bridesmaid, her friend.

Ugh i am so conflicted.

Do I say please confirm by this friday and call her bluff?

She’s now phoning me….I’m busy at work
She’s ok to ignore me for months or weeks but because I didn’t respond asap to her she’s now calling me

I feel so pressured

I know you invited her because your bridesmaid/ friend wanted you to… BUT, this is your day. A memorable day that is all about you and your partner and you shouldn’t have anyone there that makes you feel shit or silly.


Tell her that because you haven’t heard from her in all this time, you’ve already finalised the bookings and provided numbers which you can’t change as it’s all paid for. It’s a shame she ‘left her phone at work’ otherwise she may have been able to be included in the numbers. Weddings are stressful to organise, you don’t need this shit.

You say this person always makes you feel bad about yourself, so why on earth were you inviting her in the first place?!

If she was a good friend who had just ignored the invite, then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and welcome her late acceptance - even our closest friends can have things going on in their lives that they don't feel able to share, and out-of-character behaviour can be due to health/relationship/work problems that they don't feel able to tell anyone about. But since she's not been a 'friend' in any meaningful sense of the word in the first place ('friends' do not make you feel bad about yourself!) I would withdraw the invitation.